Author: dave

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stuart, Florida, where bozo Nicholas Wheeler really, really wanted a new $60,000 BMW. He was a little short of cash, but this didn’t stop him from making an offer…just put it on my food stamp card and any left over can go on the credit card. Yep, he tried to buy a BMW using food stamps. No big surprise that his offer was turned down. Undeterred, he returned the next night, broke in and stole the car along with keys to 60 other vehicles. The cops caught up with him rather quickly, as when the car ran out of gas, he didn’t have money to fill the tank. He’s been charged with grand theft auto.

As we get close to Easter, it’s time for our annual Bozo Bunny award. Today’s winner comes from Jersey City, New Jersey, where a man took his kids to the mall to see the Easter Bunny. It’s not clear what happened, but a disagreement occurred between the man and Mr. Bunny. A brawl quickly broke out with the Bunny pulling off his white bunny gloves and throwing punches at the man. Mall security stepped in and separated the two, who were both found to have outstanding warrants and were both charged with aggravated assault and disorderly conduct. But, never fear, the show must go on. A standby bunny donned the costume and picture taking resumed. Just another day at the mall in Jersey.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from the International File in Haut-Doubs France. It’s one of those cases where the “criminal” part is at least partly accidental and the extent of bozo-ness is still to be determined. It would seem our bozo took a look at her lottery ticket and thought she had won the big jackpot. So, she went down to the lottery office to confirm her winnings, right? Wrong. Instead she immediately went on a big shopping spree writing checks for everything she wanted, thinking she would cover them as soon as her winning lottery check arrived. A few days later, when the check still hadn’t come in, her husband decided to take another look at that lottery ticket. Turns out her celebrations were a tad premature, as the ticket was one digit off from being a big winner. Oops. Instead of coming clean, the woman burned her purse and tried to claim that it had been stolen and someone else had written the bad checks. However, she was caught on security cameras making purchases at several stores. The judge took pity on her and gave her a suspended sentence and some time to pay off the $5800 in bad checks.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where Neil Olsen had a powerful hankering for a pizza. So, he picked up the phone and called in an order for delivery. He was told his pizza would be there in 30 to 45 minutes. An hour passed and the pizza still hadn’t arrived, so he called to complain. He then waited a while longer and when it still didn’t arrive he called again, right? Wrong. Maybe he called another pizza place? Nope. Got in his car and drove to the pizza place to pick it up himself? Not exactly. He did drive to the pizza shop, but instead of picking up his pizza he proceeded to go on a rampage, throwing things at employees and breaking some glass. The cops were called and he’s been charged with aggravated assault, terroristic threats, and several other charges. Needless to say, he never got the pizza.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Roselle, Illinois. The cops received a rather strange call from a driver reporting that he had just seen a car being driven down the road with a 15 foot tree stuck in its front grill. The cops caught up with our unidentified female bozo and, sure enough, there was a tree stuck in the front of the car. Further investigation revealed the airbags had also been deployed. Our bozo said she remembered hitting the tree but couldn’t remember where or when. She was given a field sobriety test and, not surprisingly, she failed. She’s been charged with DUI, but since they couldn’t determine where the tree came from they couldn’t charge her with destruction of public or private property.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Brooklyn, New York. The owner of the local IHOP noticed that drink sales were way down at his restaurant. After doing a little investigating, he narrowed it down to one shift, and specifically one employee, bozo William Mason. Surveillance footage showed our bozo was serving the customers drinks but not charging them for the beverages. When confronted by the cops, he had a rather unique answer for his actions. He said, “I am the modern day Robin Hood. I am not stealing. I am serving the ones in need. I take from the rich and give to the poor.” It didn’t take the Sheriff of Nottingham to find him guilty. He’s been charged with grand larceny, criminal possession of stolen property and petit larceny.

