Author: dave

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Stephen Cooper for sending in today’s report from Panama City, Florida. It seems bozo John Jarrell was charged with trespassing and, when he appeared in court, he gave the clerk $400 in cash to pay the fine. The sharp eyed clerk noticed something was amiss, as several of the bills had the exact same serial number. Deputies were called and, after it was determined that the bills were indeed counterfeit, our bozo was placed under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mannie Steglich for sending in today’s report from San Antonio, Texas, where being a Peeping Tom has apparently gone high tech. One of the female employees of a company that shall remain unnamed was using the toilet when she heard something beep. Not exactly what you want to hear when using the facilities. She took a look and discovered an electronic device taped to the shelf of a storage locker located directly in front of the toilet. The cops were called and discovered that the device was periodically taking pictures of employees using the toilet. And one of those pictures stored on the camera was of the bozo who installed the camera, an employee of the company. And if that wasn’t bad enough news, he was also wearing his name tag when the picture was taken. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Key West, Florida. Bozo Michelle Stanford had what appeared to be a nice situation there, enjoying life and living on a houseboat. But things were not what they seemed. 18 years ago our bozo had been convicted of payroll fraud in Kansas City and had skipped town, eventually turning up under an assumed name in Key West. Things were going smoothly untlil someone tipped the Secret Service about her real identity. When detectives showed up and began questioning her, she seemed a little nervous, so they asked her to produce her birth certificate. She dug around in some papers and pulled out a fake birth certificate with her new name. Unfortunately, when she pulled out the fake certificate, her real birth certificate and social security card fell to the floor. Oops. She’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Corbin, Kentucky, where bozo Kevin Landry had big plans to rob a store. He was so proud of himself that the took a moment before beginning to take a selfie of himself wearing his white burglar’s mask. He then proceeded to ransack the store, with surveillance cameras showing him gathering up rifles, handguns, knives, cigarettes, chewing tobacco and food items. The cops worked several leads which led to them questioning our bozo in connection with the robbery. But since he had worn gloves and his face was covered by the white mask, the cops didn’t have much to go on. That is, until one of the officers asked if he could take a look at that cell phone. Our bozo handed it over, and, sure enough, there was the selfie of him wearing the mask. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Port St. Lucie, Florida, where bozo drug dealer Taylor Horton was quite proud of his exploits. So proud, in fact, that he posted several pictures of himself on Facebook showing him dealing drugs within sight of police officers. What he didn’t realize was that the third shot he posted was of him selling drugs to an undercover officer. Oops. The cops returned the favor and posted his booking photo on their Facebook page.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glenn Winkey for sending in today’s report from the International File In Montreal, Canada. Our bozo couple made up an elaborate plan to fake a home robbery to collect insurance money. And they planned it pretty well, too, hiding the valuables, smashing some jewelry and even planting fake footprints of the “thieves.” Everything thing was going well, the cops were called and the woman, acting distraught, was explaining how she had “lost everything” when her cell phone rang. Her father was on the other line, and the woman began calmly speaking to him in French. And they weren’t just exchanging pleasentries. She was explaining, in detail, exactly what was going on. One thing our bozos failed to think of. Since this was Canada, there was a pretty good chance the cop would be bi-lengual. Which he was. He toot 10 pages of notes while listening to her “confession” before placing her under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom used Bozo Rule #999987: What’s good for Miley isn’t necessarily good for bozos. From Beaverton, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Coura Ramirez who went to municipal court to pay a fine. As she was leaving, she decided to celebrate with one of her friends by twerking in front of the court’s windows. Another friend recorded the whole thing on her cell phone. Apparently things got a bit out of hand, with court employees making claims of indecent exposure and the photgrapher taking a break to relieve herself between parked cars. The women left the scene, but were stopped by the cops nearby. They now face disorderly conduct charges and, not surprisingly, several drug charges, thanks to a search of the car.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bend, Oregon, where there was a robbery at the local bank. Investigating officers were examining the hold-up note when they noticed something interesting. It was written on the back of a grocery receipt, and on that receipt were the last four digits of a food stamp account and the account balance. Officers were able to use that information to obtain a name linked to the account number and an online search of the name led them to a transaction at a local pawn shop, in which our bozo gave his telephone number. The determined cops then got the GPS coordinates of the phone from the local service adviser. DNA evidence collected from our bozo matched that of a stocking cap that was knocked off at the scene. Busted! To his credit, our bozo denies the charges, saying he never saves receipts and that a hitchhiker must have stolen the cap. Right.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Salzburg, Austria, where our unidentified bozo had heard some nasty rumors. So he decided to head down to the local police station to try to either confirm or have those rumors denied. He walked up to the front desk and told the officer that he just wanted to check to find out if they had “nothing on him.” The cops checked their records and found out that, indeed, he was a wanted man, with a warrant out for his arrest on four counts of fraud and embezzlement. Oops. He was taken into custody.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Dunwoody, Georgia, where bozo Damon Ellis was involved in a fender bender with a police patrol car. When the officer approached and asked for our bozo’s drivers license, he reached down and instead handed the officer…a beer. Oops. He’s been charged with eight offenses, including DUI and reckless driving.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jim Kelly for sending in today’s report from Fort Walton Beach, Florida, which proves that while the cops take all thefts seriously, they take donut thefts VERY seriously. It seems Bozo Edward Hogan was visiting the local Wal-Mart when he spotted a particularly tasty looking donut in the display case. He picked it up and headed back to the sporting goods department, where he looked at a laser sight before heading to the garden department, donut still in hand. He then exited the store through the plant section where he was confronted by security officers. He refused to give back the donut and when he became aggressive, the cops were called. He’s been charged with resisting arrest and theft. No word on what happened to the donut.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glenn Winkey for sending in our Bozo for today from the International File in New South Wales, Australia, where the cops stopped a car containing three bozos at a DUI checkpoint. After administering a breathalyzer, the cops hauled the driver off to jail for DUI. No problem, one of the other bozos slid over into the drivers seat and they continued on their way. But not for very far, as the cops pulled them over again, and again the driver failed the test and was hauled off to jail. That leaves us only one bozo in the car…and what does he do? He gets behind the wheel and drives off, of course. As you might have guessed, the cops pulled him over, and yep, he failed, too. One little, two little, three little bozos, all in jail.

