Our Bozo News Hawk award goes out to Wayne Cox who sent us this report via the internet. From Charleston, South Carolina comes the story of Bozo William Haynes who walked into the downtown police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was of substandard quality and demanded that the man who sold it to him be arrested immediately. Police determined that our bozo’s brain was also of substandard quality and arrested him on the spot.
The Bozo criminal for today wins the worst excuse award. From Baltimore, Maryland comes the story of Bozo Robert Scott who was arrested and charged with firing two foot long homemade bombs from his front yard, across a busy thoroughfare to a lot behind a car wash. After spending eight hours removing all the explosive material from his house, the police asked the bozo what he was doing. The bozo replied, "There’s nothing to get excited about. I’m just doing some experiments with high powered explosives."
The Bozo criminal for today comes from Detroit, Michigan where Bozo Bobby Patrick walked into a car dealership, pulled an uzi on a salesman and demanded he give him a car. The salesman handed him the keys to an ’87 Chrysler Le Baron. Later, our bozo called the dealership to complain that the car was overheating, and they told him to bring it in. He did–and found the cops waiting for him.
The Bozo criminal for today can blame all his problems on El Nino, or whatever’s causing the hot weather… From Atlanta, Georgia comes the story of bozo Howard Whiteman who decided he had had enough of the hot weather and would steal himself an air conditioner. The bozo found one he liked, a large central unit, outside a federal office building. The only tool the bozo could find was a large meat cleaver and he used it to cut through the various hoses, pipes and other lines connected to the air conditioner. He was doing just fine until he used that large metal cleaver to hack through the electrical line. YOu guessed it–the current lit him up like a Christmas tree in July. Wne police arrived, they found our dazed and slightly singed bozo lying next to the air conditioner. And to add insult to injury, the jail isn’t air conditioned.
The Bozo criminal for today fell victim to a violation of Bozo Rule Number 5698: Be sure you have the proper tools for the job. From Windsor Locke, Connecticut comes the story of Bozo Jason Ferris who tried to smuggle an overstuffed suitcase full of marijuana through baggage claim on a flight from Chicago. The stuffed suitcase broke open a couple of times, first when a baggage handler placed it on a conveyer belt leading to the baggage claim area. Cops closed the suitcase and put it back on the conveyer to see who would claim it. When our bozo walked up to claim his suitcase, it broke open again. He was still trying to stuff 16 bags of marijuana back into the suitcase when police arrested him.
The Bozo criminal for today pushed his luck a little too far. From Philadelphia, Pennsylvania comes the story of Bozo Randall Fitch who successfully held up a bank last week. Obviously, the bozo decided this bank robbing stuff was easy, so he decided to try it again. At the same bank. Wearing the same clothes. Employees recognized him the second time around and alerted a security guard who held the bozo until police arrived.
The Bozo criminal for today picked the wrong person to rob. From the International File in Bangkok, Thailand comes the story of a bozo who tried to rob a jewelry store. The bozo, carrying a knife, demanded the owner of the store hand over all his gold "or else". Unfortunately for the bozo, the owner of the jewelry store was an off duty police officer who happened to still be carrying his service revolver. The officer pulled his gun on the bozo and held him at bay while he called for back up.
The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 1005: Never get yourself into a job you’re not qualified for. From Madison, Wisconsin comes the story of Bozo Alan Haber who stole a taxi cab. He would probably have been OK if he had just been content to steal the cab… But no… he had to pretend to be a cabbie, too! Police were tipped off about the bozo cab driver by a woman who called the cops to complain that her cabbie seemed to be a very poor driver. He had no idea where he was going and at the end of the ride couldn’t operate the timer to tell her how much she owed him. Police quickly tracked down our bozo and charged him wht car theft, drunk driving, driving without a license and impersonating a cabbie.
The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Melbourne, Australia comes the story of Bozo Rod Price who needed some time off work to look for a new job and came up with what he thought was a foolproof excuse. He told everyone at work that his father had died and then he took out a notice in the newspaper to back his story up. He was caught when his very much alive father read his own death notice in the paper and called authorities.
The Bozo criminal for today comes from the Hi-Tech File. At the Comdex Computer show last year Prescient Systems set up a booth to show how their new "Gotcha" video surveillance system worked, complete with a functioning video camera. Now, if you were a bozo looking to rob a booth at this show, which booth would you choose? Of course. The first night of the convention a couple of bozo security guards tried to steal a couple of boxes of Pentium II chips from the booth. The "Gotcha" system worked perfectly and recorded the theft on digital tape. The bozo thiefs were arrested the next day.
The Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Wayne Cox who sent us this story via the internet. From Cleveland, Ohio comes the story of Bozo Larry Simpson who successfully broke into a bank after hours. Finding that all the money was safely locked in the vault, our bozo felt he just couldn’t leave without stealing something. Looking around, he spotted the bank’s video security camera. Climbing into a chair, the bozo reached up and jerked the camera off the wall. What our bozo forgot was that the camera was connected to a video recorder in the back which got a great picture of our easily identifiable bozo stealing the camera.
