Monthly Archives: August 2001

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Bob Healey for sending in today’s report. From Saugus, Massachusetts comes the story of bozo Dick Henson who had a little marijuana to sell. It was late, after two AM, and he spotted what looked like a good place to make a dope deal. A parking lot with only a few cars in it. Perhaps if he had looked a little closer he would have noticed that it was the police station parking lot and those little things on top of the light poles were cameras. But he didn’t. The cops did notice him, however and he was quickly busted.

bozo criminal for today comes from The Bronx, New York where bozo Jose Ramirez hopped into a cab and gave the driver his destination. They had only gone a couple of blocks when our bozo pulled out a knife and forced the cabbie to fork over his cash. He then shoved the driver our of the cab and sped away. The cabbie called the cops who knew right where to look for our bozo. Yep, he drove the stolen cab to the very address where he had originally asked the cabbie to take him.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan for sending in today’s report. From our ever bulging political section in the International File comes the story of a woman in Japan who received an insurance payment of 30 million yen after filing accident reports indicating her husband had died. And now the insurance company wants their money back. Because her bozo husband didn’t exactly keep a low profile after his "death." He returned to his native Pakistan and ran for political office, winning the local election.

bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Chumphon, Thailand comes the story of a bozo extortionist who was demanding money from a local shop owner. When the owner told our bozo he didn’t have enough money to pay him right now, our bozo looked around and spotted a hammock out back. He told the owner he would go and relax in the hammock until the man took in enough cash to pay him. It must have been a very comfortable hammock because he was soon sound asleep. The shop owner called the cops who came by and woke our bozo up and took him to jail.

bozo criminal for today comes from Camano Island, Washington where bozo James Lane went for a little stroll the other evening. Which would have been fine except that he forgot to put on any clothes. Our totally naked bozo was spotted walking around near a movie theatre. The cops arrived and were in the process of writing our bozo up for indecent exposure when one of the officers asked him what he did for a living. "I grow marijuana for fun and profit," he answered. He then went on to tell the officer that he had an unusually large crop this year and would the officer like to help him harvest it. The officer said he’d certainly like to see the operation so our bozo took him over to his greenhouse. The plants were confiscated and the cops are still trying to decide what to do with our bozo.

bozo criminal for today comes from the personnel file. From Butte, Montana comes the story of bozo Sherwin Hanover who applied for the position of director of the Montana Department of Corrections. Our bozo presented a very impressive resume, including 28 years in the department. But he didn’t get the job, due in large part to the fact that those 28 years in the department were the 28 years he spent in prison serving a life sentence for murder.

bozo criminal for today comes from Virginia Beach, Virginia where a woman spotted two able bodied bozos parked in a handicapped zone. When she told them to move they responded by cursing at her. Shouldn’t have done that. She wrote down a description of their car and the license plate number. And what she didn’t realize was that at that very moment their accomplice was robbing the restaurant next door where she worked. Her detailed description led to their arrest. Maybe next time they’ll use the regular parking space.

bozo criminal for today comes from Detroit, Michigan where five bozos wearing bandannas over their faces held up a McDonald’s. Our bozos seemed to be quite well organized and knew exactly what they wanted. In fact they would probably have made a clean getaway except for one thing. Remember those bandannas. One bozo tossed his out the window as they were driving away and it snagged on the radio antenna, serving as an identifying flag for the cops as they closed in for the arrest.

bozo criminal for today comes from Tampa, Florida where bozo Rafael Morgan was test driving a Porsche when he was pulled over by the cops and ticketed for doing 60 in a 35 zone. When our bozo returned to the dealership, he quickly sped away as soon as the salesperson got out of the car. It wasn’t that difficult for the cops to track the guy down, after all he had just given the officer his address when he was ticketed. The cops just drove to his home and found the Porsche outside and the bozo inside. It was when the cops arrested him that our bozo gave them the bozo Excuse of the Month. He told them he didn’t steal the car, he just drove it home to see if it would fit into his garage.

bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Edward, New York where bozo Frances Stagner broke into the local bowling alley by climbing in through a ceiling vent. As our bozo was creeping along, the ceiling suddenly gave way and he crashed down onto one of the lanes. This set off a motion sensor which in turn set off the automatic pin setting mechanism. Before our bozo even knew what was happening he was racked up like a bowling pin at the end of the lane. And the mechanism held him so tight he couldn’t squirm free. Of course he didn’t have long to work on his escape, the bowling alley was located right next door to the police station.

bozo criminal for today comes from Los Angeles, California where bozo Albert Vance was wanted by the cops on an assault charge. But our bozo must have gotten word that they were coming because when the police arrived at his house he was nowhere to be found. Playing a hunch, one of the cops got our bozo’s pager number and dialed it. When they heard a beeping sound coming from the attic, they knew they had their man.

