Monthly Archives: April 2001

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for pointing out today’s story in a recent Ann Landers’ column. From Hutchison, Kansas comes the story of bozo Tom Hall who had a little too much to drink at a party. He met an old friend there who told him that her house was unlocked and it was OK for him to go over there and sleep it off. Telling her he knew exactly where she lived, our bozo left the party. Somewhere along the way he got a little confused but he did finally find what he thought was the right house. The backdoor was unlocked so he let himself in, stripped down to his underwear and climbed into the first bed he found. Sometime later the woman who was sleeping in that bed awoke to find a strange man passed out cold next to her. She jumped up and quickly ran next door to call the cops. They came over and awakened our bozo, telling him he was in the wrong house in the wrong bed with the wrong woman. He’s been charged with criminal trespass.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Boulder, Colorado where bozo Douglas Olsen had been admiring a Himilayan cat at the humane society but was a little short of cash. He decided the quickest way to come up with the money would be to print it up on a copy machine. Either he’s colorblind or he’s even dumber than your average bozo. He printed up fake dollar bills on crumpled yellow paper! (Yellowbacks, anyone?) When he tried to pass these beauties the folks at the humane society busted out laughing and stalled our bozo until the police arrived.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jeff Kimmey for sending in today’s report. From Oklahoma City, Oklahoma comes the story of bozo Kenneth Waymire who had just bonded out of jail. Not surprisingly, our bozo was in a big hurry to get home. Too much of a hurry as it turns out. He hadn’t gone very far before he was angered by a slow moving van on the highway. Our road-raging bozo veered in front of the van, making obscene gestures at the occupants and generally harassing them. When the van pulled into a parking lot, he wheeled up beside them and jumped out of the car. Unfortunately for our bozo the occupants got of their van also. All seven of them. Members of the Oklahoma City Police department’s tactical unit, in full riot gear. A check of our bozo’s car turned up some crack cocaine. He was given a speedy ride back to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joe Messina for sending in today’s report. From Boston, Massachusetts comes the story of bozo Hal Cowans who broke into a home and stole a couple of cameras and some jewelry. He then headed to the nearest pawn shop and hocked the items. The police were eventually able to track down the stolen goods and return them to the rightful owner. But the bozo’s identity remained a mystery until the owner decided to get the film in one of the cameras developed. On the roll were several pictures from his nephew’s Bar Mitzvah and a couple of photos of a man he didn’t recognize…but the police did. It seems our bozo let the pawn broker take a couple of shots of him to prove the camera worked and then forgot to remove the film. The next pictures he’ll have made will be mug shots.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Andy Kent for sending along today’s report. From Kirksville, Missouri comes the story of a bozo husband and wife team who went into a local drug store and grabbed several handsful of film before fleeing. And our bozos might be happily taking pictures today except for one problem. They remembered to make their getaway with the film, but they forgot something else. Their six year old son who was also in the store. He’s staying with grandpa and grandma now since he was more than happy to tell the cops where his parents lived.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Sal Darigo for sending in today’s report from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania where police were summoned to an arcade and amusement center. It seems 19 year old bozo Dave Jenkins had called the cops to complain that one of the arcade employees had stolen something from him. And just what would that something be, the cops asked. "My marijuana," was our bozo’s reply. The police did a little investigating and found the pot. When our bozo identified it as belonging to him, he was arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bryon Cheatham for sending in today’s report from Big Spring, Texas where bozo Kirk Moore reported his car as stolen to the police. A short time later the police spotted the vehicle in question and pulled the driver over. As fate would have it, our bozo was in the area and stopped to claim the car as his. The officer on the scene ran a check on the vehicle’s license plates and discovered the car had been stolen not once, but twice. And the first thief was…our bozo! That’s right, our bozo is a car thief who called the cops to report a stolen car as stolen. And to add to his problems, he was wanted on a parole violation. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jack Decker for sending in today’s report from Muskegon, Michigan. A couple of bozos hatched an almost perfect plan for stealing goods from the local Wal-Mart. Using their home computer, they printed up official looking Wal-Mart receipts for $2000 worth of computer equipment and a DVD player. They then headed to the store and loaded the items into a shopping cart, planning to show the phony receipts to the security guard as they headed out the door. Guess they were really excited about pulling off the heist as they got to the store a little early. The time printed on the bogus receipts was 3:03 PM. They tried to sneak past the guard at a little past 2:50. A bozo time warp, if you will. They’re keeping track of time in jail now.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Memphis, Tennessee where bozo Albert Kane stole a set of tools out of the back of a pickup truck. The tools belonged to a local home builder and one of the tools was fairly rare. The builder placed an ad in the paper seeking to purchase another of the rare tools to replace the one stolen and who should respond to the ad but our bozo. When the builder went by the bozo’s home to inspect the tools he had for sale, he recognized them as his own. He excused himself, saying he was leaving to get some cash. Instead he returned with the cops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Erfurt, Germany where an unidentified bozo tried to purchase some gas with counterfeit bills. The clerk recognized the money as being phony and wouldn’t take it. This so upset our bozo that he drove to the nearest police station to complain. Not the best idea. First, it’s against the law to try to pass counterfeit money. Secondly, the officers ran a quick check on our bozo and found that he didn’t have a drivers license. And, third, he was drunk, four times over the legal limit. He won’t be going anywhere for a while.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Worth, Texas where bozo Randy Harris picked a really bad place to hide. Our bozo allegedly held up a bank, getting away with a small amount of cash and escaping on foot. Thinking that the cops might be on his tail, he ducked into a tanning salon. Our bozo then rushed up to the attendant and, out of breath, asked the price of a tan. The curious attendant asked him if he was being chased and he answered, "No, I just need a tan." He was shown to a tanning bed. In the meantime the suspicious attendant called the cops who were waiting to arrest our tanned and rested bozo when he stepped out of the booth.

