Author: dave

Bozo criminal for today comes from Orange County, Florida, where bozo Anthony Gonzalez was praying in the sanctuary of a church near Disney World when he noticed the church had a gift shop. The temptation was just too much for him and he went inside, grabbed the cash drawer and ran toward the courtyard. The church’s maintenance director noticed what was going on and gave pursuit. And that’s when things started to go terribly wrong. Our bozo was wearing extremely baggy pants, and, as he ran, his pants headed south, forcing him to stop and try to pull up his pants with one hand while holding the cash drawer in the other. This was the opening the maintenance man had been waiting for. He ran up and pulled our bozo’s pants all the way down, which caused him to trip and fall. He jumped on him and held him down until the cops arrived. Busted!

While the Bozo Criminal Report certainly does not recommend this response to your typical Bozo Thief, we certainly stand in awe of his efforts. From Marionville, Missouri comes the story of an unidentified bozo who walked into a liquor store smoking a cigarette. The man behind the counter told our bozo that smoking was not allowed inside. Our bozo responded by walking up to the clerk, looking him straight in the eyes and saying, “Give me all your >bleeping< money." Bad idea. The guy behind the counter was a military veteran with four tours in Iraq and a previous job as a corrections officer. Surveillance video shows our bozo raising his pistol only to have his hand slapped down by the clerk, who then pulled a pistol of his own which he stuck into the mouth of our would-be thief. The clerk then said, "You need to get the >bleep< out of here before I blow your >bleeping< head off." Thinking better of his robbery plan, our bozo backed away and ran out the door. Armed with the video, police expect to make an arrest soon.

Bozo criminal for today from Auburn, New Hampshire was just trying to help his fellow man. Unfortunately, what he was trying to help them do was illegal. It seems bozo Kyle Alexander had set up a marijuana growing operation at his home. And, since things were going so well, he decided to share his recipe for success by detailing it all on You Tube. He posted videos showing how to grow it, how to set it up, what chemicals to use and where to get the seeds. Very helpful. Also helpful for the cops, who also check out what’s going on on You Tube. He’s busted!

We have doublechecked our Bozo Files and confirmed that we have a first for today. Our first ever confirmed bathtub theft. Or, more accurately, an attempted bathtub theft. Bozo Cedric Jones broke into a residence, and after looking around for something to steal, finally settled on the bathtub. As you might imagine, this isn’t the most portable item in the house, and, after a good deal of struggling, he finally got it into the garage. Unfortunately for him, the activity in the house attracted the attention of the neighbors and the cops were waiting for him as he attempted to drag the tub from the garage. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Syracuse, New York, where bozo Robin Grier robbed a bank and was on the run from the cops when he took refuge in an apartment building. Our bozo made his way the the 21st floor, but it seemed the cops were still hot on his trail. He then spotted what looked like the perfect escape route…the garbage chute. Unfortunately he didn’t take into account that the chute from the 21st floor was a nonstop trip straight to the basement. After a quick trip down he landed on a huge pile of garbage, which cushioned his fall. Police say he’ll be charged with robbery once he’s released from the hospital.

Bozo criminals for today come from Pensacola, Florida, where our two bozos were awaiting trial in a local courtroom on charges of home invasion and armed robbery when one of the deputies noticed something strange going on. Our two bozos were passing a note back and forth between each other. The deputy intercepted the note and couldn’t believe what it was about. The two bozos were “getting their stories straight” on what to say to the judge. Bad idea. After the note was confiscated, our bozos chose a smarter plan of action. They plead guilty to all charges.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bellingham, Washington, where police arrested bozo David Johnson for his misguided attempts at being a modern day Robin Hood. It seems our bozo pulled his pickup truck up to the south side of the county jail and got out carrying his hunting bow and arrow. He took careful aim toward a mesh screen on the second floor outdoor exercise area for inmates. He should have spent more time at target practice, as the arrow missed its target and landed on the roof. When officers retrieved the arrow, they discovered the reason for our bozos ill-fated attempt. He had wrapped a baggie of marijuana around the arrow and was apparently trying to send a care package to an inmate. An eyewittness got our bozo’s license plate number and when the cops paid him a visit he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told the officers he had been aiming at a squirrel. Lacking a good explanation for why the squirrel would need a baggie of pot, he was placed under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Christian O’Brien for sending in today’s report from Syracuse, New York. It seems our bozos for today violated Bozo Rule Number 23114: Keeping up with the daily news is always a good idea. The two juvenile bozos mugged a man on the street, stealing his iPod and headphones. They then made what they thought was a clean getaway, heading toward nearby Henninger High School on foot. Which would have been OK, except for one small detail. President Obama was scheduled to speak there in four hours. Not surprisingly, the area was crawling with cops who were alerted to be on the lookout for our bozos. They’re under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dave Benoit for sending in today’s report from Worcester, Massachusetts. Our bozo’s first mistake was going for a ride in his pickup after imbibing a few adult beverages. Mistake number two was thinking that at 1:18 am it would be OK to run a red light. Mistake number three was being unable to avoid an accident with another car at the intersection, which led to big mistake number four. Our bozo was traveling about 50 MPH when he ran the red light and lost control when swerving to avoid another car at the intersection. His truck slid on its side for about 100 feet before the big no-no happened. He crashed into the other vehicle, with his truck ending up on top of the second car. And this other vehicle just happened to be…a police cruiser. Fortunately, no one was injured in the melee but our bozo was charged with DUI,reckless endangerment,running a red light and speeding.

