Author: dave

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jacksonville, Florida where bozo Alonzo Moore, wearing a ski mask and brandishing a pistol held up a grocery store, taking a couple of employees hostage and demanding that the store manager open the safe. The manager said that he didn’t have the combination to the safe, so the bozo settled instead for taking everyone’s wallet. Bozo then decided that his getaway would be easier if he tied everyone up. So, he laid his gun down on the floor and went about the task of wrapping everyone’s hands and feet with black tape. While the bozo was busy fooling with the tape, the store manager picked up the gun and held it on the bozo while the other employees called police. A violation of Bozo Rule #456: never put down the gun.

Bozo criminal for this morning comes from Des Moines, Iowa where police responded to a 911 call in which the caller did not say a word and quickly hung up the phone. Fearing something was amiss, the dispatcher traced the call. It turned out that our bozo, 49 year old Jerry Bentley had inadvertently dialed 911 while he was wiping a spilled beer off the phone. Upon arriving at the bozo’s house, police ran a routine check and found the bozo was wanted on outstanding warrants for drug possession and failure to appear in court.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania where bozo Joseph Gilbert stole a credit card and promptly went down to the local stereo store and charged $2700 worth of equipment. Bozo got his equipment and was out of the store before the clerk realized that he had used a stolen credit card. Police had no problem tracking the bozo down, however. It seems the bozo purchased extended warranties along with the stereo and put his real name and address on the warranty registrations.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Peters, Missouri where bozo Paul Snider held up a 7-11 and got away with 100 bucks in cash. Well, he didn’t quite get away. He got his money and headed for his car, which wouldn’t start. Panicking, he came back into the store and gave the money back, telling the clerk that the robbery was just a joke. He then asked if the clerk could give him a jump start. Clerk said no, but maybe those nice policemen that were driving into the parking lot could help.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Yekaterinberg, Russia comes the story of Boris Slodnik, a Russian soldier who held up a liquor store. The bozo got away with a small amount of cash and a fifth of vodka. He was apprehended soon after leaving the scene of the crime. It seems his getaway vehicle was rather easy to spot. He had driven to the liquor store in a military tank he had stolen from the base.

Bozo criminal for today is a double bozo–not only is he a bozo because he committed a crime–he’s really a bozo because he hired a true bozo as his attorney. Bozo Phillip Heatherton was on trial for armed robbery. For reasons known only to his bozo attorney, during closing arguments, the attorney picked up the .357 magnum handgun used during the robbery and pointed it at the jury. The jury responded by not only finding the bozo guilty of armed robbery but also by filing a civil action against the attorney for needlessly frightening them.

Bozo criminal for this morning comes from the celebrity file. Rick Danko is the leader of the legendary rock group, The Band. Rick was convicted last week in Japan of smuggling heroin into the country. Danko was arrested after the police found over a gram of heroin in a package sent to him from the United States. What qualifies Mr. Danko as a bozo is his excuse for receiving the heroin in the mail. He said he called his wife and asked her to send him his cold medicine and instead she got confused and sent him the heroin instead. Next time better stick to Nyquil.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Strasbourg, France comes the story of 23 year old Jacque Rogeau who was arrested for reckless driving. The strange part of the story is that our bozo is totally blind. When arrested, he was behind the wheel of the car while his girlfriend shouted instructions to him from the passenger seat. He wound up running the car into a lamppost. He told police that before losing his sight, he had dreamed of becoming a race car driver and had to take the car for one last spin.

Bozo criminal for this morning comes from Kansas City, Missouri where bozo Robert Kramer was arrested and charged with breaking and entering. The bozo jimmied a lock on an apartment door, got in and ransacked the place, taking a small amount of cash, the victim’s wallet, and some jewelry. Police had no problem tracing the break in to our bozo. He left behind his own wallet, complete with ID.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fairfax County, Virginia where bozo Ian Priestland was experimenting with building a pipe bomb. After constructing the bomb out of a sawed off piece of a bicycle frame, the bozo was at a loss to figure out how to properly close the end of the pipe. He finally came up with the brilliant idea to use a sledge hammer to slam the end closed. And you can guess what happened. Yep, it blew up. Bozo is going to be ok, though. He’s on jail on illegal weapons charges

Bozo criminals for today come from Baltimore, Maryland where bozo Robert Quarry and Mike Steiner broke into an auto supply store and stole several car batteries, loading them into the back of their pickup truck. The bozos were unable to make a clean getaway with their haul of batteries, however, because their own car would not start–the reason–the battery was dead.

