Author: dave

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Nashville, Tn, where Bozo Jonathan Parker thought he had it all figured out. He really wanted the leather jacket at the expensive department store, but of course there was no way he could afford it. So, he thought he’d do what any Bozo would do–steal it! Only problem, the jacket had one of those little magnetic tags, the kind that set off an alarm if you walk out the door with one of them. So, our Bozo goes into the dressing room and peels off the little tag, throws it on the floor and heads out with his stolen jacket. As soon as he gets to the door, the alarm goes off. A security guard who had been keeping an eye on the Bozo anyway, stopped him and retrieved the jacket. So why did the alarm go off? Remember the little tag the Bozo peeled off and threw on the floor? He stepped on it and it stuck to his shoe.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Lincoln, Nebraska. Bozo Robert Ford had been watching a house in a nice neighborhood for a couple of nights. Seeing no activity, he correctly assumed that the owners were out of town. He decided this would be a great time to break in and loot the house of all its valuables. The Bozo parked his pickup in the driveway and jimmyed the door open. He began loading his truck with a VCR, a TV, a computer, a microwave and just about anything that wasn’t bolted down. As you might expect, a Bozo can get quite tired doing such hard manual labor. And it seems that Robert got so tired he decided to take a little nap in the front seat of his truck. And that’s where the police found him, snoring away with all the stolen goods packed safely away in the back.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Pensacola, Florida. Bozo Rosie Lee Hill thought she had been ripped off, so she did what you or I would do, she called the police. The Bozo thought someone had sold her fake crack cocaine, so she called the police to complain. Police were only too happy to send an officer by. She showed him the two rocks in question. The officer checked them–it wasn’t very good crack, but it was very real. He arrested the Bozo for possession.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lawrence County, Tennessee where Bozo Rodney Atwell probably should give up drinking. While trying to find his way home, our Bozo accidently stumbled into the front door of the police station, where he was detained for public intoxication. The officers did a routine search of the Bozo and found two bags of marijuana. The Bozo then got talkative and just had to tell the police, "I’ve got some more marijuana in the trunk, and a shotgun, too." The officers took the Bozos advise, searched the truck and booked him.

Bozo criminals for today come to us courtesy of Bozo News Hawk Cassie Tatum of Arlington, Texas who e-mailed this report to Bozo headquarters. It seems a group of narcotics officers made a routine drug bust at a crack house in Dallas. Two officers were just standing around in front of the house in their regular uniforms–the black ones with the words "NARCOTICS" printed in bold letters on the back and front–when a couple of Bozos drove up. The Bozos parked in the driveway right next to a marked police car, hopped out and walked up to the narcotics officers and said, "Is Jimmy still sellin’?" Officers said sure and sent the Bozos around the back where they were promptly arrested. But the parade of Bozos did not end there. By the end of the day, 14 carloads of Bozos had been arrested in the same way!

The Bozo Criminals for today should have perhaps considered obtaining a larger vehicle before going on their crime spree. Bozo burglars in Sioux Falls, SD broke into a store and found a rather large safe which they were sure was full of cash. Being only bozo burglars and not bozo safe crackers, they decided to steal the entire safe, take it with them and figure out what to do with it after they got home. Only problem, the Bozos getaway car was a very small Honda. Bozos were pulled over when they passed a police car with the safe hanging half way out of their trunk.

Today’s Bozo Criminal comes from South Texas by way of honorary Bozo News Hawk Paul Harvey who reported this story. Bozo criminal walks into a bank, walks up to the teller and makes his demands. Bozo does not request money, he only asks for a Shrimp Cocktail and a glass of water. After determining that he is serious, bank officials send out for a Shrimp Cocktail and a glass of water. Upon receiving what he asked for, the bozo enjoys his shrimp and leaves without further incident.

BBozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, IL. Gary Michaels was a Bozo who had been spending a lot of time peering thru a jewelry store window and dreaming about all the wonderful things inside. He finally decided to quit dreaming and just steal the stuff. His idea: smash the window, grab the jewelry and run. A thick pane of glass covered the window, so it would take a lot of effort to break it. Gary had just the plan–he spotted a manhole cover just a couple of steps away from the window. He would pry the hundred pound disc from the sidewalk and heave it thru the window. So far, his plan was working. He grabbed all the rings, watches and diamonds he could carry and took off running down the sidewalk. Suddenly, our Bozo disappeared from sight…down the open manhole.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Bloomington, Indiana, where Bozo Reggie Clifton thought himself an expert safecracker. He targeted a small local business that kept more than seven thousand dollars in cash in their safe. There were no alarms and the safe was an older model. A piece of cake, the Reggie thought. As our bozo was in the process of trying to open the safe, he noticed a small red light up high on the ceiling. Sure enough, it was a video surveillance camera. Instead of trying to hide his face from the camera, our Bozo climbed up on a chair and stuck his face right in the camera as he took a screwdriver to its mounting brackets and removed it from the ceiling. You guessed it, the Bozo got away with the cash but the police came away with the best close up shot of a Bozo criminal you’ve ever seen. He was quickly recognized and apprehended. Smile, you’re on Bozo camera.

Today’s Bozo Criminal comes from Phoenix, Arizona where Bozo Randy Raines decided to hold up a convenience store in what he thought was a terrific disguise…full drag. Randy decked himself out in a long blonde wig, false eyelashes, lots of makeup and a skin tight red miniskirt with high heels. The cashier snickered a little at him, but gave him a small amount of cash and Randy dashed out the door. Well, dashed is not exactly the right word. Never having worn a skin tight miniskirt with high heels, the bozo did not know that it is rather difficult to run in such an outfit. He took off running down the street but could only run a few feet before falling down. He pulled off his shoes but still couldn’t run very well because of the tight dress. He was struggling, trying to pull it off over his head when the police arrived.

Hunger got the best of our Bozo Criminal from Knoxville, Tennessee this morning. Bozo Ed Lambert walked into a hamburger joint at closing time, flashed a pistol and told the guy working up front to give him all his cash, and while he was at it, make him a dozen hamburgers, to go. Attendant told him since it was closing time, the grill had already been turned off and it would take about ten minutes to heat back up. Fine, said the bozo, he’d be glad to wait. In the meantime, a passerby with a cell phone in the car noticed a Bozo with a gun in the burger joint and decided to call the cops. The Bozo was patiently waiting for his burgers to go when the police arrived.

A couple of Bozos this morning from Moses Lake, Washington! a pair of punks targeted a convenience store they thought would be "easy pickins" because an older lady worked the register. That was their first mistake. When they demanded money from granny, she quickly pushed over a large display of snack foods and chips near the register. In the ensuing confusion, she was able to grab a gun that she kept under the counter and knock one of the Bozos up the side of the head with it. She held the gun on the other Bozo and called police. A violation of Bozo Rule number 56–don’t mess with granny.

Today’s bozo criminal comes from Valdosta, Georgia. Bozo Jim Scott broke out of a south Georgia jail and fled to California where he was enjoying life as a free man. He was enjoying life a little too much, as a matter of fact. Jim was having a few drinks in a Sacramento bar and bragging to anyone who would listen that he was too smart for any jail to hold him and that he was a wanted man in Georgia. After a couple more drinks he nodded off at the bar. The bartender called the police, who came by, woke him up and took him to jail.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Seattle, Washington. Bozo Harvey Phillips figured it would be an easy job to hold up the corner convenience store for some quick cash. He was right, the cashier gave him the small amount of cash in the register and the bozo was out the door. When he got to his getaway car, however, Harvey discovered a problem that most of us have encountered–he had locked his keys in the car! He checked all four doors and all were locked. The Bozo was trying unsuccessfully to kick in the windshield when the police arrived.

