Monthly Archives: September 2001

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Scott Pinkstaff for sending in today’s report. From Purcellville, Virginia comes the story of bozo Richard Ware who parked his getaway car just outside the First Community Bank. He jumped out, gun in hand, and demanded money from the teller. He got it, ran outside, hopped in his car and was preparing to make his getaway when he noticed he was missing one very important item-his keys. He hadn’t realized he had dropped them as he was running out of the bank. Police officers quickly arrived and noticed a moving bush near his empty car. Our bozo was flushed out and arrested.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Terry Romanishen for sending in today’s report. From Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada comes the story of bozo Robert Martin who made a number of errors in his quest to rob a gas station. First, he ran out of gas before he ever got there, leaving himself stranded on the side of the road in a stolen car. Driving a stolen car to the robbery was his second error. But his third and fatal error was standing by the stolen car and waving to a police car that passed by. The cops ran a quick license check, discovered the car was stolen and arrested our bozo.

From Baltimore, Maryland comes the story of bozo Edwin Grimes who wanted to be a policeman really, really bad. So bad in fact that he just couldn’t tell a lie when the police department interviewer asked him if he had ever committed a crime. Our bozo said yes, back home in Texas he had robbed five people and been involved in a carjacking. Maybe he thought they’d be impressed with his experience. They weren’t. He’s been arrested.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Neal Tooni for sending in today’s report. From Saucier, Mississippi comes the story of bozo Milton Slater who was involved in a minor traffic accident. When he saw the police arrive on the scene he left his car behind and fled into the woods. Thinking this was rather strange the cops ran a quick check of his license plate and discovered he was wanted on burglary charges. A couple of officers headed after him, but it was a heavily wooded area and after almost an hour of searching they were about to give up when they heard a phone ring. Our bozo had forgotten to turn off his cell phone. He was pulled out of the underbrush and arrested.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Franco Minatel for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Coutts, Alberta, Canada comes the story of bozo James Horton who was an American bank robber trying to flee to Canada. Perhaps it was the bad woman’s wig that attracted the attention of the border crossing guard. Or maybe it was the gun that he was carrying with him. Or perhaps it was the bank holdup note written on the back of a check. In any event, after a quick check of customs computers it was determined that our bozo was a wanted man and he was arrested. And just one more thing about that holdup note…the last words written on it were "Don’t be stupid." If only he had followed his own advise.

bozo criminal for today comes from Millerstown, Pennsylvania. bozo Dorothy Lucas came up with a neat little scheme. She would print some counterfeit money and deposit into her ATM account. She would then transfer some of the money into her husband’s checking account and, hopefully, no one would be any the wiser. Sounds like a good plan except for one thing. That bill was just a little too large. About $999,900 too large. She tried to deposit a million dollar bill. There is not now and never has been a million dollar bill. She’s under arrest.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report. From Buffalo, New York comes the story of bozo Henry Johnson who really should have walked to his destination. But instead he decided to take Buffalo Rapid Transit, which would have been fine except that he demanded a free ride. The driver disagreed and called the transit police who arrived and charged our bozo with theft of service. And to make matters worse, he gave the cops a fake name so he was also charged with false impersonation. And they weren’t done yet. Once cops found out who he really was, they discovered he was wanted on arson and criminal mischief charges. And did I mention that in checking his possessions they also found a stolen supermarket card, gas card and library card. One more thing, he also had five bags of crack cocaine in his pockets. He got a free ride after all, to the jail.

bozo criminals for today come from Colma, California where security guards at the local mall called the cops to report a burglary. When the cops pulled up they noticed two men outside the mall using a coat hanger to try to get into a locked car. When they pulled up to investigate, the officers discovered that it was none other than our bozo thieves, who had returned to their getaway car with all their loot only to discover they’d locked themselves out. They’ve now been locked up.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Tromso, Norway comes the story of a couple of bozos who had been admiring the $2000 digital camera at the local electronics store. Finally, they decided they just had to have it. So one evening our bozos smashed the store’s front window and snatched the video camera. What they didn’t realize was that the camera was wired to a separate recorder, giving the cops crystal clear close up footage of their ugly mugs.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Gregg Hanke for sending in today’s report. From Phoenix, Arizona comes the story of bozo Neil Goldstein who jumped into a white 2001 Dodge Intrepid at a car wash and took off. And of all the cars at the car wash, there is no doubt our bozo picked the worst one to steal. It was an unmarked police vehicle waiting unattended in the vacuum line. He also failed to notice another police car, this one fully marked, and with a uniformed officer behind the wheel,

