Monthly Archives: April 2000

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Carrie Jagels for sending in today’s report. From Beaumont, Texas comes the story of Bozo Bernard Jackson who broke into a car, with the intention of stealing it. It must have been a tough car to break into since our bozo felt the need to take a little nap before driving away. And that’s where the owner, getting ready to go to work the following morning, found our bozo. Sound asleep in the front seat. She called the cops who arrived, woke the bozo up, and arrested him. His first words to the cops who awakened him, "It wasn’t me!"

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jeff Bauer who sent in today’s report. Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 0090: If you’re going to rob a pizza delivery guy, it’s usually a good idea to do it somewhere other than your residence. From Conyers, Georgia comes the story of bozo Jonathan Taylor who ordered several pizzas and when the delivery came threatened the delivery guy, forcing him to hand over the pizzas and the cash that he had on him. Our bozo then proceeded to kick back on the couch, turn up the stereo and enjoy his pizza. But not for long. The delivery guy called the cops and gave them precise directions on how to find our bozo.

Thanks to Officer "Jofa" of the Boston Police Department for sending in today’s report. One day the officer was on patrol when he noticed a car double parked in front of a pizza joint. Running a quick check he discovered the car was stolen. Thinking anyone stupid enough to double park a stolen car must be a bozo, the officer thought it might be easy enough to get him to come out and claim it. So, he turned on the blue lights and walked up to the car, preparing to write out a citation. In no time, the bozo appeared, shouting, "Don’t write me a ticket, officer. I’ll move my car!" Add stolen vehicle charges to that parking ticket.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who spotted this one in a recent Ann Landers column. From Siler City, North Carolina comes the story of bozo Randy Hayes who was having a really bad day. Our bozo walked into a convenience store and bought a bag of potato chips. While the clerk was making change, our bozo tried to grab the money from the cash drawer, but the clerk quickly slammed it shut, almost getting the bozo’s fingers. He then tried to grab the cash register but it was too heavy for him to lift. Next he tried to snatch a rack full of cigarettes but again was stopped by the clerk. Giving up, he drove away empty handed but was spotted by the cops who recognized his vehicle as being stolen. Our bozo tried to outrun them but lost control and crashed the car into a ditch. The cops arrested him on the stolen vehicle charge and on the way to the jail, he asked if they would let him stop at the convenience store to get his chips, since he had already paid for them. Feeling generous, the cops let him go in where he was promptly identified by the clerk as the person who had tried to rob the store earlier. The cops added robbery to the bozo’s charges. Don’t know if he ever got his chips.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Toledo, Ohio where bozo Roger Martin held up a convenience store, trying to disable the cash register by cutting the cord with a knife. All the bozo got for his trouble was a nasty shock. He then became confused when he asked the clerk if she could just put the money in a bag for him and she said, "Paper or plastic?" He finally got his money but by the time he made it outside his getaway car driver had gotten nervous and left. Police arrested him as he waited for his ride on a nearby street corner.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Brook Clyde for sending in today’s report. From Sonoma County, California comes the story of bozo Frank Harrison who was mad at his ex-girlfriend. To get even, he decided he would rob her mother’s house. Not having a car, he called a cab to take him there, asking the cabbie to wait. The cabbie began to get a little suspicious when he noticed our bozo go around the back and then heard a loud smashing noise. A few minutes later, the bozo comes back to the cab, lugging several electronic items, with power cords dangling. Since he has no cash, our bozo offers to pay the cabbie with a VCR. The cabbie won’t take the VCR but he does get the bozo’s ID and calls the cops after he drops him off.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbus, Ohio where 17 year old bozo Adam Brown broke into the home of a 76 year old woman. Our bozo demanded the woman’s car keys and after getting them headed for the garage. A few moments later he returned to the house to ask her how to use the garage door opener. Not getting it to work the first time, our bozo returned a second time to get further instructions on just how to get that door open. The bozo finally succeeded and was on his way…almost. The car was a standard transmission and the bozo had never driven a standard before. He came back into the house a third time to ask the woman how to get the car into gear. By this time the police had been called and our bozo was arrested as he tried to pull out of the driveway.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Evansville, Indiana where bozo David Cox pulled a ski mask over his head, walked into a convenience store and said to the clerk, "This is a robbery." Stunned, the clerk simply told the man, "You don’t want to do that. Is there anything else I can help you with?" The bozo thought for a moment, then pulled off his ski mask and told the clerk that he thought he had lost his wallet in the store a few days ago. Had anyone turned it in? The clerk looked around and, unable to find the wallet, told the bozo that if he would leave his name, address and phone number he would contact him if anyone turned it in. Our bozo gladly handed over the information and left the store. The clerk called the cops who arrested the bozo less than a block from the store, with the ski mask still in his pocket.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File. From Copenhagen, Denmark comes the story of two bozo Danish sailors who had shore leave in Copenhagen. Our bozos headed straight from the fishing boat to a nearby pub where they proceeded to throw down a few beers. Sometime during the drinking spree the bozos decided it might be fun to play "dodge em" in a nearby car dealer’s parking lot. The bozos climbed a fence, picked a car each and drove around the lot, hitting 31 other vehicles and causing an estimated $640,000 in damage. Somehow, the bozos managed to escape and returned to their ship, but were quickly arrested. All the cops had to do was follow their noses. The overwhelming smell of fish in the two cars led the police to the bozos’ fishing vessel, docked nearby.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Santiago Minguela of California for sending in today’s report. Mr. Minguela is a former public defender and tells us of a case from his personal files. From Vallejo, California comes the story of bozo Robert Jacobsen who was dealing crack on a street corner when a plainclothes officer drove by, bought some crack and arrested him. While out on bail our bozo returned to the same street corner and was once again approached by the same police officer. Our bozo said, "Oh, no! You’re the guy who busted me last time!" The officer convinced him that he was not the same guy, just someone who looked like him. The bozo then sold him the crack and was once again arrested. Our bozo was released from jail one more time and, you guessed it, returned to the same street corner where the same police officer once again approached him. The bozo said, "This time you can’t fool me. I know you’re the same guy who’s arrested me twice." The officer admitted that, yes, he was the same officer but he was off duty, so that made it OK. Our hapless bozo considered this for a moment and sold him the crack. This time he was sent up for six years. When he gets out, we have one word of advise for him: Stay away from that corner!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Douglas McKenzie who sent in today’s report. From Tulsa, Oklahoma comes the story of bozo Stanley Shafer who ran a red light in full view of a police officer. The patrolman flipped on his light and signaled to the bozo to pull over. Of course, being a bozo, he decided to try to outrun him. And he did a pretty good job, too, leading the cop on a chase with speeds up to 100 miles per hour. Then our bozo came to a toll plaza. Most criminals being pursued by the cops would either avoid a toll road entirely or speed through without paying. But not a bozo. He pulled up to the booth, stopped and was fumbling for his change when the officer arrested him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from El Cerrito, California where bozo David Hastings was standing in line at the department of motor vehicles, waiting to get his picture taken for his new drivers license. He struck up a conversation with the man in line behind him, telling him that he needed a ride since his car was in the shop. The good samaritian offered to give him a lift after they had their licenses processed. Once in the vehicle, our bozo shoved the man out and took off in his car. The cops had no trouble finding our bozo, however. They just had the man look through the day’s license photos and pick him out.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Spearfish, South Dakota where 17 year old bozo Randy Hill stole a car. He drove it around for a while and then stopped into a restaurant for a bite to eat. While sitting in the restaurant he noticed a couple of police officers walking in. Thinking the jig was up, our bozo threw himself spread eagled on the floor in front of the cops and said, "Please don’t shoot me! The car is in the parking lot." The officers, who had simply stopped at the cafe for a cup of coffee were more than happy to arrest the bozo.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Marty Maier of Michigan who sent in today’s report. From Ann Arbor, Michigan comes the story of bozo Andrew Woods who made several mistakes in his little foray into crime. Our bozo, riding a bicycle (mistake one), came up to a marked police car containing two uniformed officers and attempted to rob them (mistake two). When the officers refused to hand over any cash, the bozo reached through the window and threw a punch at one of the cops (mistake three). His partner then sprayed our bozo with mace. By this time another police officer had noticed what was going on and rushed over to help out. Our mistake prone bozo was promptly hauled off to jail.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 7887: It’s usually a good idea to eat before you commit a crime. From El Cerrito, California comes the story of bozo Royce Richards who carjacked a vehicle, forcing the owner to drive to a bank and withdraw some money from an ATM before kicking him out of the car. The owner immediately called the cops and our bozo immediately headed to get something to eat. The police were on the lookout for the vehicle and spotted it in the drive thru lane at the local Jack in the Box. Our bozo was so intent on getting his order that he didn’t notice the police criuser in line behind him. He was arrested before he could even enjoy his Jumbo Jack.

