Yearly Archives: 2000

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File. From Copenhagen, Denmark comes the story of two bozo Danish sailors who had shore leave in Copenhagen. Our bozos headed straight from the fishing boat to a nearby pub where they proceeded to throw down a few beers. Sometime during the drinking spree the bozos decided it might be fun to play "dodge em" in a nearby car dealer’s parking lot. The bozos climbed a fence, picked a car each and drove around the lot, hitting 31 other vehicles and causing an estimated $640,000 in damage. Somehow, the bozos managed to escape and returned to their ship, but were quickly arrested. All the cops had to do was follow their noses. The overwhelming smell of fish in the two cars led the police to the bozos’ fishing vessel, docked nearby.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Santiago Minguela of California for sending in today’s report. Mr. Minguela is a former public defender and tells us of a case from his personal files. From Vallejo, California comes the story of bozo Robert Jacobsen who was dealing crack on a street corner when a plainclothes officer drove by, bought some crack and arrested him. While out on bail our bozo returned to the same street corner and was once again approached by the same police officer. Our bozo said, "Oh, no! You’re the guy who busted me last time!" The officer convinced him that he was not the same guy, just someone who looked like him. The bozo then sold him the crack and was once again arrested. Our bozo was released from jail one more time and, you guessed it, returned to the same street corner where the same police officer once again approached him. The bozo said, "This time you can’t fool me. I know you’re the same guy who’s arrested me twice." The officer admitted that, yes, he was the same officer but he was off duty, so that made it OK. Our hapless bozo considered this for a moment and sold him the crack. This time he was sent up for six years. When he gets out, we have one word of advise for him: Stay away from that corner!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Douglas McKenzie who sent in today’s report. From Tulsa, Oklahoma comes the story of bozo Stanley Shafer who ran a red light in full view of a police officer. The patrolman flipped on his light and signaled to the bozo to pull over. Of course, being a bozo, he decided to try to outrun him. And he did a pretty good job, too, leading the cop on a chase with speeds up to 100 miles per hour. Then our bozo came to a toll plaza. Most criminals being pursued by the cops would either avoid a toll road entirely or speed through without paying. But not a bozo. He pulled up to the booth, stopped and was fumbling for his change when the officer arrested him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from El Cerrito, California where bozo David Hastings was standing in line at the department of motor vehicles, waiting to get his picture taken for his new drivers license. He struck up a conversation with the man in line behind him, telling him that he needed a ride since his car was in the shop. The good samaritian offered to give him a lift after they had their licenses processed. Once in the vehicle, our bozo shoved the man out and took off in his car. The cops had no trouble finding our bozo, however. They just had the man look through the day’s license photos and pick him out.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Spearfish, South Dakota where 17 year old bozo Randy Hill stole a car. He drove it around for a while and then stopped into a restaurant for a bite to eat. While sitting in the restaurant he noticed a couple of police officers walking in. Thinking the jig was up, our bozo threw himself spread eagled on the floor in front of the cops and said, "Please don’t shoot me! The car is in the parking lot." The officers, who had simply stopped at the cafe for a cup of coffee were more than happy to arrest the bozo.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Marty Maier of Michigan who sent in today’s report. From Ann Arbor, Michigan comes the story of bozo Andrew Woods who made several mistakes in his little foray into crime. Our bozo, riding a bicycle (mistake one), came up to a marked police car containing two uniformed officers and attempted to rob them (mistake two). When the officers refused to hand over any cash, the bozo reached through the window and threw a punch at one of the cops (mistake three). His partner then sprayed our bozo with mace. By this time another police officer had noticed what was going on and rushed over to help out. Our mistake prone bozo was promptly hauled off to jail.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 7887: It’s usually a good idea to eat before you commit a crime. From El Cerrito, California comes the story of bozo Royce Richards who carjacked a vehicle, forcing the owner to drive to a bank and withdraw some money from an ATM before kicking him out of the car. The owner immediately called the cops and our bozo immediately headed to get something to eat. The police were on the lookout for the vehicle and spotted it in the drive thru lane at the local Jack in the Box. Our bozo was so intent on getting his order that he didn’t notice the police criuser in line behind him. He was arrested before he could even enjoy his Jumbo Jack.

