Author: dave

There is absolutely no criminal activity involved in today’s story but we just couldn’t let this one go by without taking note. As you are no doubt aware, marijuana is now legal all across Canada. The legalization of pot provided a unique opportunity for one nine-year-old girl scout. After facing slow sales in her neighborhood, she decided to set up shop in front of a marijuana store on the first day pot was legalized in the Great White North. And the not unexpected result? She completely sold out in less than 45 minutes!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Norcross, Georgia, where bozo Zachary Noonan walked into a Subway and ordered a sandwich. He then jumped over the counter and got about $100 from the register and fled out the front door. Case closed. Successful robbery, right? Nope. Remember that sandwich? So did our bozo. And he went back inside to get it. Oops. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Olympia, Washington, where a cop noticed a woman driving a Prius with expired license plates. He turned on his lights, but she made no attempt to stop, driving another mile before stopping at an intersection. Then, the cop used his loudspeaker to tell her to pull over. She didn’t, but she did remain stopped in the intersection, so the cop got out and approached her car. It was then she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week, telling him, “I drive a Prius. I am not pulling over there.” She also offered up the excuse of “the tires kept popping.” After a fourth request to pull off the road was denied, the cop pulled her out of the car and when asked for her name, she said, “None of your business.” Not surprisingly, she’s under arrest, charged with failing to obey instructions, failing to identify herself, and for obstruction. No word on the fate of the Prius or its tires.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, England, where our bozo donned a ski mask, armed himself with a toy gun and walked into a convenience store. After getting some cash from the clerk, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he then took off his ski mask right in front of the video cameras. He then got caught up in a drink display, scattering cans everywhere. Then, when he got to the door, he found himself unable to open it. Because he was pushing on it rather than pulling. The clerk he had just robbed took pity on him and came an opened the door for him to escape. Police were able to get a positive ID from the video and our bozo is under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bradenton, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of disturbance at a residence. Upon arrival, they found one upset mother and one hungry son. According to reports, the 22-year-old told his mother he wanted her to cook him something to eat. Initially, she told him she was busy, but he persisted, so she grabbed a skillet and began to cook him some sausages. While cooking, she accidently bumped into him and apparently that did it. He flew into a rage and started pelting her with sausages, hitting her in the eye and eventually shoving her. That’s no way to treat mom. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Springfield, Missouri. It seems bozo Dustin Baker pled guilty to violating a restraining order and was placed on probation. Terms of the probation required that he wear an ankle bracelet. Of course, being a bozo, he couldn’t just be satisfied wearing the bracelet. Oh, no. He had to find a way to remove it, using a butter knife and a screwdriver. And, being a bozo, he just couldn’t keep this information to himself. He felt the need to post a do-it yourself video on Facebook showing the whole world how to do it. Bad idea. The cops look at Facebook, too. He’s busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from Jacksonville, Florida, where the local BP convenience store is located near a small strip shopping center. Not surprisingly there is a lot of traffic in and out of the store but some of the customers are coming in for a reason you might not expect. They come in, put an object in the microwave, turn it on, remove the object and leave. They then head to one of the other stores in the small strip. Did we forget to tell you that two of the stores in the strip are facilities that test workers for drug use? And those items that they place in the microwave? Illicit bottles of urine which they warm before going next door and passing it off as a fresh sample. Yuk. The store owner has now posted signs saying the microwaves are for food use only.

Bozo criminal for today come from Des Moines, Washington, where the cops were called to a local Safeway with a report of a woman attempting to pass counterfeit bills. Upon arrival, they found her trying to buy a $5000 prepaid Visa card using some rather strange $100’s. While the bills initially looked good, further inspection found some errors. All the serial numbers were the same. Strike one. Some of the characters on the bill were printed in a bright pink color. Strike Two. And those characters were Chinese letters. Strike Three. She’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from West Monroe, Louisiana, where the cops received a 911 call from bozo Michael Atwood, who claimed that he had been “stabbed on the head by an axe” by an intruder. Upon arrival, our bozo cursed at the cops and at first was hesitant to let them in. Once inside, they found no evidence of an intruder nor any axe wounds on his head. They did find in plain sight 1 gram of suspected methamphetamine and another gram of the stuff in a pill bottle. When asked about the meth, he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops that a “ghost” must have planted the stuff there. That one’s not gonna work. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s Bozo from the Wedded Bliss Division. Our bozo-ette, who shall remain unidentified, was the maid of honor at a wedding in Florida. Things were going well, bride and groom were married, had a bite of cake and were enjoying their first dance when our bozo picked up that bottle of Fireball. She chugged almost a whole bottle and then got a little ornery. She went up to the best man, grabbed the car keys out of his pocket, and jumped into his car. As she was backing out, she almost ran down the best man, then the groom’s brother grabbed the door and was drug a short distance before he stopped the car with the emergency brake. Guests wrestled our bozo out of the car, but she still wasn’t done. She went inside, picked up a bottle of Captain Morgan rum and guzzled it. She then started throwing punches, hitting one guest in the face before she was finally subdued. She faces charges of larceny, battery, grand theft of a motor vehicle, and violation of probation. Not surprisingly, the bride says they are no longer best friends.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Prince George County, Maryland, where our bozo used a large rock to shatter the window of a business. OK, now you’re inside, so what do you do? Security camera footage shows him picking up the same rock and attempting to use it to break the glass on a counter. No luck. It bounces off. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. And he did. This time the rock bounced off the glass and hit him in the face, knocking him to the ground. The footage shows him on the ground for several minutes before he came to and decided to give up on the whole operation. Police hope to make an ID soon, but in the meantime are looking for a bozo with a knot on his head.

