Yearly Archives: 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sioux Falls, South Dakota where bozo Tony Faulks was arrested and charged with bank robbery. It seems our bozo was pulled over for speeding and when police asked him to get out of the car they noticed his pants looked rather strange. Kinda lumpy. The cops found $1300 in marked bills from a bank holdup stuffed in his shorts. The bozo also wins our award for Bozo Excuse of the Day. He told the cops that he didn’t trust banks and he always kept his money in his shorts. He was arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Winston-Salem, North Carolina where bozo Bobby Burnett called a cab to take him to a local bank. He had the cabbie wait for him while he went inside and pulled off a holdup, getting away with a significant amount of cash. He then had the cabbie take him back to his home. Everything seems to be going pretty smoothly for our bozo, so why was he caught? The cabbie became suspicious when the bozo handed him a $50 bill for a nine dollar fare and told him to keep the change. When the cabbie heard about the robbery later he called the cops and directed them to the bozo’s house.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Swansea, Massachusetts where bozo Robert Hughes walked into a bank and handed the teller a note demanding money. The teller looked at it and told the bozo, sorry, she just didn’t have any cash she could give to him. Our bozo, totally confused, turned very red in the face and promptly fainted. Police had to first revive him before they could arrest him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From London, England comes the story of Roger Chapman who was arrested and charged with robbing a service station. It was our bozo’s choice of disguise, or lack of, that got him in trouble. He wore a stocking over his head and nothing else. Totally naked. He said he didn’t want anyone to be able to identify him by the clothes he wore. Guess he didn’t count on a customer using his cell phone to call the cops when he saw a naked bozo with a stocking over his head walk into a gas station.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan for passing along today’s story. From Oxford, Ohio comes the story of four teenagers who were charged with criminal mischief for egging the houses of city officials. They were identified when police took a look at the surveillance camera tape from the town’s only grocery store and noticed the four kids purchasing a shopping cart full of eggs.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Detroit, Michigan where bozo Hank Collins broke into the basement of a bank by breaking a street level window and squeezing through. Unfortunately for our bozo, once he was in the basement he could find no way to get into the bank itself. Also unfortunately for the bozo the window was too high for him to climb back up and escape and besides he had cut himself rather badly on the broken glass as he had climbed through. So, what did he do? He found a phone in the basement and called 911 for help.

Bozo criminal for today picked the wrong place to hide from the cops. From the International File in Johannesburg, South Africa comes the story of Isaac Moohad who was surprised by the police as he was attempting to break into a house. Fleeing down the street, our bozo made a quick turn and ran into the local zoo, leaping over a wall and directly into the gorilla cage. He found himself face to face with Max the Gorilla, who wasn’t in the mood for visitors. Max the Gorillia tore the bozo’s jeans, bit him on the behind, grabbed his leg, swung him around and threw him against the wall, where he kept him pinned until police and zookeepers arrived.

Bozo criminal for today comes from New Rochelle, New York where bozo Lucy Amador was arrested for bank robbery. Bozo Lucy held up the Marine Midland Bank, getting away with $10,000. Police had no difficulty in tracking her down, however. Before pulling a knife on the bank manager, our bozo sat down and filled out a complete loan application, including her correct name and address.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who directed us to this story uncovered by Paul Harvey. From Charlotte, North Carolina comes the story of Bozo John Haynes who took part in an armored car robbery. He got away with a significant amount of loot, too. He was caught when he reported the stolen cash on his income tax return.

Bozo criminals for today come from Richmond, Virginia where bozos Randy Stevens and Bobby Parker went to a new home site and removed a refrigerator from one of the not yet completed homes. The bozos, after much struggling, got the refrigerator out of the house and into the back of their pickup. However, the extra weight caused the back of the pickup to sink into the mud. So, our bozos decided to drag the refrigerator back into the house and then try to get the truck out of the mud. One problem, when they returned from the house they discovered they’d locked their keys in the truck. They were trying to break into the truck when they were arrested.

