Author: dave

Bozo criminal for today comes from Clarendon, Virginia, where bozo Charles Harper was booked into jail. But Charles isn’t the bozo here. Instead, it’s his wife, Mary, who showed up at the jail for a little visit. Which would have been OK, except she showed up at the jail naked and drunk. When the officers told her to put clothes on or get in a cab and go home, she refused. Bad idea. She’s been charged with indecent exposure and being drunk in public. And, no, she didn’t get to see her husband.

There is no criminal activity involved in today’s story, and it’s even questionable whether there are any bozos involved, but it’s a story we just couldn’t pass up. Tree removal workers in Norridgewock, Maine, called the cops to report that a man armed with a gun had threatened them and ordered them to get off his property. The workers said the shirtless man, with a gun tucked into the waistband of his pajama bottoms, had come out of his house and yelled at them to leave. The cops, armed with assault rifles and talking through megaphones, approached the house and knocked on the door of the residence. They were greeted by a shirtless man with a gun tucked into his pajama bottoms. Except the “gun” was a tattoo of a weapon strategically placed as waist level so it looked like a real gun was tucked into his pants. Oops. No harm, no foul. Cops told him to go back to bed.

Bozo criminal for today from Newington, Connecticut proves that some people will do just about anything to get a banana. Store surveillance footage shows our bozo drive his Ford Freestyle up to the front door of a convenience store and repeatedly ram the doors until he was able to crash through. He then got out, picked up a single banana, ate it, and drove away. Police say nothing else was taken. They’re looking for a car with damage to the rear bumper and a driver with bananas on his breath.

Today we check the to-do list of bozo Te’Mon Martin from Hamilton, New Jersey. 1. Get up early, brush teeth, take shower. 2. Find something to wear to scheduled court appearance. 3. After getting dressed, grab other things you might need…keys, ID, $400 in cash, 43 bags of heroin. Well, maybe he should have re-thought at least part of number 3. After arriving at court, officers discovered his contraband and he was placed under arrest.

Our bozo criminal for today proves once again that honesty is not the best policy if you’re a bozo. From Fort Pierce, Florida, comes the story of bozo Alberto Martinez who was pulled over by the cops for speeding. When the cop asked him why he was going so fast, our bozo replied that he was “on his was to kill his friend for screwing him over”. Sorry, but that’s not on the list of acceptable excuses. And he added to his problems when he fell out of the truck when asked to step out to perform a field sobriety test. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Houston, Texas. Our bozo walked up to a man in a Cadillac and tried to shake him down for money. To emphasize he was serious, he lit a molotov cocktail and then proceeded to stand over it while continuing to demand cash. Not a good idea, as the cocktail soon burst into flames, sending our bozo scurrying away. Based on information given to them by the vicitm, cops hope to arrest our singed bozo soon.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bay City, Michigan, where bozo Jules Boyd pulled off a series of bank robberies after threatening the tellers with an imposing automatic weapon. It was what he did after the successful robberies that got him busted. Apparently he was so proud of his big gun that he just couldn’t resist posting a selfie of himself with the weapon on his Facebook page. He also mentioned that he had purchased the gun recently in the area. Bad idea. Cops looking at the picture realized the weapon matched a description of the one used in a bank robbery in Bay City the previous day. Oops. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Paris, France, where two bozos followed the manager of a jewelry store to her home, tied her up and demanded that she give them the codes to the store’s alarm system and safes. After the terrified woman gave them the information, our bozos untied her, and, as they were leaving, one of them gave her a kiss on the cheek. The woman called the cops and, after telling the story, one of the officers swabbed her cheek to see if our bozo had left a DNA sample. He had. And it turns out he was a wanted man and his DNA was in the national genetic database. They’re busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Des Moines, Iowa, where our unidentified bozo walked into the local Taco John’s restaurant. Approaching the counter, he said, “Give me everything you got” and pointed a gun a the clerk. The clerk took one look at the weapon, and said, “I don’t have anything for you, and besides, that’s a BB gun.” Our bozo denied it was a BB gun and then proceeded to rack the slide and fire the gun, which apparently contained no BBs. Thinking better of his plan, our bozo turned tail and ran.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Murfreesboro, Tennessee, where police were called to the local McDonalds with a report of a man sleeping in his car. Upon further investigation, the cops discovered the man was naked from the waist down. While they were trying to awaken him, they asked if there was anything they should be concerned with in his vehicle. And that’s when he gave them the Bozo Answer of the Week. He said, “There might be a meth lab in my car.” He wasn’t kidding…when the officer opened the back door a “gasser bottle” fell out. He’s busted!

