Author: dave

Bozo criminal for today comes from Waco, Texas, where bozo Anthony Swain was in town for the big football game between Baylor and Oklahoma. We’re not sure if he made it to the game, but he certainly made it to the liquor store. Somehow, he ended up on the front steps of the county courthouse at 8:15 a.m. Saturday. Finding the door unlocked, he let himself in and curled up between the counsel rail and the first row seats and went to sleep. It was when the cops arrived in response to the burglar alarm that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the officers he couldn’t imagine what he had done wrong. It seems he had confused the courthouse with his hotel, the Waco Hilton. He was charged with trespassing and taken to the jail to finish sleeping it off.

Our bozo criminal for today comes from the nation’s capital, Washington, D.C., where there are usually a lot of strange things going on, but this one is a first. Our unidentified victim was standing in line at a convenience store when the woman behind him began backing toward him. When she got within range, she began twerking vigorously in his private area. Shocked by her actions, the victim asked for help from the clerk who replied, “What do you want me to do?” Fearing for his safety, or at least the safety of his privates, the unidentified vicitm fled the scene and called the cops. Using the store’s video surveillance tape, the cops were able to ID the twerking perp. She’s under arrest and charged with third degree sexual abuse.

Bozo criminals for today from the International File in Odense, Denmark, did what hundreds of bozos before them have attempted to do. Duplicate a daring prison escape, just as seen in the movies. Guards received a report of a disturbance and found wet footprints leading from the enclosure, down a corridor, in what appeared to be a mad rush for freedom. Unfortunately, the corridor turned out to be a dead end as the door at the end was locked. Our bozos were rounded up and taken back to their cage. Yes, cage. The bozos were a group of penguins that were attempting an escape, much like the one seen int he movie Madagascar. Better luck next time, guys.

Our bozos for today come from Fuzhou, China, where Single’s Day is a national holiday featuring sales on online products. Our newlywed couple decided to take advantage of the deals and within two hours had spent $3142, exceeding their credit limit. This might have been fine except for one thing. Upon investigation of what had been bought, they discovered that they hadn’t bought any gifts for each other. Uh-oh. Name calling and insinuations ensued, with the loving couple accusing each other of only buying gifts for themselves and their family and spending hard-earned money on worthless junk. The argument continued until 3 a.m. at which point they called the cops to help settle the dispute. Officers arrrived and defused the situation by telling the kids to spend their money more reasonably. Like maybe on counseling.

Our bozo for today from Alcante, Spain, proves that motherly love knows no bounds. Our 73-year-old bozo, who shall remain unidentified, paid a visit to her son who was a prisoner in Fontcalent prison. And she came bearing gifts. It’s what the gifts were and where she concealed them that got her in trouble. She took small doses of cocaine and heroin, as well as tranquilizers, and hid them inside a Kinder Egg, a popular egg shapedchocolate treat. She then wrapped the egg in a condom and inserted it in, um, a very private area. Her plan went awry when the guards announced she would be frisked before entering the prison. At which time she popped out the egg and handed it to prison guards. Whew. She’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Kobe, Japan, where our bozo weirdo had a fetish for taking pictures of women in their underwear, specifically the “upskirt” variety. So, at 3 a.m., when there was no one around, he lowered himself through a sewer grate in the sidewalk and positioned himself so he could take some rush hour pictures. So far, so good. And then daylight arrived and one of the pedesterians noticed our bozo’s hair sticking out through the grate and called the cops. Oops. He’s busted!

Our bozo for today is not a criminal, but he does prove that some things are better left to a professional. From the International File in Stockholm, Sweden, police, ambulances and the fire department were called to a report of a loud explosion and a shirless man brandishing what appeared to be a weapon. Upon arrival, the cops couldn’t find anything amiss. The only thing they saw was a shirtless man placing a large piece of plastic over his open window. Upon questioning, they discovered that the man was making an unsuccessful attempt at some home improvements. He explained that he was home alone trying to hang some curtains, when he dropped his power drill. The drill fell through the window, shattering it and landing on a tin roof below with a loud boom. He was left to put a sheet of plastic over his broken window while he found someone who hopefully knows how to replace a window AND hang a curtain.

Our bozo criminal for today from Daytona Beach, Florida where bozo Justin Green had a target and a plan. He targeted the Hibachi Grill and Supreme Buffet for robbery. But not just any stick-up. Instead, he planned to crawl through the ceiling and drop into the manager’s office, where he would steal the night’s recepts. Two flaws in the plan. One:his timing. He chose to crawl through the ceiling during the 6pm rush hour at the restaurant. Second flaw: his weight. Restaurant patrons complained they could hear noises coming from above just before he came crashing through, landing on a shocked diner. Oh, and even if he had made it to the office, the receipts are placed in a locked safe. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, where a local park was having its annual Fright Night festivities. Part of the event was an appearance by a life size version of the “Mystery Machine” van from the Scooby-Doo cartoons. Patrons, both adults and children, were enjoying the event when, for reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, bozo Justin Kinney decided to jump atop the van. Families watched in horror as our bozo danced briefly while drinking a can of Budweiser. Maybe he didn’t like their reaction, as he then proceeded to drop his pants and moon the crowd. While it was a “fright night”, things where not supposed to get this scary. He’s been charged with public intoxication and indecent exposure.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Connellsville, Pennsylvania, where police were called to a report of a break-in at the local supermarket. A security guard told the cops he saw our bozo enter the store through an air conditioning vent and then lower himself to the floor with a rope ladder. The cops took a quick look around the store and our bozo was nowhere to be found. Then, they went up to the roof, where they found our bozo, who offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops that he had merely climbed up to the roof of the store to sleep. Since he was lacking an explanation for the ladder and why he was covered in dirt and grime from the air vent, he was placed under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Jefferson County, Missouri, where Zane Clark was working in the woods, clearing trees as part of his lawn and tree service business. He had just cut down a tree and was loading the wood onto his tractor to take back to his truck when he saw our bozo driving away in the vehicle. Clark put the tractor into high gear and took off in hot pursuit, at the same time giving the cops a call on his cell phone. Since the heist took place on a gravel road deep in the woods, it’s not surprising that our bozo quickly managed to get the truck stuck. And that’s when the John Deere really went into action. Clark pulled the tractor right up behind the truck, put the bucket down and told our bozo, “Bud, you ain’t going nowhere.” And he didn’t. The cops arrived soon thereafter and our bozo was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brookhaven, Georgia, where bozo Michael Foster had just enjoyed his customary sausage biscuit at the local Waffle House. When he was presented with the bill, he was shocked to discover that the price of the breakfast delicacy had gone up, to $1.50. To say this upset him would be an understatement. He cursed the waitress before storming out, punching the door as he exited, shattering the glass. He was quickly apprehended by the cops, and, after getting stitched up at the local hospital, was charged with felony damage to business property, criminal trespass and disorderly conduct.

