Monthly Archives: October 2001

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Rich London for sending in today’s report. From Charlotte, North Carolina comes the story of bozo Greg Worthy who broke into a 65 year old woman’s home and demanded money. The woman convinced our bozo that she had no money in the house but she would write him a check if he would show her proper identification, which he gladly did. After giving him the check and showing him the door, the lady called the cops. They went to the address he had given her and there they found our bozo, check in hand. He’s now residing in jail.

bozo criminal for today comes from LaCrosse, Wisconsin where bozo Robert McGuffey thought he’d play a little joke on some of his friends by running around naked in their front yard. His plan went terribly wrong when he started drinking before pulling his little stunt. After a couple of beers he got a little confused about exactly which house belonged to his friends. Finally, after a couple more beers, he selected what he thought was the right house. Leaving his clothes in the alley, he ran around the house a couple of times and then stood naked in the front yard, waiting for his friends’ response. Unfortunately the only response he got was from the police who came by to arrest him. He’d picked the wrong house. His friends lived a couple of streets over.

bozo criminal for today comes from Sparks, Nevada where bozo Donald Eiland robbed two women pedestrians and then made his getaway by stealing a beer truck. Not believing his luck, our bozo stopped a few blocks away to see if the truck was full. It was. One thing led to another and before you know it he was hopelessly sloshed. So sloshed that when the police brought his two victims by to identify him, before they could say anything our bozo spoke up and said, yes, they were the people he robbed. He’s been arrested.

bozo criminal for today comes from O’Fallon, Missouri where bozo David Barnes took a cab to the local Walgreen’s, asked the cabbie to wait on him and went inside. Our bozo then went to the Halloween section where he put on a scary mask before walking up to the cashier and demanding money, gesturing as though he had a gun in his pocket. The clerk was so nervous that she couldn’t open the register and finally our frustrated bozo left empty handed. He got back into the waiting cab which took him home. The cops contacted the cab company, got our bozo’s address and made the arrest.

bozo criminals for today come from Stanley, Wisconsin where they violated bozo Rule Number 7007: While it’s not usually a good idea to return to the scene of the crime, it’s an even bigger mistake to never leave. Bozos Jason Street and Chad Gilmer broke into a business and stole about 40 bucks in cash, a flashlight and some soft drinks and then left. They just didn’t go far enough. They walked across the street to their car, got inside, counted their money, drank their sodas and promptly fell asleep. Police answering the burglary call rousted them from their little nap and took them to jail.

bozo criminal for today comes from Columbia, Missouri where bozo Stephen Tarver was spotted by local police officers acting suspiciously near the back of the local Wal-Mart. When he saw the cops, our bozo took off in the direction of a wooded area nearby. As it turns out, the wooded area was the Columbia Country Club golf course. Our bozo burst out of the woods and ran up to a cart full of golfers, asking them if he could borrow their vehicle. Bad idea. The golfers were also off duty cops attending the Officer’s Benevolent Fund golf tournament. They were more than happy to detain him until the other police arrived.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Paul Randall for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Rivoli, Italy comes the story of bozo Eduardo Laque who jumped into a car and forced the driver to hand over his cash. He then ordered the victim at gunpoint to drive him to his hometown. And since it was going ot be a rather long trip, our bozo settled back into his seat and made himself comfortable. Soon he was fast asleep. Taking note of the situation, the victim instead drove him to the nearest police station, where the cops woke him up and arrested him.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Richard Graves for sending in today’s report. From Kansas City, Missouri comes the story of another bozo trying to drum up a little business for himself. bozo Jerry Sims was a locksmith who would place a sticker for his business on the doors of various businesses around town. Then, a few days later, late at night, our bozo would return and squirt a little glue in the lock, hoping, of course, that the business would call him to come fix the lock. Things were going fine until he was caught on a security camera at one of the businesses. The owner was viewing the tape and couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw the man on the tape was the same guy now repairing his lock. He’s been arrested.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Robert Krambs for sending in today’s report. From Viroqua, Wisconsin comes the story of bozo Billy Franklin. Billy had his bank holdup all planned out. He walked into the bank with a knit cap pulled down to obscure his face from security cameras. He made sure the teller’s window had no alarm and no exploding dye booby trap. The holdup note had no fingerprints or other identification. The bills he received were small and not in sequence. He had planned the perfect robbery. Except for one thing. He had no getaway vehicle. He simply walked away from the robbery, carrying his money in two large bags with the bank’s name clearly printed on the side. A cop spotted him walking down the road and arrested him.

bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Wellington, New Zealand where bozo James Davis was in a hurry. And you know how frustrating it is when the car in front of you is just creeping along. That’s what was happening to our bozo so he decided to express his irritation by honking at the car. That in itself isn’t such a bad idea. It’s the fact that the slow traveling car was a police cruiser that got him into trouble. Things got even worse when the cops pulled him over to see what the rush was and discovered our bozo was intoxicated. He’s been arrested.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Cleveland National Forest in Southern California comes the story of bozo James Karl who was a seasonal firefighter during the summer. Being part time help, he only got paid when he actually had a fire to put out. Thinking he might drum up a little extra business for himself, our bozo started a couple of fires in the forest which his unit was called upon to put out. That in itself qualifies him as a bozo, but he went one step further. On the days that he set a fire, our bozo would start the fire engine to get it warmed up before the rest of the crew were even called in, making his fellow firemen just a little suspicious. He faces up to ten years in jail.

