Yearly Archives: 1999

Bozo criminals for today come from St. Paul, Minnesota. Bozos Jerry Fremont and Hank Jennings drove down to Orlando, Florida where they broke into several cars at Disney World, stealing cd players, car phones, stereos, credit cards, clothing, luggage and anything else they could find. They loaded their loot into the back of their car and headed back to Minnesota, getting as far as Marietta, Georgia before getting lost. Our bozos were busted when they flagged down a police car to ask for directions.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Snohomish, Washington where Bozo Hank Trent stole Marella Smullin’s credit card. Marella called her card company and alerted them to be on the lookout for anyone using the card. Didn’t take them long to catch up with the bozo. He was arrested when he tried to charge $1000 on the card. And where was he trying to use that card? At the bail bondsman.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Baton Rouge, Louisiana where Leon Wilson’s store had been broken into several times. So, Leon decided to set a little trap for our bozo thieves. He borrowed his wife’s motion activated Christmas tree, the one that says, "Merry Christmas" and then begins singing "Jingle Bells" whenever anyone passes by. He placed that tree by the door of his shop and then took a seat, just out of sight with his trusty shotgun in hand. Sure enough, later that night, Leon was awakened by his Christmas tree burglar alarm to find two teenaged boys breaking into his store. Leon fired a couple of warning blasts from his shotgun and the boys fled. They were arrested by police a little later when they reported to the local hospital with buckshot in their behinds.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Lieutenant Greg Denman of the Lufkin, Texas Police Department for passing along today’s report. It seems that over the weekend, Lufkin officers spotted a man pushing a shopping cart leaving the parking lot of a tire store at one o’clock in the morning. Loaded into the shopping cart were three automobile wheels, two tires mounted on wheels, and one car battery. The officers stopped the bozo who explained that the owner of the store had told him that he could have those items. The officer then asked him why he had chosen to take them at this hour of the morning. The bozo’s answer, "I don’t have a watch." He also doesn’t have a brain. After checking with the store’s owner, police hauled our bozo to jail.

Many thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to this bozo story. From Wilmington, Delaware comes the story of bozo Wayne Jones who held up a bank, getting away with a substantial amount of cash. Moments after leaving the bank with his loot, the red dye pack inside the bozo’s cash sack exploded, spraying dye all over the money and all over the bozo’s hand and arm. A few minutes later, an officer searching for the suspect noticed our bozo standing outside an apartment building. As it happened, the officer and the bozo knew each other, which is why our bozo raised his hand and waved at the officer. The same hand that was stained with fluorescent dye. He’s been provided with a nice clean cell with plenty of soap and water.

The Bozo criminals for today come from Pruntytown, West Virginia where bozos Frank Bertrand and Timothy Nottingham broke out of the minimum security prison and immediately headed to the nearest convenience store in search of beer. Their plan was foiled when the clerk asked our bozos for an ID and, being fresh out of jail, neither one of them could produce one. Faced with the prospect of living free without beer, the bozos decided they would rather be in jail. So, they walked back to the prison, where they were charged with jail break and transferred to a maximum security facility. Sorry to inform the bozos of this, but they don’t serve beer there, either.