Yearly Archives: 1999

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dick Coleman who passed along today’s report via the internet. From the International File in Vienna, Austria comes the story of an unidentified bozo who had been bothering a woman by placing obscene phone calls to her home. He had been calling her several times a day and finally she decided to set a little trap especially designed to catch a bozo. The next time he called her, she told him she was busy at the moment but if he would give her his phone number she would call him back. He did. She gave the number to the police who promptly arrested him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Rockaway Township, New Jersey where fourth grade substitute teacher Joseph Green became indignant when the principal accused him of coming to class drunk. Our bozo was so upset that he loaded the principal into his car and drove himself to the nearest police station and demanded a breathalyzer test. The police obliged and gave him not one, but two tests. He failed them both and was arrested for DUI.

We’re not sure of any crime committed by today’s bozo except for being criminally stupid. From Salt Lake City, Utah comes the story of bozo Joseph Bradley who had a small problem, his pants kept falling down. To solve the problem he decided to punch an extra hole in his belt. He used a small caliber bullet as a punch and began tapping it into the belt with a hammer. As you might expect, the bullet fired, ricocheted off the table and struck him in the neck. Since police couldn’t find anything to arrest him for, he was treated and released from the hospital.

From York County, Virginia comes the story of 22 year old bozo Denova Ryan who really wanted to help get her boyfriend out of the county jail. She called the jail, identifying herself as being from the prosecutor’s office and told authorities that the prosecutors had dropped the charges against him and that he should be released immediately. The jailers suspected something was up and told her that they would need to see the order to release him on the prosecutor’s letterhead. Several hours later a fax arrived with the words "York County Commonwealth Office" hand printed in big block letters across the top. The fax also had numerous spelling errors and the return fax ID of a local print shop that also provided fax service. Needless to say, she was arrested and her boyfriend was not released.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Horseshoe Bend, Arkansas where bozo Frank McShane came up with a brilliant money making scheme. He would sell forged Arkansas drivers licenses to underage folks and anyone else who needed one. His business was going well until one of his customers was stopped and a policeman noticed something was not quite right with the license. It seems our bozo had gone to a great deal of trouble to make sure his license looked like the real thing…except for one very important detail. On the license, "Arkansas" was misspelled.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Internal Affairs Department. 22 year old Tim Wilson’s dream was to become a cop, so when the Atlanta police department accepted him as a recruit he was very excited. Too excited, as it turns out. He just couldn’t wait to tell his mom the good news. Mom lives in Alabama and Tim had no way to get there so he did what any bozo would do. He "borrowed" a marked police car and drove it there. On the way back, he noticed an Alabama state trooper had pulled over a motorist, so our bozo stopped to offer his assistence. The Alabama cop, suspicious as to why a 22 year old was driving an Atlanta police car on an Alabama Interstate, called the Atlanta PD. Not only was our bozo arrested, he was also fired immediately upon his return home.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbus, Ohio where bozo Clint Grissom walked into a local bank and got in line at one of the teller’s windows. When it was finally his turn, the bozo handed the teller a brown paper bag and told her to fill it with cash, which she did. It was only when he turned to leave that he noticed who was standing behind him…Officer James Marsh of the Columbus police department who arrested him on the spot.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hackensack, New Jersey where bozo Richard Zoller went to visit a friend in jail. The Bozo’s first mistake was when he parked in a space reserved for the warden. When the warden arrived for work and found someone in his space, he ran a quick check on the license tag and found our bozo had an outstanding traffic warrant. So, the bozo was called into the warden’s office. As the warden was explaining the trouble he was in, our bozo fell asleep. Right there in the chair in front of the warden. This made the cops a little suspicious and a quick check of the bozo’s car found four bags of heroin, in plain sight in the front seat. The bozo was arrested and the car towed out of the warden’s spot.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Richmond, Virginia where the local movie house was hosting a special screening of the movie, The Wizard of Oz. To promote the movie, the theatre had a giant pair of ruby slippers built. And very impressive slippers they were, carved from styrofoam, five feet long and absolutely covered with red glitter. The slippers were placed atop the theatre’s marquee and wouldn’t you know it, the next morning the ruby slippers sere gone, stolen by a bozo thief. Didn’t take the cops long to catch the thief, however. All they had to do was follow the trail of red glitter to the bozo’s apartment nearby.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Roseburg, Oregon where bozo Tamara Mills was arrested and charged with setting 34 fires in national forests. Now, our girl Tamara… she’s not just another fire bug. Oh, no. She worked for the U.S. Forest Service as a fire prevention expert. Her reason for setting those fires – so she could earn overtime pay when called to put them out.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan for passing along today’s story via the internet. Bozo criminal for today comes from Lake Havasu City, Arizona where bozo Robbie Collins walked into a convenience store, carrying a large rock. He threatened to hit the clerk with the rock if he didn’t give him a 12 pack of beer, which he did. The bozo then returned to his girlfriend’s home to drink the beer. The girlfriend, having had all she could take, simply waited for the bozo to drink himself into a stupor and returned to the store with a check for the beer. She then called the cops who went to the woman’s home and, after considerable difficulty, succeeded in waking up our bozo and taking him away.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fairfax County, Virginia where police detective Michael Lane insists that he is not a criminal, admitting only that he is absent minded. We would have to insist that he seems to be a bozo, whether he is a criminal… that’s not for us to decide. Lane was accused of stealing items out of the police property room. He says he just took the items home and then forgot about them. Check this list. Found at our bozo’s home were the following: 5 pair of expensive sunglasses, a Sony radio, a Thai Fighter computer game, a laser pen/pointer system, a radar detector, 21 booklets of stamps, a samsonite luggage cart and a framed poster of Marilyn Monroe, all of which matched exactly items that were missing from the property room. He’s absent minded, all right-he forgot to hide his loot.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ken Rogers who sent along today’s story via the internet. From Los Angeles, California comes the story of the bozo criminal who just couldn’t get that car he wanted to steal to start. Police were called to a residence by the owner of the vehicle in question. He showed the cops how the bozo had scratched the car’s finish while using a coat hanger to open the door. He then showed the cops where the bozo had yanked the electrical wiring from under the dash in an attempt to hot wire the car. But, the car was still there. Why, wondered the officer, had the bozo not driven it away? With that, the car’s owner popped the hood and showed the officer the reason. The man had been re-building the car…and there was no engine under the hood.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbus, Ohio where bozo Harry Livingston held up two local banks. Evidently our bozo couldn’t afford a getaway car, so, before the holdups, he rented one. Only problem, he had to give the rental company a copy of his drivers license before renting the car. When a witness spotted the license number on the car, it was immediately traced to the rental agency and to our hapless robber.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Clearwater, Florida where bozo Darren O’Donnell spotted some wild parrots nesting atop an electrical substation. Thinking the parrots might be valuable, our bozo set out to capture them. Now, if you are a bozo and you want to dislodge some parrots from the top of an electrical substation, what would you use? A metal pole, of course. Our bozo was poking around with the pole when he touched a transformer and was zapped with 15,000 volts. The parrots were unharmed. The bozo suffered second and third degree burns and was arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Beaverdam, Virginia where bozo Ronnie Thompson walked into the local Quick Stop convenience store, pulled out a pistol and demanded that the clerk hand over all the money in the register. The clerk quickly noticed that the pistol our bozo was pointing at him was in fact a squirt gun. The clerk then reached under the counter and pulled out a real gun, a 45 semi automatic, which he trained on the bozo until the cops arrived.

