Yearly Archives: 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hermiston, Oregon where bozo Lucas White had a plan. He would rob the U.S. Bank branch there while wearing a bright red shirt and white hat, something that would be easy to identify. Then he would quickly run from the bank, jump in the trunk of his getaway car and change clothes, thereby making himself more difficult to recognize. Things started out OK, our bozo got his money, jumped in the trunk and started to change clothes. Then he heard a click. Yep, he had locked himself in the trunk of his car. He began pounding on the trunk and screaming for help and who should answer his cries but one of the police officers who was looking for him. The officer was kind enough to free our bozo from the trunk before arresting him.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 3329: It’s usually not a good idea to use your mom as your getaway car driver. From Columbus, Ohio comes the story of bozo Darren Wallace who decided to hold up the local bank. Only problem-our bozo had no transportation. So he asked his mother if she would give him a lift to the bank. Since mom didn’t know what his plans were she was glad to oblige. What our bozo didn’t know was that mom also needed to make a quick trip to the grocery store a couple of blocks away. So she dropped him off at the bank and headed for the store to take care of her shopping. When our bozo ran out of the bank his getaway car was nowhere to be found. He was arrested before mom ever returned with her groceries.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From La Ronge, Saskatchewan comes the story of James Fennigan, who walked into a hotel with his fingers cocked in the shape of a handgun and stuck inside his jacket pocket it looked pretty real. Pointing his "gun" at the clerk, he shouted, "This is a stickup. I’m not fooling around." When the clerk did not seem to be frightened by his weapon the bozo got more and more excited and more and more agitated until finally, he pulled his "hand gun" out of his pocket and gestured for the clerk to hurry up. Seeing he had no weapon, the clerk called for security who rushed over and quickly disarmed and arrested our bozo.

Bozo News Hawk award for today goes to Ed Pennell who passed along this story via the internet. From Cardiff, New South Wales comes the story of bozo Mark Cason who walked into the local post office, flashed a gun-replica cigarette lighter and demanded all the money in the safe. The postmaster produced $15,000, most of it in coins. This was a very large and heavy package, so our bozo asked two children standing in the post office to get the door for him. They did, and in the process wrote down the license number of his getaway car. He managed to make it to a nearby hotel, stashing his loot in the hotel’s safe. He checked in under an assumed name and told the receptionist that if the police came by looking for Mark Cason, to tell them he wasn’t there. They did, she gave them his room number and he was arrested.

Bozo criminal for today wins our Bozo Worst Excuse of the Month Award. From the International File in Liege, Belgium comes the story of a bozo who was brought in by police for questioning regarding the robbery of a jewelry store. The bozo told police that there was no way he could have robbed the jewelry store because he was busy breaking into a school across town at the same time. Police checked their records and sure enough a school had been robbed that same evening. Our bozo was arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Nashville, Tennessee where bozo Jonathan Parker thought he had it all figured out. He really wanted the leather jacket at the expensive department store but there was no way he could afford it. So he thought he’d just shoplift it. Only problem, the jacket had one of those little electronic tags–the kind that set off an alarm if you walk out the door with them still on the clothing. So our bozo goes into a changing room and peels off the little tag, throws it on the floor and walks out wearing his jacket. As soon as he gets to the door, the alarm goes off. A security guard who had been keeping an eye on him anyway stops him and retrieves the jacket. So, why did the alarm go off? Remember the little tag the bozo peeled off and threw on the floor? He stepped on it and it stuck to his shoe.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sunnyvale, California. Jack Wright was a petty thief who specialized in breaking into homes while the owner was away at work. Our bozo apparently used a method to get into this particular house that is familiar to many of us. He used a credit card to jimmy the lock on the back door. He got in, grabbed a few items and made a clean getaway. Or so he thought. He used his own Sears card to jimmy the lock and left the card laying on the floor.

A special thanks to International Bozo News Hawk Matt Grimsey of the UK who passed along today’s report. From Seville, Spain comes the story of a bozo who picked the wrong people to rob. A bozo in the Seville airport grabbed the carry on luggage from a couple of men and made a mad dash for the nearest exit. Much to his surprise, the two men gave chase and almost immediately caught up with him. You see, our unfortunate bozo had picked the arriving plane of USA athetes who were in town for the World Championships. And the two guys he tried to outrun? Champion hurdler Larry Wade and "world’s fastest man", 100 meter world record holder Maurice Greene.

Bozo criminal for today comes from New Britain, Pennsylvania where bozo Abdullah Muhammad walked into a convenience store, purchased a pack of gum and when the clerk opened the drawer, gave him a shove and grabbed the money from the register. Only one problem, he had taken out his wallet when he paid for his gum and still had it in his hand when he made a grab for the cash. As you might expect, the wallet fell to the floor in the scuffle and the bozo left it behind when he fled. The cops checked the wallet and sure enough it contained all the identification needed to make a quick arrest of our bozo.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hagerstown, Maryland where firefighter Andrew Evans was returning home from fighting a blaze when a pickup zoomed up behind him. The driver, bozo Kenneth Ramsey, fired a couple of shotgun blasts at Evans’ truck, hitting his tailgate. Evans pulled his truck over and was immediately confronted by our bozo. "Oops, sorry," the bozo said, "I thought you were someone else." And to show he was serious, our bozo gave Mr. Evans his business card and sped off. A little later, Mr. Evans was giving his story to the highway patrol, when our bozo sped by again, going the other way. The cops caught up with him and sure enough, it was the guy whose name was on the business card. Upon further investigation, the police discovered that our bozo had driven to a liquor store ten miles away and shot the man he was actually looking for in the leg. The bozo was arrested and charged with with drunken driving and assault.

