Bozo criminal for today comes from Dakota County, Minnesota, where the cops were preparing to arrest James Lucas on an outstanding controlled substance warrant. “Hold on,” our bozo said, and reached into his pocket. He whipped out a Monopoly “Get Out Of Jail Free” card and handed it to the officer. After the cop quit laughing, he continued with the arrest. And that $200 you just collected isn’t any good, either.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Stuart, Florida, where the Miss Sailfish Regatta Bikini Contest took an ugly turn. After the 11 bikini clad girls left the stage, 24 year-old bozo Kaitlyn Harper got into an argument with another contestant, who also happens to be dating our bozo’s former boyfriend. Things got more heated and bozo Kaitlyn took off her turquoise platform high heel shoe and clobbered the other girl with it, leaving a lump on her head. Police had to be called to separate the two contestants and our bozo, who was on probation at the time, was charged with misdemeanor battery. No word on who won the contest.
It’s another first in the Bozo Criminal Report…a story involving the Queen of England. Our bozo for today from West Yorkshire, England dialed 999, the English 911 equivalent, to report that Queen Elizabeth was not wearing a seatbelt while riding in a car during a public appearance. West Yorkshire police confirmed that she was indeed not wearing a seatbelt but the low-speed appearance was at the Palace of Westminster, not in Yorkshire and therefore out of their jurisdiction. And furthermore, the Queen is immune from prosecution so nothing could be done. Our bozo caller received a stern warning that the 999 line is for emergencies only and not for reporting royal mis-steps.
The Bozo Criminal Report wishes Jack Webb and Johnny Carson were still around to describe this one from Herkimer County, New York. Police made a massive raid on a cockfighting ring over the weekend and confiscated about 200 fighting cocks. The prize roosters were taken to a police owned barn for safekeeping. End of story, right? Wrong. Apparently, these birds are very valuable to the folks who enjoy this disgusting sport. So valuable that a couple of bozos decided to try to break in and steal the chickens. They broke a padlock on the front gate before the cops were alerted. The chickens are still safe. Our bozos are under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Durham, North Carolina, where bozo Rollin Carson broke into a residence and demanded the family hand over their money. But he didn’t stop there. He then held them at gunpoint and forced them to drive to an ATM. From there, he directed them to a nearby Target, where he had them shop for him, purchasing several items of clothing and gift cards. One of the family members told a Target employee what was going on and the cops were called. They discovered our bozo was also wanted on several other outstanding warrants. He’s jailed under $41 million bond.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Newcastle, England, where bozo Michael Cooper broke into the residence of an 83-year-old woman. Unfortunately for him, the woman was at home at the time and when she heard a noise she came out of her bedroom to find him sitting in her living room. Obviously realizing she was not the kind of woman to challenge, our bozo fled through the back door. The cops were called and they discovered that our bozo’s hasty exit had been caught by security cameras. One of the officers noticed something familiar in the video. Our bozo’s hairline. Yep, he recognized a distinctive bald patch as belonging to a lifelong criminal who had spent most of the last decade in jail. He was tracked down and was arrested even after he offered up the excuse that he was only “looking for his dog.”
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Modesto, California. Police and the fire department were called to the local Walgreens after a report of a fire in the bathroom. It was our bozo’s explanation that landed him in our story. He told the cops that he “had a accident” and was trying to remove his underpants, but couldn’t. So he did what any bozo would do. He took out his lighter and lit his underwear on fire. The drawers went up in flames quickly and our bozo panicked, tossing them into the toilet. The flames were quickly extinguished but smoke filled the store, causing it to be evacuated. This could all have been just a very embarrassing incident except for the fact that our bozo had two outstanding felony warrants. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Gainesville, Florida, where police arrested bozo Denise Baker on charges of stealing $93,000 from her employer, the city of Gainesville. The cops haven’t revealed exactly how she stole all the money, but her reason for the the theft landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. She apparently used at least some of the money to get herself a butt lift. Guess that’s not covered under Obamacare.
Bozo Criminal for today comes from Pinson, Alabama, where the police were called to a report of a stolen vehicle. When they arrived on the scene, they spotted a Kenworth T-300 flatbed delivery truck driving very slowly on the service road. A slow-speed chase ensued and continued onto I-59 where the truck’s transmission seized and the big rig came to a stop. Upon questioning, our bozo revealed that he just couldn’t figure out how to get the truck out of first gear. He’s under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Santa Clara, California. Our bozos broke into a warehouse and stole thousands of dollars worth of electronic devices which they probably mistook for cell phone chargers. Things didn’t go well from the get-go as one of the crooks took a beer out of the company fridge and cut his hand in the process, leaving behind fingerprints and blood evidence. But it only got worse from there. The company president informed the cops that what our bozos had actually stolen were GPS trackers, which are used to track shipments of bananas and other products worldwide. Oops. Using the company’s software, the cops were able to determine the exact location of the stolen goods and our bozos were quickly placed under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Gillette, Wyoming, where police were called to the local Walmart on a report of a shoplifting. Our bozo was found to be in possession of three flat screen televisions, valued at more than $2000. A search of her dorm room found thousands of dollars worth of stolen items. Her explanation for the theft is the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told the cops she was working on a term paper on kleptomania and was simply doing research. The cops graded her an “F” on this one.