Thanks to many bozo news hawks who passed along today’s story. From New York City comes the story of bozo Terrence Anderson who attempted to break into a clothing store in the Flatbush section. Our bozo was trying to squeeze himself between the metal bars on the rear window of the store when his sweater became ensnarled in the bars. In the process of trying to free himself, our bozo apparently slipped, causing the sweater to tighten around his neck and hanging himself. Police noticed that the bozo, who had a long record of burglary arrests, should have taken notice of the name of the store he attempted to rob. Perhaps he did, and it was simply too much for a bozo to resist. The name of the shop–The Dum-Dum Boutique.

Bozo criminals for today pulled off one of the biggest heists in American history, but in the end the fact that they were just rich bozos brought them down. Bozos Steve and Michelle Chambers plead guilty in Charlotte, North Carolina to stealing $17 million from the Loomis, Wells Fargo armored car company. During their time on the lam, our bozos did several things which called attention to their new found wealth and eventually led to their arrest. For one thing, they moved directly from a mobile home into a $600,000 mansion. But the capper was the time bozo Michelle walked into a bank with $200,000 in cash in a suitcase and asked the bank manager, "How much can I deposit without the bank reporting the transaction to the government?" A better question would have been, "How stupid can I be before I get caught?"

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Greg Denman of the Lufkin, Texas PD for sending along today’s report. It seems bozo Timmy Mason was stopped by the Lufkin police on a traffic violation. The officer asked our bozo if he would mind the officer looking inside the vehicle to see if it contained any weapons or contraband. To which the bozo replied, "Yes, I do mind." The officer asked him why and our bozo replied, "Because I have a gun in the front seat." Sure enough, there was a 9mm pistol beside the driver’s seat. Our bozo was arrested for unlawful possession of a weapon.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Erie, Pennsylvania where bozo Steven Wallensky was arrested for stealing a half million dollars from a safe in his fiancee’s parents’ house while they were away on vacation. Our bozo took the money and ran, spending it freely, buying a new Mercedes, video and stereo equipment and taking his mother on a spree at the casinos in Atlantic City. It was his last stop that got him caught. It seems our bozo took a liking to a gentleman’s club. Management at the club became suspicious when the dancers noticed that the $8,000 in cash tips that he gave them had a musty smell, like money that had been stored in a safe for a long time. The cops were called, put two and two together and arrested our bozo.