Author: dave

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk James Gassaway for sending in today’s report. The Pokemon Go app has only been around for a couple of weeks and it’s now caught a bozo in addition to Pokemon. From Milford, Michigan, comes the story of bozo William Watkins who was playing the game when it led him to a flagpole outside the Milford Police Department building. No problem there, except for one small thing. Our bozo was wanted on an outstanding warrant and several of the cops recognized him as he was hanging around outside the building. He never got the catch that Pokemon. He was arrested on the spot.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Knoxville, Tennessee, where bozo Rachel Anderson had a hankering for a barbecue brisket. So she did what any bozo would do, she bought the meat and fired up the smoker. Only she didn’t have a smoker. So she built a fire in her bathtub and placed a rack over the rim of the tub for the brisket. Bad idea for many reasons. First, it was one of those fiberglass tubs, which quickly melted. The fire department was called and both tub and brisket were declared a total loss.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Guelph, Ontario, Canada, where cops patrolling on a dark street noticed what they thought was a bicyclist approaching. It wasn’t long before they figured out it was going way too fast to be a bicycle. Instead, it turned out to be a bozo, driving his car with no working exterior lights. But he wasn’t completely in the dark. He was wearing an LED headlamp on his forehead to light his way, shining the light through the front windshield. And to make matters worse, he was speeding, doing 67 MPH in a 40 MPH zone. He was arrested and the car was towed.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mickey Bunn for sending in today’s report from Nashville, Tennessee. Employees at the local Hustler Hollywood store reported that a man walked into the store, grabbed a mannequin by the front door, threw it in his truck and drove away. Unfortunately for our bozo, the employees got the license plate of the truck. The cops ran it and tracked the vehicle to a local retirement community. Upon questioning, our bozo revealed that he had indeed stolen the dummy and took the cops to his bedroom where they found it in his bed. He’s been charged with theft and was also arrested on an outstanding warrant.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Hempstead, New York. Our bozo’s plan started off smoothly. He armed himself with a shotgun and entered the local Bank of America branch. He then demanded cash from a female employee and that’s when things started to go south. The woman refused to allow him to enter the teller area and, seeing that this wasn’t working out as planned, our bozo ran out the door and jumped into his car. He didn’t get very far before he was involved in a traffic accident, crashing into another vehicle. But not just any car. He ran into a police patrol car. Oops. Officers caught up with him quickly when he tried to flee and he was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Loganville, Pennsylvania. Bozos Rick Martin and Naomi West were traveling from Virginia to Connecticut down Interstate 83. It was a long trip and along the way they had decided to enjoy a few cold beers. Not surprisingly, nature called and our bozos stopped to relieve themselves. While they were outside the car, a great song came on the radio and they decided to turn it up and dance around. Which might have all been well and good, except for the place they decided to pull over for their pit stop. The parking lot of police headquarters. An officer stepping out of the front door of the barracks saw what was going on and they were placed under arrest, charged with public drunkenness, disorderly conduct and open container violations.

The Bozo Report will return Monday. Today we join with our friends in Dallas to mourn the officers killed in the line of duty.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Humpty Doo, Australia, where the cops received a rather unusual phone call. On the other end of the line was our bozo, and he was very upset. He explained to the cops that he and his father had an argument and his father had set fire to his marijuana stash. Obviously, the police had to go check this one out. When they arrived, all that was left was the smoldering remains of a bonfire, and one very distraught bozo. The cops could only shake their heads as there was no unburned pot left behind. When last seen, our bozo was packing up his stuff and leaving to stay with relatives, who hopefully will be more tolerant of his smoking habits.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Braintree, Massachusetts. Bozo Perry Blair walked into a local bank and presented a check for cashing. The teller thought the check looked suspicious and was checking it out when our bozo received a text message on his cell phone. Not sure what the message was, maybe his Mama calling him home to dinner, but our bozo dropped everything and headed for the door. Unfortunately, one of the things he left behind, along with the phony check, was his ID. The cops quickly caught up with him and found an identical fake check in his vehicle’s center console. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from the International File in Gosford, Australia. Bozo Matthew Harper was arrested by the cops for jumping on the roof of an elderly couple’s car, damaging it and generally scaring the heck out of them. He was taken to the police station, booked and released. Guess that just wasn’t good enough for him. He returned to the police station two and a half hours later, shoeless and shirtless. He proceeded to kick down the sliding door to the station, smashing it and entered the facility screaming and yelling. Enough is enough. This time he was charged with recklessly destroying property and was placed in jail.

Our bozo for today comes from the International File in Amsterdam, the Netherlands, where the cops were called to a report of a problem at an apartment complex. Neighbors pointed to a window where a woman, clad only in her underwear, could be seen standing motionless. After observing her not moving, the cops sprang into action. When there was no response to the doorbell or repeated knocks on the door, the cops broke in. Inside, they found a “lifeless woman”. But the reason for her lifeless-ness was unexpected. She was “made of plastic and filled with air.” Yep, the owner of the apartment had left his blow up sex doll standing in front of the window. She was moved to a more private location. No charges were filed.