The Bozo Criminals for today come from Starkville, Mississippi. Three Bozos decided they would rob the green oaks superette there. They walked in and demanded the clerk turn over all the cash in the register. When the clerk was hesitant to do so, the only Bozo with a weapon began waving it around and tried to fire a warning shot only to have the gun jam. When this happened, the clerk pulled a gun of his own, which scared the bozos so much that they went running for the door, two of them tripping over each other in the process They jumped in their getaway car and barely pulled out of the parking lot before smoke began pouring from the car’s engine. Yes, our Bozos had blown the motor on their getaway car. They had the hood up and were trying to get it going when the police arrived.

From Athens, Ohio comes a Bozo story that proves dog may not be man’s best friend–if you’re a Bozo. Shawn Slater, our Bozo criminal took his dog with him as he went downtown to browse thru a record store. The store had a no pets policy, so the Bozo tied him to a parking meter in front of the store. Bozo must have found a lot to look at in the store, because he stayed there long enough that someone became concerned about the dog tied to the parking meter. A neighbor came out to check on the dog and noticed he had a "fanny pack" around his neck. Inside the fanny pack there was no identification, but there were four ounces of marijuana and $720. The police were called and the dog was taken downtown for safe keeping. Our Bozo was arrested for marijuana possession a short time later when he went down to the police station to report his dog had been stolen.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from New York, New York, where Bozo Timothy Hough pulled off a bank heist…he got the cash but it was his getaway that got him into trouble. The Bozo left the bank with his loot but had no getaway vehicle. Instead, he planned on hailing a cab. A couple of cabs stopped, but refused to let him in because he seemed too nervous and shifty. So, he tried to jump on a metro rail train. He got on, but dropped his money in the process! The police were waiting for our empty handed Bozo at the next stop.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Midland, Texas. Bozo Jimmy Wallace decided to hold up a small mom and pop grocery on the outskirts of town. He pulled off the robbery but was quickly apprehended. The problem was his disguise–or lack of one. The Bozo was completely naked. After getting his money, Jimmy fled on foot. A naked man running down the streets of Midland, Texas draws a little attention. In fact, several people called to report him and he was quickly apprehended. What confirms his status as a true bozo is his reasoning behind stripping. He said he thought if he wore clothes, it would make him more easily identifiable.

Bozo criminals for this morning are a couple of brothers from Quitman, Texas. James Earl Phleps and his brother Joe burglarized a storage building, taking most everything from inside and loading it into their pickup truck. A police officer was passing by about the time they were finishing up the job. He spotted them and they took off down a winding country road. The police officer gave pursuit. In a scene out of a bad movie, the bozos began tossing stolen items out of the truck and into the path of the officer in an attempt to slow him down. Objects hurled into the road included two car jacks, a chain hoist, a weed eater, a jack handle, a carburetor and a tool box loaded with socket tools. Obviously, the bozos didn’t steal a kitchen sink or they would have thrown that at the officer, too. The chase ended when the country road the bozos were fleeing down suddenly came to a dead end. The bozos were apprehended and charged with theft. They are lucky they weren’t charged with littering, too.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Skokie, Illinois. Bozo Sam Wallace hailed a cab and asked him to take him home. When the cab arrived at the bozo’s house, Sam said he didn’t have the money for the fare on him, but if the cabbie would wait, he would go in the house and get the money. Cabbie said that was fine, it happened all the time. When the bozo reappeared a few moments later, he was brandishing a gun. He walked up to the cab and said, "I couldn’t find any money, but I found my gun, so you’re going to give me your money." There wasn’t much the cabbie could do, so he gave the bozo the money and the bozo went back inside his house. The cabbie picked up his cellular phone and called 911. The police arrived in a couple of minutes and told the cabbie all they would need to arrest the guy would be a positive ID. So, the police and the cabbie walked up to the bozo’s door and rang the bell. When the bozo answered, he was given a free ride to jail.