Author: dave

Bozo criminal for today comes from Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin, where our bozo had a plan to do a smash and grab at the local Kay Jewelry store. He parks right up front and casually strolls in, pulls a brick out of the pocket of his baggy shorts and goes to work on the display case. He slams the brick into the glass but it doesn’t shatter. So he hits it again. Still no luck. Now the employees are running to the front of the store to stop him so he picks up the pace. Slam! Fail. Slam! Fail. He hits the case nine times with the brick and still it doesn’t give way. Finally an employee chases him out of the building and he jumps into his car and drives away. She got the license plate and the video camera got a good picture of him. Cops expect to make an arrest soon.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Culver City, California, where the cops received a report of a robbery in progress at the local Boost Mobile store. When they arrived, employees told them our bozo had entered the store, wearing a hoodie, sweatpants, and a surgical mask and gloves, and threatened them with a gun. He forced them to lie down and he jumped over the counter and grabbed $500 in cash before fleeing on foot. Seems like a clean getaway…except…what’s that over there on the floor? A set of car keys. Yep, he’d lost the keys when he jumped over the counter. Apparently he hadn’t locked his car as the cops found the vehicle nearby and inside they found the hoodie and mask he’d been wearing, along with the gun and his drivers license. Our bozo was found nearby and was placed under arrest. And did we mention he was on parole from another robbery and was wearing an ankle monitor? That’s at least three strikes. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Coffee City, Texas, where the cops were called to a report of an accident at the local Dollar General store. They found a wrecked Nissan pickup that had crashed into two other vehicles and had barely missed a rack of propane tanks. And just who was driving said vehicle? Well it wasn’t hard to find him. Even though he appeared to be uninjured, the stress had caused him to poop himself and the cops simply followed the trail of feces leading from the vehicle. An empty bottle of Wild Turkey and two empty Budweiser cans were found inside the vehicle. Since this was his third DUI, he’s facing felony charges.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where our entrepreneurial bozo was looking for a way to make a quick buck during this tough economy. So, he set himself up on a downtown street and began selling hot dogs to passersby. Good plan? Well, not exactly. It seems he was in violation of a city ordinance against street vendors. When the cops ordered him to shut the place down, he hurled a fully loaded dog at one of the officers, who took a direct hit from the projectile. Bad idea. Busted! Charged with battery on a law enforcement officer, a felony. He was also charged with resisting, a misdemeanor, for allegedly struggling with cops as they sought to place him under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Orange County, Florida, where the cops were called to Disney World’s Swan Reserve Hotel on a report of a man acting suspiciously. Upon arrival, they found our bozo wandering around the lobby pushing a cart containing a replica of R2-D2 and wearing a Disney nametag with the name “David” on it. He told the cops he was a Disney employee but when he was unable to find the employee locker rooms, he was left wandering around the Boardwalk area. OK…well let’s check that ID then…No such employee was found in Disney records. Time to change the story. He then told the cops he had been stealing items to “show the weakness of security at the resorts.” Maybe he’s right about that part. A search of his house turned up other items pilfered from Disney, including light fixtures and a towel cabinet. He can explain it all to the judge. Busted! Charged with grand theft, scheme to defraud, burglary of a structure, tampering with a coin-operated machine and obstruction by false information.

Bozo criminals for today come from Allen Park, Michigan, which, like much of the country, has been experiencing hot temperatures. A couple of bozos went shopping at the local big box store and loaded three air conditioners into their cart. They then headed for the self checkout, where the man grabbed a Reece’s, scanned it and paid for it. They then exited the store without paying for the AC units, which they loaded into their car, making what would seem to be a clean getaway. Except for one small detail. The woman left her purse at the self checkout area. Oops. Inside the purse…her ID and a crack pipe. Busted! Charged with theft and possession of drug paraphernalia.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Montgomery County, Pennsylvania. Police responded to numerous 911 calls reporting a half naked woman walking in the middle of the road about 25 miles from Philadelphia. Sure enough, the reports were correct. Bozo Gloria Hayes, 35, was found walking beside the road naked from the waist down. The cops quickly took her into custody and it was then that she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told the police that snakes had eaten her pants. Well, that’s a new one. She’s busted! Charged with indecent exposure, disorderly conduct and indecent exposure.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where two neighbors were involved in a dispute over a chicken. It seems that the chicken had been strolling over to poop on the neighbor’s patio. After asking the neighbor politely to control his chicken, the owner of the befouled patio decided to retaliate. She collected a large bucket of her own urine and doused the bird’s owner with it. This crappy version of an eye for an eye didn’t sit well with the man and he called the cops. After noting that he was wet and smelled of urine, the police arrested our pee thrower, charged with misdemeanor battery. No word on how long she had been storing up the pee for the attack.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Adams for sending in today’s report from Osage Beach, Missouri. Cops were called to a report of a break-in at a residence. They arrived to find that the homeowner had things well in hand. Our bozo was sitting on the porch, covered in blood, with the homeowner pointing a gun at him. However, before he was collared, he broke numerous chairs, windows, 2 TV’s, several tables and a few lamps, resulting in around $25,000 in damage in total. So, what would cause someone to break into a home and do such damage? Well, get ready for the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops he wanted to “play a real life video game.” Cops say alcohol and drugs may have also been involved. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Volusia County, Florida, where the cops received a report of a stolen Jet Ski. A bit of investigation led them to our bozo, who was found floating on what seemed to be a dead Jet Ski. He explained to the cops that he had been unable to get it started and it had stayed on board as it floated down the river. And why didn’t he simply jump off when he couldn’t get it going? He doesn’t know how to swim. Yep, only a Bozo who couldn’t swim would try to steal a Jet Ski. The cops tossed him a rope and pulled him on board their boat before charging him with grand theft and trespassing.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Tampa, Florida. Cops were called to a report of a collision between an SUV and a FedEx truck. The police checked out the occupants of the SUV and found a man and a woman, both naked. It didn’t take long to put together what had happened. Apparently the woman was performing a sexual act on the man, who was driving and lost control, crashing into the FedEx truck. Charges are pending. In the meantime the man has been hospitalized with what was described as “injuries to the groin.” Ouch!