Thanks to officer "Jofa" from Boston, Massachusetts who tells us today’s bozo comes from personal experience. Bozo criminals John Harrison and Paul Harper snatched a car but were spotted in the act by the owner, who gave chase in his other vehicle, calling the police on his cell phone to advise them of the bozo’s location. Knowing that they were being followed, our bozos got a little careless and ran the car into a snowbank, getting it stuck. After a couple of attempts to free the car, our bozos placed the running vehicle in reverse and jumped out to try to help push it out of the snow. In the process slamming the doors shut and locking themselves out. And that’s how the cops found our hapless bozos, trying to break back into the vehicle, which was still running, with the wheels spinning, stuck in a snowbank.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cary, North Carolina where the manager of a bank noticed bozo John Simpson pacing back and forth in front of the bank wearing a large fake nose, a bad blonde wig and large gold rimmed clown glasses. Before he could get up the courage to go inside, a passing fire truck with its siren blaring frightened the bozo away. The bank manager called the cops who put out an all points bulletin to be on the lookout for a bozo matching this description. And, wouldn’t you know it, a short time later our bozo showed up at another bank, wearing the same getup. He was immediately arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Newark, New Jersey where bozo Ronnie Hamer was pulled over by the cops for speeding. As the officer was asking our bozo a few routine questions, the bozo became more and more nervous, finally deciding he had to have a smoke. He reached into the glove compartment and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. And what should fall out of that pack but a marijuana joint, in plain view of the officer. The car was searched and $32,000 worth of drug money and several pounds of marijuana was found. Maybe next time our bozo should try the patch.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Los Angeles, California where bozo Sam Oswald was pursued through several blocks in Hollywood by police who noticed him driving erratically. Knowing he was caught and wanting to dispose of the evidence, our bozo slowed down to a crawl, opened the car door and threw out a can of beer. Unfortunately, he was not wearing a seatbelt and while throwing out the beer, he also threw himself out. After being treated for cuts and bruises, our bozo was booked on suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Evansville, Illinois where bozo Ronnie Green had a rough day. Bozo Ronnie walked into the Civitas Bank, placed his hand in his pocket as though he had a gun and handed the teller a note telling her to put $500 into an envelope. As luck would have it, he walked up to a teller with an empty cash drawer. When she opened the drawer and showed him there was nothing inside, our bozo stood dumbfounded for a moment and then decided the best thing for him to do was to get out of there, quick. Just as he was rushing out the door, he encountered an off duty police officer who was coming in. Bank employees quickly pointed the bozo out to the officer who was able to grab the bozo as he stood arguing with his girlfriend in front of the bank.

Thanks to Holland’s Number One Bozo News Hawk Tom Doodkorte for sending in today’s bozo. From the International File in Rotterdam, Holland comes the story of two bozos who broke into a large sports arena. The bozos were prowling around inside when they were surprised by the cops who and come to investigate the sound of breaking glass. Bozo number one saw the cops and decided to make a break for it, dashing out the back door with a couple of policemen in hot pursuit. Bozo number two was not spotted by the cops and decided to stay behind, hiding in the restroom. As the police were checking out the premises, they heard a cell phone go off. It was bozo number one, who had outrun the cops, calling bozo number two to see if he was all right.

Bozo criminal for today is a double award winner. Not only is Brian Wesley from Des Moines, Iowa our Bozo of the Day but he has also won our Excuse of the Month competition. Our bozo broke out the glass on the back door of one of the homes in his neighborhood, went inside, rummaged around and then left, walking back to his home. The police had no problem tracking our bozo down, as he cut himself on the glass and left a bloody trail to his front door. It was when the police asked our bozo about the robbery that he came up with our Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told the cops that space aliens had picked him up and dropped him off at the house with orders to break in.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Modesto, California where bozo Joshua Moreno had been placed under a restraining order by his wife. Bozo Joshua wanted this order lifted, so he did what any bozo would do. He went before the judge to make the request…pretending to be his wife. Complete with a dress, high heels, red lipstick, long black wig and speaking in a high pitched falsetto voice. Maybe it was his five o’clock shadow that gave him away. The judge was not fooled and had our bozo arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dave Stebbins of Erie, Pennsylvania for sending in today’s bozo. From Wheeling, Illinois comes the story of bozo Mary Hopkins who was a cashier at the local Wal-Mart. Mary would copy down customers’ credit card numbers and then buy merchandise for herself from the same Wal-Mart using those stolen credit card numbers. Being a bozo, however, Mary made it very easy for the cops to catch her. She used the stolen card numbers but used her real name on the receipts so she could receive her employee discount on each purchase.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hilton, New York where bozo William Brown was scheduled to appear in court on charges of possession of stolen property. Our bozo was driving in for his court appearance when he was stopped by a cop for speeding. A quick check of our bozo’s car registration revealed that he was driving to court in a stolen car. He won’t be doing any more driving for quite a while.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Huntsville, Alabama where bozo Larry Sloan tried to hold up a pawn shop. Our bozo was obviously not prepared for the shop owner to put up a fight because after getting involved in a struggle with the owner our bozo staggered off down the street in a daze, leaving his getaway car in the pawn shop parking lot. The cops arrived, checked the car and confirmed that it did indeed belong to our bozo. Inside the car was a "To do" list for the day that included the item, "Rob pawn shop."

Bozo criminal for today comes from Greenville, Mississippi where bozo Freddie Silas carjacked a vehicle, jumping in at a convenience store and telling the woman behind the wheel to drive. They had not gone very far when nature called. The bozo told the woman to pull over because he had to use the restroom. And, the bozo told her, don’t go anywhere while I’m gone. He got out and she sped away, heading directly for the sheriff’s office. Our bozo was picked up a short time later, walking down the road looking for another ride.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Muskego, Wisconsin where a teenaged bozo decided it would be fun to steal a street sign. Our bozo hopped out of his car and quickly removed the sign and sped away. Only one problem. While our bozo was stealing the sign his pen fell out of his shirt pocket. And not just any old pen either. It was one of those fancy ones with the person’s name engraved on it. The cops had no trouble using it to track down our bozo who was charged with theft.