Author: dave

Our bozo for today from Austin, Texas is a new take on an old problem. In the past, we’ve had numerous reports of bozos whose attempts to steal a car were foiled when they couldn’t drive a standard transmission car. Bozo Cory Adams attempted to carjack a Chevy Bolt at a stoplight. The driver abandoned the car but instead of speeding away, our bozo found himself stumped by the electric vehicle’s controls. He was still trying to figure things out when a bystander saw what was going on, grabbed a machete, and held our bozo until the police arrived. We have no explanation as to why the bystander was carrying a machete, other than the fact that it IS Austin.

Bozo criminal for today from Gainesville, Florida, violated seldom seen Bozo Rule Number 111-997-6: It’s not a good idea to honk your horn at police officers while they are conducting an investigation. The cops were working a crash in midtown when our bozo pulled up and started honking his horn. And not just a couple of beeps, either, he was really laying into it. So, the police approached his vehicle and immediately noticed the smell of marijuana wafting out of the window. Inside they found a handgun, a loaded magazine and ten thousand dollars in cash. Looking further, they found several other weapons, five mason jars full of marijuana, a hundred grams of cocaine and a baseball bat. Yikes! He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hartford, Connecticut, where bozo Jonathan Ramirez was scheduled to appear in court on vehicle theft charges. He showed up on time, parked his car, and went inside the courthouse. So far, so good, right? Well, not exactly. Hartford Parking Authority agents regularly scan license plates looking for parking violators around the courthouse. They got a hit on a white Subaru. It showed up as stolen, so they decided to keep an eye on it. His appearance before the judge done, our bozo walked out of court and got into the car. Yep, he had stolen a car to drive to court to appear on vehicle theft charges. Bad idea. You can add new charges of second degree larceny to his list of problems.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Lincoln, Nebraska, where the cops pulled over 21-year-old bozo Charles Harrison for driving erratically. Taking a look inside the car, the cops spotted something rather unusual. Peeking out from under front passenger’s seat was a plastic sour cream container. And written on that 16 oz tub were the words, “Not Weed.” Not exactly correct. Inside the container, 11.4 grams of marijuana. He’s busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from Peoria, Arizona, where police officers approached a suspicious car at a gas station. Instead of cooperating, our two bozos jumped out and started running, looking for a place to hide. Straight ahead there was a big building with a fenced area in the back. Great hiding place, right? Wrong. Maybe you bozos should look up and read the big sign above the door that says “Peoria Police.” Male bozo number one jumped over that fence right into a secure area where the police were training. Arrested. Female bozo number two tried to hide underneath a bench. Arrested. They’ve been charged with shoplifting, trespassing and drug charges.

Our bozo for today comes from Essexville, Michigan, where police were called to a report of a dementor flying around the neighborhood. As a note of clarification, “dementors” are magical beings from the Harry Potter series that can suck out a human’s happiness and create a general feeling of coldness, misery and despair. So quite obviously you wouldn’t want these dark-hooded characters flying around your neighborhood. Offices were dispatched and the “dementor” was quickly captured. Wasn’t a real dementor, though, just a black trash bag hanging from a tree limb. The bag is now in custody.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bonita Beach, Florida where it seemed our bozo robber had it all planned out. Getaway vehicle: A white bicycle. Not the best but should be OK. Disguise: Red shirt over his face. Check. Target: 7-Eleven. They’re always a good place to grab some quick cash. Weapon: His finger. Huh? Yep. His finger. Our unidentified bozo rode to the 7-Eleven on his bike, pulled the shirt over his head, pointed his finger in a gun shape and walked in and demanded the clerk empty the register. Shocker. The clerk refused. Our bozo was last seen riding his bike down Imperial Shores Boulevard, no doubt planning his next big heist.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in this gem from Hazle Township, Luzerne County, Pennsylvania, where the cops were called to a residence with a report of a rather unusual robbery. The homeowner told the officers that he was cooking a pot of meatballs on a stove in his garage around 2:30 pm. He left the pot unattended for a moment and when he returned, it was gone. He saw the pot laying in the street, sans meatballs. After a quick look around the neighborhood, the cops came upon a suspicious looking character. Further investigation revealed red sauce on his face and clothing. He’s busted! And charged with burglary, criminal trespass, and theft by unlawful taking.

Our bozo for today isn’t a criminal but his efforts deserve recognition. From Ferndale, Michigan, comes the story of a man who had a problem with skunks. A big problem, it would seem, as they were living under his house and causing quite a stink. So, he decided to fight fire with fire, literally. He threw several smokebombs into the crawlspace of the house, hoping to run the critters out. Instead, the bombs ignited wood in the crawlspace which quickly spread to the first floor of the house. By the time the firefighters arrived, the home was totally ablaze and out of control. The home was declared a total loss. And, as for the skunks…firefighters report no carcasses were found in the debris. Next time call a professional.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending us our Bozo Olympic Athlete for the morning. From Pyeongchang, South Korea, site of this year’s Winter Games, comes the story of a Russian female bobsledder. Now we all know the Russians have had a less than stellar record of playing fair at the olympic games. Our bozo for today was taking no chances, wearing a t-shirt that said, “I Don’t Do Doping” when she was arrested for testing positive for a banned substance.

