Author: dave

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Diego, California, where our bozo had his sites on a real nice three speed Electra bicycle which he had spotted parked in a garage. He grabbed the bike and was getting ready to make his getaway when the owner’s dog approached. He wasn’t in guard dog mode, instead he was in “aren’t I cute, pet me” mode. Our bozo was taken in by the canine charm and got of the bike to give the dog some love. And it just so happened that getting in position to pet the dog also brought him into clear focus of the home’s security cameras. Oops. Cops were able to use the video to ID our bozo and place him under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John Schenato for sending in today’s report from Lancaster County, Nebraska, where the 911 operator received a call from a driver reporting “someone driving on the wrong side of the road.” An officer was quickly dispatched and before anything tragic could happen he did indeed find someone driving on the wrong side of the road. Further investigation found that the guy on the wrong side of the road was the same bozo who had called 911 in the first place. Yep, he busted himself. His bozo excuse of the week was he “must have missed an exit.” The more probable cause was his blood alcohol level, which was more than twice the legal limit.

Our bozo for today comes from the International File in Suffolk, England. For nearly a year, the cops had been searching for bozo Wayne Pierce after he failed to appear in court on charges of committing nearly a million dollars in fraud. The case had gone cold when a detective happened to be checking out Match.com and whose smiling face should appear? Yep, our bozo, complete with his full dating profile. Looks like his next opportunity for a meaningful relationship will be in the jailhouse.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sharon, South Carolina, where bozo David Carter walked into a convenience store, wearing a hoodie, wig and mask and demanded cash. He pointed to a gun in his waistband as the clerk handed over $300. He made his getaway but a quick call to the cops by the clerk resulted in him being grabbed in a nearby parking lot. So what exactly makes this worthy of inclusion in the Bozo Report? It was that “gun” that was tucked in his pants. Upon further investigation, the cops discovered that it was actually a toy gun from the Nintendo game Duck Hunt which had been spray painted black. Busted! Charged with armed robbery and petty larceny.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Clay County, Missouri. You can put this one in the “What were they thinking?” file. Our bozos were involved in a routine traffic stop and as he was approaching the car the officer couldn’t help but notice the unusual personalized license plate, “WE-HIGH”. We’re not sure if they were or not but we do know they fled as he was approaching the vehicle. And that’s always a bad idea. Busted! And charged with resisting arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, where police were called to a report of a disturbance in a retail strip parking lot. Upon arrival, the cops encountered our agitated bozo, weapon in hand, threatening two people inside a parked vehicle. Looking inside, the cops observed one female, covered in rice, and rice strewn throughout the vehicle. Did we fail to mention the weapon our bozo was holding was a takeout container of fried rice from a nearby Chinese restaurant? Yep, assault with fried rice. No word on the cause of the disturbance. Rice-man was arrested and charged with misdemeanor assault and battery.

Bozo criminals for today come from Detroit, Michigan where steps A and B of the plan went well. It was step C that went awry. Step A: Head to a construction site and steal a backhoe. Check. Step B: Drive said backhoe across the street, through a parking lot and smash into a free-standing ATM. Check. Step C: Remove ATM and bust it open and escape with a ton of cash. Sorry, no check on this one. As they were turning the backhoe around, the ATM fell from the bucket and smashed to the ground. The ATM was unscathed and our bozos made a quick business decision that this caper might not be as simple as it seemed. They fled the scene, leaving the ATM and the backhoe behind. Cops are investigating.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Paducah, Kentucky. An officer was on routine patrol around 2:50 a.m. when he came upon a parked car with the engine running. And inside, three bozos, apparently asleep. A quick check of the license plate found the car was reported as stolen. When he checked to make sure they were OK, he discovered the driver was obviously under the influence of drugs. And, what’s that in the seat beside you? A bunch of used needles, and five needles believed to contain methamphetamine. And about $1400 worth of stolen merchandise. And, he’s wanted on charges of flight/escape and failure to appear on a weapons offense. Busted! Let’s count up this list of charges: Receiving stolen property, driving under the influence of a controlled substance, driving with a suspended or revoked operator’s license, first-degree possession of a controlled substance (methamphetamine) and possession of drug paraphernalia.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Saginaw, Michigan, where the cops were called to a report of a personal protection order violation stemming from domestic violence issues. Our 24 year-old bozo fled when the cops arrived, leading them on a chase through the streets of Saginaw. It was what he chose to flee on that merits his presence in the Bozo Report for today. He tried to get away from the cops on a mini-bike. You know the type, basically a bicycle with a lawn mower engine strapped on. Anyway, he could almost have walked faster, as the 15 mph “chase” led the cops through city streets before coming to its expected conclusion. He’s busted! Charged with fleeing from the police, aggravated stalking and parole violation.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Indian Rocks Beach, Florida, where the cops were investigating a fraudulent use of a vacation home.They discovered our bozo had used a false ID to check himself into a 17-night stay at the resort. He was taken into custody and as he was being booked into jail he underwent a routine cavity search. And that’s when things got a whole lot worse. An officer discovered a .22 caliber round of ammunition that was “positioned underneath the suspect’s testicles.” Yep, of all the places to hide a bullet, our bozo had chosen the seemingly safe location just adjacent to the old family jewels. Well, sorry, pal, but that adds another felony charge. You’re busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Macomb Township, Michigan, where police were on a routine patrol through an apartment complex when they came upon some definite bozo activity. Officers observed a Mercedes SUV in the parking lot with headlights and interior lights on. One bozo remained inside the vehicle while bozo number two appeared to be frantically searching for something on the ground. Further investigation revealed that a large amount of pills had been spilled on the pavement and our bozo was trying to scoop them up. A check of said bozo’s backpack found $2000 in cash wrapped in a rubber band and Xanax, Adderall and other opiates. Oh, and did we mention there was additionally a large amount of cash in the driver’s side door and a white powdery substance on the seat? Busted! Charged with possession with intent to distribute.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mankato, Minnesota, where the cops were called to a report of a disturbance at a restaurant. Upon arrival, the officers found our distraught victim who was suffering from a “stinging pain” in her back as the result of an assault. So perhaps she had been hit with an object, maybe a baseball bat? Nope. Maybe someone had battered her with his fist? No way. She was hit with barrage of Skittles? Yep. She told the cops a man with a tattoo on his face had entered the restaurant and “began throwing Skittles at employees and customers.” Apparently she was the only person injured in the attack. Using the description she gave they were able to track down our Skittles perp and place him under arrest, charged with assault and possession of marijuana and LSD. No reason for the attack was given.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Las Cruces, New Mexico. Cops were called to a report of a suspicious man in a park next to the Moongate Church. Upon arrival, the cops found our bozo placing some items into his backpack. He then offered up a series of Bozo Excuses to explain his presence at the church at midnight. First, he said he was there to use the church’s electricity to charge his laptop. And what about those items he was placing into his backpack? His reply, “They’re not drugs. It’s gunpowder.” And what’s that pipe, with wires attached, and, isn’t that a battery? Looks like the parts to a pipe bomb. His answer: Those items were just “randomly” placed into his backpack. And those syringes? “Well they’re not heroin, they’re methamphetamine. No further questions. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Charleston, West Virginia. It seems there have been a number of break-ins in the area recently and apparently someone decided to take matters into his own hands. Police responded to a call of a break-in at a secluded cabin that had been the target of thieves on several occasions. Only this time what the cops found was just…weird. Our four bozo would-be thieves were found lying on the ground with their hands tied behind their backs and the tires on their getaway vehicles flattened. Also inside those vehicles were a number of items that had been taken from the cabin. Our bozos told the officers that a masked man surprised them, quickly subduing them and reading them their rights while making a citizen’s arrest. He then just as quickly disappeared, no doubt in a cloud of dust with his faithful Indian companion by his side.