Bozo criminals for today come from Colorado Springs, Colorado, where there are numerous stores selling marijuana, many with elaborate displays. And the temptation was simply too much for a group of teenagers, who smashed their van through the storefront of the Native Roots shop. They then ran inside and grabbed all the pot they could find and ran to a waiting getaway car, leaving the van running inside the store. Bad idea on a number of fronts. First the cops hope to use the van to track down the thieves. Second, the store doesn’t use real pot in the displays. What our bozos got away with was a bunch of oregano.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stuart, Florida, where our unidentified bozo is drawing the ire of his neighbors. Apparently he likes to do work outside in the nude. One of his neighbors reports he had been working on his car while naked but recently has taken to mowing the yard sans clothes. At this point police have not filed charges as he is on private property and has not touched himself improperly. It seems one errant move with a hedge trimmer could solve the whole problem.

The Bozo Criminal Report is on vacation. We’ll return the first week of October!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lawrence Township, Ohio, where the cops were called to the Giant Eagle grocery store with a report of a rather unusual theft. The store’s loss prevention manager received a tip about theft in the cold-cuts department of the deli. Further investigation revealed that an employee had a serious ham and salami addiction. It seems the deli worker had been eating up the store’s profits, to the tune of $9200 worth of stolen deli meat over the last eight years. At a cost of $10 per pound, that’s over 900 pounds of meat, or a third of a pound of meat every single day for eight years. Burp. Police are still trying to decide how to proceed in prosecuting the case.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Attica Township, Michigan, where the cops were called to a report of a man driving erratically. Upon arrival, they noted him swerving all over the road and when he was pulled over he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He said he was merely swerving to avoid potholes in the road. After observing that there weren’t that many holes in the road, the officers administered a sobriety test and our bozo was found to be driving under the influence of drugs and a baggie containing opioids was found in his possession. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Wareham, Massachusetts, where the cops were called to a report of a shoplifting at the local Walmart. Upon arrival the cops found our two unidentified bozos. Female bozo number one admitted stealing some items and showed them to to officer stuffed inside her purse. Her male companion also had stolen some things which were stuffed in his pants. It was their excuse for the theft that landed them in the Bozo Hall of Shame. They told the police they needed some nice things to wear for an upcoming court appearance. Well. Guess they’ll just have to look sloppy.

Bozo criminals for today come from New Scotland, New York, where the cops pulled over a bozo and his female companion for driving erratically. The driver was asked to step out of the vehicle while another officer took a look at a three-year-old girl who was improperly restrained in the back seat. It was at this point that the toddler reached under the front seat, pulled out a baggie, opened it and handed it to the officer. Inside the baggie, marijuana, a pipe and a grinder. Oops. Our two bozos were busted and the child taken into protective custody.

Bozo criminal for today from the International File in Birmingham, England, violated Bozo Rule Number @121256: Limit yourself to drinking ONE case of beer before pulling off a burglary. Our bozo, who had recently been released from prison, told the cops he was “bored” when he drank 24 bottles of Budweiser and a bottle of Jagermeister. He then staggered out with the intent of pulling off a heist. He rode his bike to a residence where he stole a flat screen TV. Police were called and followed our wobbly bozo for a mile as he made a couple of U-turns before finally crashing into a police car. He’s busted and charged with burglary and DUI.

Bozo criminals for today from San Diego, California, stole some grass. No, not marijuana. Grass. A contractor dropped off a 650 pound spool of turf at a residence with plans to come back later and use it to landscape the lawn. But our bozos had other ideas. Security cameras caught them trying to stuff the 16 feet of turf into a trunk 2 feet deep. The video shows them driving off with most of the grass dragging on the ground. They left a trail of turf behind them as they exited the neighborhood. Police expect to make an arrest soon.