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a prowler at the Red Mesa Cantina. When they arrived at 2:15 AM, they found our bozo relaxing inside a fenced area near the outdoor bar “With his pants open and his genitals exposed.” He was ready with the Bozo Excuse of the Week, explaining that he was “doing a chant and cleansing himself spiritually.” His next cleansing will come when he’s hosed down at the jail He’s charged with loitering and prowling. Add that to his priors for trespassing, obstructing police and possession of an open container of alcohol.

Sometimes our bozos just make it too easy for the cops, as was the case in today’s story from Belfast, Maine. Police were called to the Admiral Ocean Inn on a report of a disturbance caused by a drunken man. Upon arrival, the cops initially found nothing out of the ordinary. Then one of the cops noticed a chair in front of one of the rooms that was covered by a blanket. But it didn’t appear to be an ordinary chair. It was bigger and taller than it should have been. Yep, our bozo thought he had found the perfect hiding place. He sat in the chair and covered himself with the blanket. Someone pointed out that it sounded like an episode of Scooby-Doo. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Okanogan, Washington, where state troopers couldn’t believe what they saw. From the front, it looked just like an ordinary U-Haul truck. From behind, well let’s just say the guy took an unusual approach to hauling his car. Our bozo had crammed a SUV into the back of the truck. Well, almost. The rear wheels were hanging out and the whole thing was secured by one packing strap. After checking things out it was determined that our bozo didn’t have a valid drivers license and the truck was overdue for return. Busted! And charged with failure to secure a load.

We’re sure our bozo had a motive for this crime but we’re left scratching our heads on this one from Port Arthur, Texas. Home surveillance video caught our bozo taking a lawnmower from the garage. He then went back to retrieve a large gas can, which he used to fuel the mower. He then fled, right? Nope. What do you do with a fully fueled lawnmower? You mow the yard, of course! The video even shows him stopping to move a broken picket fence post so he could take care of that spot. And did we mention he did the back yard, too? The homeowner must not have been satisfied with his work as he called the cops to report what was going on. Our bozo fled, initially taking the mower with him before ditching it in an nearby alley. Cops are asking for help in finding our rogue lawn care specialist.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Bexley, England. The cops spotted our 21-year-old bozo driving recklessly. After he refused their orders to pull over, a 35 mile chase ensued, with a police helicopter called in to aid in the pursuit. The chase only ended when his car ran out of gas. Cops found a large stash of marijuana in the car. He sealed his fate when they asked for his drivers license. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a “Legoland Drivers License”, given to him as a toddler 19 years ago. Sorry, that’s not an official license. Busted! Charged with suspicion of dangerous driving, failing to stop, possession of a class B drug, driving with no insurance and driving with no license,

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brighton, Michigan, where our unidentified Bozo pedaled his bike down to the local convenience store. He strolled in, pulled a knife, and demanded cash from the clerk. He was given an unknown amount and made his getaway. Well, not exactly. While he was nowhere to be seen when the cops arrived, a K-9 officer picked up the scent and tracked our bozo to a nearby parking lot where he surrendered and admitted the crime.

As we have all learned by now, Bozos and modern technology just don’t mix. And we have another example today from Portland, Maine. The cops didn’t have to go far to investigate this one as our bozo drove her car through the police department’s garage and through the pedestrian plaza before setting stuck when she tried to drive down a flight of stairs. And her bozo excuse? She was just following her GPS’ instructions. Yeah, and your over the limit blood alcohol level also probably had something to do with it. She’s busted! Charged with DUI.

Bozo criminal for today comes from West Frankfort, Illinois, where bozo Danielle Smith found a nice dress and some jewelry at a local boutique. Unfortunately, she was a little short of cash, so she did what any bozo in need of a new outfit would do…she shoplifted it. So far, so good. But when she got home, she really liked the way she looked in that dress. Really, really liked the way she looked. So she posted a selfie of herself wearing the dress and jewelry on her Facebook page. Bad idea. The word got back to the boutique owner and he alerted the cops. Busted! Charged with theft under $500 and failure to appear in court for an unrelated pre-existing warrant.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ted Williamson for sending in this story which proves that even “sophisticated” drug smugglers can be bozos. It seems that everything that could possibly go wrong did go wrong for this pair, beginning with when they boarded the yacht “Zero” in Madagascar. While in port, Bozo number one used his phone to take pictures of some whales swimming nearby. About an hour later, the same phone apparently “butt recorded” a conversation of our two bozos taking possession of drugs from another vessel. Oops. But that would only be a problem if they got caught, and here’s how that happened. The yacht was shipwrecked on a reef, which led to our bozos loading their drugs on a lifeboat and making their way to a nearby island. A fisherman found the yacht and the police organized a search party. The cops spotted on man “in a colorful shirt” pop up from behind some bushes and, as they approached, two men attempted to flee. And, as fate would have it, they encountered a giant seal who jumped up and bellowed at them. Thinking their odds were better with the cops than with the seal, our bozos surrendered. And did we mention that the drug dealers had dispatched another boat to rescue our stranded bozos? It ran aground also. In total, 380 kilograms of cocaine, close to 345 kilograms of MDMA or ecstasy and 171.2 kilograms of methylamphetamine were seized. Our hapless bozos and their associates face a maximum sentence of life in prison.