Yearly Archives: 1998

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan who sent us this bozo story via the internet. From Phoenix, Arizona comes the story of bozo Steve Graves who found a strange package next to an ATM machine. Upon further inspection, the bozo discovered the package contained $23,000. Being a somewhat honest bozo, Steve took the package to the bank. They thanked him and gave him a $50 reward. The bozo figured he could trade his heroism for a few minutes of fame, so he called the local newspaper and gave them an interview. Unfortunately for our bozo, one person who read the story in the paper was his ex-wife, to whom he still owed $1900 in child support. She called the cops who came around and arrested our bozo deadbeat dad.

T Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. This bozo violated the first rule of a successful thief. Once you steal something-hang on to it. Our bozo broke into the Yanmoki museum in Ito, Japan last week and stole a 600 year old Chinese platter dating from the Ming Dynasty. As he was making his getaway, a security guard spotted him and ordered him to freeze. The startled bozo then dropped his loot, shattering the platter into a thousand pieces. The value of the platter before the bozo let go of it-$385,000. Maybe as his sentence the bozo could be sent to jail with the platter and a very large tube of Elmer’s glue.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Anniston, Alabama. Bozo Carlos Perez pulled up in front of the court house in a stolen car with no license plates. As if he didn’t already look suspicious enough, he called over the first person he saw and asked where he might get a photo ID card since he didn’t have a drivers license. Remember, he was behind the wheel of a stolen car with no license platesat the time. He also made a poor choice of someone to ask. He called over Sheriff Larry Amerson, who was in full uniform at the time. He arrested the bozo on the spot.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Porsgrunn, Norway comes the story of a bozo car thief who stole a car from the front yard of its owner. The owner happened to see what was going on and as the bozo sped away, he jumped in his other car and gave chase. The bozo led the owner on a chase that lasted fifteen minutes. During that time, the owner was right on the bozo’s tail, so close that the bozo could see his enraged face in the rearview mirror. Finally the bozo decided to do the right thing. He picked up the cell phone in the car and called the police to come and arrest him, figuring he would be better off in the custody of the police than in the grips of the car’s owner.

T Bozo criminal for today comes from Topeka, Kansas where bozo Raymond Fletcher held up a convenience store. When the bozo discovered there was not much money in the register, he decided to wait on customers for a while to build up a little more loot. Yep, he put on a green vest and went to work. His plan failed when one of the clerk’s friends came in and got suspicious when he saw the rather surly looking individual behind the cash register. He called the cops who arrived while the bozo was still hard at work.

The Bozo criminal for today just didn’t know when to leave well enough alone. From England comes the story of Freddie Smyth who was arrested and charged with shoplifting. Then when he was brought in to be booked, police couldn’t believe their eyes when the bozo attempted to steal the magnetic letters off the board being held up to his face for his mug shot.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan who passed along today’s report via the internet. From Cambridge, Massachusetts comes the story of Bozo Dwaine Jones who was in jail on drug charges. Our bozo hatched an escape plot with a couple of his buddies on the outside. According to the plan, our bozo would lower a rope made of sheets and blankets out the 18th floor jail window. The friends on the ground would tie a gun to the rope and the bozo would hoist it back up to be used in his escape. Two problems: 1. A ledge a few stories down blocked the rope and prevented it from ever reaching the accomplices on the ground. 2. The plan was hatched within earshot of guards who were prepared and had the area under heavy surveillance. The two accomplices were arrested and the bozo was moved to a more secure cell.

Thanks to all the bozo news hawks who pointed out this story in Ann Landers’ column. Bozo criminal for today comes from Atlantic City, New Jersey where bozo Ron Middleton stuck a piece of paper in the lock at an office building to jam it so he could sneak back in later. Our bozo might have gotten away with his robbery scheme if it had not been for his choice of paper to stuff in the lock. He used a parking ticket with his name and address on it.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Branford, Connecticut where bozo George Foster walked into a Wal-Mart and pointed an object concealed in a paper sack at a worker and demanded money. The employee refused. The bozo then whipped his weapon out of the sack and demanded money again. Once more, the employee refused and this time called over store security who detained the bozo. Perhaps the reason the bozo had difficulty getting anyone to take him seriously was his choice of weapon. He was threatening everyone with a dustbuster.

From Benton, Illinois, comes a bozo report of police being called to a burglary scene. The citizen reported that someone had broken into the barn where his large motor home was stored and had attempted to siphon gas out of it. When the officers investigated, they noticed a large five gallon gas can sitting right by the motor home. Next to the can was a piece of siphoning hose. It also appeared that our bozo had become ill while trying to siphon the gas out of the motor home, as their was vomit at the scene. Upon further investigation, it was obvious why the bozo became ill. Being unfamiliar with this type of vehicle, the bozo had removed the gas cap, or so he thought, stuck in the hose, and began to suck on the other end of the hose to get the gas flowing. Only problem, what began flowing wasn’t gas. The bozo had not stuck the hose in the gas tank. He had stuck it in the motor home’s portable sewage container.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from San Francisco, California. Bozo Bobby Wells went into the downtown branch of the Bank of America with the intention of robbing it. He grabbed a deposit slip and wrote, "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." Then while waiting in line, he got scared and thought someone might have seen him write the note. So, he leaves and goes down the street to the Wells Fargo bank. After waiting in line there, he handed the teller the note. Seeing the spelling mistakes on the note, the teller realized she had a bozo on her hands. She told him she could not accept the note because it was on a Bank of America slip and he would either have to write a note on Wells Fargo paper or go back to the Bank of America. The bozo reluctantly said OK and left the bank. He was arrested minutes later, back in line at the Bank of America.