Bozo criminal for today from Altoona, Pennsylvania, forgot Bozo Rule Number 2323987: It’s not a good idea to call 911 when you’re a wanted man. Bozo Jeffrey Adams found himself locked out of his house. After checking all the doors and windows on the ground floor, he decided to climb up onto the roof in hopes that he could climb in through one of the upper story windows. Once there, however, he managed to get himself stuck and there was only one thing to do, call 911. Which would ordinarily have been a good idea. Except for the fact that he was wanted by the cops for $750 in unpaid court costs and fines. After he was freed, he was taken to jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Denver, Colorado, where a woman called a cab and asked to be taken to the neighborhood 7-Eleven. Maybe she thought the fare was too much, because she then pulled a knife on the cabbie and said she’d just drive there herself. She kicked him out and sped away as the driver called the cops. Police say somewhere along the way she ditched the cab and walked the rest of the way to the store on foot, where the cops were waiting and placed her under arrest.

Our bozo for today from Sebastopol, California, sounds like something out of Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven.” Police responded to a call from a citizen who complained of someone persistently knocking on her front door. When the cops arrived someone was indeed rap, rap, rapping on the front door. Nope, it wasn’t a raven. Wasn’t even a burglar. The source of the knocking was a billy goat who was repeatedly butting the door with his horns. The culprit was taken into custody and reunited with its owner. No charges were filed.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Macomb County, Michigan. State troopers attempted to pull over a Lincoln Continental driven by bozo Dewayne Hampton after noticing it had expired plates. Surprisingly, our bozo kept driving for several miles, at one point putting up a finger to indicate he would pull over in a minute. And just what was so important? After he finally did stop, he told the cops he wanted to finish his marijuana joint before pulling over. Well, OK then. He’s been charged with multiple outstanding warrants and DUI.

We all know that, both in and outside of the Bozo World, timing is everything. And our bozo for today from Reading, Pennsylvania, had really bad timing. Bozo Victor Hernandez, armed with a pellet gun and wearing a hoodie and mask, jumped into a cab and demanded money from the driver. As the driver tried to explain he had no cash, a sheriff’s deputy pulled up directly behind them. When the light turned green and the cab failed to move, the officer got out to investigate. Realizing he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, our bozo tried to flee but instead was immediately grabbed by the cop. He faces charges of robbery and terroristic threats.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Newark, Ohio, where the cops were called to a residence after reports of gunfire. When they arrived, the female resident was outside and said she wasn’t sure why the 75-year-old man inside was shooting things up. The police set up a perimeter with a vehicle outside with its lights on, negotiators trying to call him and officers using a bullhorn. No response. They also broke a window and sent in an electronic surveillance device. It was then that the female resident reminded the cops that he was hard of hearing. The officers then decided to wait. After several minutes one of the officers thought he heard a sound. Then another. And another. It sounds like…snoring. Yep. Our bozo had fallen sound asleep. The cops said he was cordial when they entered and had no idea what the excitement was all about. He’s been charged with inducing panic and using weapons while intoxicated.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from San Bernardino, Califorina. Now, this one is rather complicated, so please pay attention. It seems bozos Dean Ferguson and Daiquon Haynes were hungry after a long night of carousing, so they stole a full taco truck from the Amapola Rico Taco restaurant. Our bozos stole the truck around 1 a.m. and began cruising around, eating tacos as they drove. At one point our bozos pulled into a woman’s driveway, hitting her truck as they tried to back out. She called the cops and, as the police were on the scene writing up the report, the truck rumbled by. The cops took off after the truck and chased it down the 215 Freeway at speeds in excess of 80 MPH. By now morning traffic was heating up and, when our bozos exited the freeway they immediately found themselves stuck in a back-up. Maneuvering a taco truck through heavy traffic isn’t as easy as it looks and our bozos sideswiped a schoolbus and, while trying to avoid it, promptly T-boned a propane tanker. Somewhat miraculously, no one was injured and the truck didn’t burst into flames, so our bozos jumped out of the truck and tried to flee on foot. Just one more bad idea of many on this morning. The cops quickly placed them under arrest. No word on the fate of the remaining tacos.

