Author: dave

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Stephen Stewart for sending in today’s report from Boaz, Alabama, featuring our Bozo Award for Persistence. Bozo Matthew Tucker was involved in an accident and was taken by ambulance to a nearby hospital. Our bozo obviously had no interest in sticking around the emergency room, as, after having been there a short time, he persuaded the staff to let him go outside for a cigarette. Once outside, he hopped into an idling ambulance and sped away. He didn’t speed very far before running off the road and getting the ambulance stuck. Not one to give up, he headed to a nearby barn where he tried to saddle a couple of horses. Failing in this attempt, he stole an SUV that was parked nearby and promptly crashed it. He then found a second SUV to steal and managed to use it to drive himself home. The next morning, still suffering from the effects of the initial car crash, he drove the stolen SUV back to the emergency room for treatment. Bad idea. The staff recognized him and he was promptly placed under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Burbank, California, where bozo Jorge Garcia had an oil change business. But, oil ain’t cheap, and with no price reductions on the horizon, he took matters into his own hands. He walked into the local Costco, armed with a bunch of bungee cords, and proceeded to use them to strap quarts of oil to his body. 24 quarts in all. As you might expect, it was a little tough for him to walk and he did attract a little attention to himself as he headed for the exit. Store employees gave chase and nine quarts of oil fell off as he was running. The police joined in and captured him a few blocks away. As he was lying on the ground, our bozo kept complaining that he couldn’t breathe due to the weight of the remaining quarts of oil pressing down on his body. The oil was unstrapped and he was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Burgettstown, Pennsylvania, where bozo Timothy Wilson was placed under arrest on an assault charge. The cops were processing our bozo when somehow he got out of his handcuffs, kicked the door off his holding cell and ran away. As you might imagine, such strenuous activity can cause a bozo to work up quite a thirst, so he headed straight to the nearest bar. Once inside, be began bragging about breaking out of jail and asked for a beer. He probably should have picked up a six pack at 7-Eleven, as the cops tracked him down and arrested him before he was able to finish his brewski.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lincoln, Nebraska, where police were called to a residence after a report of a robbery. And, when they arrived, they were a bit surprised at what was reported as stolen. Two hookah pipes. While questioning the victims, the officers noticed marijuana, paraphernalia and several bottles of fertilizer lying around. And there was one other thing that was unusual. A bright light shining from under a door barred with a padlock with an extension cord snaking into the room. Yep, it was a marijuana “grow” room. They’re busted.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from DeLeon Springs, Florida, where bozo Jose Sanchez walked into the local Wells Fargo bank, headed straight for the manager’s office and said he was the boss of the bank and wanted “stacks of cash.” The fact that he was wearing sweats and headphones did not help his credibility. When the manager turned him down, he started banging on teller’s windows, again demanding money. Teller #1 asked for a debit or check card; teller #2 asked for his drivers license, which caused him to reply, “I don’t need it. I’m the boss.” He’s now the boss at the local jail as he’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lake City, Florida, where a group of 14 women were having a jewelry party at a residence when they were interrupted by our gun-toting bozo. He demanded they hand over their money and cell phones and threatened them with what appeared to be a water pistol. One of the women decided the best defense in this situation was to call on a higher power and shouted, “In the name of Jesus, get out of my house now!”. The other women joined in and soon they were all shouting, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.” Quickly seeing that he was outnumbered, our bozo ran out the door as fast as he could go. Armed with a good description from 14 witnesses, the cops made a quick arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike McPherson for sending in today’s report from Knoxville, Tennessee. Our unidentified bozo walked into a Dollar General store wearing a dark hoodie and a “wrestling mask” and asked a customer where a clerk was. He was directed to the the store manager who was stocking shelves. He then ordered the manager to open the safe, but the manager declined. Our bozo then repeated his request and added that he had a knife. The unflappable manager said, “Well, I have a bigger one,” and placed his hand in his pocket. Thinking this might not be the best day for a robbery, our bozo turned tail and fled.

Bozo criminal for today showed a persistance that the Post Office from days gone by would be envious of. A bozo lady of the evening from Salem, Oregon, received a request for her services through phone and text messages. And even though the potential client was 50 miles away, she headed out. And even though the location for the tryst was the Salem Police Department, she continued on. And even though she walked past several uniformed officers and numerous “Police Department” signs she continued on before arriving at her destination…an unmarked door. And, when she tried to contact her client…she was busted, the apparently unwitting victim of a very obvious police department sting.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike Sheffield for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Juan de Acosta, Colombia, comes the story of three bozos who were planning a heist from a local store. First they needed a getaway vehicle, so they stole a 10-year-old donkey to serve as their pack mule. But, unfortunately for them, they did not ask the donkey if he wanted to be an accomplice, as we shall soon see. Our bozos led the donkey to the shop and had him wait outside while they broke in and stole rum, oil, rice, cans of tuna and sardines. When they began to load their loot on to the back of the donkey he began to let out a series of “hee-haws” in protest. The loud protestations continued until local cops came to investigate the ruckus. Our bozos were placed under arrest. Our hero the donkey was safely returned to his owner, but not before being detained by the cops for 12 hours. Guess it took that long for him to give a statement.