Bozo criminal for today is the lowest of the low. Jonathan Sawyer of Albuquerque, New Mexico broke into a residence and stole someone’s frozen dinners. Now, taking food is bad enough, but this deed was even more dastardly. Bozo Jonathan broke into his grandmother’s home and stole his own granny’s TV dinners. Shame. And on top of that, he stuck his thumb in the eye of a deputy as he tried to escape. He was found to be in possession of a gun and several glass pipes with drug residue. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Sacramento, California. The popular local restaurant Mother was closed Saturday afternoon and the security cameras were on while an employee finished cleaning up. That’s when our bozo sneaked in through a back door, crept behind a counter and then went into the kitchen. He then grabbed a large shaker of powdered sugar and started sprinkling it all over himself. When he was sufficiently covered, he then picked up a stapler and started stapling together take-out containers. The employee spotted Mr. Sugar Man and called the cops. He was rinsed off and arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Worcester, Massachusetts, where bozo Jane Morton was locked up when a court officer went into one of the neighboring cells. Then next thing he knew, a projectile was headed his way, hitting him in the chest and splashing an unknown liquid onto his face. Further investigation revealed our bozo had dipped her lunch, a sandwich, into the toilet before throwing it at the man. Ick. Our bozo now faces charges of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon.

Our bozo for today comes from Greenfield, Wisconsin, where a family was taken hostage in their own home by another family member. Fearing for her safety, the wife managed to sneak a quick call to 911 and police officers were dispatched. When the police arrived, the situation was not what they expected. The family was being held hostage by the family cat, who was very angry. Apparently the cat had attacked the husband just before the cops were called. Animal control corralled kitty who was taken into custody for observation.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File in Toronto, Canada, where bozo Daniel Fox stepped onto a Toronto Transit bus at 12:30 a.m., and pulled a knife on the driver. Nope, he wasn’t looking for cash. Instead, he told the driver to take him to the nearest Tim Hortons, an extremely popular donut shop. And he told him to make it snappy, forcing him to run several red lights in the process. We’re not sure if he grabbed himself a few Timbits first, but after he had been inside for a while he called 911 and turned himself in. He’s been charged with assault with a weapon, mischief endangering life, forcible confinement, uttering threats and taking a motor vehicle without consent.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbia, Pennsylvania, where bozo Zachary Jacobs broke into a residence. But this was any ordinary break-in, as our bozo liked the place so much he decided to make himself at home. He first raided the refrigerator and made himself a meal. Then, it was off to the closets where he tried on their clothes until he found just the right outfit for himself. And then, he took a look at the interior design of the house and decided it wasn’t to his liking so he started moving furniture around. Then, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to throw a couple of knives at the ceiling, where they stuck. And that’s how the owners of the house found the place when they returned home two days later. The cops were called and our bozo was placed under arrest. He’ll find limited design options in his cell.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jackson, Mississippi, where 67-year-old Cliff Henderson liked fried chicken. Really, really liked fried chicken. Just couldn’t get enough of the stuff. So, he decided the best thing to do was obtain the birds in bulk and cook it himself. It was his bozo approach to obtaining the chicken that landed him on the Bozo Report. Our bozo climbed aboard his bicycle around 5 a.m. and headed down to the local Church’s Chicken. He broke into the place, stole three boxes of frozen chicken, loaded them onto his bicycle and pedaled off. Not surprisingly a man with three boxes of chicken precariously balanced on the handlebars of a bicycle at five in the morning attracted some attention. The cops were called and after a very slow speed chase, our bozo was apprehended and placed under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today from Indian Shores, Florida, had some pot and they needed to sell it so they hatched a plan. 1. Obtain a van. 2. Load with an ample supply of pot. 3. Include the tools of the trade, including a digital scale, rolling papers and zip top plastic bags. 4. Find a nice open area to park and set up shop. After doing all this, item number five was added to the list. 5. Take a nap. But it wasn’t the nap that really sealed their fate. It was the nice open area they decided to park in. It was the police department parking lot. Oops. They’re busted.

Our bozo for today comes from Boulder, Colorado, where the security staff at the County Justice Center thought they had seen everything. Until our bozo showed up with his backpack. The X-ray machine operator took a good look at his belongings. Cell phone. Ok. Earbuds. Ok. Some change. Ok. Iguana. Huh? Yep, our bozo just couldn’t bear to be separated from his pet iguana for even a few minutes, so he stuffed him in his backpack and tried to bring him into the center. Security guards pointed out the “Only service animals allowed” sign applies to iguanas. Neither or bozo nor his lizard were allowed inside.