Author: dave

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Steve Webb for sending in today’s report from the International File in Newsome, West Yorkshire, England. Apparently bozo Emmanuel Jones was in the dark during an attempted burglary. So, he pulled out his iPhone and turned on the “Flashlight” app to light his way. Or at least he thought he had turned on the flashlight. Unfortunately, what he actually turned on was the phone’s video recorder, which recorded the whole break-in. The police discovered the video on his phone when our bozo was taken in for questioning on suspicion of other burglaries. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from New York City, where 27 year-old bozo Trevor Foster had just robbed a man in Central Park and was fleeing when 79 year-old James Moore, who “runs obsessively” in the park spotted him and gave chase. He was gaining on our bozo when he noticed him drop a piece of paper. And not just any piece of paper, either. This once was a court document with his name and address on it. Oops. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report. From Bradenton, Florida, comes the story of two bozos who broke into a house in an upscale neighborhood. They then loaded their car with a number of items and left the scene. Or at least they attempted to leave. Officers investigating the crime were surprised to see our bozos drive back by the house a few minutes later with the stolen items in plain view. It seems they got lost in the neighborhood while attempting to make their getaway and ended up driving around in circles, finally returning by accident to the scene of the crime. They’re busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the County Jail in Santa Fe, New Mexico, where bozo Frank Herrera was due to be released. On his way out, he snatched $80 in cash that belonged to another inmate who was being booked into jail. And, knowing that he had been caught on security cameras, he quickly fled the scene, right? Wrong. Instead he headed directly to a lunch counter where he used the cash to buy himself a meal. After finishing his lunch, he walked to the jail’s electronic monitoring office and turned over the money he had left over. He’s back in jail, facing a larceny charge.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Syracuse, New York, where bozo Arthur Brown walked into the Alliance Bank and handed the teller a note demanding $20,000 in cash. After initially refusing his demand, the teller left for a moment and returned, handing our bozo an undisclosed amount of cash. He then left the bank and apparently went to a secure location to count his money. When he discovered it was significantly less than the $20,000 he had asked for, he returned to the bank to demand the rest of his cash. Apparently he didn’t notice the bank was full of police officers who had arrived to investigate the theft. He’s busted!

Our bozo criminal for today may not even be a bozo. In fact, he may not even be human. Police in Lykens, Pennsylvania, were called to a motor home where the owner was complaining that his home had been damaged by a rock-throwing vandal. The man went on to explain that he felt the culprit was in fact Bigfoot. He said he was a member of the Lykens Valley Sasquatch Hunters and was “pretty sure” that it was indeed Bigfoot that had hurled stones his 1973 Dodge Winnebago. Could be trouble for our hairy suspect. The County District Attorney has announced plans to prosecute the Sasquatch if he is captured by authorities.

Bozo criminals for today come from Naperville, Illinois, where two unidentified teenage bozos were riding around in their car when they decided they wanted to smoke some pot. So, they went to a nice secluded area, right? Wrong. They simply pulled over on a residential street and lit up. Unfortunately for them, the owner of the home they parked in front of just happened to drive up at that same time. And even more unfortunately for them the homeowner happened to be the local police chief. They’re busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from the International File in Perth, Australia. It seems our unidentified bozo attempted to shoplift a laptop from a local Toys R Us store, slipping it under his coat and heading for the exit. He was spotted by store employees who were yelling for someone to stop him as he ran out the door. Unfortunately for him there were several someones at the entrance of the store who were more than qualified to bring him to a halt. The Australian Special Air Service troops (kind of an Aussie version of Navy Seals) were outside conducting a toys for tots collection. When they attempted to stop him, our bozo pulled a knife on the troupers. Bad idea. He was arrested, but not before being treated for two broken arms, a broken leg, broken ribs, multiple contusions, a broken nose and jaw and several lacerations. But don’t blame the SAS troops. The news report says our bozo suffered those injuries when he “tripped” trying to elude the troupers.

Bozo criminals for today come from East Naples, Florida, where police were called to a report of a burglary in progress at a residence. When they arrived, there was no one at the home, but the cops spotted a car with license plates matching the number a neighbor had reported seeing at the residence. The passengers in the car denied any knowledge of the burglary and were placed in the back of the patrol car while the cops searched their vehicle. Unfortunately for them, they chose this time to discuss details of the burglary. Even more unfortunately for them, they also chose to light up a marijuana cigarette while in the back of the cruiser. And even more unfortunately, a police camera recorded the whole thing. They’re busted!

