Author: dave

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Edgewater, Florida that sounds like it could have come directly from a Cheech and Chong movie. Apparently bozo Jasper Lucas had himself a nice indoor pot farming operation, but like any pot smoker, he was just a bit paranoid. One day while tending his plants, he heard the sound of a helicopter overhead. And of course he immediately assumed it was a SWAT team looking for him. So he did what any bozo would do in such a situation…he called 911 to confess. He’s busted! Oh, and that helicopter he heard? It was actually from a TV news station going to the scene of another crime.

Bozo criminal for today from Indio, California, had it all planned out. He broke into the ceiling of the local YMCA, crawled through the ventilation system in the ceiling and then dropped down into a room below. It was dark, but in the dim light he could make out the shape of a cash register. He stumbled over to it, opened the drawer and grabbed the cash inside. Surveillance footage then shows him re-entering the ceiling and making a clean getaway. Sounds like a successful crime…so what makes him a bozo? Well, remember we told you it was dark. And the room he dropped into was a children’s play room. And the cash register was a toy. And the money he took was play money. Oops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the the International File in Adelaide, Australia where the cops got a report of a suspicious red Mazda and a man loitering in the street. Upon arrival, the cops spotted a red Mazda and when it passed them, they noticed something unusual. The steering wheel just didn’t look exactly right. When they pulled our bozo over they discovered that, for reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, the wheel had been replaced with a frying pan. Yep, he was using a skillet to steer the car. They also discovered the vehicle ID number had been altered and the car was unregistered and uninsured. The car has been impounded and he’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from the International File in Sydney, Australia. The cops were looking for teenage bozo Amy Wilson, 18, who had escaped from a correction center. So, they distributed a mugshot of her to the news outlets and one of the TV stations posted it on their Facebook page. Teenage Amy was horrified by the fashion faux pas that was her mugshot and she wasted no time in replying to the station’s post and asking them to please replace that horrible picture with a better looking one. Good idea for fashionistas. Bad idea if you’re a bozo on the run. The cops were able to track down the location the photo was posted from and our bozo is now back in custody.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Washington, D.C., where a police officer was enjoying lunch at a local McDonalds when two women approached his table. They started up a conversation and one of the women began eating the french fries from his container. The officer warned her to cease and desist, telling her he had paid for that food and she could be arrested for theft. It was then that our bozo sealed her fate by replying, “Well, then, you might as well take me to jail.” Busted! She’s been charged with French Fried Potato theft.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Detroit, Michigan, where state troopers attempted to pull over a BMW sedan for having illegally tinted windows. Our bozo was having none of it and fled, leading the cops on a high speed chase, running several red lights and taking “several evasive maneuvers.” After a time, the officers lost sight of our bozo and called off the chase. A corresponding investigation did turn up our bozo’s name and address. When the police arrived at his residence, they found our bozo standing outside the BMW smoking a marijuana cigarette. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Westerly, Rhode Island, where the cops were called to a report of a disturbance at a residence. Even cops who thought they had seen everything were surprised at what they found upon arrival at the scene. They knocked upon the door of bozo Jeffrey Martin, who reportedly had been having an argument with his neighbor. Our bozo answered the door shirtless with corn kernels stuck to his chest. Further investigation found that the neighbors had been feuding for a while before our bozo took it to the next level. He was using a gun fabricated out of PVC pipe that uses a light accelerant such as hair spray that can be ignited. Such guns called “potato guns” because that is what is usually fired out of them. Guess he didn’t have any spuds around, as our bozo was firing round after round of corn cobs at his neighbor’s house. He’s been charged with disorderly conduct and firing in a compact area.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Carpinteria, California, where bozo Christian Hansen went fishing, but not for what you might expect. The police there had set up a drug drop box to allow residents to safely dispose of unused drugs and medications. As you might expect, this proved to be entirely too tempting for a bozo to resist. So he rigged up some cord with a fishing hook and dropped it into the box. It was proving to be a sweet fishin’ hole as our bozo had reeled in several packages of drugs and syringes before someone spotted him. He’s been charged with possession of stolen property, petty theft, possession of burglary tools, prowling, possession of controlled substances…and fishing without a license.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Harrodsburg, Kentucky. Our bozo had what seemed to be a good plan for robbing vehicles. First, he donned a mask to conceal his identity. Then, he broke into the offices of CC Auto Parts & Service and pried open a lock box containing the keys to vehicles on the company’s lot. He then went about opening up the cars and stealing anything of value left in them. As we have seen many times before, being a bozo is exhausting work. And, after breaking into a few cars, our bozo decided to take a little break. That’s where the cops responding to a report of a burglary found him, sound asleep in the driver’s seat of a vehicle.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kansas City, Kansas, where 70-year-old John Shafer had a big fight with his wife. During the course of the argument he told her he’d rather be in jail than at home with her. And he wasn’t kidding. He headed down to the local bank, handed the teller a note saying he had a gun and wanted money. The teller gave him $3000 and instead of heading to the exit our bozo calmly sat down in the lobby. He told his story to the security guard who called the cops. The cash was returned to the bank and our bozo was incarcerated. No comment at this point from his wife.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stuart, Florida, where local cops tweeted a photo of Bozo Michael Yates as their “Wanted of the Week”. Must have been a really good picture, too, as our bozo adopted the shot as his Facebook profile picture. Not the best idea. The cops used the photo to ID our bozo as a suspect in a disturbance on Monday and he was arrested on outstanding warrants. And to add insult to injury, a bag of marijuana fell from his pants as he was being taken into custody.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Oak Bluffs, Massachusetts. Bozo Felix Walker had a rather unsuccessful Bozo adventure. First, cops responded to a neighborhood call of a vehicle theft around 2:30 pm. Witnesses said he didn’t get very far in the car before crashing it and running away. Now, any normal thief might think today wasn’t his day and lay low for a while. But not our bozo. Instead, he broke into a nearby home, rummaged around, stole a few items and then, before leaving, spray painted the family dog purple. And that was his big mistake. When the officers located our bozo for questioning the purple paint on his pants was a dead giveaway. He’s been charged with intent to commit a felony, larceny of a motor vehicle and cruelty to animals. And, by the way, the dog is recovering nicely.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Edmond, Oklahoma. Police are investigating a series of burglaries in which residences and cars have been broken into and numerous items stolen. In looking into the case, the cops discovered two valuable clues. First, one of the residences had a security camera which provided a good picture of the thieves. And second, our bozos had a very definite pattern of activity, which they were able to trace from receipts from stolen credit cards. After each and every theft, our bozos headed straight to Walmart to make some big purchases. And, then, immediately after, they went to Whataburger to celebrate with cheeseburgers, fries and a soda. Cops expect to make an arrest soon.