Bozo criminal for today should perhaps do a little more research the next time he tries to steal a car. From Albuquerque, New Mexico comes the story of Bozo John Evans who was arrested for attempted automobile theft. He made a number of basic mistakes in his attempt at crime. He tried to steal a car in broad daylight, from the federal court parking lot, directly in front of the window of the U.S. Magistrate’s office. The judge took one look out the window, saw what was going on and called the cops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the "Lost in Love" department. From Levittown, New York comes the story of 22 year old bozo Michael Ferguson. Our bozo drove to the store where his 17 year old girlfriend worked the other evening to pick her up. When she wouldn’t leave with him, our bozo told her to stay away from the front window and proceeded to drive his car into the store. After breaking thru the window, he climbed on the hood of the car and began dancing and proclaiming his love for the woman. (Gee, how could she resist?) The cops were called and he was arrested for criminal mischief and reckless endangerment.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Centerton, Arkansas where bozo Milton Haynes came home to discover the electric company had turned off the power at his home due to non-payment of his bill. No problem, thought our bozo, I’ll just reconnect it myself. So, after downing four or five cold beers, he hauled out his aluminum ladder, leaned it up against the utility pole and attempted to re-connect the power line to the house service head, using his bear hands. According to the local power company, he was zapped with 7,620 volts of electricity and should consider himself lucky to have escaped with severe burns on his hands and wrists. When he recovers, he’ll be charged with theft and criminal trespass.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbia, Tennessee where newlywed Linda Simpson was charged with arson. It seems our bozo was upset because her new husband had fallen asleep the night before while smoking and the cigarette had burned a small hole in the bed. So our bozo decided she would show her husband a thing or two. She lit a cigarette, tossed it on the bed and walked out of the house. By the time she and her husband returned, the home was completely engulfed in flames and almost totally gutted.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike Tompkins who sent us today’s report via the internet. From Sioux City, Iowa comes the story of Bozo Larry Mulhern who walked into a funeral home and demanded to view a body that was scheduled for viewing later in the day. Even though this was an unusual request, the attendants decided to allow the bozo to pay his respects. Funeral home employees noticed that the bozo seemed to be arranging a scarf or something similar around the deceased’s neck. After the bozo left, the attendants noticed that all the jewelry had been removed from the body. The bozo was soon arrested and charged with theft, as he had signed his real name in the guest book.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lexington, Kentucky where bozo Jarrell Koonce placed a call to a local dealer and purchased some marijuana. Upon trying the pot, our bozo decided it was not up to his quality standards. So, he did what any upstanding bozo would do–he called the cops, asking them to help him get his money back. The police, not believing their luck, decided to play along, telling the bozo they would be glad to help him if he would only direct them to the dope dealer. He did, and the cops arrested them both.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Orlando, Florida where bozo Carla Hanson broke up with her boyfriend Vernon Jones. It was a nasty breakup, too, with Vernon contacting the police and accusing Carla of vandalizing his car and breaking into his apartment. Police couldn’t find any hard evidence to link Carla to the crime and she wasn’t charged. Then last week Carla appeared on a Ricki Lake show entitled "I Demand to Know Why You Dumped Me". On the show Carla gleefully described how she got even with her ex-boyfriend by breaking into his apartment, destroying his waterbed, smashing the mirrors and headlights on his car and pouring sugar in the gas tank. The audience loved it. So did the cops, who, using the tape as evidence, arrested our bozo and charged her with felony criminal mischief.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Manchester, New Hampshire where bozo Charles Finney walked up to the doors of the Fleet Bank at 8:50 AM wearing a ski mask and carrying what looked to be a gun. Our bozo was ready to rob, but he was about ten minutes too early, as the bank hadn’t yet opened. Astonished bank employees watched from inside as our hapless bozo yanked on the locked doors to no avail. Finally, he took off his mask, hopped back into his car and drove away. Alert bank workers took down the bozo’s license number and he was arrested by the cops a few minutes later. By the way, that object he was carrying that looked like a gun turned out to be an ice scraper.

Bozo criminals for today come from Andover Township, New Jersey where bozos Paul and Janet Stein were ticketed for DUI and hospitalized with minor injuries. However, they belong in the bozo hall of fame for pulling this boner… Our bozo husband and wife team had been driving around having a few beers when one of them came up with the bright idea of tossing one of those big M-80 firecrackers out of the window of their car just to see what would happen. So, they light the fuse and toss it out the back seat window. One problem. The window in the back seat was still rolled up.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Smith, Arkansas where bozo James Newton held up the Gas Well convenience store. Police had no trouble tracking down our bozo. You see, he came straight over to the store from work. And he wore his work clothes, including his hard hat…with the name of the company he works for on the side and his own name printed clearly on the front.