Monthly Archives: September 1998

The Bozo criminals for today come from Lawrence, Kansas where two college students from the University of Kansas got a little bored and headed down to a local restaurant. Once there, they took off all their clothes except for veils over their faces. They then pranced thru the restaurant naked, placed a piece of candy corn on each table and pranced out. Unfortunately for our naked bozos, they parked their getaway car right in front of the restaurant, enabling the manager to jot down their license number before they sped away. Police caught up with them a few blocks away.

The Bozo criminals for today come from Danville, Illinois where police were called to a possible robbery in progress at a local garage. When police arrived they noticed a suspicious vehicle outside the business with three bozos inside. Police approaced the vehicle and asked the bozos to step out of the car. When the door was opened, hundreds of gum balls started falling out from inside the car. Police checked and sure enough a gumball machine had been reported stolen earlier in the day from a local business. Our hapless bozos were arrested and charged with gumball machine theft.

The Bozo criminal for today wins our all time Bozo Gross Out Award. From Miami, Florida comes the story of Bozo James Jacobs who was arrested for drunk driving and taken down to the police station to take a breathalyzer test. The bozo asked to go to the restroom before taking the test. When he did not come out of the restroom, the police went in and found our bozo ill on the floor with blue foam oozing out of his mouth. Thinking it would work like a super strength breath mint, the bozo had put the urinal sanitation disc in his mouth, hoping to cover up the alcohol on his breath. He was charged with DUI anyway, as a result of a blood test taken after he was sent to the hospital.

The Bozo criminal for today was caught in the act… not once but twice. From the International File in Berne, Switzerland comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was captured speeding by one of those new camera systems that automatically photographs traffic violators. The bozo obviously knew he was going over the speed limit as after he passed the high tech gizmo, he turned his car around and drove right up to the device. Our bozo then got some tools out of the trunk and was busily trying to dismantle it when the cops drove by and noticed what was happening. He was charged with speeding and attempted robbery.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Charles Gallo who passed along todays report. From Port Jefferson, New York comes the story of Bozo Jason Tiner who was wanted by the cops on a minor traffic violation. When the cops stopped by to serve the warrant on the traffic offense, they happened to notice our bozo’s lovely backyard garden. Nestled among the strawberries and tomatoes were 22 large marijuana plants. He’s now also been charged with possession.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Granite City, Illinois where Bozo James Lang walked into the Magna Bank and cashed a payroll check for $12.19. After getting his money, he flashed a gun and demanded more cash. He got away with about $4500 in cash. He didn’t get very far, though. You remember that payroll check he cashed? He left it behind along with his ID.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ron Lustek who passed along today’s bozo criminal report via the internet. From Tuscon, Arizona comes the story of Bozos Carlos Lopez and Benito Herrera who walked up to the Bank of America branch without noticing a marked sheriff’s department car out front. Determined to rob the bank, the bozos headed to the front door just as the two uniformed officers were walking out. One of the officers even held the door for our two bozos to enter. This would be enough to deter an ordinary robber, but not our bozos. They walked on up to the teller, handed her a holdup note and quickly ran out the door with their cash. They were calmly walking to their car when the bank manager ran out, noticed the officers still out front and pointed out the robbers. The bozos were arrested before they could even get to their vehicle.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Oakland, California where Bozo Rob Hamilton was pulled over for a minor traffic violation. The officer found the bozo was using a suspended license and called for a tow truck to impound the car. Following police procedure, the officer searched the car. In the glove compartment, the cop found a note which read, "This is a robbery. Give me the stacks of 50s and 60s." The note was matched to one used in an earlier bank robbery and our bozo was arrested.

Today the Bozo Criminal Report is proud to present our Bozo Excuse of the Month. Thanks to Alfred McBride of Longview, Texas who passed along this story. It seems Bozo Charles Johnson was pulled over by the highway patrol for speeding and driving erratically. After talking to the bozo for a minute, it became obvious to the officer that the man was intoxicated. The policeman then asked our bozo why he was drinking. The bozo replied, "I was celebrating getting off on the marijuana charge." He didn’t get off so easy on this one.

The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 8422: When committing a crime, it’s not usually a good idea to carry along your ID. From Salt Lake City, Utah comes the story of bozo Harry Phelan who walked into a restaurant, asked for a glass of water and then grabbed a handful of cash from the register while the waitress was getting it. A couple of other waiters saw what was going on and tried to block the doorway as the bozo attempted his getaway. The bozo was able to flee but in the struggle his wallet fell out of his pants. That wallet contained the bozo’s drivers license, passport and business cards.

The Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Charles Gallo of New York City who passed along this Bozo Report via the internet. From Rochester, New York comes the story of Bozo Byron Shaw who strolled into the Marine Midland Bank and handed a note to the teller demanding cash. He got away with $1200 but didn’t hang on to it very long. You see, our bozo had just left court on a criminal mischief charge. He wrote his hold up note on the back of a letter he had received from his lawyer.

The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 9043: If you’re going to steal a vehicle, try to steal one that does not draw a lot of attention to you. From the International File in Setermoen, Norway comes the story of an unidentified bozo who stole a military vehicle and took it on a joyride around town. Our bozo, who prepared for the ride by dressing in an army sergeant’s uniform, broke into the local army base in the middle of the night and drove off. He didn’t get very far, however. You see the vehicle he stole was not one you normally encounter on the highway, even in Norway. Our bozo drove away in a 40 foot long 25 ton rocket launcher. He was arrested when he got his new toy stuck while attempting a U-turn.

The Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Alfred McBride who passed along today’s Bozo Criminal Report via the internet. From Stamford, Connecticut comes the story of Bozo Alexander Owens who applied for a job on the local police force. He would probably have gotten the job, too, except for one thing. Our bozo was a wanted fugitive from Nevada. Police discovered this little problem when they collected his fingerprints as part of his job application. He got a job, all right. Making license plates.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerue, New Mexico where Bozo Richard Farrell walked up to a woman at an ATM machine. He demanded her money, pointing to a bulge under his shirt and saying he would shoot her if she didn’t comply. Terrified, the woman handed over the cash. The bozo then ordered her into the car, but she told him that’s why she was at the ATM machine in the first place–her car was out of gas and she had no money on her. By now the woman was crying hysterically and the bozo decided to take pity on her. He handed her the money back and said, "No hard feelings?" He then walked away. He didn’t get very far, though. The woman called the cops from her cell phone and they found and arrested the bozo in a nearby bar.

The Bozo criminals for today come from the International File. From New Delhi, India comes the story of a bozo counterfeiting ring that was printing up and attempting to sell one million dollar bills. Bozos were caught when potential buyers became suspicious because (1) the million dollar bills were being sold at a very steep discount; (2) they felt the need to offer them with a "certificate of authenticity" and (3) the bills had Bill Clinton’s picture on the front.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Montreal, Quebec comes the story of bozo Hank Miller who was attempting to steal a little gasoline from a van by siphoning from the gas tank. After filling his gas can, the bozo stuck his finger in the van’s gas tank opening to free the siphon hose and ended up getting it stuck. Stuck tight. The bozo’s accomplices, after being unable to free his finger, panicked and called 911. Police came by and they were also unable to free the bozo’s finger. So, they sawed off part of the fuel tank line and took it and the bozo to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Scott Froese who passed along this report via the internet. From the International File in Ashkelon, Israel comes the story of an unidentified 22 year old bozo who had good intentions but went about things in the wrong way. Our bozo entered a store in the Israeli town wearing extremely baggy trousers. The security guards stopped him when they noticed our bozo heading toward the door and "walking very strangely". The bozo had attempted to shoplift 32 bottles of deodorant which he had stuffed into his pants. And why did he need 32 bottles of deodorant? His answer, "I wanted to send some gifts to my family in the old country."

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Sgt. Bob Tortora of the Golden, Colorado Police Department who passes along this bozo report. It seems a couple of bozos decided to break into the Banks Insurance Company in Golden and proceeded to move out the company’s computer equipment, about $30,000 worth. This was hot and sweaty work so one of the bozos took a break and removed his jacket. While he was resting, his bozo partner decided to make a long distance call to his ex-wife in New Jersey. The bozos then left, thinking they had made a clean getaway. Wrong. Bozo number one was arrested the following day. He had left behind his jacket with his pay stub in the front pocket. Bozo number two’s troubles began a few days later after the company received a phone bill with a call to New Jersey at 2:45 in the morning. Police contacted the ex-wife who co-operated and told them where they could find bozo number two.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this story from veteran Bozo News Hawk Ann Landers. From Memphis, Tennessee comes the story of Bozo Freddie Cowan who burglarized a flower shop, getting away with about 40 dollars. The bozo then returned home and called Crimestoppers, confessing to the crime and asking when he could come by and pick up his $1000 reward. He was picked up all right and awarded with a trip to jail.