Yearly Archives: 1997

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Milwaukee, Wisconsin where bozo James Hoffman broke into the home of an elderly couple, thinking they would be easy victims. The bozo was unaware of bozo rule #6: Don’t mess with Granny. When the 34 year old bozo demanded money from his victim, a 72 year old woman, she whacked him upside the head with a coffee mug, knocking him to the ground. As the bozo was trying to regain his senses, her 77 year old husband pulled out his trusty pocket knife and held the bozo at bay until police arrived.

Bozo criminal for today violated bozo rule #206: Don’t rob a store while your parents are watching. 21 year old bozo David Ash did not see his parents Frankie and Carolyn parked in front of the Speed Mart store in Northport Alaska when he pulled up. The bozo even brushed past his father without looking up as he went into the store. His parents then watched in amazement as the bozo went behind the counter and held up the cashier. He then ran outside, jumped into his truck and sped off. His parents waited for the police to arrive and then identified their son as the robber. The problems for the bozo were just beginning, however. His car broke down during the getaway and he called his parents for help. They called police and told them where they could find the bozo.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Oslo, Norway comes the story of a bozo criminal who broke into a home, stole a couple of TVs, a VCR and some stereo equipment before realizing that he was on foot and had no way to get the stuff home. So, he did what any bozo criminal would do in such a predicament. He called a cab. He then stacked all the stuff out on the curb and waited for the cab to arrive. The suspicious cabbie took the bozo home and then called the cops who came right over and arrested our bozo thief.

Bozo criminal for today is William Howard, who was wanted in the state of Maryland on assault charges. He skipped bail, and fled to Texas. In the small Texas town of Brookshire, our bozo ran out of gas. Now, if you were a bozo who was on the run from the law and you ran out of gas in a strange town, what would you do? Right–you walk into the police station and aske the officers if they would like to help a man who was down on his luck and out of gas. The cops asked his name and ran it thru their computer. Of course, the bozos name came up with the outstanding warrants and he was promptly arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Boise, Idaho, where Harlan Collinsworth called the police to his house to report a number of things that had been stolen in a break-in. The bozo told police the the thieves had taken a VCR, a bong and a marijuana pipe–but, he pointed out proudly, the thieves had missed a film canister full of marijuana. The cops asked the bozo to show them the canister full of dope and when he did, the police arrested the bozo for drug possession.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Boise, Idaho, where Harlan Collinsworth called the police to his house to report a number of things that had been stolen in a break-in. The bozo told police the thieves had taken a VCR, a bong and a marijuana pipe– but, he pointed out proudly, the thieves had missed a film canister full of marijuana. The cops asked the bozo to show them the canister full of dope and when he did, the police arrested the bozo for drug possession.

Bozo criminal for this morning comes from Charlotte, North Carolina where bozo Frank Epstein holds up a 7-11 wearing an Elvis mask. Bozo gets his money, spins around to leave and in so doing, twists the mask around on his face, obscuring his vision. Bozo has up a full head of steam and runs directly into the door frame, knocking himself out. "The King" bozo was just coming to when police arrived.

Bozo News Hawk award goes out today to Larry Kent of Tyler, Texas, who found this bozo story on the Associated Press wire and passed it on to us. From Mesa, Arizona come bozos John Largo,16, and Lee Burner, 17, who went to the local Wal-Mart and purchased a couple of strobe lights, red and blue in color. The bozos thought it would be fun to place the lights on top of their car and see if they could fool any other motorists into pulling over, thinking them to be police. Sure enough, the first car they tried the trick on pulled over. One problem–they pulled over an off duty police officer who arrested them for impersonating an officer and reckless driving.

Bozo criminals for this morning come from Larch Barrens, Maryland where police interrupted a robbery in progress at a local grocery store. The bozos had broken in and were hard at work trying to get into the safe when police arrived. It would have been a long time before the bozos got into the safe with the tool they were using. They had stolen a lazer tag gun from a local amusement center and, thinking the gun was an actual laser, they were shining the light on the safe, waiting for the laser to cut through the metal and open the safe.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Phoenix, Arizona where bozo Gene Bueley attempted to hold up a bank. The robbery was thwarted by an alert security guard. In the ensuing scuffle, the bozo’s gun went off, wounding the bozo in the thigh. Bozo was convicted of attempted robbery and sent to jail. That’s the criminal part of the story. Now, for the bozo part. While in jail, the bozo decided to sue the bank, saying the bank was neglient for failing to stop him from bringing a gun into the bank in the first place.