We try to remain impartial here on the Bozo Criminal Report, but today we make an exception. Our bozo for today deserves the most severe punishment possible. From the International File in Strood, England, comes the story of bozo Gareth Doosey. The police were called to his residence after numerous complaints of disturbing the peace were received from his neighbors. Upon arrival, the cops explained his offense and confiscated his 3D TV and his speakers. And what exactly was the grievous crime? It seems our bozo liked to play Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” at maximum volume, over and over. Case closed. The cops say he can get his stuff back if there are no further complains after 28 days.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Providence, Rhode Island, where bozo Gary Davis walked into a convenience store and demanded cash. The convenience store clerk showed no fear and simply reached under the counter and grabbed a baseball bat, which sent him running out of the store. Undeterred, our bozo went next door to a dry cleaners and tried the same trick. Again, the employee didn’t seem to feel threatened and reached into a decoy register and handed him a fake $20 bill. Armed with a good description and some security camera photos, the cops were able to make a quick arrest. Oh, we did forget to mention one thing. Perhaps the reason the employees didn’t feel threatened was our bozo’s choice of weapon. In both instances he was armed with a potato which he pointed at the clerks.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Knox County, Tennessee, where bozo Zachery Logan was a little short of cash. Instead of looking for gainful employment, he hatched a bozo plan. He texted his mother and told her that he was being held captive by drug dealers and they were going to kill him unless she paid a $200 ransom. Only problem, he’d pulled a similar stunt before and instead of sending him the cash, Mom called the cops. They set up a fake money drop and our bozo was arrested when he showed up to collect.

Bozo criminal for today failed in so many ways. From Pompano Beach, Florida comes the story of bozo Felipe Ortega who walked into a Chase Bank and handed the teller a holdup note. Instead of giving him the cash, she stepped away from the window and our bozo left empty handed. Unfortunately, he left behind that holdup note, which happened to be written on the back of an online job application that contained our bozo’s username and password. Add to add to his problems, the FBI was able to lift his fingerprints off the note. Oops. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today from the International File in Gloucestershire, England definitely has our sympathies. It seems bozo Robert Starkey was in the middle of a 6 year sentence for armed robbery when the stress of being in prison finally got to him. So he formulated his plan for escape. Under cover of darkness, he scaled one of the prison walls and headed for the hills. As far as prison escapes go, it was a relatively successful one. He enjoyed 20 days of peace and quiet before he was captured. And that brings us to the reason for his escape attempt, and the reason he ended up on the Bozo Report. He wanted to get out of jail not because he was hungry for freedom and not because of abusive guards. Nope, instead it was his inmates and their choice of music that put him over the edge. He told authorites that it was the relentless sound of rap music that was being played day and night that finally got to him. The judge was not sympathetic. He’s had ten more months added to his sentence.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Clarksville, Tennessee, where police were called to a church parking lot after Easter Sunday Services on a report of a domestic disturbance. Upon further investigation, the officers learned that a married couple had gotten into an argument over the wife’s driving skills, or lack thereof, while on the way to church. They were apparently still arguing about it when they returned to their car and the husband refused to get in. The wife then attempted to run him over. Perhaps the husband was right, as she missed and hit the curb. She was arrested and charged with aggravated assault.

With tax day now past us, apparently some bozos are getting antsy about their refund checks. From St. Petersburg, Florida comes the story of bozo James Moore who dialed 911 to ask about the status of his refund. When he continued to question the operator, even after she told him this did not qualify as an emergency, officers were dispatched. He was still on the phone with 911 when the officers arrived. Hope his refund check is a big one. He was sentenced to two days in jail and a $450 fine for 911 abuse.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glenn Winkey for sending in today’s report from Spokane, Washington, where bozo Casey Blake stole a shotgun and fled the scene on his bicycle. Sounds like a successful heist, except for one small detail. The shotgun was too large to fit completely in his backpack, and it was clearly visible to the cops when he pedaled by a patrol car. Upon questioning him, they discovered that our bozo was a convicted felon and it is illegal for him to possess a firearm. He was also found to be in possession of methamphetamine. He’s busted!