Author: dave

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Texarkana, Arkansas, where bozo Zemarcus Simpson had a rap concert that he really, really wanted to attend. Only problem, the show was in another state and there just wasn’t time enough to drive. So, he did what any bozo would do. He attempted to steal an airplane. Never mind that he didn’t know how to fly it. At about 2:30 AM, airport security noticed our bozo jump a fence and attempt to gain access to an American Eagle twin engine jet. By the time officers arrived our bozo was inside the plane and fiddling with the controls. Fortunately, none of the buttons he hit was “Start.” Officers boarded the plane and took our bozo into custody. When asked if he had any experience as a pilot, he replied that, while he did not, he figured all you had to do was “push some buttons and pull some levers.” He’s under felony charges of commercial burglary and theft of property.

Bozo criminal for today comes from DeLand, Florida, where bozo Angel Jones’ car had been impounded by the cops and she wanted it back. So she headed to the lot where it was being kept, told the employees she would pay the $700 impound fee but first needed to get her wallet out of the car. A tow yard employee took her to her car, handed her the keys and then she did the unexpected. She jumped in, started it up and attempted to drive away. The employee quickly called the office and told them to lock the gate, but that didn’t stop our bozo. She simply sped up and rammed the gate. However, it was stronger than she expected and, after two attempts at breaking through, she backed up and headed for the woods on the back of the property. Unfortunately for her, there was a strong fence back there, too. The car got tangled up in the fence and was stuck tight. Seeing things weren’t going as planned, our bozo surrendered after a K-9 officer was dispatched to the scene. She’s been charged with possession of methamphetamine, burglary of a conveyance, resist arrest with violence, aggravated battery, aggravated assault on a law enforcement officer, grand theft—motor vehicle, and two counts of criminal mischief over $1000.

Our bozo for today proves once again that bozos and modern technology just don’t mix. Our swiped the keys to a car, along with a wallet and other items from a locker at a gym. He then found the vehicle in the parking lot and proceeded to drive away. Or at least attempt to drive away. You see, it was a new car with an electric parking brake and our bozo didn’t know how to disengage it. The car was also equipped with a dashcam, which recorded his panic when the alarm buzzer kept going off to warn him about the brake. Finally, he found the little lever to turn off the brake, but he pulled it so hard that it broke, resulting in the brake being locked in the “on” position. The video also shows him attempting to defrost the windows and turn off the windshield wipers, which he couldn’t figure out either. Busted! Next time read the manual first!

Our bozo for today comes from the International File in London, Ontario, Canada. We’re not exactly sure what he was looking for, but our bozo grabbed a bicycle chain and smashed the glass door of a store. After going inside and taking a look around, he left empty-handed and moved to the next business. He did the same thing, smashing the glass front door. His trail of mayhem stopped there. Guess he didn’t notice the business next door wasn’t actually a retail establishment but the local police station. Oops. He was subdued with a taser and placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Austin, Texas where bozo David Gomez had the bright idea of robbing a busy local Whataburger restaurant. Only problem, he didn’t have a weapon. So, it’s time to improvise. He grabbed a pair of tongs from the kitchen and walked up to the cash register, threatening the employee with the tongs and demanding cash. His weapon didn’t cause the desired fear and an employee came to the rescue and escorted our bozo out of the restaurant while another called the cops. He was apprehended nearby and faces charges of robbery by threat.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Frederick, Maryland, where cops were called to a report of a suspicious man hanging around cars in a parking lot. When they arrived, they found bozo Matthew Richardson peering into cars, apparently looking for something of value to steal. The cops ordered him to stop, but he ignored them and tried to simply walk away. After a brief scuffle he was taken into custody and it was then he made the Bozo Offer of the Week. He told the cops he worked at Krispy Kreme and would get them free doughnuts if they would let him go. In spite of what you may have heard, this was a bad idea. He was found to be in possession of marijuana and an air pistol and was charged with trying to bribe a public officer.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sacramento, California, where our 17-year-old bozo discovered that his phone plan had used up all its data for the month. What to do? Maybe contact your provider and up the plan? Nah, too much trouble. Break into a home, wake up a sleeping couple and demand their Wifi password? Yep, that’s exactly what he did. Didn’t work out as planned, though. The homeowner got out of bed and promptly shoved out bozo out the front door before calling cops. He’s been arrested and charged with felony charges of burglary. And to compound his problems, the jail doesn’t have free wifi.