Bozo criminal for today comes from DeLeon Springs, Florida, where bozo Raymond Carter took a large load of copper to a local scrap yard and, as he was trying to sell it, asked workers there if stealing and selling copper was a misdemeanor or felony. Workers got his name and address and when our bozo left the cops were contacted. After doing some investigating the cops found that our bozo’s employer, an electrical business, was missing 1,911 pounds of copper. Oops. He’s been arrested on charges of dealing in stolen property.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Huntington Beach, California, where police posted a picture of a number of suspected vandals on their Facebook page. Bozo Luis Ramiero took a look at the picture of himself and liked it. He then shared the image on his own Facebook page. And before long, his friends were commenting on the picture, saying they recognized him. Oops. The cops were knocking on his door shortly thereafter. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report from Williston, North Dakota. It seems 19-year-old Caleb Stone repeatedly rammed his vehicle into the doors of a motorcycle shop in an unsuccessful attempt to break in. A witness called the cops, which led to a brief chase, ending with our bozo abandoning the car and fleeing on foot. Initially it looked like our bozo had made a clean getaway, but, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to head down to the police department the next morning to report the vehicle as stolen. He’s been charged with attempted burglary, criminal mischief, fleeing or attempting to elude police, filing a false report to law enforcement and carrying a concealed weapon in a vehicle.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report from Thibodeaux, Louisiana. Our bozo for today, Eric Walker, had a powerful hunger for some crawfish, so he headed down to the local grocery and grabbed a bag. Using the old five fingered discount, he ran from the store without paying and jumped into his car. Unfortunately, the parking lot was full and it was a long run to the car. And it would seem that our bozo may have been eating too many crawfish, among other goodies, as he was so winded from the brief run that he could not blow into the drunk driving preventing ignition interlock device to start his vehicle. His delay in getting the getaway vehicle started enabled workers to take pictures and get his license plate number which they gave to the cops after our bozo finally worked up enough wind to drive away. In one final act of bozodom, when the cops confronted him, he claimed that he had been at work until 4:30 and could not have stolen the mud bugs. The cops politely pointed out that it was not yet 4:30. He’s busted.

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom seen Bozo Rule Number 7766453: Always use good parking techniques. From Rotterdam, New York, comes the story of bozo Matthew Brown who backed his vehicle into a parking space at a truck stop. And he did an exceptionally bad job, too, straddling the line and taking up two parking spaces. Did he try to correct his error? Nope, he just left it parked crookedly and walked away. As luck would have it, a state police investigator was watching the whole thing and he thought he recognized our bozo from a previous arrest. After running the plates, it was revealed that our bozo was wanted on numerous outstanding warrants. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 188876: It’s always a good idea to make sure your license plate is secure. From Mansfield, New Jersey, comes the story of bozo Robert Sloan who liked to do donuts and burnouts on the local roads. Apparently his car had a lot of horsepower, enough horsepower that he slung off his license plate during one of his donuts. Cops picked up the plate at the scene of the burnouts and our bozo’s buns were burned.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bayonne, New Jersey, where bozo Paul Sayers made a quick right turn in traffic, cutting off another driver who had to swerve into the left hand lane to avoid an accident. The guy in the other car honked at our bozo and when the two vehicles ended up side by side at a red light, our bozo rolled down his window and shouted that he was “an off-duty police officer and I’ll >bleep< you up!" Not a good idea, especially when they guy you're threatening actually is an off-duty police officer. The cop alerted dispatch and followed our bozo until backup arrived. He's been charged with impersonating a police officer and reckless driving.

Bozo criminals for today come from Chicago, Illinois, where two bozos, one armed with a squirt gun, entered a restaurant and demanded cash. The owner politely told them that they had come at the restaurant’s busiest time and if they could please come back later when it was less hectic. Since they only lived about a block from the place, our bozos decided to do as he said. When they returned, the cops were waiting for them. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today from Quilcene, Washington, has the distinction of having one of the most unusual names ever, Ulysses Corwin Nevermissashot. Bozo Nevermissashot allegedly robbed a bank teller at gunpoint, getting away with an undisclosed amount of cash. As he fled on foot, witnesses noticed him throw away a cigarette, which the police retrieved, which contained his DNA. But he wasn’t through dropping evidence. He also tossed a black plastic bag which contained the fingerprints of his roommate, who confirmed to the cops that she was missing a box of black plastic bags. Mr. Nevermissashot is presently under arrest.

Our Bozo for today from the inappropriately named city of Niceville, Florida, doesn’t qualify as a criminal, but her excuse to the cops certainly qualifies her for Bozo status.  Police were called to a residence after a neighbor overhead a woman screaming death threats at her husband.  Upon investigation, the officers learned the argument arose when the husband refused to get off the phone to spend time with his family.  The woman said she did threaten to kill her husband but she was only “kidding.”  It was her further explanation that landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame.  She told the cops they had been married 71 years and it was her “right” to kill him after being married so long.  The cops chose not to argue with her logic and no charges were filed.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Syktyvkar, Russia, where our bozo for today came up with a rather unusual item to steal. A road. Yep, he decided to steal 82 segments of reinforced concrete that made up a roadway just outside the city. So, how to you steal a roadway? In this case, you use heavy machinery to load it onto three large trucks. And then there’s the matter of getting it home. Our bozo convoy had just pulled onto the highway when they were spotted by the cops. Uh, do you have a permit for hauling a roadway? No? Busted!