Bozo criminal for this morning comes from Durham, North Carolina where bozo Keisha Gregory was arrested for trying to cash a check that did not belong to her. As a matter of fact, the check did not even belong to a person. Somehow, the bozo got a hold of a check made out to a local company, the Tension Envelope Company. Bozo took the check to a nearby bank and tried to cash it, claiming to be Mrs. Tension Envelope. The bank didn’t buy it and called police.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Weiser, Idaho where bozo Keith Porter was a volunteer fireman who was paid $5 an hour whenever he was called in to put out a fire. The more fires there were, the more money the bozo could make. Bozo was arrested when police caught him setting a fire. He later confessed to setting 11 other fires.

Bozo criminal for today, like a lot of us, fell victim to the heat this summer. From Lafayette, Louisiana comes bozo Louis Albright who had the not so bright idea of robbing a branch of the local bank. He had an even less bright idea of a low cost, low fat, completely disposable disguise. He covered his entire head with whipped cream, spraying the stuff all over his head, hair and face. Suitably disguised, the bozo walked right up to the teller and said "put all your money in the sack." Unfortunately, by this time the heat was taking its toll on the bozo’s disguise, causing it to melt and slide down his face and into his eyes. This kept our human hot fudge sundae from noticing as the teller pushed the silent alarm. The bozo was still struggling with his rapidly melting disguise when police arrived.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Naples, Florida, where bozo Paul Brown stole more than $40 worth of razor blades from a Wal-Mart store and then outran a store security guard to make his getaway. That’s the criminal part of the story. Now, for the bozo part. About 30 minutes later, the bozo walks back into the same Wal-Mart and demanded a refund on the stole items. The guard recognized the bozo and called police.

Bozo criminal for today comes from New Dehli, India where police arrested Raj Kumar on attempted theft of a motor vehicle. It was the bozo’s method of stealing the car that got him in trouble. Somewhere, the bozo had stolen a large bag weighing about 40 pounds and full of automobile keys. He picked out the car he wanted and started trying each key in the lock, hoping to find one that would open the door. Neighbors noticed the bozo messing with the car and called police. He was still patiently trying keys in the car’s lock when police arrived.

Bozo criminals for today come from St. Petersberg, Florida where bozos Phillip and Evangelista Danglis were found guilty of sneaking into a cemetery and stealing bones from graves. They sent the bones to their son who was studying anatomy in medical school. They insisted that their son would have returned the bones after he finished with his studies.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Atlanta, Georgia where bozo Michael Robinson was arrested for using a stolen credit card number. Not just any number, no that wouldn’t do for this bozo. He was arrested for using the credit card of former president Jimmy Carter. The bozo got the credit card number of Mr. Carter when he dined at a restaurant where the bozo worked. The bozo was arrested by secret service agents after he tried to charge stereo equipment to the card.

Bozo criminals for today come from Corvallis, Oregon where two bozo drug dealers checked into a Motel 6. When they checked out, they left behind their stash of drugs, their pagers and a client list. When a maid found their stuff, management called police. Meanwhile, the bozos discovered they had left a little something behind and called to ask about recovering it. When the bozos arrived and identified the goods, they were arrested by police.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brunswick, Georgia, where bozo Robert Preston stole a payroll check and headed to his local supermarket to try to cash it. When he got to the store,the clerk told him to endorse the check and put his drivers license and phone number on the back, which the bozo did. He got away with the cash, but he signed his own name and put his real phone number and license number on the back. Police didn’t have any trouble tracking him down.