Our bozo for today goes a long way toward proving that the "Dog as Man’s Best Friend" theory does not apply to bozos. From Missoula, Montana comes the story of bozo Michael Starkey who left his black lab tied up to a water spigot in front of his house. One day while our bozo was away the lab broke free, rupturing the pipe, which caused the basement to flood. When the property manager came by to take care of the problem he discovered the water cutoff was in the basement. To reach it, however, he had to fight his way through a six foot tall jungle of marijuana plants which our bozo was cultivating using grow lights. Don’t know who got possession of the dog but we do know the cops were waiting for our bozo when he returned home.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk "Alex from Indonesia" for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Surabaya, Indonesia comes the story of a bozo who needed some cash, and quick. So he stole the first thing he spotted, which happened to be a motorcycle. First he tried to push the contraption down the street, then he tried to drag it and he wasn’t making much progress using either approach. But he did succeed in attracting the attention of a neighbor who called the cops. To cap off what had already been a bad day for our bozo, when he tried to flee he fell into an open sewer. He was cleaned up and hauled off to jail.

bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Trento, Italy comes the story of bozo Diego de Carlo who had to appear at the courthouse to pay a couple of parking tickets. Being a bozo he of course parked in a no parking zone in front of the courthouse when he went inside. Upon returning to his car he found a new parking ticket on his windshield so he went right back inside to pay it. And you know what was waiting for him when he came back…a third ticket. Our bozo should feel fortunate, however, as the officials took pity on him and said they wouldn’t make him pay the third ticket.

From the International File in Blandford Camp, England comes the story of bozo Catherine Mitchell who worked at an army base pub and wanted an afternoon off. And since she didn’t have any time off coming to her she hatched the ultimate bozo vacation plan. She planted a cardboard box wrapped in duct tape underneath a table at the bar and then alerted a soldier to the suspcious package. He called the authorities and that’s when things got a little out of hand. Not only was the pub shut down, but approximately 1000 people from nearby homes and businesses were evacuated and a bomb disposal unit was called in. All because our bozo didn’t want to work that afternoon. She won’t have any afternoons off for a while. The judge sentenced her to 160 hours of community service.

bozo criminal for today violated bozo Rule #0023: For obvious reasons, donut shops are not the best places to rob. bozo Antoine Cook of Chicago learned this the hard way. Our bozo was standing in line at the neighborhood Dunkin’ Donuts and when it came time to place his order he pulled a gun from his waistband and ordered the clerk to "Give it up!" The next thing our bozo knew he had been grabbed and wrestled to the ground. That’s because standing directly behind him in line at the donut shop was a Chicago police officer. He’s been charged with attempted robbery and assault on a police officer.

bozo criminal for today comes from Shaker Heights, Ohio where bozo Darryl Adams walked into a bank, threatened a teller and got away with a handful of cash. Before police could even respond to the alarm, our bozo calmly walked back into the bank and told the same teller he needed to buy a $45 money order. The stunned teller told the bozo to hit the road, which he did, leaving his stolen wad of cash behind in the process. He’s been arrested.

bozo criminal for today comes from Atlanta, Georgia where bozo Glenn Mason was arrested and charged with bank robbery. And he’s going to have a tough time denying this one, too. About 300 witnesses at a club heard him make his confession. You see, after one of his stick ups, our bozo decided to try his hand at comedy and during open mic night at the local comedy club he went into a routine detailing how he robbed banks for a living. Employees of the club didn’t see the humor in his routine and called the cops who checked out our bozo’s story and arrested him.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Michael Tooher for sending in today’s report. From Portland, Maine comes the story of bozo Timothy Danes who is facing charges of illegal possession of explosives after authorites found him with a pipe bomb. And how did the cops make such a discovery? Our bozo was applying for a job with the Cumberland County Sheriff’s Department and he told the interviewer that he had a pipe bomb in his possession. And after a quick check the cops discovered he wasn’t lying. By the way, he didn’t get the job.

bozo criminal for today comes from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania where bozo Michael Martin stole a car but instead of selling it to a chop shop or to someone else our bozo decided to try to sell it back to the person he had just stolen it from. Our bozo got the phone number and called the woman, claiming to have bought the car for $600 before realizing it was stolen. He then offered to sell it back to her for the same amount. No deal, she said, and after some negotiating she agreed to buy it back from him for $200. Knowing something was not right, she called the cops who were waiting four our bozo when he showed up with the car.