bozo criminal for today comes from Durham, North Carolina where a bar of Lava soap might have helped our bozo. Mark Hallan held up a couple of banks, getting away with a significant amount of cash. He then decided to lay low for awhile by spending a couple of nights in a hotel. And that was his undoing because when he checked in the hotel clerk noticed his red hands. They were stained from the exploding dye packets in the cash he stole. She pretended not to notice and only called the cops after he was in his room. They came over and arrested our red-handed bozo.

bozo criminal for today comes from Omaha, Nebraska where bozo Edward Mayes pulled up to the drive in window at the bank and presented a stolen check to the teller. And that’s when his run of bad luck began. The bank teller happened to be the very person from whom the check had been stolen. While our bozo waited for his money, bank employees called the cops who were waiting for him in the bank parking lot. But he never quite made it to where they were waiting. As soon as our bozo got his money, he pulled into the nearest parking place and rushed into the bank to use the bathroom. And that’s where the cops arrested him, in the bank restroom.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Jane McCormick for sending in today’s report. From Carlisle, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Randy Shaffer who called the cops to report a stolen radio. He was told all of the officers were busy but that one of them would call him back shortly. When an officer tried to return the call, someone at our bozo’s house picked up the receiver but didn’t say anything. With the phone off the hook, the officer could hear a discussion going on in the background. A discussion about what fine marijuana it was that they were enjoying. When our bozo finally did pick up the phone he was more than happy to tell the officer again that he did indeed have some fine weed. He was also happy to give the officer his home address. The officer was more than happy to drive over and bust him.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Preston McMurry for sending in today’s report. From Green Bay, Wisconsin comes the story of bozo Frank Jones whose mother obviously taught him to never talk with his mouth full. Ordinarily that would be good advise, except when you’ve stuffed your mouth full of marijuana after being pulled over by the cops. In an effort to hide his stash, our bozo crammed all his dope into his mouth as the officers were walking to the car. In a scene right out of a Cheech and Chong movie, the officer first noticed marijuana smoke billowing out of the car, then he saw our bozo’s bulging cheeks and bits of marijuana scattered all over his shirt and in his lap. Our bozo was busted without ever saying a word.

bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Vienna, Austria where bozo Hans Becker decided to rob a branch of the Austrian Savings Bank. He made two fatal errors. One, he didn’t wear a disguise of any kind and, two, he chose the bank where he was a customer and was known by many of the employees. After he left with his cash, the teller called the cops and told them who had just robbed the bank. And to make it even easier for the cops, they didn’t have very far to go to find him. He headed straight to a bar down the street where he proceeded to celebrate his new found wealth with several bar hostesses, guzzling down five bottles of champagne. Not surprisingly, the police said he offered no resistance when they arrested him.

bozo criminal for today comes from Orange, Texas where bozo David Warren broke into a car dealership. And you know how it is when you start looking at cars…you can get really tired out. And that must have been what happened to our bozo. After going through several drawers and tossing the contents of a couple of filing cabinets on the floor, he decided to take a little break and relax for a couple of minutes on the big comfy sofa in the dealership’s lounge. He was still sleeping soundly when the employees arrived the next morning. And he kept right on sleeping after the cops were called. In fact, they took pictures and gathered evidence before waking up and arresting our bozo.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Neal Tooni for sending in today’s report. From Manchester, New Hampshire comes the story of bozo Joshua Adams who had plans to rob the Osco Drug store. And it looks like he wanted to make sure that they had plenty of Oxycontin, his drug of choice, in stock, because he called ahead and told the pharmacist he was on his way over to rob the place. Instead the pharmacist called the cops who were waiting for our bozo in the parking lot.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Robert Dzen for being the first to alert us to this gem. From Middletown, Connecticut comes the story of bozo Michael Massey who violated bozo Rule Number 3235: When planning a stick-up, it’s usually a good idea to make sure the place you’re going to rob is still open for business. Our bozo put on a mask and headed over to the Middletown bank at 3:08, a few minutes past closing time. Employees still inside watched as he tried both front doors and, finding them locked tight, headed back to his truck in frustration. After pulling out of the parking lot he tossed his mask and holdup note out the window. Right in front of a passing police car. They pulled him over and arrested him.

bozo criminal for today comes from Princeton, North Carolina where bozo Rodney Pierce lugged a heavy load into the local bank. He brought in 75 pounds of quarters, hoisted them up on the counter and asked if they could be changed into bills. Ordinarily this wouldn’t have been a problem but only a few days before in Princeton there had been a report of a theft of 48 thousand quarters from a home. Suspicious bank employees called the cops and our bozo was busted.