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in this report from the International File in Glasgow, Scotland. It seems our bozo had an exotic snake that was illegal to bring into Scotland so she tried to sneak it through customs. Did she hide the snake in her luggage or purse? Nope. She didn’t even try to conceal it under her clothing. Our bozo sealed her fate when she wrapped the live snake around her waist and tried to pass through customs by claiming it was a belt.

bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Orebro, Sweden comes the story of a city that was experiencing a rash of graffiti. It seemed like every few nights another local building would be defaced with ugly spray painted words. The police were finally able to track down the source of the graffiti–a well known businessman in town. He and several of his employees would sneak out after dark and deface the buildings. And the reason? He owned a graffiti removal company and after his crew would spray paint the buildings he would contact the owners the next day offering to do the clean up job, for a fee, of course.

No bozo for today. Keep the victims of the tragedies in New York and Washington in your thoughts and prayers.

bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Santiago, Chile where three teenage bozos tried to rob a bus. As they were walking through threatening passengers with a baseball bat, one of them heard the words that would strike fear in any teenager, "What do you think you’re doing? Get off this bus right now!" That’s right, the mother of one of the teenagers was riding on the bus. And their bad luck didn’t end there. A plain clothes policeman was also on the bus and he and the bus driver managed to disarm our bozos.

bozo criminal for today comes from Johnson County, Texas where bozo Kristopher Hardy wanted to go home to visit family and friends, but he had no transportation. So he did what any bozo would do, he tried to steal a freight train. I emphasize tried because, while he was able to get the engines started, he didn’t know how to release the brake. So he called Union Pacific dispatchers for help. The conductor and engineer sent over by the dispatcher overpowered our bozo and called the cops

(Best of bozo) bozo criminal for today comes from Providence, Rhode Island where bozo David Preston has just been released from jail. Not having a job and needing money, he headed straight for the local bank…with the intention of robbing it. Since he’d been in jail for a while he was not real familiar with the layout of the bank, so he walked up to the first group of windows he saw and announced that this was a holdup. The woman looked up at him and said, "Sorry, you’re in the wrong department. This is the loan department. The teller’s with the cash are on the other side of the lobby." Being a polite bozo he thanked her and politely walked over to the teller’s window where there was a line. Our bozo took his place at the back of the line and waited his turn. While he was waiting, the cops were called and arrived just as our bozo was attempting his getaway.

(Best of bozo) bozo criminal for today comes from Florence, North Carolina where Bozos James Cox and Johnny Andrews had plans to rob the pizza delivery guy. So, the first thing they did was call up and order a pizza. A few minutes later, the pizza shop called and said their delivery man was having trouble finding the address. The Bozos said no problem and arranged to meet the pizza guy elsewhere. The delivery man met the Bozos at the designated location and was confronted by our Bozos who pointed a gun in his face. The delivery person threw the pizzas at them, got back in his car and sped off. Only one problem for our bozo hold up men. Remember their home address that the delivery guy couldn’t find? The cops had no trouble at all fiding it and the Bozos were arrested before they could finish their pizza.

(Best of bozo) bozo criminal for today comes from Clearwater, Florida where bozo Darren O’Donnell spotted some wild parrots nesting atop an electrical substation. Thinking the parrots might be valuable, our bozo set out to capture them. Now, if you are a bozo and you want to dislodge some parrots from the top of an electrical substation, what would you use? A metal pole, of course. Our bozo was poking around with the pole when he touched a transformer and was zapped with 15,000 volts. Parrots were unharmed. The bozo suffered second and third degree burns and was arrested.

(Best of bozo) bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Stettler, Canada comes the story of bozo David Yates who was stopped by the police after the car he was driving was seen weaving down the highway. Believing the suspect to be intoxicated, police placed our bozo in the back of the patrol car. While sitting in the back of the car, our bozo ripped off his underwear and began to try to eat it, believing that the cotton fabric would absorb the alcohol before he had to take the breathalyzer test. Don’t know how he did on the breathalyzer test, but he just scored a perfect 100 on the bozo exam.

bozo criminal for today comes from Redondo Beach, California. Not only is the following gentleman a bozo winner, he also wins our award for bozo excuse of the day. bozo John Abrams was stopped by police after they noticed the car he was driving had the upper half of a traffic light pole laying across its hood. Obviously the bozo had been in an accident but when the police asked Mr. Abrams why he had a traffic light pole laying across the hood of his car, the rather intoxicated bozo replied, "It came with the car when I bought it."