Author: dave

Bozo criminal for today comes from Eastlake, Ohio, where police were called to a report of a disturbance at a tobacco store and even the cops were surprised by what they found. Inside the store was our highly intoxicated bozo who was carrying on a rather one-sided discussion with a bag of tobacco. Witnesses said before he began talking to the tobacco he had tried to engage a bottle of vodka in a discussion. Drunken bozo was taken to jail, where, a few minutes after his arrival, he professed his love for the urinal. He’s been charged with disorderly conduct and intoxication.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Clackamas County, Oregon. An emergency dispatcher received a 911 call, and, hearing what sounded like a drug deal in progress, sent cops to an alley about a block away from the police department. The cops arrived and found two people sitting in a car, but they both denied having a working cell phone. However, when the cop loudly asked the question again the dispatcher confirmed she could hear the conversation. Yep, they had butt dialed 911. After a quick check of the car turned up methamphetamine our bozos were busted.

Bozo criminal for today comes from New York, City, where police were called to a report of a kidnapping. They found Bozo Raymond Poe between two cars on a street in Brooklyn, his hands, legs and mouth covered with duct tape. He was also complaining of pain in his ribs. He told the cops he had been kidnapped by two men in a blue minivan on February 19th, and was held captive for two weeks. Upon further questioning, however, his story began to unravel and he finally confessed to the cops that he had made up the whole story because he had been avoiding his girlfriend for a couple of weeks and was terrified of facing her. He’s now facing charges for filing a false report.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lauderdale Lakes, Florida, where bozo Nathaniel Lucas, wearing a skullcap and carrying a crowbar, burst into an apartment. The quick thinking homeowner sprayed our bozo in the face with some Windex he had nearby, causing our bozo to drop his crowbar and flee, losing his cap in the process. Now, the logical thing for a thief to do would be to go home and lay low for a while, right? Wrong. The bozo thing to do is to try to cover your tracks by calling 911 to report that your crowbar and skullcap had been stolen. The cops weren’t believing this story for a minute. Our bozo quickly saw the error of his ways and confessed. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from San Diego, Califorina, where a couple of bozos broke into the local Hooters restaurant. They then tried to back their pick up truck through the glass front doors and into the building. Quickly discovering that the truck wouldn’t fit, they went to Plan B. Our bozos headed inside, attached a chain to the ATM machine and towed it outside where they loaded it onto their truck and sped away. A pretty good plan, right? Wrong. What they thought was and ATM machine was actually a jukebox. Oops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Davenport, Iowa, where 325 pound, five foot eleven bozo Jose Perez broke into a lingerie store. And, no, it wasn’t to steal something for his girlfriend. This trip was purely personal. He grabbed several lacy items and then went into the manager’s office, stripped naked and tried them on. He was obviously enjoying himself, spending two hours wandering around the store, trying on various items and playing with “toys.” Unfortunately, one other thing was obvious on the video surveillance camera. The tattoo of his name on his back in big, bold letters. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Duluth, Georgia, where bozo Joseph Tucker went shopping at the local True Value Hardware store. After finding what he was looking for, he didn’t head for the check out lane. Instead, he headed to the aisle where the bungee cords were kept, grabbing a couple of them. He then stuffed the item down his pants, using the bungee cords to help hold it in place. Needless to say, this is not the most inconspicuous way to attempt to shoplift something. And not the safest, either. Did we mention the item he stuffed down his pants was a nail gun? Security officers captured him before he could get away and before he could do any damage to himself.

While there are no criminal charges pending, our story for today from Brockton, Massachusetts certainly features a Bozo In Training. A ten-year-old boy, who shall remain nameless, was upset that his mother had ordered him to go to bed at 8PM. So instead of doing any of the things that kids ordinarily do to protest, he took this one to the next level. He dialed 911. Even though he lost his nerve and hung up without saying anything, officers showed up at his home to investigate. After receiving a stern warning from the cops, Junior was sent to bed. No charges were filed, but he is officially grounded for two weeks.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report form Augusta Maine. Bozo Marlon Clark, who had previously been convicted on arson charges and was ordered to repay more than $126,000 in restitution, turned to the most lucrative business he could think of to raise cash…marijuana farming. Worried that someone would find his farm and steal his crop, he decided to move it to a secure area. Unfortunately, the area he chose was inside a fenced-in portion of the Augusta State Airport. Yep, he was growing pot inside the airport. Not surprisingly, someone noticed his suspicious activity and reported it to the cops. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today proves once again that there is nothing more annoying to most folks than an overaggressive salesperson. Police in Portsmouth, New Hampshire were called to a senior living facility after reports of an altercation. And, no, the fight did not involve employees. It was the seniors who were upset. Apparently the regularly scheduled bingo game was interrupted by a disagreement that quickly got physical, with pushing and shoving going on and one woman ending up with scratches on her arm. And what caused the ruckus? Apparently one of the residents kept interrupting the game by trying to sell the players Avon products. The investigation continues.