Our bozo for today comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. In Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, our love struck Romeo came up with a unique way to impress his date, but it turned out to be unique in a way he never planned. He climbed to the roof of a building and was going to show his girlfriend his athletic prowess by jumping from one building to another. Epic fail. He didn’t clear the gap and fell down into the space between the two buildings, where he promptly became stuck, suspended five feet above the ground. He stayed in this position for three hours while fire crews tried to figure out what to do. Finally, after a paramedic rappelled down to talk to him, the crew broke through three walls and removed our bozo. He was OK, except for a broken ankle. Business owners are considering pressing charges. No word on whether the girlfriend was impressed.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pembroke Pines, Florida, and we can only assume, like in the famous scene in the Woody Allen movie, he was a crook with very poor handwriting. Our bozo used a handwritten note to try to rob a Wells Fargo bank and then headed across the street to a nearby Chase bank. He used a different approach here, using his smartphone to type a robbery note. He had handed the phone to the teller when the cops arrived and placed him under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Naples, Italy, where our bozos had quite an elaborate plan. They planned to use the city’s sewer system to break through the floor of the expensive Bulgari jewelry store. And of course, any robbery must also include an exit plan. And that’s where they got into trouble. Before actually breaking into the store, our bozos dug getaway holes for themselves just outside the shop. And that’s what attracted the attention of the cops. They’re busted! The cops say they “have a deep-rooted problem.”

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. Our bozo for today was partying with her friends and somehow avoided arrest when one of her girlfriends was picked up for driving drunk and also being naked from the waist down. So, after dodging one bullet, she decided to go home and sleep it off, right? Wrong. She made her way over to where her pickup was parked and headed down to the district courthouse to pick up her friend. Bad, bad idea. The cops arrested her in the courthouse parking lot and took her inside to join her friend.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Dayton, Ohio, where the cops were called to a report of a disturbance on a neighborhood street. Even they were surprised by what they found. A very drunk bozo, pants down around his ankles, attempting to have sex with the grill of a parked van. Yikes. He’s been charged with two counts of public indecency and is under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lebanon, Maine where bozo Mary Hampton had a plan…or at least part of a plan. Part one of the plan was to break into a business and steal the safe. Side door of business smashed, safe removed. Check and check. It was step three of the plan where things started to go wrong: Open safe. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, she decided the best way to open the safe was to run over it with her car. Which might have worked except for one small thing. The safe, instead of breaking open, became lodged underneath the vehicle. Needless to say, this attracted quite a bit of attention from other motorists. The cops were called and our bozo was placed under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International file in Wellington, New Zealand. Our bozos were looking for something to steal and they thought they had hit the motherlode when they spotted a box full of chemicals inside a truck. Thinking it was the ingredients for manufacturing methamphetamine, they broke in and fled with the box of stuff. Unfortunately, the stuff was not what they expected. The truck they broke into belonged to a company that is involved in protecting New Zealand’s native species. And one of the species they are researching is the New Zealand stoat, or short tailed weasel. The chemicals in the containers was anal-gland oil from the stoat, one of the foulest smelling chemicals on earth. Not sure what our bozos did with the stuff but if the cops want to find them, they should just follow their nose.