Bozo for today comes from the Don’t Steal More Than You Can Carry file. Our bozos stole a large aquarium from the PetSmart in Niles, Ohio. The cops were called and an officer spotted two bozos fleeing on a motorcycle with bozo number two trying to balance the big fish tank on his lap. Seeing that things weren’t going as planned, bozo number two jumped off the bike, shattering the aquarium in the process. He was placed under arrest. Meanwhile, bozo number one escaped on the bike, which was found abandoned a short time later behind a Chinese restaurant. Officers searching the area spotted a “nervous looking” man who immediately began to try to prune a small tree with his bare hands, telling the officer he was there to do “yard work.” Closer inspection of the security cameras ID’ed our yard man as bozo number one, who is now also under arrest.

Our bozo for today was guilty of taking an advertising slogan a little too literally. It seems 34 year-old Eric Simpson showed up at the Plaistow, New Hampshire Planet Fitness gym, where they say it is a “judgment free zone.” Not sure exactly what he was asking the patrons to judge when he stripped naked and walked through the gym a couple of times before beginning to stretch on a yoga mat. Everyone quickly got tired of seeing his shortcomings and the cops were called. Busted! And charged with indecent exposure.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Buffalo, New York, where our unidentified bozo crashed his newer model Ford Focus into a Family Dollar store. And no, it wasn’t an accident. He used the Ford as a battering ram to get access to the store’s stash of cigarettes. He grabbed 40 packs of smokes and nothing else before pulling away in his heavily damaged car. Hope he enjoyed them in a hurry, as surveillance cameras got a clear picture of him and his car.

