Author: dave

Bozo criminals for today come from Halifax, Nova Scotia, where comedian Ian Black was out walking with a friend when he was accosted by a couple of bozos. But this was not to be an ordinary robbery. After punching Black, our bozos demanded that he remove his pants and hand them over. When he refused, our bozos fled empty handed. The police were called and were in the process of interviewing the victim when one of our bozos returned to the scene of the crime. Apparently he had dropped his cell phone in the tussle and was hoping to retrieve it. Bad idea. He’s under arrest, charged with assault and attempted trouser theft.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mobile, Alabama, where bozo Raven Barker was hungry. Really hungry. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, she decided to break into the offices of a local law firm and fix herself a sandwich in the firm’s kitchen. Not surprisingly, she set off an alarm and, when officers arrived, they found our bozo on a couch enjoying her snack. It was her response upon seeing the officers that landed her in the Bozo Report. She fainted dead away. The cops took her to the hospital and when no medical issues were found, she was charged with third degree burglary.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the the International File in Glogow, Poland, where officers arrived at an apartment complex to arrest our bozo on allegations including stealing a car, a motorcycle and a bicycle. The man did not answer the door and officers spotted him jumping from his second floor apartment and crawling into a first floor apartment through an open window. This apartment was unoccupied and the cops received permission to search it but initially found nothing. The search continued until one of the officers decided to take a little peek inside the dishwasher. Bingo! He was found hiding inside. He’s now under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from North St. Paul, Minnesota, where cops were called to a report of a gunshot. When they arrived, they discovered a stray bullet had broken a glass window and lodged in the bedroom of a residence. Searching the area, the cops soon found 24-year old bozo Ryan Todd walking around with an AR-15 rifle. It was his reason for firing the shot that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told police that, since the cops weren’t doing anything about the zombie infestation of the neighborhood, he had no choice but to take things into his own hands. Yep, he was walking around taking pot shots at “zombies.” Police were able to find no evidence of the walking dead and our bozo was taken into custody.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Colfax, Louisiana, where the police were called to a residence on a report of a man dressed only in a bath towel, carrying a knife and talking to trees. When the cops arrived, they found bozo David Mitchell on his front porch in an agitated state. He asked the cops for help, telling them there were people in the trees and ghosts inside his house. The cops weren’t able to find any ghosts or tree people but they did find our bozo to be in possession of crystal meth. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Marathon, Florida, where McDonalds employees called the cops after a customer fell asleep in the drive-thru and they could not wake her up. Deputies arrived and, after pounding on the window for some time, finally awakened our bozo. She, in turn, woke up the male passenger. Cops noticed a strong smell of alcohol and neither of our bozos could produce a drivers license. After refusing to take a field sobriety test, our bozo was placed under arrest. Her companion was found to have three DUI convictions in the past and is a convicted sex offender who had not registered since moving to Monroe County. No word on the fate of the Big Mac.

While all of us at the Bozo Report admit that doing a good donut on a wet road can be fun, there’s a time and place for everything. And that time and place is not during a curfew imposed by authorities because of an approaching hurricane. And it’s certainly not in front of a news crew that is doing a live report. But that’s exactly what bozo Brandon Mason did the other evening as hurricane Matthew approached the Florida coast. The cops took time from preparing for the storm to track him down and place him under arrest.

Our bozo for today comes from the International File in Dundee, Scotland, where the cops were called to a report of a traffic backup on a local road. Initial reports were of someone standing in the road. When the officers arrived, they found that it wasn’t someone but something. Police found a chicken attempting to cross the road and causing a huge traffic backup. They did the only thing they knew to do…they captured the chicken and took him into custody. At this point, no charges have been filed as the search for the jaywalking bird’s owner continues.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in London, England, where the cops were called to a report of a car being driven the wrong way on the M6 highway. The cops arrived to find our bozo slowly driving the wrong way on the shoulder of the road. After he ignored orders to stop, the cops followed him for five miles until he finally exited. Not surprisingly, when he was finally pulled over, the cops found the car packed with 26 pounds of marijuana. He’s been charged with possession of a controlled substance, dangerous driving and failing to stop.

