Author: dave

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Macomb County, Michigan. State troopers attempted to pull over a Lincoln Continental driven by bozo Dewayne Hampton after noticing it had expired plates. Surprisingly, our bozo kept driving for several miles, at one point putting up a finger to indicate he would pull over in a minute. And just what was so important? After he finally did stop, he told the cops he wanted to finish his marijuana joint before pulling over. Well, OK then. He’s been charged with multiple outstanding warrants and DUI.

We all know that, both in and outside of the Bozo World, timing is everything. And our bozo for today from Reading, Pennsylvania, had really bad timing. Bozo Victor Hernandez, armed with a pellet gun and wearing a hoodie and mask, jumped into a cab and demanded money from the driver. As the driver tried to explain he had no cash, a sheriff’s deputy pulled up directly behind them. When the light turned green and the cab failed to move, the officer got out to investigate. Realizing he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, our bozo tried to flee but instead was immediately grabbed by the cop. He faces charges of robbery and terroristic threats.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Newark, Ohio, where the cops were called to a residence after reports of gunfire. When they arrived, the female resident was outside and said she wasn’t sure why the 75-year-old man inside was shooting things up. The police set up a perimeter with a vehicle outside with its lights on, negotiators trying to call him and officers using a bullhorn. No response. They also broke a window and sent in an electronic surveillance device. It was then that the female resident reminded the cops that he was hard of hearing. The officers then decided to wait. After several minutes one of the officers thought he heard a sound. Then another. And another. It sounds like…snoring. Yep. Our bozo had fallen sound asleep. The cops said he was cordial when they entered and had no idea what the excitement was all about. He’s been charged with inducing panic and using weapons while intoxicated.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from San Bernardino, Califorina. Now, this one is rather complicated, so please pay attention. It seems bozos Dean Ferguson and Daiquon Haynes were hungry after a long night of carousing, so they stole a full taco truck from the Amapola Rico Taco restaurant. Our bozos stole the truck around 1 a.m. and began cruising around, eating tacos as they drove. At one point our bozos pulled into a woman’s driveway, hitting her truck as they tried to back out. She called the cops and, as the police were on the scene writing up the report, the truck rumbled by. The cops took off after the truck and chased it down the 215 Freeway at speeds in excess of 80 MPH. By now morning traffic was heating up and, when our bozos exited the freeway they immediately found themselves stuck in a back-up. Maneuvering a taco truck through heavy traffic isn’t as easy as it looks and our bozos sideswiped a schoolbus and, while trying to avoid it, promptly T-boned a propane tanker. Somewhat miraculously, no one was injured and the truck didn’t burst into flames, so our bozos jumped out of the truck and tried to flee on foot. Just one more bad idea of many on this morning. The cops quickly placed them under arrest. No word on the fate of the remaining tacos.

Bozo criminal for today from Buffalo, New York, violated basic Bozo Rule Number 0003321: Homemade license plates are NOT legal, and a bad idea if you have a suspended license. Cops noticed a rather strange looking license plate on the vehicle of bozo Amanda Swanson. Upon further investigation, it was a hand lettered and painted “plate” made of cardboard. After pulling her over, the cops discovered she also had a suspended license and no insurance. She’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Murrieta, California, where there had been a rash of thefts at Walmart stores in the area. Store security personnel called the cops after spotting a suspicious car in the parking lot that matched the description of a vehicle seen during recent thefts. The cops noticed the car had two different license plates and neither matched the information on the vehicle. Our bozo consented to a search of the car and the cops found drug paraphernalia and a set of burglary tools inside. In addition, he was identified by an employee as the suspect in a previous burglary in the location. He was arrested and charged with possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of a controlled substance, commercial burglary, grand theft and possession of stolen property. But what landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame was his name. Brady Loser. Really.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Las Cruces, New Mexico. It’s late at night on a Sunday and you’re out of cigarettes, but all the stores are closed. This didn’t deter bozo Charles Crawford. He went down to his neighborhood convenience store and, after pounding on the locked front door several times, kicked it in, breaking the door’s lower panel. Surveillance cameras then show him entering the store, taking a pack of cigarettes off the shelf, and then leaving $6 on the counter. No harm, no foul, right? Wrong. A witness called 911 and the cops quickly tracked down our bozo. He faces a felony charge of breaking and entering and repair to the door to the tune of $800.

Bozo criminal for today from Willimantic, Connecticut, violated Bozo Rule Number 23543: It’s best to rob your limo driver before you give him your home address. It seems bozo Sharon Shafer was out celebrating her birthday by traveling by limo to New York with friends. After a long evening of partying, the driver dropped off all her friends and when he arrived at our bozo’s residence, an argument ensued over the fee. She grabbed the keys, ran inside her house and returned with a pistol, threatening to “shoot out” the tires of the limo. She then removed the GPS from the vehicle, along with a clipboard containing cash and the signed contract. The limo driver made his getaway and quickly called 911. Hope she enjoyed her birthday. Her bail has been set at $100,00 and she’s charged with first-degree robbery, sixth-degree larceny, second-degree threatening, breach of peace and carrying a firearm while under the influence.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico, where the cops were called to a report of a residential burglary. They quickly learned that this was not their usual break-in. The woman said she had made some posole, a traditional Mexican stew, and had told her son to stay away because there wasn’t enough to go around. Apparently he paid no attention as the officers found her gate and garage door broken and the pot of posole missing. At his residence, they found an empty pot. He’s been charged with residential burglary.