What we have today is the Bozo equivalent of Google-ing yourself. Bozo Christian Perez of Thibodaux, Louisiana, started thinking about his legal situation…were there any active warrants out on him or not? So, he did what any bozo would do, he dialed 911, gave the operator his info and asked if she could check to see if he had any outstanding warrants. Officers were dispatched and when they asked our bozo if he knew the difference between an emergency and a non-emergency call, he replied that he did. Well, if you do, then you also understand why we’re now arresting you for abuse of the 911 system.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Josh Widdowson for sending in today’s report from Mt. Pleasant, Pennsylvania. Bozo Michael Matthews was caught up in a police sting operation at a local parking lot, after an undercover agent purchased what was allegedly heroin from him. The officer then found 106 more baggies containing what was appeared to be heroin in his pockets. This led to him offering up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops the pants he was wearing were not his. Didn’t work. He’s busted and in jail on $100,000 bail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Parkland, Florida, where we have a violation of Bozo Rule Number 3337738: Your clothing choice makes a statement, even when you’re a bozo. Our unidentified bozo had his eye on the local bank, planning to pull off a big heist. So he got himself a ski mask and a long sleeved flannel shirt, perhaps to cover up any identifying tattoos. OK, all set, mask on, shirt on, head for the front door and this should all go smoothly, right? Wrong. He didn’t account for the heatwave in Florida, with temperatures in the mid 90’s. And a guy headed to the front door wearing a mask and a long sleeved flannel shirt is bound to attract some attention, right? Yep. An alert bank employee noticed him and used the remote lock button on the front door to keep him from ever getting in. Fail! Cops are looking for him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Dover, New Hampshire, where the cops were called to a strip shopping center on a report of an attempted bank robbery. It just so happened that bozo Eric Mitchell was in the shopping center at the same time and, while he was not connected to the bank robbery, he panicked when he saw the police streaming into the lot. So, he did what any paranoid bozo would do. He rushed into a nearby grocery store and attempted to hide in the ceiling. The police were in the store looking at their surveillance cameras to see if they showed any evidence of the bank robbery when they heard a rustling above them. The next thing they knew he came partially crashing through the ceiling right above the seafood section of the deli. Our bozo scrambled to get away and broke through the ceiling in three other places before the cops finally apprehended him. Turns out he was on bail for a drug offense and thought they were coming after him. He’s been charged with criminal mischief, trespass and resisting arrest. No word on the fate of the bank robbers.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Mishawaka, Indiana, where our bozos stole a Walmart trailer full of merchandise from a store in Lansing, Illinois. Now, what do you do with a trailer full of stolen goodies? Take it home, park in in your front yard, and call all your friends to help with unloading it. Yep, that’s exactly what they did. Guess they didn’t think the trailer with “Walmart” in big letters across the side would attract any attention. They were wrong. The cops noticed and our bozos were placed under arrest. The investigation continues as to how they were able to steal an entire trailer full of merchandise without anyone noticing.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Destin, Florida, where bozo James Hightower needed a ride home. We can only assume the usual options were not available because the called the 911 operator and asked for deputies to come by and pick him up. The operator declined and told him to call the non-emergency line. Strike one. He immediately called her back and she again told him to call the regular line. Strike two. Unperturbed, he called 911 a third time, and this time was belligerent, cursing at the operator. Strike three. She kept him on the line and dispatched officers. He was still cursing her when the cops arrived. Not surprisingly, they patted him down and found him to be in possession of marijuana and Xanax. Busted! He’s charged with abuse of the 911 system, felony drug possession and misdemeanor marijuana possession.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Vancouver, Washington, where our unidentified bozo broke into a business and proceeded to make himself at home. He grabbed a phone and a TV remote before getting a beer from the fridge. He then microwaved a burrito and was enjoying it when he realized something. He had damaged the back door when breaking in and now he couldn’t let himself out. After trying all possible exits, he did what any bozo would do. He called 911 and asked the cops to come free him. The cops didn’t buy his story that he had broken into the business to call 911 because his home had been robbed. He’s busted! Oh, did we forget to tell you what the business was he broke into? The NW Escape Experience is an “escape room” where people pay to be locked in and try to find their way out. Must be harder than it sounds.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Vero Beach, Florida, where the cops were called to the local McDonalds after receiving a rather strange 911 call. A woman in the drive-thru lane called the emergency service to report the man behind her was repeatedly tapping her bumper with his car. The cops questioned our bozo and, after noticing his “red and glossy eyes” and the bottle of Jim Beam on the seat beside him, asked him if he had been “drinking and driving.” And that’s when he offered up the Bozo Defense Plea of the Year. He told the cops he was only drinking at “stop signs and red lights”, so technically he wasn’t “drinking and driving.” While he may have had a point, he still failed a field sobriety test and was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Vero Beach, Florida, where bozo Tremaine Miller was enjoying his music. Well, maybe enjoying it too much, as an officer was called to a noise disturbance complaint at his residence. When the officer approached, our bozo jumped in his car and attempted to pull away. The officer stopped him and, when he couldn’t understand the name our bozo was giving him, gave him a pen to write it down. Mistake number one: Our bozo tried to write with the wrong end of the pen. Mistake number two: When he did get the pen to write, he misspelled his own name. Mistake number three: When the officer noticed a strong smell of alcohol, our bozo denied having any and “demanded” the officer search his car. It didn’t take the officer long to find a Big Gulp cup half full of ice and booze. Busted! A blood test found him to be four times the legal limit.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sacramento, California, where our bozo rear-ended another car on I-80. Fortunately, there were no serious injuries. Unfortunately, the fuel line on our bozo’s car was punctured, causing the vehicle to burst into flames. Cops arriving on the scene were shocked to see our bozo attempting to light a cigarette in the flames coming from the car. Bad idea. He’s been arrested and charged with DUI.