The Bozo criminal for today comes from right here at Bozo Criminal World Headquarters, Sunny 106.5 Radio Texas. Yesterday one of our employees stopped by our building on his way to do some yard work, leaving a hedge trimmer in the back of his pickup. While he was inside a bozo walked by and stole the hedge trimmers out of the back of the truck–in broad daylight and right in front of Bozo Criminal World Headquarters, no less. Fortunately, someone noticed the bozo stealing the trimmers and immediately came inside to report the theft. Police were called and they thought if someone was stupid enough to steal the hedge trimmers out of the back of the truck in full view of an eyewitness he would probably also be stupid enough to immediately try to pawn them. The cops checked the pawn shop and sure enough the bozo had pawned the trimmers and given his correct name and address to the pawnbroker. Police simply drove over to the bozo’s house and arrested him.
The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 3344: Be careful who you choose as your partner in crime. From Chesapeake, Virginia comes the story of Bozo Ron Rogers who had his 17 year old girlfriend wait for him outside a clothing store while he shoplifted inside. She was instructed to keep the passenger door open and the car’s engine running so they could make a quick getaway. When the bozo emerged from the store, two police officers noticed him carrying an armload of stolen goods and gave chase. Our bozo was almost to the car when his girlfriend saw the cops and panicked. She stepped on the gas and the open car door knocked our bozo to the ground, allowing the police to catch up and arrest him.
Thanks to many Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this story in a recent Ann Landers column. From Dallas, Texas comes the story of Bozo Jerome Sessions who walked into the Federal Reserve Bank at 6:30 one morning. The Federal Reserve Bank has no tellers so our bozo presented a note to an armed security guard. The note was very specific, saying, "This is a bank robbery of the Dallas Federal Reserve Bank of Dallas, Texas. Give me all the money. Thank you. Sincerely, Jerome Sessions." The guard politely took the note and pressed a silent security alarm. While they were waiting, the bozo made small talk, saying, "Well, I’m here to rob you. Is this where the money is? I tried to rob the post office but they threw me out… ". Before he could come up with anything else stupid to say, the police arrived and arrested our bozo.
The Bozo criminals for today come from Ingleside, Illinois where bozos Daniel West and Joel Hardy were doing a little firecracker fishing–an unlawful sport in which large M-250 firecrackers are lit and thrown into the lake. The resulting explosion, which has the force of a quaarter stick of dynaamite, stuns the fish which then float to the surface where they can easily be scooped up. All was going well for our bozos until a gust of wind blew their small boat atop the M-250 they’d just thrown into the water. You guessed it-the resulting explosion blew a hole in the bottom of the boat, sending it, and Mr. West, to the bottom of the lake. Mr. Hardy managed to swim ashore where he was met by the game warden.
The Bozo criminal for today did maybe a little too much long range planning. From Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania comes the story of Bozo Frank Warren who walked into a convenience store and asked the clerk what would happen if he walked in naked. The clerk told him she didn’t know and he walked back outside. She then called the cops. It took the police just about as long to get there as it did for our bozo to shed his clothes. They arrested him as he attempted to walk back into to the store nude.
The Bozo criminal for today picked the wrong time, the wrong place and the wrong item to offer up for a bribe. From Oelwin, Iowa comes the story of Bozo Roger Conner who was in jail for drunk driving. As the chief of police was walking by the his cell, the bozo made him an offer–if the chief would drop the drunk driving charges, the bozo would get the chief some really excellent marijuana. Instead of dropping the charges, the chief added charges of attempting to bribe an officer and pot possession–a subsequent search revealed our bozo had some marijuana hidden in his sock.
The Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Wayne Cox who sent us this Bozo Report via the internet. From Phoenix, Arizona comes the story of Bozo Shirley Crabtree who found a listing in the phone book for a company called "Guns For Hire." This company stages gunfights for western movies. Our bozo had quite another idea for their services. She called them and tried to hire them to have her husband shot. The Guns For Hire folks called the cops and she got 4 1/2 years in jail.
The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule number 9845: If you’re going to rob a place, try to pick somewhere that isn’t likely to be crawling with cops. Our bozo for today comes from New York City where Dennis Johnson picked the worst possible place to try to stick up…A Dunkin Donuts shop. Sure enough, in the middle of his attempt, a couple of cops stopped by to pick up a couple of cream filled and instead ended picking up a bozo.
The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule number 9845: If you’re going to rob a place, try to pick somewhere that isn’t likely to be crawling with cops. Our bozo for today comes from New York City where Dennis Johnson picked the worst possible place to try to stick up…A Dunkin Donuts shop. Sure enough, in the middle of his attempt, a couple of cops stopped by to pick up a couple of cream filled and instead ended picking up a bozo.