Thanks to officer "Jofa" from Boston, Massachusetts who tells us today’s bozo comes from personal experience. Bozo criminals John Harrison and Paul Harper snatched a car but were spotted in the act by the owner, who gave chase in his other vehicle, calling the police on his cell phone to advise them of the bozo’s location. Knowing that they were being followed, our bozos got a little careless and ran the car into a snowbank, getting it stuck. After a couple of attempts to free the car, our bozos placed the running vehicle in reverse and jumped out to try to help push it out of the snow. In the process slamming the doors shut and locking themselves out. And that’s how the cops found our hapless bozos, trying to break back into the vehicle, which was still running, with the wheels spinning, stuck in a snowbank.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cary, North Carolina where the manager of a bank noticed bozo John Simpson pacing back and forth in front of the bank wearing a large fake nose, a bad blonde wig and large gold rimmed clown glasses. Before he could get up the courage to go inside, a passing fire truck with its siren blaring frightened the bozo away. The bank manager called the cops who put out an all points bulletin to be on the lookout for a bozo matching this description. And, wouldn’t you know it, a short time later our bozo showed up at another bank, wearing the same getup. He was immediately arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Newark, New Jersey where bozo Ronnie Hamer was pulled over by the cops for speeding. As the officer was asking our bozo a few routine questions, the bozo became more and more nervous, finally deciding he had to have a smoke. He reached into the glove compartment and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. And what should fall out of that pack but a marijuana joint, in plain view of the officer. The car was searched and $32,000 worth of drug money and several pounds of marijuana was found. Maybe next time our bozo should try the patch.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Los Angeles, California where bozo Sam Oswald was pursued through several blocks in Hollywood by police who noticed him driving erratically. Knowing he was caught and wanting to dispose of the evidence, our bozo slowed down to a crawl, opened the car door and threw out a can of beer. Unfortunately, he was not wearing a seatbelt and while throwing out the beer, he also threw himself out. After being treated for cuts and bruises, our bozo was booked on suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Evansville, Illinois where bozo Ronnie Green had a rough day. Bozo Ronnie walked into the Civitas Bank, placed his hand in his pocket as though he had a gun and handed the teller a note telling her to put $500 into an envelope. As luck would have it, he walked up to a teller with an empty cash drawer. When she opened the drawer and showed him there was nothing inside, our bozo stood dumbfounded for a moment and then decided the best thing for him to do was to get out of there, quick. Just as he was rushing out the door, he encountered an off duty police officer who was coming in. Bank employees quickly pointed the bozo out to the officer who was able to grab the bozo as he stood arguing with his girlfriend in front of the bank.