Yearly Archives: 1998

The Bozo criminal for today is from the International File. These bozos had a pretty good idea, they just chose the wrong time to try to pull it off. Police in Medellin, Columbia were on routine patrol when they noticed a hearse and another car moving slowly along the highway, a two car funeral procession. The cops pulled them over and noticing that the driver of the hearse seemed rather nervous, decided to check things out. Looking in the back of the hearse, the police found not a casket but instead a large crate filled with 1300 pounds of marijuana. The passengers and the driver, all dressed in funeral black, were arrested. And just what was it that aroused the cops suspicions in the first place? It was because our bozos decided to stage their fake funeral at two in the morning.

Thanks to several bozo news hawks who pointed out this story in Ann Landers’ column. From Montreal, Canada comes the story of a couple making a good living stealing high quality designer clothing and then selling it out of their house. Their troubles began when their house was robbed, with the thief getting away with several of the items of clothing that the bozos themselves had stolen. So, the bozos did just what you would expect them to do. They called the cops to report that their stolen clothing had been stolen. Whne the police arrived to investigate, the couple asked them to wait in the hall while they rushed around the house, stuffing clothing into closets. While they were racing around, the police noticed several people sitting in the living room. When questioned, they told them that they were at the house to buy clothing, which they presumed to be stolen. A search of the house turned up $75,000 in stolen clothing and a book of clients and their phone numbers. The only clothing these bozos will be dealing with for a while has black and white stripes.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan for providing us with this gem. From Hood River, Oregon, comes the story of Bozo Lee Nance who was arrested on suspicion of public indecency after police found him running around naked in a parking lot. What really won this guy his Bozo award was his excuse for being nude. He said he was working on his tan because he was on a church softball team and was afraid that if he didn’t have a good base tan he would get sunburned. He’s gonna really be disappointed when he finds out they don’t have tanning beds in jail.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Rochester, New York where bozo Sam Savine was arrested for reckless driving. It seems our bozo was somewhat intoxicated when he lost control of his car, ran off the road and crashed into a house. The car was still drivable, so the bozo slammed it into reverse and would have made a clean getaway except for one thing–he left behind the license plate of his car imbedded in the wall of the house.

Bozo Criminal for today obviously never attended the diesel driving academy. From Philadelphia comes the story of bozo Michael Stone who boarded a city bus at around five in the morning and then refused to pay his fare. An argument with the driver then ensued with the bozo eventually throwing the driver off the bus. Bozo the proceeded to drive off, but he didn’t get very far. He failed to negotiate the first curve he came to and crashed the bus into a guard rail, doing about $4 million in damage to the bus and conveniently pinning himself inside until the police could come by and free him and take him to jail.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Ceres, California where bozo Jesse Kramer, just released from jail, went right back to his old ways and burglarized a store. Must have been hard work because while committing the crime our bozo got a little hot and took off his jacket. His first mistake was leaving the jacket behind at the scene of the crime. his second mistake was leaving his jail release papers in the pocket of the jacket he left behind.

Bozo Criminal for this morning comes from Raleigh, North Carolina where Bozo Ronnie Carver held up a gas station. Bozo walks in with a pair of women’s underwear over his head, using them for a mask. During the course of the robbery, the bozo became frustrated with his disguise since it was rather difficult to see out of. So, the bozo pokes his face through one of the leg holes for a better view. When he did, the clerk recognized him as a regular customer and was able to identify him to the cops.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File. Bozo Hector Cortez of Monterrey, Mexico has been arrested for attempted extortion. His method was a little bizarre. It seems our bozo sent 30 letters to U.S. citizens threatening to kill Bill Clinton and George Bush unless he received $3000 by return mail. And he included a stamped, self addressed envelope with his real name and address on it.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Marietta, Ohio where police went to an apartment in response to a call from a senior citizen who said he’d been ripped off. When the cops got there, they were surprised an 69 year old Bozo Louis Straight’s complaint. He told the police that he’d just spent $50 bucks on a bag of marijuana and that his dealer had shorted him on his pot, selling him a bag that was only half full(kind of like his brain). Police busted him for possession.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Lexington, Kentucky where Bozo Danny Bell walked into the Federal Reserve Bank with a note that said, "Give me the money, please." When he couldn’t get a teller to serve him, the bozo handed the note, which he had signed with his real name, to a security guard. The officer read the note, politely asked the bozo to wait and then went behind the counter and pushed the silent alarm button. The bozo was still waiting patiently when the cops arrived.

T Our bozo criminal for today learned the hard way that you just can’t pull off an airline hijacking without the proper tools for the job. From the International File in Ankara, Turkey comes the story of our bozo who, while on board a flight on Turkish Cypriot Airlines, burst into the cockpit holding a hand grenade and threatening to set it off if the plane wasn’t diverted to Germany. The pilot looked up from the controls and kept on flying, having noticed that the alleged hand grenade was in fact quite obviously a cigarette lighter shaped like a hand grenade. The bozo was grabbed by the flight crew and taken into custody upon arrival in Ankara.