Our bozo for today comes from East Lansdowne, Pennsylvania, where the cops received a rather strange 911 call. Someone called the police to tell them there was a, uh, dinosaur on the loose and he was walking down the street. The cops quickly arrived at the intersection of Melrose and Emerson Avenue, and, sure enough, there was a T-Rex just as reported. Well, not exactly just as reported. Further investigation revealed that it was a mom in a T-Rex suit walking her kid to school. Oh. Everybody stand down.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report that flips the tables on exactly who the bozo is. Authorities in Britain were thrilled over the big haul of illegal tobacco products that they had confiscated so they produced a YouTube video to show it off. Unfortunately, the video was a little too detailed, giving crooks the exact location where the 70,000 counterfeit cigarettes were stored. And, in the dark of night, our not so bozo crooks cut a 3 foot by 2 foot hole in the container and made off with the entire haul. Yep, in this case, it was bozo cops bragging about their big score and the thieves who made off with the goods, rather than the other way around. Police at this time have no leads in the case.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Dorchester, Massachusetts, where bozo Zachary Williams snatched a woman’s purse as she walked near a school. He successfully got away with her ID and $40. Unfortunately, he also lost something in the process. We’re not sure why he was carrying it, but he dropped his birth certificate while scuffling with his victim. Oh, and one more thing…he also dropped a note from his mother. The cops had no trouble tracking him down. He’s busted!

Our bozo for today comes from Moses Lake, Washington, where a bozo and his female accomplice pulled up to a convenience store and began filling up. Only instead of filling up the car’s tank, they were filling up a large garbage can in the car’s backseat with gasoline. Bad, bad idea. The problem was compounded by the fact that the woman sitting in the front seat was smoking a cigarette. Not surprisingly, the car ignited and our bozo fled, leaving his girlfriend and the large amount of marijuana in the car’s trunk behind. She was taken to the hospital and treated for burns. Cops are still looking for the pumper.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Lisbon, Portugal, where customs officials had their eye on a rather strange looking man getting off a plane from Brazil. He was walking strangely, and his but was, well, huge. After doing a quick search, he was found to be wearing a fake derriere which contained 2.2 pounds of cocaine. He’s busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Shanghai, China, where two bozos had a plan for breaking into a shop window. They were going to use a tried and true method, hurling a brick. But, that’s not as simple as it sounds, especially when you’re a bozo. Security footage shows the two sneaking up to the window, both of them armed with bricks. The first hurls his brick and it bounces off. So bozo number two readies his projectile. Unfortunately, bozo number steps in front of him at precisely the wrong time and instead of hitting the window, the brick strikes him directly in the face, knocking him out cold. Oops. Video footage shows bozo two dragging unconscious bozo one out of camera range and attempting to revive him. We’re not sure of his fate as they were gone by the time the police arrived.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Phoenix, Arizona, where a roadside vendor had set up shop selling huge teddy bears just ahead of Valentine’s Day. Things were going well until two bozos pulled up, grabbed several of the stuffed bears and crammed them into their waiting getaway SUV. End of story, right? Wrong. They may have been thieves, but they were well aware of traffic laws, as they halted their getaway when a nearby light turned red. And that slowed them just long enough for bystanders to run up to the car, open the door and retrieve the stolen bears. Thinking better of things, our bozos left empty-handed.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bellevue, Washington, where police responded to a car wash on a report of a road rage incident. Apparently it was a minor rear-end crash between two cars and when the owner of one got out of his car to take pictures, our bozo in the other car pointed a gun at him and made threats. When the cops arrived, he had to be pulled out of his car, punching one of the officers in the face in the process. He then threatened to kill the cop and made disparaging comments about the officer’s race. Bad, bad idea. He was tased and arrested. And what makes this incident notable is our bozo’s vanity license plate: “Dirtbag.” Appropriate.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Sartell, Minnesota, where the owner of a Jeep Grand Cherokee was shopping at the local Walmart. As it was cold outside, she hit the remote start button on her key fob to get the car warmed up. And that’s when our bozo sprang into action. He noticed the unattended car running and simply opened the door and drove away. Things were going fine until our bozo reached his destination and turned the car off. When he tried to start it again, he was unable to, since he did not have a key fob. So, he did what any bozo would do. Using information he was able to find inside the vehicle, he called the car’s owner and asked for help getting it started. The owner decided to play along and our bozo gave the owner his location so On Star could find the vehicle and start it remotely. Bad idea.He was still on the phone with the owner when the cops arrived.

Bozo criminals for today come from Yucaipa, California, where the police received several complaints about hot air balloons flying dangerously close to homes. The cops responded and found two balloons that were indeed dangerously low, coming within about five feet of rooftops and skimming the tops of trees. They ordered the pilots to pull over, or in this case, come down. The pilots were warned, and, not knowing exactly what to charge them with, the cops forwarded the information to the FAA for review of any possible violations.