Author: dave

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Smith Falls, Ontario, Canada. Our unidentified 39-year-old bozo dressed in a wig, glasses, and “clothing suited to an older woman.” So now she was ready to pull of a daring bank robbery, right? Nope. Maybe hold up the local convenience store? Nah. Take a driving test for her 73-year -old mother? Yep. Apparently Mom couldn’t pass the test, so bozo daughter thought she’d help her out. Her disguise didn’t fool the cop administering the exam. She’s been charged with one count of impersonating an adult.

It’s been a fightin’ kind of week at the Bozo Criminal Report. After yesterday’s gas attack, today we have this. Police and firefighters were called to a report of a fight at a residence in Brockton, Ontario, Canada. Upon arrival, they found a woman involved in a very heated argument with her boyfriend’s father and it appeared that the dispute could turn physical at any moment. The man was so enraged that he started throwing things into the campfire, including a cylinder filled with propane. Cooler heads prevailed and after a time the cops were able to determine the source of the argument, which is what landed them in the Bozo Hall of Fame. The woman took the position that the world was flat while the man argued that it was round. Neither would accept the other’s point of view, and the man simply ended up walking away. He faces a criminal mischief charge for tossing the propane cylinder into the fire. She’s been sentenced to spend some time in geography class.

Sloppy Joe’s Bar in Key West, Florida, has a long and storied history, dating back to 1933, but never before has its name been mentioned in the Bozo Criminal Report. Until today. Apparently a disagreement arose between two couples enjoying beverages in the bar. The disagreement escalated and one of our bozos was punched in the face and another suffered a dislocated shoulder. The cops were called and our bozos were interrogated. So what was the cause? Perhaps someone pulled a knife? Nope. Someone insulted one of the women? Nah. Someone farted? Yep. Police determined the whole thing was the result of an argument over who farted. Cooler heads prevailed, Febreze was sprayed everywhere, and no charges were filed.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Eagle Point, Oregon, where bozo Victorino Gomez grabbed a bicycle parked in front of the local Wal-Mart and attempted to pedal away. He was struggling with the bike gears when a rancher who was loading dog food and a camping tent into his truck spotted him. The rancher simply did what comes natural. He got his horse, Long John, out of the trailer, saddled up, and rode over to the man who was still trying to work the bike’s gears. Our hero took out his rope and lassoed our bozo. He tightened the rope and dragged our bozo to a safe place where he remained tightly bound until the cops arrived.

Our thoughts and prayers are with the victims and families of the Orlando attacks today.
The Bozo Report will return tomorrow.

Bozo criminals for today from the International File in Brandon, Manitoba, Canada, violated Bozo Rule Number 897787: If you are going to dine and dash, don’t leave anything behind, especially your kid. Our bozo couple ran up a bill of $135 at the local restaurant and then hurriedly left without paying. Unfortunately, they also left without their 10-year-old daughter, who was still at the table. The cops caught up with our intoxicated bozos nearby. They were arrested and the little girl was taken into the care of Child and Family Services.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Wilmington, Delaware. Our bozo seemed to have the perfect plan. He drove to the bank he had targeted, parked his getaway car nearby, grabbed his gun, and entered the building. Pointing the gun at a teller, he demanded cash, which she gave to him. He then turned and walked out of the bank. So far so good. He sprinted to his getaway car, no doubt already planning what he was going to do with all that cash. He then pulled the handle on the car door. Wouldn’t open. Locked. Quick, try the passenger door. Locked. Check pocket of jeans. No keys anywhere. Panic. Run. He didn’t get very far before being corralled by a New Castle County police officer. He’s busted!

No real criminal for today in our report from Newburgh, New York, but it is a humorous situation that deserves mention. Office workers in Newburgh called the cops after hearing a loud voice in their building threatening people with a gun. The workers looked for shelter while SWAT teams converged, traffic was blocked and surrounding buildings evacuated. Finally the source of all the commotion was found. The building houses an audio production company that was recording voiceovers of a man threatening people with a gun. Oops. After advising audio engineers to turn it down a bit, everyone returned to work.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Guntur, India, where our bozo thief threw a guava thru the open door of a jewelry store to distract the owner. While the owner’s back was turned, our bozo entered and ransacked the place, going from one counter to the other before finally stopping at the store’s cash drawer. He then reached inside, grabbed $144 and made a clean getaway. The cops were called and, while the store owner was able to give a good description of the thief, police say they have little hope of catching the criminal and getting the money back. The reason? It seems our bozo has many relatives in the neighborhood that look just like him. Did we forget to mention the thief was a monkey? The chimp-hunt continues…

Bozo criminal for today comes from Anaheim, California, where the cops pulled over a black Ford Mustang on a vehicle code violation. The car slowed long enough for the passenger to get out before speeding away. The police detained the passenger and a high-speed chase ensued down the 91 Freeway, with speeds exceeding 100 MPH. Eventually, the car was involved in an accident and our bozo fled on foot. The cops lost track of him long enough for our bozo to take refuge in a hot tub in the backyard of one of the nearby residences. Guess he didn’t take into account the relaxing qualities of the 104 degree water, as he soon fell sound asleep. The homeowner found our bozo and called the cops. He’s been charged with possession of methamphetamine, stolen property, drug paraphernalia, possession of a sawed-off shotgun, and evading an officer. He’s under arrest.