The One thing you learn from Bozo Criminals is that you should never try to figure out what they are thinking, because they usually aren’t thinking. Such is the case in our Bozo story for today from the International File in Prague, the Czech Republic. Our bozo is either too honest for his own good or maybe he just needs to hire a proofreader. The bozo was arrested after he tried to pass a counterfeit note at the bank. Bank employees said the fake note was of high quality but there was one glaring problem with it. At the very bottom of the note, in small but bold print were the words, "This note is fake." When they take his mug shot, they should write "This is a bozo" under the picture.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Key West, Florida where bozo Lenny Whittaker learned the hard way that you can’t always believe everything the police tell you. It seems Key West Police were called to the Ocean Key Marina early Sunday morning with a report of a prowler among the large boats docked there. Police spotted a suspicious man, our bozo, on the bridge of one of the vessels and when the bozo saw the cops he dove into the water. Thinking quickly, one of the cops, instead of yelling "Freeze" or "Halt" instead yelled, "Shark!" Taking the cop at his word, the bozo turned around and in a panic swam to shore and into the custody of the cops. By the way, there were no sharks in the area.

Bozo Criminal for this morning comes from the International File. From Berne, Switzerland comes the story of a bozo kidnapping gone terribly wrong. Seems our bozos snatched their victim off the street in Berne, threw him in the trunk of his own car and sped away. Everything would have gone along much more smoothly if the bozos had seen fit to frisk their victim before throwing him in the trunk. Then maybe he wouldn’t have been able to call the police from the cell phone which he had in his pocket.

Bozo Criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 606: Before you do the crime, be sure you have the correct weapon. From the International File in Rio de Janerio, Brazil comes the story of two bozos who stormed a city bus in an attempt to hold up the driver and his passengers. One big problem, however, was the bozos weapon of choice: hand held hair dryers. The two men pointed the hair dryers at the passengers, demanding all their money. Unfortunately for the bozos one of the passengers had a real gun and shot them both.

Bozo Criminal for this morning forgot Bozo Rule Number 127: When committing a crime, its always a good idea to try and be inconspicuous. From New York City comes Bozo Zarko Simonovich who was walking down one of the city’s busiest streets, Madison Avenue, in broad daylight, carrying a sledge hammer. Bozo walks up to the tony Ralph Lauren store, swings the sledge and breaks the window. He then proceeds to go inside and use the sledge on various display cabinets. He made so much noise that the construction crew nearby noticed and called the cops who came by and arrested him.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Long Island, New York, where Bozo Douglas Yee was driving down the Long Island Expressway when another car cut him off, or at least he felt like the guy cut him off. Our bozo was immediately overcome by road rage, chasing down the car, flashing a fake police badge at the driver and forcing him to pull over. The bozo then jumped out of his car and rushed up to the other car, again flashing his phony police badge and berating the guy for being such a lousy driver. The other gentleman calmly got out of his car and proceeded to arrest the bozo for impersonating a police officer. You see, the man he chased down and pulled over was actually an off duty New York City detective.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Carbon County, Pennsylvania, where a group of bozos were drinking beer and discharging firearms from the rear deck of Bozo Irving Michaels’ home. The men were firing at a racoon that had the misfortune to be walking by. But the beer apparently impaired their aim and despite the estimated 35 shots fired at the poor creature, he escaped into a 3 foot drainage pipe a few feet away. Determined to terminate the animal, our bozo retreived a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the racoon out. Bozo threw a match in. Nothing. So he poured some more gas down the pipe, threw in another match and still no flames. Finally the bozo poured the whole 5 gallon can of gasoline down the drainage pipe, then proceeded to slide feet first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled our bozo back the way he had come, flying out of the pipe not unlike someone shot out of a cannon at the circus. The bozo landed with a thud in his front yard, miraculously suffering only minor injuries. No word on the whereabouts of the racoon.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from the Sometimes They Never Learn file. From Rochester, New York comes the story of Bozo Willie Lang who was released from prison after serving ten years for robbing a bank. On his first day out of prison what did he do? He went out and robbed another bank. Obviously he didn’t hone his bank robbing skills while in prison. He’s been arrested and sent back to jail.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Welland, Ontario, Canada where Bozo Joseph Albright discovered three bags of marijuana missing from his locker at the St. Catherine’s bus terminal. Now, if you are a bozo and your marijuana turns up missing, what do you do? File a missing property claim with the police, of course. To add to the bozo’s problems, the police had seized his stash after drug sniffing dogs turned up the pot during a routine sweep of the area. When the bozo turned in his missing property report, he was immediately arrested.