Bozo criminal for today comes from White River Junction, Vermont, where it was show and tell day at the second grade school. One little boy proudly told his class about how he helped his mom’s boyfriend grow “special medicine that can cure anything at all.” The boy went on to describe what sounded like marijuana plants and also told the class that people came to the house frequently to pick up packages. The teacher tipped off the cops who raided the apartment, finding two grow rooms next to the child’s bedroom, along with 50 marijuana plants worth in excess of $75,000. Also confiscated were hallucinogenic mushrooms, hashish and an unspecified amount of cash. No word on what grade Junior got on his show and tell.

Bozo criminal for today from Victorville, California, violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 330098: When stealing a train, don’t toot your own horn. San Bernardino County Sheriff’s officers were called at 2 a.m. to a report of a train’s horn sounding for more than 10 minutes. Upon arrival they found 45-year-old bozo Shawna Nichols in the cab of the Burlington Northern-Santa Fe train, happily blowing the horn, with the engine running. She told officers she wanted to take the train for a joy ride but hadn’t been able to figure out how to get it going, so she just settled for blowing the horn. She’s been charged with suspicion of illegally moving a locomotive with possible injury or death.

Our bozo for today from Bradenton, Florida is a play on the old question, “If a tree falls in the woods, does anyone hear it?” Let’s call this one, “If there’s no one in the store, does a bozo rob it?” Apparently the answer is no. Police were called to a report of an attempted robbery at a local 7-Eleven. The store clerk said our bozo entered the store around 5:44 a.m., wearing a mask and carrying a handgun. He took a look around the store and, after seeing no one inside, simply turned around and walked out empty-handed. The cops are looking for the world’s most laid-back robber.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from the International File in Patos, Brazil. Authorities were called to a report of a disturbance at a bar. Apparently a patron drank a glass of rum and then became belligerent, grabbing a kitchen knife and threatening customers. After terrorizing the people in the bar, our bozo then took refuge on the roof, where the cops found him. He was taken into custody and later released. Oh, one thing we forgot to tell you, the drunk patron was a monkey who apparently wandered into the bar from the nearby jungle.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from East St. Louis, Illinois. Bozo Brandon Calder, armed with a gun, allegedly held up a gas station, fleeing with a bag of cash. There was a police station across the street from the station and a detective saw our bozo drop some of the money on the ground as he fled. When he stopped to pick it up, the officer yelled at him to freeze and fired a couple of warning shots. Our bozo jumped into a car and fled, and then things started to get weird. He dialed 911 and told the dispatcher someone was shooting at him. Using this info the cops were able to track him down and place him under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Waynesboro, Virginia, where the 911 operator received a rather unusual call. Bozo Kyle Harper called the emergency number “in a disoriented state” and asked the dispatcher if he could arrange delivery of some rolling papers. He gave his address and the cops arrived to find our bozo sitting in his pickup with “a green leafy substance on his clothing, the dashboard of the truck, the passenger seat and in his right ear.” He’s busted!

Our bozo for today comes from Great Falls, Montana, where the cops were called to a residence after neighbors reported hearing gunshots and screaming coming from the house next door. Police surrounded the place and officers reported “loud talking” and “flashing lights” coming from inside. As the officers crept closer, they found the source of all the commotion. The family was gathered around a big screen TV with an expensive sound system watching the season premiere of “The Walking Dead.” After finding no actual zombies, the investigation was called off and everyone returned to watching TV.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Little Rock, Arkansas, where a couple of bozos where having some Valentine’s Day fun. Apparently things went a little off track and bozo Dustin Walker called the cops to come to his home to remove a pair of handcuffs his wife had applied while they were “doing some kinky things.” It seems she had lost the key. The cops came by and freed our bozo but also ran a routine check on him and discovered an outstanding warrant on criminal mischief. Oops. The cuffs went back on and he went to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Canton, Maine. It seems bozo Nicole Ellis, who was out of jail awaiting trial on a previous auto theft charge, is up to her old tricks. A man left his vehicle running at the Green Tea Restaurant on Sunday while he went inside to grab his to-go order. Our bozo took notice and just couldn’t resist. By the time he returned to his car, she had already jumped in and driven away. The investigating officer took a look at the surveillance video and recognized our bozo as someone he had given a ride to earlier to let her get warm. Oops. He found the car at our bozo’s apartment complex, where he had dropped her off earlier. She’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kilgore, Texas, where bozo Courtney Alexander showed up at the local Taco Bueno looking for a job. The manager gave him an application form, he filled it out and left. It was how he left that got him into trouble. When our bozo went out the front door, he noticed a customer leave his car running to go back inside the restaurant to pick up something that had been left off his order. That was simply too much for him to resist. He jumped in the car and drove off. Guess he forgot that he had just given his name and address to the store manager. The cops were called and he was quickly arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Springettsbury Township, Pennsylvania, where the cops responded to a call of a shoplifter at the local Walmart. The police spotted the thief near a bus stop and gave chase on foot. Unfortunately, one of the officers left his patrol car running and our bozo was able to circle back around and jump in and drive off. He didn’t go very far before abandoning the car, running thru a restaurant and jumping into a trash container out back. As the cops pulled him out, he denied any wrongdoing, saying, “I hang out in dumpsters all the time.” He’s under arrest.