Author: dave

There could be a couple of potential bozos involved in our story today from Lancaster, California. We’ll leave it up to you to make the call on who the real bozo is. Cellphone video footage from the Valero gas station in Lancaster shows a woman, apparently an employee of the station, taking a baseball bat to a truck that is parked next to one of the station’s gas pumps. She is heard saying, “I told you to move!” The owner of the truck says he had filled up with gas and then lost track of time while making calls on his phone. He admits that he may have been sitting in front of the pump for more than an hour. The cops were called and the woman was arrested on charges of vandalism. No word on the fate of the truck.

Bozo criminals for today from the International File in Algeciras, Spain, violated Bozo Rule Number 333876: If you are smuggling contraband, it’s not a good idea to mark your shipment. Spanish National Police at the Port of Algeciras were checking in a shipment when they noticed one of the offloaded pallets had a large red “X” on it. This was enough to make them suspicious, so they brought the pallet over for further inspection. It contained 19 boxes, each holding 88 green plastic bananas. And inside the bananas…376 pounds of cocaine. Busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Mount Healthy, Ohio, where bozo Destiny Wilkins ran up a $20.30 bill at the Gold Star Chili restaurant. Only problem, she didn’t have the 20 bucks to pay the bill. So, she did what any bozo would do. She dialed 911 to report a robber with a gun inside the restaurant. Fourteen officers from three law enforcement agencies responded and found the restaurant empty except for the employees and our bozo. After determining that no robbery had occurred, the cops determined that Ms. Wilkins had been in the restaurant for three hours and had no money to pay the bill. A quick check of her cell phone showed the 911 call. Oops. She’s been charged with disrupting public service, making false alarms and theft.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Rohnert Park, California, where bozo Robert Hart walked into a car wash and dropped an empty potato chip bag on the counter. He then told the attendant to fill the bag with cash, warning that he had a gun. When the clerk indicated he didn’t see a gun, our bozo gestured toward the potato chip bag, indicating that the gun was in the bag. Unfortunately, the bag was turned toward the clerk and he could easily see that all that was in the bag was a gun shaped piece of cardboard. Oops. Our bozo fled empty-handed. Cops are looking for a criminal with the scent of sour cream and onion on his breath.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Blackman, Township, Michigan, where security guards at the local Walmart noticed bozo Angela Hoffman acting strangely. She checked out with a shopping cart full of items, and then stopped in the foyer, past theft-detecting sensors. She then left the cart behind to go back in and grab a few more items. Without paying, of course. When the loss prevention staff confronted her, she said she had nothing to hide, and proceeded to pull her top up and her pants down. In addition, she bit the staff member on his arm. Bad idea. Cops were called and she was charged with indecent exposure, destruction of property, assault and unarmed robbery.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Orlando, Florida, where the police responded to a theft of a Bagel King delivery truck from a gas station at 2:18 a.m. An officer spotted the truck a short time later, but our bozo refused to pull over. Several other cruisers joined in the chase which continued through three counties before the cops were able to block the truck’s path. Our bozo was taken into custody and charged with grand theft auto. No bagels were harmed in the incident.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Spring Hill, Florida, where bozo Anthony Carson smashed the window of the local Family Dollar store with a cinder block. Neighbors heard the sound of breaking glass and the cops were called. Our bozo fled to a apartment complex where the cops found two spent fire extinguishers and a large amount of white powdery substance sprayed around the area. Nearby, the cops found our bozo, who told the cops he had sprayed himself with the fire extinguishers in an attempt to hide from the officers. Didn’t work. He’s busted.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tallahassee, Florida, where the game wardens were on the lookout for illegal alligator poachers. They pulled over our bozo in a Wildlife Management Area to check the vehicle’s day-use pass and noticed a rather strong smell coming from inside the truck. Upon further investigation, they found the source of the aroma. A severed alligator foot sticking out of a compartment in the dashboard. They also found other alligator parts scattered throughout the cab of the truck. After initially trying to say the parts were from a gator he had taken several years ago, he confessed to the poaching and was charged with illegal hunting.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cheektowaga, New York, where it was just an ordinary day at the local Restaurant Depot store until Renee Fletcher showed up. Bozo Renee picked up a jar of mayonnaise and headed for the checkout, where she presented a $100 bill in payment. The cashier thought the bill felt a little funny and upon closer examination she noticed the words “for motion picture use only” printed boldly across the front of the bill. Yep, our bozo was trying to use “prop” money from a movie set to buy a jar of mayonnaise. Local officials and the Secret Service were called and our bozo was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where the owners of a pet shop had been the victims of a number of thefts of high end snakes and lizards but hadn’t been able to catch the thief. So, they set up some surveillance cameras and were shocked by what they saw. Bozo Thomas Wallace walked into the shop, picked up a baby python and…shoved it into his pants. Must have been some really baggy pants. Employees were waiting for him as he headed for the exit and held him until the cops arrived. He was caught red, uh, pants-ed!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Alliance, Ohio, where bozo Charles Logan was arrested for dealing crystal meth. That alone would not merit his inclusion in the Bozo Report. It was his customers that made his story a little different. After arresting our bozo, the cops also found themselves in possession of his cell phone, which, to say the least, was a very popular number. After fielding call after call from prospective buyers, the cops finally had to take to social media. They posted a photo of the phone along with a message: “We have his phone and are trying to read all your texts and are going through his contacts, but you keep calling…” They then added, “First of all, he’s out of drugs for tonight. Secondly, you don’t need to call-we will come see you soon enough.” Yikes! Case closed.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Springdale, Arkansas. Three bozos in the drive-thru at the local McDonalds asked for complimentary cups of water. After receiving their drinks, our bozos parked and walked inside. They then proceeded to pour out the water and refill the cups with soda. The manager was having none of it and demanded that they return the drinks. Two of them did, but bozo Cody Allen took his drink and sped away. Bad idea. The cops were called and our bozo was arrested at a nearby bowling alley, still in possession of the soda in question. Hope it was at least super-sized, as he’s been charged with felony robbery.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kensington, New Hampshire, where the cops responded to a report of a motor vehicle accident in front of the police department headquarters. A car crossed the northbound lane, drove through a stone wall and a granite post before striking a utility pole and becoming entangled in the pole’s guide wires. Officers said the driver, bozo Joshua Taylor suffered minor injuries and appeared intoxicated. He didn’t help himself any with his choice of T-shirt which said, “This guy needs a beer.” Apparently he’d already had several. He’s been charged with DUI.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Toulouse, France, where the cops were surprised when our bozo walked into the station house. They were even more surprised when she placed three plastic baggies containing a white powder on the counter and asked them if they could check and see if her cocaine was pure. She said she was only asking to find out if it was “good quality so people do not die of an overdose.” Good intentions or no, she’s busted!