Our bozo story today doesn’t involve criminals but instead comes from the Bozo Internal Affairs Department. From Memphis, Tennessee, comes the story of a big Ohio State Buckeye fan who was passing through the area when she was pulled over by the cops. And the cops acted like they meant business, too, getting out of their vehicle with body armor on and guns pulled. One of them then asked her what she was doing with a marijuana sticker on her bumper. Initially stumped, she eventually realized the “marijuana leaf” on her bumper was actually the Ohio State symbol, a buckeye leaf. After doing some checking, the cops discovered she was correct, and, embarrassed, sent her on her way.

Bozo criminals for today come from Chalmette, Louisiana, where bozos Robert Cain and Jaime Sowell burglarized a bar, getting away with several cartons of cigarettes. Police officers who were investigating found something unusual that our bozos left behind. An apartment key. Yep, they left behind the key to their own apartment. Officers were able to develop information that pointed to our bozos as suspects and when the key fit the lock to their apartment, they were busted!

There are no real bozos or criminals involved here, but there was no way we could let this story pass by without taking note. Residents of Union County, Illinois noticed something strange going on in the woods. They reported a man carrying numerous buckets and plastic tubing into the forest. The authorities put two and two together and came up with the only possible solution…there was a meth lab being built in the woods! A drug enforcement swat team sprang into action and raided the place, guns drawn, demanding to be taken to the site of the lab. The homeowners took them into the woods to show them the setup…tubes coming out of trees with an amber fluid flowing into big plastic buckets. Not meth, but maple syrup. The officers left with a sample of the syrup and a standing invitation to come by for pancakes anytime.

Not exactly a loving couple for this Valentine’s Day…Our bozos for today come from Clinton, Connecticut. The lovebirds were traveling in a car with their 8-year-old in the back seat when they started arguing. The argument quickly escalated into something physical, with both parties striking each other in the head in front of the child. Unable to settle the disagreement between themselves, bozo husband decided to drive to the nearest police station to let the cops straighten it out. Bad idea. He was charged with DUI and they both were charged with violating domestic violence statutes for physically fighting in front of a child. They’re under arrest. The child is safe with family friends.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lauderdale-By-The-Sea, Florida, where bozo Stephen Miller thought he had a good thing going. He would visit local bars, and, while they were distracted, would go through women’s purses, snatching the wallets. Everything was going well until Saturday night, when a woman noticed what he was doing and scared him off. Somehow, in all the confusion, he managed to leave his own wallet behind, complete with photo ID. That, plus the fact that he was caught on the bar’s video surveillance cameras led to a quick arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sidney, Ohio where bozo Douglas West was in the process of robbing a home when he accidentally pocket dialed 911. Police officers arrived at the scene and found a window forced open. They were checking the inside of the house when our bozo’s phone betrayed him again. The low battery alert sound went off, giving away his hiding place inside a bathroom. He’s under arrest.

There’s no Bozo involved in today’s report, but we just couldn’t let this one pass by without taking note. Police officers were called to a Carol Stream, Illinois medical facility after a report of a robbery. One of the officers taking a look around had his gun yanked out of his hand. Not by any bozo criminal but by the strong magnet in the office’s MRI machine. Fortunately, the gun did not go off and no one was injured. The cops had to call the manufacturer of the MRI equipment for advice on how to remove the gun from the machine.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Sabadell, Spain, where bozo Juan Cortez stole a wallet. He ran into trouble when he tried to use the credit card and was unable to guess the PIN number. After a number of tries, he found himself locked out of the system, so he did what any bozo would do, he called the wallet’s owner to ask for the PIN. He attempted to pose as a VISA customer service representative, but his ruse failed and he was placed under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Brooksville, Florida. Bozo Timothy Cain was spotted driving erratically, swerving and sideswiping various things as he drove. He was where and what he was driving that made him eligible for the Bozo Hall of Fame. He was driving a motorized shopping cart at the local Walmart. Store employees said he took an alcoholic beverage off the shelf, popped the top and went for a little joyride, knocking over various displays as he drove through the store. He’s been charged with disorderly intoxication and theft.

Bozo criminals for today from Manchester, New Hampshire, violated Bozo Rule Number 99765: Before pulling off a robbery, it might be a good idea to check the building permits. Our bozos walked into a convenience store, threatened the clerk with a knife and demanded cash. They did get their money, they just didn’t get very far. You see, the Manchester Police Department has just moved into its new building. Directly across the street from the convenience store. They’re under arrest.