Don’t know what it’s been recently with bozos shedding their clothes but we have another one today. From the International File in Brazil comes the story of bozo William Farias. Our bozo, a minor league soccer player, scored a goal in an important game and to celebrate, ripped off his shirt, threw it into the crowd and ran around the stadium, a common practice in soccer. Don’t know if he wasn’t getting the reaction he’d hoped for from the crowd or what, but our bozo decided not to stop with his shirt. He also ripped off his shorts and threw them into the crowd (must have thought he was in the XFL!) He not only was suspended from the team he was also arrested for indecent exposure.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Lucerne, Switzerland comes the story of a bozo who held up a music store and then used a taxi as a getaway vehicle. A witness saw the bozo jump into the car and called the cops who traced the cab. They then radioed the driver and gave him instructions to the nearest police station. Meanwhile, our bozo was so busy admiring his loot that he didn’t even notice what was going on. When the cab pulled to a stop at the station house our bozo stepped out and was immediately arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hauula, Hawaii where bozo Melvin Weaver thought he had come up with the foolproof disguise for a burglar…his birthday suit. In his clouded way of thinking he thought the sight of a naked man would so startle any eyewitnesses that they would not be able to give the police an accurate description of him. He never quite had the chance to put his plan to the test, however. He was caught rummaging through a home and went running naked out the back door. But it was the neighbors who led to our bozo’s capture. Neighbors who called the cops to complain about a naked man running down the street.

Bozo criminals for today come from Buffalo, New York where three bozos robbed a cabdriver at gunpoint, getting away with a small amount of cash. The police were able to catch two of the bozos and at a hearing a couple of weeks later the prosecutor asked the cabbie to point out who had robbed him. The cab driver pointed to the two bozos at the defense table, the gestured toward a man sitting at the back of the courtroom, who he identified as the one who had held the gun on him. Believe it or not, the bozo who had not been caught showed up in court to see what was going to happen to his friends. He’s now joined them in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the seldom used Royalty File. From London, England comes the story of Britain’s Princess Anne who was recently fined $700 for doing over 90 MPH in her Bentley and ignoring a police officer chasing her. But what really makes the princess a bozo is the excuse she offered up for not stopping. She said when she saw the flashing lights, she just assumed the officer was providing her a royal escort.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Celebrity File. The producer of the "Cops" TV show was visiting Atlanta to meet with the police and set up an upcoming episode of "Cops" in the city. But the meeting he ended up having with the cops was not quite the meeting he had planned. Our bozo had a few too many glasses of wine with dinner and was pulled over by the Atlanta police and charged with drunk driving. Wonder if he’l show up on a future episode of "Cops"?

Bozo criminals for today come from Wrightsville, Georgia where bozos James Wise and Terry Gore decided to try their hand at extortion. They sent a letter to a school superintendent asking for $100,000 to prevent several pipe bombs supposedly planted at the school from being set off. Authorities evacuated the school as a precaution but were not really worried about our bozos actually planting any bombs. They knew these guys weren’t going anywhere because they signed the letter with their real names and included their return address on the envelope. And that return address was- "Reidsville State Prison."

Bozo criminal for today comes from Winona, Minnesota where bozo Billy Simon stole a bicycle and a small safe from a home. Police were called to investigate and noticed some rather strange tracks in the snow. Leaving the home was a set of bicycle tracks and every few hundred feet the rider would stop and set a square object down in the snow. Apparently our bozo was trying to ride the bike with the safe perched in his lap. When it would get too heavy for him he would stop and set it down to rest. The cops followed the tracks to the bozo’s backyard where they found him, the safe and the bicycle.

Many of our bozo criminals have been caught red-handed, but today’s bozo is a crook of a different color. From Van Buren, Arkansas comes the story of bozo Donald Vance who used blue spray paint to write threatening and obscene messages on a residence and a McDonald’s restaurant. Witnesses gave the police a description of our bozo’s car and he was pulled over a short time later. At first he denied any involvement in the caper but when he reached for his drivers license his hands gave him away. They were blue from the spray paint. He’s washing his hands in jail now.