Over the years, the Bozo Criminal Report has had plenty of examples of 911 abuse, but today’s story literally takes the cake. From Palm Bay, Florida, comes the story of bozo Christine Baker who called 911 six times, but not to report an emergency. Each time she called she said she wanted to be connected directly to the sheriff so she could thank him personally for the delicious bologna sandwich she was served during her recent incarceration at the county jail. Even though her intentions may have been good, she was still placed under arrest for misuse of 911.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s “politically incorrect” report. Police in West Des Moines, Iowa were called to a P.F. Chang’s restaurant after a report of a disturbance. When they arrived they found bozo Carol Harper ranting about how President Obama had “ruined this country” and singing the praises of Mitt Romney. When she noticed the cops, she told them they didn’t need to be there because she’s a Republican. Guess she didn’t realize the police are non-partisan. She’s been charged with public intoxication.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jacksonville, Florida, where bozo Ronald Richards was arrested after he returned an item to the local CVS pharmacy. Authorities say our bozo purchased several CVS Ready to Use Enemas and, after using them, resealed the containers and attempted to return them to get his money back. Yuk. He’s been charged with felony product tampering.

Our bozo report for today from Orem, Utah, doesn’t actually involve any criminal activity, but we couldn’t resist. A homeowner called the cops after he received a call on his cell phone from his home phone. He said no one said anything, but he could hear banging and scratching sounds on the line and he thought there might be a burglar inside. Police arrived and took a look around, but couldn’t find anything missing or broken. When the man returned home, he did some investigating for himself and quickly discovered the culprit. Apparently his dog had grabbed the phone receiver and had hit the redial button while burying it in the backyard. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Northern Cambria, Pennsylvania, where bozo Jeffery McIntyre planned to rob a bank. And he succeeded. But he also succeeded in getting himself arrested. He handed the teller a note demanding $1 in cash. After the teller confirmed he wasn’t joking, she handed over the buck. Our bozo then thanked her and said he would just wait for the police. Don’t know if he had a hankering for that delicious jail food or maybe it’s just those comfy prison beds, but he got his wish.

Bozo criminal for today comes from New Castle, Delaware, where police were called to the scene of an accident on I-295. The driver, who suffered only minor injuries, admitted to smoking marijuana dipped in PCP and offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told the cops he hit the guardrail when he swerved to “avoid an elephant in the road.” He’s been charged with DUI.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike McPherson for sending in today’s report from Memphis, Tennessee, where police couldn’t believe what they saw. The cops spotted a red pickup truck driving down the highway with the hand lettered words “Meth Lab” written in what appeared to be white shoe polish on the rear window. And since the truck had an expired license plate, they decided to pull him over to check things out. It turns out he wasn’t kidding. The truck actually had chemicals for making methamphetamine inside. He’s busted!

Our bozo for today comes from New Orleans, Louisiana, where a city attorney,who shall remain nameless, was in court and talking to a police officer when something fell from his pocket. Before he could scramble to pick it up, the item in question was identified as a marijuana cigarette. Oops. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today from St. Petersburg, Florida, proves once again that honesty is not necessarily the best policy if you’re a bozo. Police received a 911 call from our bozo who was outside a Wells Fargo bank and said he needed help. When the officers arrived, they discovered the help he was asking for was rather unusual. He told the cops that he was planning to rob the bank to get money for drugs, but didn’t really want to. While talking to the officers, he also admitted that he had robbed two banks previously. The officers helped him… by placing him under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Tega Cay, South Carolina, where a group of teenage bozos broke into a home while the family was on vacation and threw a big party. Apparently the kids came back the next day and thoroughly cleaned the house. And they did such a good job, the homeowners didn’t notice anything amiss when they returned home. So, how did they end up in the bozo report? It seems at least one of them posted pictures of the party on his Facebook page. And the homeowner was looking at the pictures when he recognized his house. Oops. They’re busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Indianapolis, Indiana, where police were called to a report of an assault. When they arrived, they found a man with a bruise on his face and a cut on his hand. He said his girlfriend attacked him with a fan and then cut him with a steak knife. His crime? She said he had been cheating at dominoes. She’s been charged with felony battery, domestic battery and criminal recklessness.