Author: dave

Bozo criminal for today comes from North Palm Beach, Florida, where bozo Shane Moore stole a bag of coins from an office. Now, if you’re a bozo who suddenly finds yourself in possession of a bunch of coins, what do you do? First, you try to sell what you can. Then, if you find no takers, you head down to the local grocery store and run them through the change machine to convert them to cash. Good plan, right? Wrong. Most of these coins were collectable, worth in excess of $33,000. And the machine only gave him face value. Plus it took out a service fee for doing the job. And took a picture to help the cops ID him. He’s busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from Silver Spring, Maryland, where our bozos had a plan for stealing an ATM from a local convenience store. First, they used their pickup to smash through the front windows of the store. Then, security cameras show three masked bozos jump out of the truck and enter the store with a hand truck. The ATM is heavier than they expected and our bozos struggle to get the machine on the truck. One bozo is not doing his part and receives a punch on the arm from the head bozo, encouraging him to get to work. In the meantime, the getaway driver gets nervous and decides to leave on his own. Finally, our bozos get the ATM out the door, only to have it fall off the dolly and onto one of the suspects. It was at this time that they realize their ride has left. Deciding that it just wasn’t worth the effort, our bozos scatter, with one of them coming back a short time later to grab the hand truck. Police are looking for suspects.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cuyahoga County, Ohio, where Bozo David Carter had just received his guilty verdict on charges of domestic violence and destruction of property. It was after the judge issued his sentence that he secured his place in the Bozo Hall of Fame. His lawyer turned to our bozo to say a few words and the next thing he knew he was being helped up by court officers. Yep, our bozo had punched his lawyer in the face. Bad idea. He now faces more charges on top of the 47 years in prison he had just received. The lawyer suffered only minor injuries.

Our bozos for today come from Butler County, Ohio. And we would like to thank the sheriff of Butler County for outlining the Bozo Rules that were broken by this bozo couple. Bozo Rule #334479: Don’t park in a handicapped space anywhere, especially at the sheriff’s office, if you are not handicapped. And don’t park in front of the Sheriff’s personal car when you do so. Bozo Rule #773928: When an officer tells you to move your illegally parked vehicle, don’t jump out of the car and run away. Bozo Rule #209383: Do not jump into a strangers vehicle and tell them you need a ride because you have warrants against you. Bozo Rule #456093: Do not come to the sheriff’s office with your car loaded with stolen items and do any of the above. That’s exactly what happened to our bozos, who are now under arrest on numerous charges, including outstanding warrants.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Honolulu, Hawaii. We have all felt frustration over having to go to jury duty but our bozo took it a little too far. Bozo Jacob Morrison didn’t want to have to spend all day on jury duty, so during a break he began shouting, “He is guilty, he is guilty,” outside a courtroom. Bad idea. He wasn’t selected for the jury but he was placed under arrest for contempt of court and ordered to spend the night in jail.

Our bozo for today from Elizabeth City, North Carolina is a rare two time bozo. You may remember bozo Bradley Harrison was arrested a few years back after he won a donut eating contest at a police event during National Night Out. Officers recognized him at the event as someone they’d been looking for in connection with a couple of felony burglaries. Apparently he still hasn’t learned his lesson. He’s been arrested again and charged with felony breaking and entering and felony safe cracking in connection with a burglary at a local business. And that local business? Dunkin Donuts. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Van Buren, Arkansas, where the cops received a 911 call reporting a case of underage drinking at a residence. When they arrived, a young man came out with his hands up. The cops observed that he seemed to be a little drunk, but not to the point of passing out, so they encouraged him to just go back inside and sleep it off. When he declined, they asked to talk to the person who had called in the report. And that’s when our bozo said, “Me.” Right. The 18-year-old had apparently been drinking alone at home and started feeling guilty so he called the cops on himself. Once again, the cops told him to just go back inside. Once again he refused. Under Arkansas law, anyone charged with public intoxication must be jailed for a minimum of six hours, so he was hauled off to jail.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in West Midlands, England. Our bozo team broke into a residence and stole numerous items, including handbags, jewelry, watches and luggage, which they loaded into their getaway car. Then, they noticed something even more valuable. The key fob to a Ferrari 488. Now, we know you’re expecting this to be a typical “bozos don’t know how to drive stick” story, but you’d be wrong. This Ferrari was an automatic. But, being an exotic car, the automatic wasn’t as simple as PRN and D. Our bozos figured out how to get it into reverse and backed out of the driveway. But, once they got into the street, try as they may, they just couldn’t find the “D” button. After trying for several minutes, they gave up and left the car sitting in the road. Police have DNA evidence from the scene and hope to make an arrest soon.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Craigavon, Northern Ireland. Our bozo called the cops to complain that she’d been duped…spending $260 for what she thought was cocaine. Now, we’ve had this sort of complaint before but it was what our bozo dealer had used as the “fake” cocaine that caused this story to end up in the bozo report. Apparently, the “cocaine” was brown sugar. Not a sweet deal at all.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sulphur, Louisiana, where the cops were called to a report of a prowler wearing an all-black outfit. After searching the area for a while, the cops caught a glimpse of the dark clad intruder, and, when he ignored an order to stop, followed him into a residence. They found him inside, hiding under a mattress. But it was his choice of garb that led to his inclusion in the Bozo Hall of Fame. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, he was wearing a full gorilla suit, including face mask. He was charged with multiple offenses, including unauthorized entry of an inhabited dwelling, methamphetamine possession, resisting a police officer with violence or force, and wearing a mask or hood in public.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Waterville, Maine, where a recent cold snap turned out to be our crook’s downfall. Literally. It seems bozo Jason Mitchell had plans for robbing the Bangor State Bank. He walked in, demanded cash, got it and fled, running across four lanes of traffic. So far, so good. Now, if he can just make it across the parking lot he should be home free. But…that parking lot was icy and our bozo slipped and fell, dropping his gun and sending money flying everywhere. Still not a problem, right? Just pick yourself up, gather up the cash and continue on your way. Right. Except for one small thing. A state police lieutenant just happened to be in the parking lot at the same time and saw everything. Oops. The cop tackled our bozo and held him down until support arrived. Turns out he was already on probation for burglary. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Sebastian, Florida, where bozo Matthew Anderson was pulled over for speeding. Officers report our bozo was doing 80 MPH and passing cars on the shoulder of U.S. 1. A quick check also found that he had been pulled over by the cops in a neighboring county less than an hour before. His Bozo Excuse? He told the cops he was “thirsty” and wanted a Pepsi. Sorry, that one won’t work. He was placed under arrest.

