Author: dave

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in London, England. Our crook had his robbery of the Halifax bank all planned out. He would walk in, gun in one hand and a bag for the cash in the other. He would flash the gun, demand cash, and make a clean getaway. Sounds good, right? Let’s see what went wrong. He walked in as planned. Demanded cash as planned. Handed the gun to the teller. Huh? Yep, he got confused and instead of handing the bag to the teller, he passed over the gun. The teller grabbed the weapon, sounded the alarm and sent down the security shutters. There was nothing left for our bozo to do but run out and pedal away on a bank worker’s bike, which was just outside the door. An arrest is pending.

Bozo Criminal for today from the International File in Zagreb, Croatia proves once again that bozos and modern technology don’t mix. The cops pulled over our two bozos for driving erratically and, upon further investigation, discovered 100 grams of marijuana in their car. They were taken to the station for further questioning and that’s when they received a text from one of their bozo friends. And what was in that text? It was simple and straight to the point, “Water my weed, please.” Busted! Cops discovered a small backyard plantation at his house.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cleveland, Ohio, where, according to the cops, Precious Harper was shopping at her local Walmart when she encountered our bozo, Maneka Wilson in the potato chip aisle. Apparently these ladies have some sort of history, having been neighbors in the past. Things heated up quickly, leading to our bozo grabbing a 10 pound log of beef from Precious’s cart and clubbing her with it. Cooler heads prevailed and the two were separated before further damage could be done with the burger roll. Our bozo was taken into custody and charged with disorderly conduct. No word on what happened to the hamburger.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Lauderdale, Florida, where TSA agents noticed something rather strange at a baggage checkpoint. A raw chicken. OK…so you’re taking a raw chicken with you on this flight? Mind if we frisk the chicken? Further inspection found that the chicken was stuffed…with a gun. Yep this bozo stuck a gun inside a chicken and tried to get through airport security. Bad idea. He’s busted! No word on the fate of the chicken.

Our bozo for today from Raleigh, North Carolina, comes from the Good Eats file. It seems our unidentified female bozo had ordered some to-go pulled pork from Clyde Cooper’s Barbeque. After she opened her food she became so upset that she felt the need to call 911. Perhaps a bug in her food? Nope? Maybe evidence of rodent infestation? Nah. Perhaps a piece of metal or something else that wasn’t supposed to be there? No way. She called to complain that some pieces of her pork were pink instead of brown. OK. After discussing the matter with the owners, an officer explained to her that the pink meat was “smoke rings” indicating that the barbeque had been cooked just like it was supposed to be cooked, over a smoky fire. Never mind. Bon appetit.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Gastonia, North Carolina, where the cops were called to a report of shots fired. Upon arrival, they found a 64-year-old woman in her backyard, firing at full cans of Diet Mountain Dew. Target practice? Nope, she told the cops she didn’t approve of her father drinking the Dew and this was her way of disposing of them. Maybe pour them down the sink next time. She was cited for discharging a firearm within the city limits.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Louis, Missouri, where the cops were called to a report of gunfire. On their way to the scene, a man stepped in front of the marked patrol car, walked to the passenger side, and pointed a gun at the officers. At some point he noticed the vehicle he was trying to carjack was a cop car and he fled on foot. He was quickly apprehended. Charged with first-degree robbery, armed criminal action and resisting arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Longmeadow, Massachusetts. Sheriff’s deputies were attempting to serve an eviction notice at a residence when our bozo pulled up. Towing a trailer. Full of bee hives. Bozo Rorie Williams then calmly put on a beekeepers suit, started shaking the hives, breaking the cover off one and sending a swarm of bees in the direction of the deputies. Several deputies were stung before the bees were brought under control and our beekeeping bozo was placed under arrest. She has pleaded not guilty and is awaiting trial on charges of assault with, um, deadly insects.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jersey City, New Jersey, where bozo Zulema Jefferson walked into local sheriff’s office and handed her job application to a security guard. Nothing wrong with that, right? Right, unless you happen to be wanted on a fraud charge in Pennsylvania. After the cops discovered who she was, they called her back in, ostensibly for an interview. She was quickly placed under arrest and, after she was found to be in possession of two stolen credit cards, she was charged with theft in addition to the ten bench warrants for failure to appear in court.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Seminole, Florida where bozo Paul Simpson walked into a Chase bank with his hand under his shirt. He then made the shape of a gun with his finger and demanded cash from the teller, advising her to “not push any buttons.” She went along with the charade and gave him $120. The cops were called and he was captured on foot not far from the bank. He was taken into custody, along with his “weapon”.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston, Texas. Our unidentified bozo walked into a fast food restaurant and asked the person behind the counter for change for a $100 bill. When the employee called over his manager, our bozo pulled a gun and demanded cash. Then, for reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, he told the manager that it was his first time attempting a robbery. Seeing an opportunity, the manager simply refused to open the register. Our bozo then proceeded to try to negotiate an amount that the would be reasonable to both parties. No deal. He then left the establishment, probably to go home and practice in front of a mirror before trying again.