Bozo criminal for today wins our Bozo Award for World’s Worst Timing. From Columbus, Ohio coes the story of Bozo Ricky Lynn Cain who walked into a bank one branch, handed a holdup note to the teller and headed for the door with a wad of cash. Bozo Ricky didn’t get very far, however. It just so happened that at the exact time he was robbing the bank, Officer Duane Ward was there, conducting a seminar for bank employees on what to do in case of a holdup. After handing our bozo the cash, the teller shouted to Officer Ward, "Go get him, he just robbed us!" Officer Ward gave chase and caught up with the bozo in the parking lot.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Oakland, California where an unidentified bozo was trying to get into the United States with a forged passport. Our bozo had stolen another person’s identity and was trying to use his personal information to pass through customs. All of this might have worked out fine had our bozo chosen someone else’s identity to steal. You see, he selected a wanted felon to impersonate. When the customs officer checked the man’s identity, he discovered the name on the passport belonged to a man wanted for felony burglary and concealed weapons charges. After our bozo convinced authorities he was not that person, he was arrested anyway, for trying to enter the country under false pretenses.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Cheril Vernon of Palestine, Texas who was first to bring this story to our attention. From Barnstable, Massachusetts comes the story of a couple of bozo car thieves who stole a car and promptlly became lost. Then they did what guys usually never do…they asked for directions. It was who they asked that caused all the trouble. Our two bozos, in their stolen car, pulled up alongside a police cruiser, rolled down their windows and asked the officer for directions out of town. The officer told them, but noticed they were acting rather strangely. So as they pulled away he ran a check on their license plate…and was able to catch up with them before they even made the city limits.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Orkville, Illinois where bozo Joshua Haynes carjacked a vehicle, drove around for a while and then became tired, so he broke into what he thought was an unoccupied home to spend the night. Our bozo was surprised a little later in the evening when the home’s owner came home. He was even more surprised when the owner of the home slapped a pair of handcuffs on him. You see, the home was owned by a deputy sheriff.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Huntington, West Virginia where bozo Shawn Sloan was living with his wife. Bozo Shawn was wanted back in Marietta, Ohio for bank robbery and he started wondering if they knew about him in West Virginia. So, he had his wife call the local 911 operator and ask if there are any outstanding warrants against her husband. The operator checks and, of course, there is a warrant out for bozo Shawn. She puts the wife on hold long enough for the cops to trace the call. Bozo Shawn was arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Polson, Montana where bozo Guy Williams stole a 30,000 pound road scraper from a construction site. Don’t know why he stole it, but he drove it straight through town, running several redlights. He then headed down to the city lake, onto a boat ramp at full speed and directly off the end of the ramp, sinking the road scraper in 20 feet of water. The bozo could drive the thing…he just couldn’t find the brake pedal.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Charlotte, North Carolina where bozo Lawrence Evans carjacked a Mercedes, holding a gun to the owner’s head and forcing him out of the car. Our bozo didn’t make a speedy getaway, however, since the car was a standard transmission and bozo Lawrence didn’t know how to drive stick. In his effort to get the car into gear our bozo hit a shopping cart, a retaining wall and another car. Finally, after about ten minutes of gear grinding, our bozo got out and tried again, this time carjacking a sport utility vehicle with an automatic transmission. As he sped away, he promptly ran into another car, this one driven by an off duty police officer. He’s been charged with attempted robbery, first degree kidnapping, robbery with a dangerous weapon and hit and run.

You could definitely say our bozo for today was having a bad day. From Anaheim, California comes the story of bozo Myner Miller who broke into a house around 3 AM only to be confronted by the home’s gun-toting owner. Seeing that this was not the place to be, our bozo made a break for it, sprinting across the back yard and stumbling head first into a rather large bed of cactus. Still, our intrepid bozo managed to free himself and make it to the yard’s wrought iron fence, which he jumped over….almost. He wound up impaling himself on the top of the fence but somehow managed to again free himself and limp off into the night. He was arrested when he checked himself into a hospital for treatment of cactus thorns and a puncture wound to the groin. Ouch!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Washington, Pennsylvania where bozo Marlon Lyons was driving down Interstate 70 with a big load of cocaine in his trunk when he made his first mistake. A cop pulled him over for exceeding the speed limit. As the officer was talking to him he noticed he was acting rather antsy so he asked him to step out of the car. Once outside, the officer asked our bozo if he had drugs, guns or anything illegal in the car. This question made our bozo really antsy and he became very pale, his eyes rolled back into his head and he fainted dead away, falling right over the guardrail. He wasn’t injured but as you might imagine this made the officer more than a little suspicious. A quick check of the trunk turned up ten kilograms of cocaine. Our bozo was awakened and arrested.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule #7009: If you’re gonna rob a bank, it’s usually a good idea to take along a sack. From Duvall, Washington comes the story of bozo Thomas Krauss who held up the Seafirst Bank on Main Street, getting away with a significant amount of cash which he stuffed in his pants pockets. Instead of heading home, our bozo ducked into a restaurant just down the street and took a seat at the bar. He then proceeded to offer a female patron cash to drive him out of town. It was at this moment that a sheriff’s deputy in the restaurant noticed the twenty and fifty dollar bills jammed into, and sticking out of, our bozo’s pockets. When the officer asked our bozo for an ID, he reached into his pocket and pulled out wads of twenties as he searched for it. Unable to find an ID, our bozo decided to make a run for it, but was quickly apprehended in the restaurant parking lot as he tried to hide between two parked cars.