We are going to take the day off today from reporting on Bozo Criminal activity and give you a report from the Internal Affairs Department. There was no crime committed here but the ineptness detailed is certainly criminal. From New Delhi, India, comes the story of India’s Central Vigilance Commission, an agency set up to fight corruption. It seems this organization set up a system where citizens could report crimes online. Good idea, except for one thing. Somewhere along the way, the administrators forgot the password to access the citizens’ reports. And, try as they might, no one could figure out the password. And did we mention that the password was lost in 2006? Yep, they have an 8 year backlog of crime reports to go through now that someone has finally cracked the password. At this point, they promise to investigate all complaints, but can give no estimated date of completion.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stuart, Florida, where bozo Michael Martin was pulled over by the cops for speeding on U.S. 1. After a brief conversation, the cop noticed Martin had glassy eyes and slurred speech and inquired if he had been drinking. He confirmed that he had a few drinks following an argument with his wife. And as for why he was behind the wheel…that’s the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the officer that he knew he was drunk and was trying to “drive it off.” Bad, bad idea. After failing a sobriety test he was arrested on a DUI charge.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Salisbury, Massachusetts where bozo Kevin Grier was pulled over after the cops noticed him driving erratically. When the cop asked him to present proof of registration, our bozo reached into the glove box and handed to the cop…a recipe for beef short ribs. Oops. He’s been charged with driving with a suspended license, improper registration and failure to dim headlights.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Ipswich, Australia, where an unidentified bozo attempted to rob a 7-Eleven in a scene right out the video game Dead Rising. Armed with a running chainsaw and wearing a flower pot over his head, he stormed into the store and demanded cash. After the clerks sought shelter in the back , he turned his attention on the store fixtures, chainsawing a window and several display racks, before dropping his pants and mooning the clerks. He then grabbed a bottle of soda and left. The cops were called and found our bozo walking down the street near the store. He’s under arrest.

We’re still a month and a half away from tax time, but it would appear some bozos are already getting antsy about dealilng with the IRS. From St. Petesburg, Florida, comes the story of bozo James Morris who called 911 to check on the status of his tax return. When the dispatcher told him she had no information on his pending refund, he became beligerent and continued to demand she find out the status of his return for him. When he refused to get off the phone, officers were dispatched and, when they arrived, found him still on the phone with the 911 operator. The result…he’s been sentenced to two days in jail and a $450 fine. Hope his refund will cover it.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Key West, Florida, where police officers were called to a resort hotel after a security guard noticed a couple of suspicious people enter the property and then heard a scream. The cops arrived and quickly spotted our bozo, who was standing near a large flower pot. When he saw the police approaching, he stuffed his hands into the flower pot and refused to bring them out. The police soon discovered what he was trying to hide…a baggie containing less than a gram of cocaine. It was when he was being arrested that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Day. He told the officers, “I thought cocaine wasn’t illegal in Florida.” Wrong. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from DeSoto, Texas, where bozo Darrell Raines was placed under arrest on drug charges when he was found to be carrying a backpack containing what was believed to be narcotics. He was handcuffed and placed in the back of a patrol car while the officers continued their investigation. Due to what was deemed an “equipment failure” our bozo was able to escape while the officers’ backs were turned. This would be the end of the story except for one thing. Those pesky handcuffs. Try as he might, our bozo couldn’t get them off, and it seemed the more he tried, the tighter they got. So, finally, he did what any bozo would do. He called 911 to complain that the circulation in his arm was being cut off by the handcuffs he was still wearing. Bad idea. He’s now under arrest on felony charges of possession of a controlled substance, escape and tampering with evidence.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report from Sumter, South Carolina, where bozo Michael Wilkins walked into the local Applebees. After enjoying his meal, he tried to pay for it with his debit card, which was rejected. Undeterred, our bozo simply reached into his pocket and offered to pay the bill in cash. With a $1 trillion dollar bill. Even with inflation, the government has never printed a trillion dollar bill. The cops were called and it was discovered our bozo was also wanted on an unrelated contempt case. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Los Angeles, California, where four bozo burglars entered a residence armed with shotguns and handguns. The homeowner had seen our bozos approaching on security cameras and had called the cops, who arrived quickly, scaring off two bozos immediately. The other two were already in the house and that’s when they hatched one of the all-time bozo plans. They asked the homeowner to tie them up and tell they cops that they were also vicitms. The homeowner wisely ignored their suggestion and ran outside to tell the officers what was going on. The police decided to simply play a waiting game with our bozos, who eventually came outside and surrendered.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Nujmber 019897: If you’re a wanted man, take the bus. From the International File in Verona, Italy, comes the story of our unidentified bozo who had been on the run from the cops for nine months when he made the decision to hitch a ride back to his residence instead of walking. Don’t know what it was that tipped the plainclothes officer off, but he took one look at our bozo and thought he “looked wrong” and decided to give him a lift. Instead of taking him home, the cop gave our bozo a ride to the police station, where he unsuccessfully attempted to flee. After his capture, the cops determined he was wanted for aggravated theft, robbery, receiving stolen property and drunk driving. He’s busted!