Bozo criminal fot today comes from Palmdale, California, where bozo Demetrious Jeffries shoplifted a few items from a Wal-Mart and fled the store with a security guard in hot pursuit. Bozo fled into a trailer park where he came upon a woman walking her dog. Thinking he could use the woman as a hostage to help in his getaway, the bozo tried to overpower the woman. Bad idea. Not only did her dog sink his teeth into the bozo’s leg, she conked him over the head with her pooper scooper. Needless to say, the bozo was more than ready to surrender when police arrived.

Bozo criminals for this morning are a husband and wife team–from Conroe, Texas come bozos Michael and Lisa Morrison. These bozos held up a convenience store and got away with a small amount of cash. Police had no trouble tracking the bozos down. It seems in their haste to make their getaway, Bozo Lisa left her purse on the counter.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jacksonville, Florida where bozo Alonzo Moore, wearing a ski mask and brandishing a pistol held up a grocery store, taking a couple of employees hostage and demanding that the store manager open the safe. The manager said that he didn’t have the combination to the safe, so the bozo settled instead for taking everyone’s wallet. Bozo then decided that his getaway would be easier if he tied everyone up. So, he laid his gun down on the floor and went about the task of wrapping everyone’s hands and feet with black tape. While the bozo was busy fooling with the tape, the store manager picked up the gun and held it on the bozo while the other employees called police. A violation of Bozo Rule #456: never put down the gun.

Bozo criminal for this morning comes from Des Moines, Iowa where police responded to a 911 call in which the caller did not say a word and quickly hung up the phone. Fearing something was amiss, the dispatcher traced the call. It turned out that our bozo, 49 year old Jerry Bentley had inadvertently dialed 911 while he was wiping a spilled beer off the phone. Upon arriving at the bozo’s house, police ran a routine check and found the bozo was wanted on outstanding warrants for drug possession and failure to appear in court.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania where bozo Joseph Gilbert stole a credit card and promptly went down to the local stereo store and charged $2700 worth of equipment. Bozo got his equipment and was out of the store before the clerk realized that he had used a stolen credit card. Police had no problem tracking the bozo down, however. It seems the bozo purchased extended warranties along with the stereo and put his real name and address on the warranty registrations.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Peters, Missouri where bozo Paul Snider held up a 7-11 and got away with 100 bucks in cash. Well, he didn’t quite get away. He got his money and headed for his car, which wouldn’t start. Panicking, he came back into the store and gave the money back, telling the clerk that the robbery was just a joke. He then asked if the clerk could give him a jump start. Clerk said no, but maybe those nice policemen that were driving into the parking lot could help.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Yekaterinberg, Russia comes the story of Boris Slodnik, a Russian soldier who held up a liquor store. The bozo got away with a small amount of cash and a fifth of vodka. He was apprehended soon after leaving the scene of the crime. It seems his getaway vehicle was rather easy to spot. He had driven to the liquor store in a military tank he had stolen from the base.

Bozo criminal for today is a double bozo–not only is he a bozo because he committed a crime–he’s really a bozo because he hired a true bozo as his attorney. Bozo Phillip Heatherton was on trial for armed robbery. For reasons known only to his bozo attorney, during closing arguments, the attorney picked up the .357 magnum handgun used during the robbery and pointed it at the jury. The jury responded by not only finding the bozo guilty of armed robbery but also by filing a civil action against the attorney for needlessly frightening them.

Bozo criminal for this morning comes from the celebrity file. Rick Danko is the leader of the legendary rock group, The Band. Rick was convicted last week in Japan of smuggling heroin into the country. Danko was arrested after the police found over a gram of heroin in a package sent to him from the United States. What qualifies Mr. Danko as a bozo is his excuse for receiving the heroin in the mail. He said he called his wife and asked her to send him his cold medicine and instead she got confused and sent him the heroin instead. Next time better stick to Nyquil.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Strasbourg, France comes the story of 23 year old Jacque Rogeau who was arrested for reckless driving. The strange part of the story is that our bozo is totally blind. When arrested, he was behind the wheel of the car while his girlfriend shouted instructions to him from the passenger seat. He wound up running the car into a lamppost. He told police that before losing his sight, he had dreamed of becoming a race car driver and had to take the car for one last spin.