Another day, another misuse of 911 story. This one comes from Brevard County, Florida, where bozo Jonathan Cox called 911 and asked for a ride to the Merritt Island Hooters restaurant, saying his grandmother had suffered a stroke in the parking lot. Deputies spent three hours hunting for the woman who was nowhere to be found, while our bozo was supposedly enjoying his chicken wings. When they finally contacted her at her home, she was fine and told them that she had told him to move out earlier in the day. Oops. Our bozo was tracked down and found with his girlfriend, this time at the local Burger King. He was arrested and charged with 911 abuse.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Waco, Texas, where the cops received a 911 call from a local fast food joint. Nope, the call did not come from employees who felt threatened. Instead the call came from an irate customer who was mad because she felt it was taking them too long to prepare her order of chicken nuggets. Two officers were dispatched and the woman was now demanding they give her the nuggets for free. No deal. She was sent on her way with a stern warning to not use 911 for chicken nugget complaints again.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Lakeland, Florida, where bozo William Hampton walked into the local 7-Eleven. And he walked out with a lot more than what he came in with. Police say our bozo grabbed 15 bottles of Pennzoil motor oil and 30 DVDs and stuffed them down his pants before waddling out. As luck would have it, a plainclothes detective had just pulled up at the store and noticed something unusual about our bozo and his pants. He was arrested on petit theft charges, which was upgraded to a felony since it was his third arrest on the charge.
At this point, there is no known criminal activity, but some people could be criminally intoxicated before the day is over. A bar in Washington, D.C. is opening at 9:30 am today to show televised coverage of James Comey’s testimony before a Senate panel. The kicker is, the bar will buy a round of drinks for the house every time President Trump tweets about Comey. Yikes. The drink special continues until Comey’s testimony is over or until 4 pm. No word if the bar will be providing transportation for all the over-served patrons at the end of the day.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where a weird hockey tradition resulted in a bozo being charged. For many years, there has been a tradition in Detroit of throwing octopus onto the ice during Red Wings games. Fans of the Nashville Predators started a tradition of tossing catfish onto the ice in 2003. While that may be fine in Nashville, it didn’t go over so well recently in Pittsburgh when bozo Predators fan Jacob Waddell tossed a fish onto the ice during the Stanley Cup final. Our bozo was quickly arrested and charged disorderly conduct, disrupting a meeting and possession of an instrument of crime. And just how did he get this “instrument of crime” into the arena? He said he ran over the poor fish with his truck to flatten it and then stuffed it into his pants. Watch our for those sharp fins!
Bozo criminal for today from Okaloosa County, Florida was foiled by modern technology. Bozo Chandler Baker stole a cellphone when the owner let him borrow it to use during a party. The owner contacted the cops, who used their cellphone to place a Facetime call to the thief. Of course he answered it. The cop then took a screenshot of our bozo’s smiling face. He was positively ID’ed by the owner and our bozo was arrested and charged with grand theft.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Augusta, Maine. Our bozo walked into City Center offices and dumped a cup full of live bedbugs on the counter. City employees scrambled to corral the bugs but, in spite of their efforts, they flew around, causing the entire city office complex to be closed. A bug control swat team was called in and the offices were exterminated. Our bozo was tracked down and he said he unleashed the bedbug attack after being turned down for government assistance. Officials are trying to figure out exactly what to charge him with.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Darlington, South Carolina where we have another bozo foiled by modern technology. It seems bozo Ezekiel Moore had carjacking on his mind. He yanked the driver out of the car in a hospital parking lot and attempted to drive away. Only one problem, the driver had the key fob in his pocket, and the engine shut down before our bozo could leave the area. He then tried to lock himself in the car, but the owner kept unlocking the doors using the key fob. The cops were called and our bozo was quickly placed under arrest.
Bozo criminals for today from Everett, Washington, obviously forgot Bozo Rule Number 2230382: Don’t use a blowtorch when there’s cash involved. Our bozos had the bright idea of using a cutting torch to break into an ATM. While the torch did cut the metal of the ATM, it also incinerated all the cash inside. Our bozos got away with nothing, but they did leave something behind. A nice clear picture of them on the security camera. The cops have already ID’ed the suspects and expect to make an arrest shortly.