Our frightfully scary story for today comes from Logan, West Virginia, where secretaries at the Logan County prosecutor’s office decorated the place for Halloween, including a big display of plastic spiders. What they didn’t realize was that one of the assistant prosecutors had a deathly fear of spiders. When the prosecutor came in, he did what any bozo would do, He pulled a pistol and threatened to blow those creepy critters away. He probably should have reached for the Raid instead. Fortunately, the gun was not loaded and no one was injured. Police say the incident is still under investigation. Happy Halloween!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois, where the cops stopped bozo Anthony Lopez for speeding and weaving from lane to lane. After noting he had slurred speech and alcohol on his breath, he was loaded into a police cruiser and taken downtown. While on the trip, our bozo began talking to himself. To their amazement, he began discussing with himself about how he had to get out of the car and return home to get rid of the drugs he had there. Thanks for the tip. After getting a search warrant, the cops found drugs and a sawed off shotgun at the residence.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Branson, Missouri, where organizers had put together a big Monopoly Tournament. Things took a bad turn when Bozo John Long was asked to refrain from taking part in this year’s tournament after he allegedly engaged in unsportsmanlike conduct during the previous year’s match. Our bozo didn’t take this well, to say the least. He started throwing punches at other participants and the whole thing quickly deteriorated into a full fledged brawl. Cops were called and, not surprisingly, he had to go directly to jail.

No real criminal activity to report today but this story was just too good to pass up. From North Webster, Indiana, comes the story of a woman who is recovering after being shot in the foot. By her dog. Let us explain. It seems Ann Cain laid her shotgun on the ground during a hunt without first turning the safety on. Then, her chocolate Labrrador retriever accidently stepped on the weapon, causing it to discharge and hitting Ann in the foot. Fortunately the injuries were not serious and she was treated at the hospital and released. And the reason this story was worthy of inclusion in the Bozo Report? The dog’s name was, appropriately enough, Trigger.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Karen McGillvray for sending in today’s report from Idaho Falls, Idaho, where we have one of the most epic butt dial fails ever. It seems bozo Lawan Simpson was was discussing a drug deal with two other people, saying he would sell them some pot at a nearby hotel where he was staying. All of this would have gone unnoticed except for one thing. Somehow, as the discussion was in progress, our bozo managed to butt dial 911. The cops overheard the whole thing and were able to triangulate the call and arrived at the scene while the deal was still going down. A search warrant for the hotel room turned up marijuana and other drugs. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Metropolis, Illinois, where bozo Joshua Ross broke into the local Dollar General store and took a few stereo items before fleeing. The alarm was tripped and the cops arrived within minutes. While they were reviewing the video footage of the crime, the officers received a call from the Chief of Police. The Chief told the officers there was a suspicious looking character on his front porch asking to use the phone. The cops described the man seen in the footage and, yep, out of all the doors in town, our bozo had chose the police chief’s to knock on. Guess he didn’t notice the “Back the Blue” decorations on the front porch. As he was being led away, our bozo was heard to say, “I knew I should have run.”

Bozo criminal for today comes from Alpena, Michigan, where the cops were called to a residence on a report of a burglary. The homeowner said she heard a racket in her kitchen, where she found our bozo. It seems several things had been broken and a big tray of cupcakes had been overturned, but by the time the cops arrived our bozo was nowhere to be seen. She was able to give a description of the suspect, but it turned out not to be needed as our bozo was hard to miss. The police report described her as “highly intoxicated” with “cupcake frosting and cake all over her torso and legs.” Betty Crocker was arrested and taken to jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from El Reno, Oklahoma, where bozo Jorge Vasquez was pulled over by the cops for weaving and swerving. Our bozo told the cops he was helping move his girlfriend to Georgia and was tired and sleepy. They cops advised him to pull over and take a nap. Then, out of nowhere, our bozo told the cops he wasn’t a criminal and they could search his truck if they wanted to. The cops decided it might be a good idea to take him up on his offer. First, they found a loaded .380 caliber pistol on the front seat. Then, they noticed the manifold of the truck didn’t look exactly right. Inside a very sophisticated hidden compartment they found eight kilos of heroin, about $3 million worth. He should have just taken that nap. He’s busted!