Bozo criminals for today come from Wildwood, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a domestic disturbance. When the cops arrived they found a young man with “visible red marks on the front side of his neck” and “fresh bruising/redness on his left eye.” Further investigation turned up several containers of Chinese take-out, one of which appeared to be completely empty. It seems the young man, who was the son one of one of the alleged perps, ate the container of Chinese food that belonged to the father. Must have been some good eats, too, as his sister, 25, joined in the beat down. For himself, the son offered the excuse that the containers weren’t labeled and he didn’t know which was his. Makes sense. Dad and daughter will have to go to jail hungry, as they were arrested for misdemeanor battery. And you can add domestic battery by strangulation, a felony, to pop’s charges.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wexford County, Michigan, where officers were called to a report of a motorist attempting to flag down passersby for help. When they arrived, they found our stranded bozo, along with two civilians who were helping pour gas into his fuel tank. The cops routinely asked our bozo for his ID and he went to car to retrieve it. When he returned, instead of handing the officer his drivers license he instead gave him…wait for it…a half empty bottle of vodka. Oops. His problems were compounded when a .22 caliber handgun was found in the back seat. Busted! Charged with Operating While Intoxicated, Operating While Intoxicated with a High BAC, Possession of Firearm While Under the Influence, Carrying a Concealed Weapon, and Open Alcohol in Vehicle.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tampa, Florida, where an officer observed our bozo blow through a red light right in front of his squad car. He immediately gave chase but things quickly got out of hand as the cyclist, who had a passenger riding behind him, simply sped up, weaving in and out of traffic. He ran several lights and led the cop on a chase at speeds exceeding 100 mph. Other units were alerted and our bozo was finally apprehended at an intersection. And what exactly was the reason he gave for fleeing the cops? He said it was a “first date” and he was trying to impress the girl that was riding with him. Didn’t work. She told the cops she was screaming for him to stop the whole time. There won’t be a second date for a while, either. He’s charged with a felony for fleeing cops at high speed with wanton disregard for the safety of others. And his past won’t help him. He previously has convictions for cocaine possession, probation violation, grand theft, and passing a counterfeit check. And additionally, he was cited for reckless driving and driving an unregistered vehicle following a 2019 motorcycle crash. No word if there was a girl he was trying to impress that time also.

We present for you this morning a handy step by step guide for how to get yourself arrested. Today’s bozo in Acton, Maine took the first step by getting drunk and stripping down to his underwear. Step two, head over to a nearby house at 4:45 in the afternoon and, still clad only in your underwear, attempt to break-in. Step three, make enough noise to alert the homeowner who, after getting a good look at you on his Ring doorbell, calls the cops. Step four, flee in your vehicle, which was parked in plain sight, which allowed the homeowner to give the cops a good description. Step five, crash said vehicle into a nearby lake. And, finally, step six, swim to shore where the police are waiting to place you under arrest. Congratulations! You have completed our step by step guide to going to jail!

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where the police were called to a report of a suspicious person. Upon arrival, they found bozo Enzo Carrera in an alley, glass pipe to his lips, attempting to light up. He was quickly taken into custody, but not before he offered up the Bozo Defense of the Week. He said to the cops, “Meth is legal now.” Um. No, it isn’t. Busted! On a felony drug possession charge and a misdemeanor count of resisting police. He probably has more problems since his rap sheet includes multiple convictions for narcotics possession, as well as convictions for trespass, disorderly conduct, obstruction, and assault.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wyandotte, Michigan, where our unidentified bozo decided to take a nice relaxing drive along the riverfront. And what’s a relaxing drive without a drink or two, right? Well, maybe not. It seems he lost his way and made a wrong turn…right into the Wyandotte Police Department parking lot. Oops. When the cops confronted him and asked how much he had to drink, he replied, “Enough but not enough.” That’s where you’re wrong. Busted after blowing a .21. Charged with DUI.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Las Vegas, Nevada, where security at Harry Reid International Airport were alerted to a report of a woman who had walked out of the Chili’s there without paying her bill. They soon found a woman matching the description sleeping in the baggage claim area. And that’s when the trouble started. She immediately became belligerent, threatening to spit on the officers and claiming the “officers were perverts.” And then she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week for her arrest. She said they only arrested her because they “had never seen anyone as pretty as her.” Come on, gorgeous, you’re headed to jail, charged with violating airport conduct.

Our bozos for today come from the International Military File. Undermanned Ukrainian troops have been holding their own against supposedly superior Russian troops and now we have discovered that at least one of the reasons for their success is their ability to exploit the bozo tendencies of the Russian soldiers. It seems that Ukrainian hackers have set up fake social media accounts, posing as attractive women who are interested in the horny Russian troops. During lulls in the fighting, the Russians correspond with with women and occasionally give out sensitive information, such as their location. Last month, the hackers learned that the Russians had occupied a remote base in Melitopol, which led to a successful Ukrainian attack on the base. Keep up the good work, guys, er girls!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Greater Manchester, England. The cops were in pursuit of our bozo who had reportedly stolen a vehicle and then was seen leaving a gas station without paying. He was tracked to a residence but once inside there seemed to be no one home. Only a huge teddy bear over in the corner. But wait, is that bear…breathing? Yep. Somehow our 18-year-old bozo had managed to open the back of the bear and squeeze himself inside. He held his breath as long as he could bear it and then the jig was up. He faces charges of theft of a motor vehicle, driving while disqualified and theft of petrol.