It’s never a good sign when your attorney tells the judge you committed a “crime of stupidity.” But that’s exactly what happened to bozo Sammy Burt of Easton, Pennsylvania. Apparently our bozo thought it would be a good idea to use a saw to cut a hole in the wall between his basement and the neighbor’s. He then crawled through and stole $200 worth of quarters. Guess he thought no one would ever suspect him of the crime. Unfortunately, he was wrong. Genius has been sentenced to three months in jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Des Moines, Iowa. Bozo Ryan Davis was in need of a job, and he saw where the local taxi company was hiring. Obviously, applying for a job can be stressful and our bozo drank a few cups of courage the night before. Quite a few, apparently, as he was still intoxicated when the showed up for the interview at 9:25 am. He was observed trying to maneuver into a parking space and hitting an adjacent car. He then backed up and tried again, only to crash into the car in front of him. Someone decided to stop the madness and call the cops. Our bozo then blew a whopping .273 on the breath test, three times over the legal limit. Needless to say he was arrested. And he didn’t get the job.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Eugene, Oregon, where the cops thought they had seen everything, then they met the prostitute who was paid with money stolen from the Girl Scouts and tipped with a stolen monkey. The story unfolds something like this. It seems bozo Allen McIntyre stole the Girl Scouts money, the monkey, some additional cash and a laptop from his wife’s pet store, the Zany Zoo Pet Shop. He then found himself a prostitute at a nearby hotel and, if he had only used the Girl Scouts cash to pay, things would probably have gone OK. It was when he left her behind with the monkey as a tip that she decided to call the cops. He’s been charged with soliciting. The prostitute was not charged, and the monkey is going to be just fine.

Bozo criminal for today from Rutland, Vermont, violated Bozo Rule Number 33892: Your getaway vehicle should be inconspicuous as possible. Vermont police say bozo Chase Rogers was seen driving a tractor up to bank’s night deposit box and repeatedly crashing into it, trying to break it open. After failing in his attempt, our bozo drove to a nearby apartment complex, where he ditched the tractor and ran into the woods. The cops quickly caught up with him and placed him under arrest. No word on the fate of the tractor.

Bozo criminals for today come from Mankato, Minnesota, where the cops received a tip that the owners of a local auto body shop where giving rather unusual “bonuses” to their employees. Agents of the local drug task force investigated the shop and observed the owners giving six of their employees “bonus” baggies containing a half-gram of meth. Bet those guys did some quality body work. Syringes and a digital scale along with drugs were found at the shop. They’re busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Longview, Texas, where bozo Joe Kirk visited the local Wal-Mart and shoplifted a few choice steaks. The cops were called and they were soon involved in a high speed chase with our steak wielding bozo. The chase continued across two counties, at times topping speeds of 100 MPH. Somewhere along the way, he decided to jettison any extra weight, including the steaks, which he began tossing out the window of the speeding vehicle. The officer reports one of the steaks bounced off the roof of the patrol car. He was eventually caught, steak-free, and charged with theft and evading officers.