Bozo criminal for today from Buffalo, New York, violated basic Bozo Rule Number 0003321: Homemade license plates are NOT legal, and a bad idea if you have a suspended license. Cops noticed a rather strange looking license plate on the vehicle of bozo Amanda Swanson. Upon further investigation, it was a hand lettered and painted “plate” made of cardboard. After pulling her over, the cops discovered she also had a suspended license and no insurance. She’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Murrieta, California, where there had been a rash of thefts at Walmart stores in the area. Store security personnel called the cops after spotting a suspicious car in the parking lot that matched the description of a vehicle seen during recent thefts. The cops noticed the car had two different license plates and neither matched the information on the vehicle. Our bozo consented to a search of the car and the cops found drug paraphernalia and a set of burglary tools inside. In addition, he was identified by an employee as the suspect in a previous burglary in the location. He was arrested and charged with possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of a controlled substance, commercial burglary, grand theft and possession of stolen property. But what landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame was his name. Brady Loser. Really.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Las Cruces, New Mexico. It’s late at night on a Sunday and you’re out of cigarettes, but all the stores are closed. This didn’t deter bozo Charles Crawford. He went down to his neighborhood convenience store and, after pounding on the locked front door several times, kicked it in, breaking the door’s lower panel. Surveillance cameras then show him entering the store, taking a pack of cigarettes off the shelf, and then leaving $6 on the counter. No harm, no foul, right? Wrong. A witness called 911 and the cops quickly tracked down our bozo. He faces a felony charge of breaking and entering and repair to the door to the tune of $800.

Bozo criminal for today from Willimantic, Connecticut, violated Bozo Rule Number 23543: It’s best to rob your limo driver before you give him your home address. It seems bozo Sharon Shafer was out celebrating her birthday by traveling by limo to New York with friends. After a long evening of partying, the driver dropped off all her friends and when he arrived at our bozo’s residence, an argument ensued over the fee. She grabbed the keys, ran inside her house and returned with a pistol, threatening to “shoot out” the tires of the limo. She then removed the GPS from the vehicle, along with a clipboard containing cash and the signed contract. The limo driver made his getaway and quickly called 911. Hope she enjoyed her birthday. Her bail has been set at $100,00 and she’s charged with first-degree robbery, sixth-degree larceny, second-degree threatening, breach of peace and carrying a firearm while under the influence.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico, where the cops were called to a report of a residential burglary. They quickly learned that this was not their usual break-in. The woman said she had made some posole, a traditional Mexican stew, and had told her son to stay away because there wasn’t enough to go around. Apparently he paid no attention as the officers found her gate and garage door broken and the pot of posole missing. At his residence, they found an empty pot. He’s been charged with residential burglary.

Bozo criminal for today comes from White River Junction, Vermont, where it was show and tell day at the second grade school. One little boy proudly told his class about how he helped his mom’s boyfriend grow “special medicine that can cure anything at all.” The boy went on to describe what sounded like marijuana plants and also told the class that people came to the house frequently to pick up packages. The teacher tipped off the cops who raided the apartment, finding two grow rooms next to the child’s bedroom, along with 50 marijuana plants worth in excess of $75,000. Also confiscated were hallucinogenic mushrooms, hashish and an unspecified amount of cash. No word on what grade Junior got on his show and tell.

Bozo criminal for today from Victorville, California, violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 330098: When stealing a train, don’t toot your own horn. San Bernardino County Sheriff’s officers were called at 2 a.m. to a report of a train’s horn sounding for more than 10 minutes. Upon arrival they found 45-year-old bozo Shawna Nichols in the cab of the Burlington Northern-Santa Fe train, happily blowing the horn, with the engine running. She told officers she wanted to take the train for a joy ride but hadn’t been able to figure out how to get it going, so she just settled for blowing the horn. She’s been charged with suspicion of illegally moving a locomotive with possible injury or death.