Yearly Archives: 1999

Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 6709: When you embark on a life of crime, it’s not a good idea to be polite. Form Birmingham, Alabama comes the story of two unidentified teenage bozos who entered a shoe store and asked a store employee for a pen and paper. The bozos then wrote the employee a note which said, "I’m sorry to do this. You’re so nice. I have a gun in my pants. Give me all your money." The employee read the note and told the two bozos that they’d have to wait until she was finished waiting on a customer. The polite bozos said they’d be happy to wait and proceeded to sit down. The employee then went in the back and tripped the silent alarm. The bozos were still waiting when the police arrived.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Loudoun County, Virginia where bozo Michael Swain was arrested and charged with burglary. Our bozo was caught when he gave his real name while using the phone at his victim’s home to make a $250 call to a psychic hotline.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Kathy McBride of Tyler, Texas who was first to point this bozo out to us. From Aberdeen, South Dakota comes the story of bozo Jerold Carlson who was a regular customer of the casino there. Apparently our bozo had not been doing too well at the tables recentlly and last week he donned a Halloween mask, walked up to a casino clerk, flashed a gun and announced that this was a robbery and that he wanted cash. The casino clerk recognized our bozo by the cheap cologne he was wearing (there’s something about an Aqua Velva man). She called him by name and told him to take off that mask and put his gun away. He did, and proceeded to sit down at one of the gambling tables. The cops decided he might not have been kidding after it was noticed that the casino’s phone lines had been cut and our bozo was arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Baltimore, Maryland where bozo Bernardo Gomez was arrested and charged with distributing drugs. He was looking at ten years in prison if convicted. However, the prosecutors offered to shorten his term to two years if he would just plead guilty and save the state the expense of a trial. Most criminals would probably consult with their lawyer and accept what sounded like a pretty good deal. Now, what would a bozo do? Instead of calling his lawyer, our bozo contacted a psychic, who told him he would never spend a day behind bars. The bozo decided to go to trial. You’ve probably guessed the rest–he’s now facing ten years in prison.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who pointed out today’s story in a recent Ann Landers column. From Coalinga, California comes the story of bozo Shawn Alexander who, while in the process of robbing a home, worked up a thirst and decided to pour himself a drink. While he had the refrigerator door open, he realized he was hungry, so he put a pot of water on to boil, helped himself to some chicken wings and proceeded to cook some shrimp. While waiting for the shrimp to boil, he found a Polaroid camera and decided to take a picture of himself. At this time, a neighbor who was checking on the house surprised the bozo and he bolted out the back door, leaving a developing Polaroid picture of himself on the kitchen counter.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the Internal Affairs File. From Cobb County, Georgia comes the story of police chief Billy Westerberg who called a news conference to announce that the county was cracking down on red light runners with the installation of cameras at intersections and more officers out watching for traffic violators. Guess who was stopped for running a red light on the way home from the news conference? The chief, of course.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jonesboro, Arkansas where bozo Al Wesley decided he would help a couple of his buddies escape from jail. Only problem, he didn’t tell them of his plan. Last week, as his friends were waiting patiently for their bond paperwork to go through, our bozo friend crashed his Jeep Cherokee through the doors of the police station, hoping to give them a chance to flee. His friends, unaware that this was their cue to flee, joined everyone else in the facility in running for cover. Bozo Al was arrested and joined his friends in jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John Payne of Quitman, Texas who passed along today’s story via the internet. From Oshawa, Ontario, Canada comes the story of bozos Larry Caine and Robert Rivera who made a break for freedom as they were being led from a police van for a court appearance. They didn’t get very far, though. Our bozos were handcuffed together, a fact they forgot as they approached a lamppost and bozo number one went to the right side and bozo number two went to the left side. The suspects collided in a heap and were quickly subdued by the police.