Bozo criminals for today come from Springfield, Massachusetts, where three masked men, one of them armed with a handgun, burst into a Chines restaurant and demanded cash. The clerk quickly fled to the back of the restaurant, leaving our bozos alone in front of the cash register. Perfect, right? Well, not exactly. Try as they might, none of our bozos could figure out how to open the contraption to get access to the cash inside. After several frustrating minutes, our bozos finally gave up and left empty handed. Guess this was one Chinese place that wasn’t “take out.”

It’s not even Valentine’s Day yet but it would appear the thoughts of at least one bozo have already turned to romance. From Manatee, Florida, comes the story of bozo James Franks who is accused of shoplifting $80 worth of beer, wine and steaks from a Walmart store. When questioned by the cops, he gave them the bozo excuse of the week. He told the police he needed the items “to impress a lady.” While all the world may love a lover, the cops apparently didn’t agree. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report from Portland, Oregon. Bozo Andrew Barker walked into a bank and handed the teller a note demanding cash. After getting $2000 our bozo made a hasty exit and headed straight for…nope, not his getaway car. Instead he headed to the bar across the street where he sat down at a bank of video poker machines and began playing two of them at once. Bank employees called the cops and when the police arrived our bozo was so engrossed in his poker playing that he had to be asked several times to stop what he was doing and place his hands on his head. When he instead reached for something in his pocket he was tased and placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today from Slidell, Louisiana, made a number of crucial errors in his attempt at a career as a thief. Mistake number one: He chose as his victim a restaurant where he was formerly employed and was known. Mistake number two: He forgot that the restaurant had security cameras. Mistake number three: He failed to bring along a mask. Mistake number four: After being caught on said security cameras, he chose to use a bucket for a disguise. Too little too late. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report form Bradenton, Florida, where bozo Charles Adams was well known around town for pulling pranks on people while taking video footage, which he would later post on YouTube. His latest prank apparently went too far. He went to a local movie theatre where he is accused of giving wedgies to strangers while recording their reactions. The problem? One of his victims didn’t see the humor in his stunt and decided to press charges. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, where bozo Christopher Cook thought he had come up with the perfect crime. He would pose as a fire inspector and visit offices around the city allegedly to look for violations. While making his rounds, he would grab various items and simply walk out with them. At the Art Institue of Philadelphia he managed to swipe two laptops by concealing them under his coat, and only after he had left were the items were noticed as missing. So, what did he do to get caught, and, more importantly, qualify himself as a bozo? Before entering the office, he was required to sign in at the front desk. And, of course he signed in using his real name. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tallahassee, Florida, where bozo Lance Thompson walked into a convenience store armed with his weapon of choice, a cattle prod. He threatened the clerk with it and demanded cash. The clerk then reached under the counter and pulled his weapon of choice, a handgun. The clerk’s weapon won. Our bozo quickly saw the error of his ways and attempted to flee the scene. But as you might expect, a bozo carrying a cattle prod is pretty easy for the cops to spot. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Vichy, Missouri, where police officers were helping a stranded motorist when bozo David Ward pulled up next to them, revved the engine in his car and asked the cops if they wanted to race. Needless to say, this was not a good idea. He peeled out with the cops in hot pursuit and a chase ensued at speeds of up to 90 miles per hour before he was hemmed in and placed him under arrest. He’s been charged with DUI, resisting arrest, theft, and probation violations. Guess he won’t be pursuing a career in NASCAR any time soon.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Windham, New Hampshire, where bozo Jonathan Walker got sleepy after an evening of drinking. And, not wanting to be a threat to himself or anyone else, he pulled over to sleep it off. It was where he pulled over that caused all the problems. In the Windham Police Department parking lot. Officers noticed the car parked in a restricted area with the motor running and upon further investigation found our bozo passed out in the front seat. He’s been charged with DUI.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Astoria, Oregon, where bozo Jacob Caldwell sideswiped a car after an evening of drinking. There were no witnesses and our bozo fled the scene. But he just couldn’t keep his mouth shut. After he returned home, he posted on his Facebook page, “Drivin drunk…classic 😉 but to whoever’s vehicle I hit I am sorry.” His heart may have been in the right place for apologizing but that didn’t stop the cops from tracking him down and arresting him after one of the officers noticed the Facebook posting. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pontiac, Michigan where our unidentified bozo headed to his neighborhood McDonalds to pick up a meal. When he pulled up to the drive-thru window, a worker thought he looked awfully familiar. She was certain he was the same guy who had robbed the place there a couple of months back. She gave him his food and got a description of his car and the license number before calling the cops. Turns out she has a really good memory. Cops arrested him a few blocks away from the restaurant.