Our bozo for today comes from the International File in London, England, where police received a strange emergency call. Someone reported seeing a person that appeared to be dead just inside the doors of a locked building. Cops rushed to the scene and saw what appeared to be a corpse near the entrance of the Factory Art Gallery. They quickly sprang into action, breaking down the door as paramedics stood by ready to spring into action. Unfortunately, the “corpse” turned out to be made of clothing and wires and was part of a modern art exhibit. Oops. Perhaps this particular exhibit should be moved a little further inside the gallery.

Bozo criminals for today come from Grand Rapids, Michigan, where our two bozo brothers were arrested on a bank robbery charge. It seems they walked into the Huntington bank, passed the teller a note and demanded cash after threatening the teller with a weapon. Sounds like a pretty well executed crime, right? Wrong. Apparently scrap paper was in short supply that day so one of the bozos wrote the hold up note on a piece of paper he found in his pocket. And that paper just happened to be a federal probation office form with a date on it. And that date just happened to be the day that one of our bozos visited his probation officer there. Oops. They’ve been sentenced to 50 years in prison.

Our bozos for today come from the International File in Leamington, Ontario, Canada where the cops were puzzled by a report of some rather strange counterfeit bills that were being passed around town. The phony money was a Canadian $20 with a nice picture of the queen on the front, along with the Maple Leaf. So far, so good. And then there were those Chinese characters, in pink. Huh? Yep, they were obviously fake $20s made in China where such currency is sometimes burned in ceremonies during important festivals, such as the Lunar New Year. No word on how many of these fakes were successfully passed before someone caught on.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Salt Lake City, Utah, where police officers were called to a report of a reckless driver. The cops talked to witnesses who said a man had attempted to hit their trucks with his vehicle and they had to swerve off the road to avoid an accident. They also said that at one point the man stopped, dropped his pants, and mooned them. While interviewing one of the victims, the officer noticed a car approaching at a high rate of speed. Yep, our bozo had returned. The cop had to quickly get out of the way and as our bozo sped by he flipped the bird at the officer. A high speed chase ensued with our bozo making it to his home, where he ran into a shed to hide. He was removed and placed under arrest. His excuse that he was celebrating his 66th birthday probably won’t fly with the judge.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Portland, Oregon. Our bozo walked into a pawn shop and asked to see a 1 carat diamond ring, priced at $12,000. Security cameras caught him snatching the ring from an employee’s hand, and, after a brief scuffle, fleeing the store. End of story, right? Nope. One day later, our bozo returned to another location of the pawn shop in a different part of town and tried to pawn the ring. Bad idea. The manager recognized the ring and refused to give it back to our bozo who fled the store empty handed. Police hope to use security camera video to make an arrest soon.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Devon County, England, where the cops were called to a report of a car in the ditch. Upon arrival, they found the vehicle upside down on the side of the road. Our bozo driver, who was uninjured, was questioned about the incident and that’s when he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops he was driving down the road, minding his own business, when he swerved to avoid an octopus in the road. Yes, an octopus. We should note that said octopus would have had to have crawled over 3 miles of hills and fields to make it to the highway. The cops dutifully searched for the octopus to no avail. Our bozo has been charged with suspected DUI.

Our bozo for today comes from the International File, Jurisprudence Division. Officials in India were shocked when bozo Raphael Samuel announced his plans to sue his parents. His claim: Since he was conceived without his permission, his parents should pay him for his life. Essentially he is saying that his parents should pay him to live. His parents are both lawyers so the trial should be interesting.

No real criminal activity in today’s report from Rogers County, Oklahoma, where the county courthouse was shut down for a rather unusual reason. Bedbugs. But it was the source of the bedbugs that merits a bozo report. Apparently one of the lawyers came to court with bedbugs literally falling out of his clothing. He also allegedly shook bedbugs all over the prosecutors files. Court was shut down and exterminators were called to fumigate the 90,000 square foot building. No word on the fate of the lawyer.