The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 0969: If you’re going to rob someplace, it’s usually a good idea to remember where you parked your getaway car. From Shawnee, Kansas comes the story of Bozos Jason McGee and Shawn Albert who held up the local McDonalds, locking the employees in a meat cooler. The employees soon got out and called the cops, who noticed one car that no one could identify in the parking lot. The cops called the owner of the car who gave a description of her boyfriend who she said had borrowed the car. On a hunch, the cops decided to check out the bar next door and sure enough there was our bozo and his accomplice, throwing back a few brewskis. And why did they head to the bar instead of driving away from the scene of the crime? According to our bozo, amid all the excitement of the holdup, they simply couldn’t find their getaway car in the large McDonalds parking lot, so they decided they would cool their heels for a while in the bar. Those heels are now being cooled in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Farmingdale, New York where bozo Jerome Walker walked into a branch of the EAB Bank. He approached a teller, one hand thrust in a coat pocket, and slid a note across the counter which read, "Give me all the money or I”ll kill myself." The teller looked at the note, looked at what was obviously his finger in his pocket and simply said, "No." The bozo looked at the teller, looked at his note, realized his mistake, shrugged his shoulders and walked out.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Peters, Missouri where bozo Reggie Johnson held up a convenience store, getting away with a small amount of cash. The bozo then jumped into his car and, wouldn’t you know it, the car just would not start. After a minute or so of trying, the bozo gave up and walked back inside and told the clerk that since his car wouldn’t start, could he just give the money back…And would someone please give him a jump start. The police soon arrived and gave him a jump start on his way to the jail.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Copenhagen, Denmark comes the story of bozo computer hacker Lars Haagen who liked to hack into personal computers to try to obtain access to bank account and credit card information. He was caught when he tried to hack into Arne Lindstrom’s computer. You see, Arne’s computer is the last one the bozo should have chosen to try to hack into. Arne is the head of the Copenhagen Police Department’s Computer Crime unit.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Redondo Beach, California. Winner not only of the Bozo of the Day award but also winner of the bad excuse of the day is Bozo John Abrams who was stopped by the police after they noticed the car he was driving had the upper half of a traffic light pole laying across its hood. Obviously the bozo had been in an accident but when the police asked Mr. Abrams why the light pole was there, the intoxicated bozo replied, "It came with the car when I bought it."

Our Bozo criminal for today is from the International File. From Ottawa, Canada comes the story of a flower shop employee who called the cops to report that herstore had been robbed by a man who smelled strongly of alcohol and acted drunk. Police decided to check out a nearby pub and, sure enough, at the bar was a bozo matching the description of the robber. When police asked him to empty his pockets, he pulled out the holdup note.

From the International File in Satka, Russia comes the story of the Russian gang that was a little too smart, or maybe too stupid, for their own good. These bozos planned to break into a warehouse and to better coordinate their criminal activities, they split into two groups, one of which was to act as a lookout while the other robbed the warehouse. To keep in touch, the two groups communicated with each other by walkie talkie. Problem was, the walkie talkies transmitted on the same frequency that was used by the local police. So, the cops were able to monitor the whole operation. The bozos were arrested before the robbery was complete.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Liesa Healy of Boston, Massachusetts who passed along today’s story via the internet. From New York City comes the story of Bozo art lover Frank Santini. It seems our bozo swiped five antique silk prints enclosed in glass from an airline lounge at Kennedy Airport in New York. The prints, owned by Alitalia Airlines, and valued at $5 million, had been on display in the airline’s first class lounge and had been taken down because the airline was moving to the other side of the terminal. Our bozo claimed he thought the airline was throwing the prints away, so he took them home to hang in his apartment. And how was he caught? When he grabbed the paintings, he dropped his dental appointment card, complete with his name and phone number.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brooklyn, New York where bozo Robert Smith broke into Stanley Seewald’s apartment. Our bozo was rummaging around the apartment when he was surprised by Mr. Seewald. After a brief struggle, the bozo escaped, taking Seewald’s cellular phone with him. A little later Seewald called the number and sure enough, the bozo answered. Thinking he had nothing to lose, Seewald asked the bozo to return the phone. Instead, the bozo offered to sell it back to him for $200. After several minutes of haggling back and forth, Seewald negotiated the price down to 80 bucks and arranged to meet the bozo to pick up his phone. Seewald then called the cops, who met the bozo at the appointed place and time and arrested him.

Bozo criminals for today come from Springfield, Illinois where Bozo husband and wife team Danny and Carrie Camper held up a bank. Their first mistake was using their own car as the getaway vehicle. You see, their car has personalized license plates so it was very easy for the witnesses to identify the vehicle for the police. Their second mistake was rather than using the interstate highway for their getaway, they decided to take a ferry across the Illinois River. Police were waiting for them on the other side.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Aldergrove, British Columbia, Canada where Bozo Charlie Cox had plans to rob a bank. Our bozo was waiting patiently in a teller line and only when he neared the teller’s window did he reach into his hip pocket to get his disguise, a nylon stocking which he pulled over his face. He then flashed a knife in front of the teller and demanded cash. Figuring they were dealing with a bozo, several of the bank’s customers tackled him as he attempted to flee and held him until police arrived. Which didn’t take long, since the bank was just a couple of doors down from the police station.

Bozo criminals for today come from Oxnard, California where four men were arrested for trying to pass counterfeit money. Our bozos, ages18-22, were on a guys night out and decided to visit a gentleman’s club for a little entertainment. To impress the girls, they were passing out the fake bills rather freely. As luck would have it, on of the dancers who received a $100 tip from the bozos works during the day as a bank teller and can spot a phony bill in her sleep. She called the cops who arrested the bozos before they even left the club.