Our story for today from Tulsa, Oklahoma, proves once again that the combination of a bozo and modern technology is a truly dangerous thing. It seems bozo Steph Hurd was in search of an apartment so he headed down to a local real estate firm where they asked him to fill out some basic paperwork. And in the process of filling out the application, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to AirDrop a picture of himself to a couple of employees in the real estate office. A naked picture of himself. Bad idea. While he continued to fill out paperwork the cops were called and he was placed under arrest. Oh, and it looks like when he gets out, he’ll continue to live with his parents as his application for an apartment was denied.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Espanola, New Mexico, where a woman headed down to the local Sonic Drive-In looking for one of their famous foot-long Coneys. Now for those of you not familiar with Sonic, they feature a hot dog smothered in chili and cheese and served on a foot-long bun. They come with a variety of condiments, but one of them is NOT cocaine. But that’s what she found when she bit into the weiner, a small plastic bag containing a white powder. According to the cops, surveillance video from the kitchen shows our bozo making some sort of transaction with another employee and then “frantically searching the area as if he’d lost something.” Yep, somehow the coke ended up on the Coney. After admitting the cocaine belonged to him, he was busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Ozark County, Missouri. Dispatch sent officers to investigate a possible hostage situation after receiving a call from a concerned citizen. Apparently text messages had been sent by two men who claimed they were being held at gunpoint by two males who had broken into their home. The Multi-Jurisdictional Task Force was deployed and, upon arriving on the scene, successfully removed the two “victims” from the house. However, a thorough search of the residence failed to turn up the two alleged hostage-takers. Maybe they escaped? Well…maybe not. Upon interrogation, it was determined the whole situation was a result of a drug-induced hallucination caused by the use of methamphetamine. Busted! And charged with possession of a controlled substance and filing a false report.

Our bozo for today from Traverse City, Michigan was working on getting his life in order. And part of that goal was to have a drunk driving charge from 14 years ago expunged. Good idea, right? Well maybe not if you are a certified bozo. Part of the expungement process involved an appearance at a Michigan State Police post. While he was being fingerprinted, one of the officers noticed a smell of alcohol and other signs that he was intoxicated. Uh-oh. A blood draw indicated he was indeed inebriated. He now faces a new DUI charge.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Catamount for sending in today’s report from Springfield, Colorado, where cops pulled over our bozo for doing 52 mph in a 30 mph zone. The officer noticed some commotion in the front seat as he approached the vehicle. And then, our bozo was then seen exiting the passenger side of the vehicle while in the driver’s seat was…his dog. Yep, he switched places with the dog and then went on to blame him for the speeding violation. When he couldn’t explain how the dog’s feet would reach the gas pedal, he was arrested and taken into custody for speeding and two outstanding warrants. The dog does not face charges and was let go with just a warning.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Raymond, Maine, where a man offered up a 2006 GMC Yukon Denali for sale on Facebook Marketplace. He quickly received a cash offer for more than the asking price. Sounds good, right? Wrong…if the person doing the offering is a bozo. Our bozo presented the seller with an envelope full of cash and walked quickly to the SUV and drove away. The reason for the hasty exit? The “cash” was fake bills used as movie props. Uh-oh. The seller gave chase and also called the cops, who quickly pulled our bozo over. He offered up the Bozo Excuse that he had “just been paid” and didn’t realize the money was fake. Tell it to the judge. He’s busted!