Our bozo for today gives us a rather unique answer to the question, what do you do if you have an outstanding warrant and are pulled over by the cops? Bozo Tori Nelson was a passenger in a car that was stopped by the cops in connection with a hit and run in Hollywood, Florida. It was then that she took the bozo approach to concealing her identity. She shoved her ID up her, um, most private lady area. Apparently it was in there to stay, as when she was taken to the county jail for processing, it showed up on an X-Ray the medical staff did. And to add to her problems, as she was being escorted out of the jail to be taken to the hospital for removal, she squatted and peed in front of the facility. She faces charges from the outstanding warrant as well as additional charges of indecent exposure.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Killingly, Connecticut, where bozo Aaron Norris was involved in a domestic disturbance. The cops said our bozo was fighting with several people, smashed the window of a truck and drove a pickup truck in their direction when they arrived. He then crashed his truck through some hedges and fled at a high rate of speed. The cops lost track of him after he ran several red lights. End of story, right? Wrong. Our bozo just couldn’t wait to get home and post the whole story on social media, ending the post with “I won.” No he didn’t. The used his post to track him down and he was placed under arrest on charges of domestic violence, disorderly conduct, harassment, reckless endangerment and numerous other charges.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Manchester, New Hampshire, where bozo Nicholas Dixon attempted to shoplift several items from a local grocery store. Staff members noticed what he was doing and stepped in to stop him. However, before they could detain him, he whipped out a can of pepper spray and, instead of spraying the staff, he sprayed himself in the face. The cops were called and our bozo was placed under arrest, charged with unarmed robbery.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike Sheffield for sending in today’s doozy from Des Moines, Iowa. Bozo Taylor Haynes was stopped by the cops for a traffic violation when he fled, leading them on a high speed chase. It was what he did during the chase that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. Apparently, our bozo had a shotgun in the vehicle, and, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to toss the shotgun out of the window mid-chase. When it hit the pavement, the shotgun fired off a round, which shot out the tires of his vehicle. Our bozo bailed out of the car, but was caught by the cops after a short chase on foot. He’s under arrest, charged with possession of meth with intent to deliver and possession of a weapon.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Queensland, Australia where our bozo thought it would be fun to let his five-year-old son drive his car and even do some burnouts. The kid was so good that dad decided to make a video of his stunts and post it on Facebook. The video quickly went viral with more than four million view including the local police department who didn’t find it so charming. They paid a little visit to our bozo and, citing Australia’s anti-hooning laws, confiscated our bozo’s vehicle. They say the car will be returned after dad’s timeout is over.

Our bozos for today seemed to have a great plan but were foiled by the oldest of bozo flaws, returning to the scene of the crime. Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending this one in from Waterville, Maine. Our bozos had set up shop in a hotel room in Bangor, where they had a machine for making fake credit and gift cards using stolen account numbers. They then used the cards to purchase in excess of $11,000 in items from the local Wal-Mart. Success. So move on to another location, right? Nope. Head back to the scene of the crime to try it again? Right. And head back at the same time police officers were there talking to store employees and viewing surveillance video? Yep. They’re busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Seattle, Washington. 19-year-old bozo Chad Wilson stopped to pet someone’s dog outside CenturyLink Field on Sunday. This is not newsworthy except that when he was done petting the dog, he left his briefcase behind. The dog’s owner noticed too late to give it back to our bozo and instead handed it over to a police officer who was directing traffic outside the stadium. Hoping to find the name of the owner the cop opened the briefcase and instead found four large bags and 27 smaller bags of cocaine, a total of 154 grams, plus the man’s ID card, cell phone, a scale, 50 Valium pills and a small amount of marijuana. A traveling drug store. It didn’t take long for our bozo to realize what he had left behind. He returned to the scene and asked officers if anyone had found a briefcase, which he claimed contained some “important papers.” Rolling papers, maybe. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today from Daytona Beach Florida violated Bozo Rule Number 993029: When in need of transportation, Uber is a better choice than the nearest police cruiser. Bozo Eric Rogers didn’t get the memo as he jumped into a parked Daytona Beach police car and sped away, with the red and blue lights flashing. Not surprisingly, he didn’t get very far before being apprehended. Upon being confronted by the cops, he first apologized and then asked the Bozo Question of the Week, “This is, uh, a felony?” Yep. He’s been charged with grand theft auto with damage more than $1000, fleeing, attempting to elude and violation of parole on drug charges. Busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Pete Carran for sending in today’s report from Juneau, Alaska. Store employees at the local Sportsman’s Warehouse were on alert after a recent rash of shoplifting. They noticed bozo William Jackson acting suspiciously and when he grabbed something without paying they stopped him. Our story could end there except for one thing. His shoes. A really nice $139 dollar pair. The same pair that had been reported shoplifted only a couple of weeks ago. Yep our bozo proudly wore his stolen shoes as he returned to the scene of the crime. Only this time there was a different result. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Ottawa, Canada, where security at the Royal Canadian MintG had suspicions that someone might have been stealing “pucks”, 7.4 ounce gold nuggets from the facility. But no evidence of theft had shown up on the daily screenings that employees were required to take. And then a sharp-eyed teller at the local bank noticed something strange. Our bozo had brought in some very large checks from the Gold Buyers shop located in the same mall. She became even more suspicious when he requested to have the money wired overseas and listed the Royal Canadian Mint as his employer. Bad idea. She tipped off the cops and a search warrant revealed four of the “pucks” in our bozos safety deposit box as well as a jar of Vaseline in his locker at the mint. Yep, he had been sneaking the gold out in his butt, where it could not be detected by the metal detector. He’s busted!

Another day, another bozo who should have stayed off social media. From Scranton, Pennsylvania, comes the story of bozo drug dealer James Harper. Undercover officers made a drug purchase from him and when he was ordered to the ground, he fled, losing his cellphone in the process. Anyone else who had such a close call with the cops would lay low for a while, but not our bozo. He fled to the residence of an acquaintance nearby where he immediately got on her computer. He went to his Facebook account and began warning friends and customers to not try to contact him via his lost cell phone, telling them, “Ima b off fb 4 a hot minute don’t call my phone.” The cops, who were searching the area, caught up to him while he was still frantically typing on the computer. He was arrested on multiple drug charges as well as counts of burglary, evidence tampering, resisting arrest and criminal trespass.