There are a couple of unusual aspects to our bozo story for today from Manchester, New Hampshire. First, his choice of weapon. Bozo Carlos Herrera entered a convenience store armed with a rock and demanded cash. Yep, he using a rock as his weapon. It worked, and he got away with an undetermined amount of cash. The next thing he did was even stranger. A few hours later he returned to the scene of the crime to give back the money and apologize. Good intentions or no, the cops were called and our bozo was charged with robbery.

Bozo criminal for today from Anchorage, Alaska, wanted to get some booze, but it was late and all the liquor stores were closed. So, he came up with a bozo plan. He headed down to a construction site and stole a front-end loader. He then drove the heavy piece of equipment to the liquor store where he crashed it through the front door. After grabbing a few bottles of liquor, he jumped back into the front-end loader and made a not so speedy getaway. A witness called the cops and a slow speed chase ensued. He was finally captured when the cops blocked the exit to an RV park. He’s been charged with criminal mischief, failure to stop at the direction of an officer, theft, criminal trespassing, burglary, felony DUI and felony refusal to submit.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Tulsa, Oklahoma. Bozo Neil Boyd broke into a residence through a back window. He then went to work, ransacking the house and stacking items he intended to steal by the back door. His next stop was the medicine cabinet where he found some opiate medications, which he also placed at the back door, right? Wrong. Instead, he took some of the pills and before long he was looking for a place to take a nap. He crawled into the bedroom closet and fell sound asleep. He was still there when the homeowner’s daughter came by to check on the home. The cops were called, sleeping beauty was awakened and placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today from Spartanburg, South Carolina, needed some cash, so he headed to a nearby title loans office. Things were going well until he got to the line on the application for “reason for loan.” Thinking honesty was the best policy, he told the truth and filled out “to purchase meth” on the form. Bad idea. The clerk faxed a message to her manager, who was at another office, who called the cops. Our bozo was still waiting for the loan to be processed when the police arrived. The officers found our bozo to be in possession of a glass container with a white rock like substance inside. He told the cops it was cocaine, but he was not going to smoke it because he “did meth.” Not for a while. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wichita Falls, Texas, where Louis Martin headed down to the local bank drive-thru to make a deposit. He placed his items in the tube and sent them over to the teller. She opened the tube and found cash, checks, and a folded piece of paper. Not, the paper wasn’t a note to the teller. Instead inside the paper she found a blue plastic baggie filled with a crystal-like substance. A manager was called over and the cops were called. It seems our bozo had somehow sent .91 grams of methamphetamine along with his money for depositing. Sorry this is a bank, not a hiding place for your stash. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Avon, New York. Deputies attempted to pull over bozo John Parker on a traffic violation. Instead, our bozo led them on a chase down Interstate 390, then through several lawns before finally coming to a stop at the local fire hall. But he wasn’t giving up that easily. Our bozo sought refuge inside the hall, but found it to be packed with people who were attending a fund-raising ham raffle. An off-duty deputy who’s also a volunteer firefighter grabbed our bozo and held him until the offices arrived. He’s been charged with DUI and fleeing from police.

Bozo criminal for today from Fairbanks, Alaska, forgot basic Bozo Rule Number 110874: In the Bozo World, if at first you succeed, don’t try again. Bozo Joshua Warren made his escape from a minimum security halfway house by riding away on a bicycle. But he just couldn’t leave well enough alone. He stole an SUV and returned to the place to pick up some of his friends. Didn’t work this time. The cops caught up with him at a nearby residence. He’s now been moved to a more secure facility.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Russell Fox for sending in today’s report from Boston, Massachusetts. Bozo David Simpson was charged and convicted for stealing a laptop from Suffolk University Law School, where he had been a student. He was given a 90-day prison sentence, but the judge decided to go easy on him, placing him on probation for two years. Apparently that still wasn’t good enough, as our bozo has been charged with returning to the clerk’s office and demanding to see his verdict slip, which is public record. He then allegedly swapped the “guilty” verdict slip with one he had forged and checked the “not guilty” box. Not surprisingly, the cops caught the forgery and now our bozo faces 20 years in prison instead of the 90 days with probation. Oops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from York County, South Carolina, where bozo James Clayton had some marijuana for sale. So he did what any bozo would do. He placed an ad on Craigslist. The ad got straight to the point, saying, “Pot…I SELL WEED-$200.” He also included his photo and phone number. This was simply too much for the cops to pass up. An officer texted the number and asked if it was real. Our bozo called back, asked what the agent wanted, and set up a location to meet. Bad, bad idea. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Carroll, Iowa, where the owner of a recycling business briefly thought his shop was haunted when he heard someone whisper “get out of here.” Turned out not to be a ghost, but a naked bozo in the chimney. The cops were called, along with the fire department, and our bozo was extricated. It was his excuse for being in the chimney that landed the 29-year-old in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the cops he was “playing hide and seek with my cousin” and got stuck. He had no explanation for why he was naked. He’s under arrest.