Author: dave

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from New York City where bozo Sidonia Williams tried to open a charge account at a department store by flashing a piece of currency in the amount of $1,000,000. Yep, she tried to prove she was credit worthy by showing them a one million dollar bill. Of course, there is no such bill. She had made hers by pasting 0’s on a one dollar bill and then running it through a color copier. She then cheerfully pointed out that she had 194 more of the million dollar bills in her purse. While she was waiting for approval on her credit application, cops showed up and arrested her and her million dollar bills.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from East Providence, Rhode Island, where bozo Chuck Haney was arrested and charged with attempted burglary. Attempted being the key word here because our bozo was physically unable to complete the crime after breaking in. You see, the bozo broke into a gas station by diving headfirst into a plate glass window. He was too injured to steal anything but not so injured that the cops couldn’t take him to the emergency room to be stitched up before hauling him into jail.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Pensacola, Florida where bozo Rosie Lee Hill suspected that the crack cocaine she had just purchased was fake. So, she did what any upstanding bozo would do– She called the police. Cops stopped by, checked the dope, found it to be genuine crack and arrested the bozo for possession.

The Bozo Criminal for today violated Bozo Rule #454: Before going out to do a crime, be sure you’re well rested. From Reno, Nevada comes the story of Charles Price who broke into a house and ransacked it looking for valuables. The bozo got tired during his ransacking and took his shoes off and lied down on the bed to rest for just a few minutes. He was still resting soundly when police found him.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Tulsa, Oklahoma where bozo Patrick Manning was called for jury duty. Feeling the need to do his patriotic duty, the bozo showed up. During a routine records check, which is given all prospective jurors, an outstanding warrant was turned up. It seems our bozo was a fugitive, wanted on a 1987 capital murder charge. He never got to serve on the jury, but he is now serving time.

A pair of Bozo Criminals today from Statesville, North Carolina where John and Claudia Munson robbed the safe at the restaurant where Claudia worked. They got away with the day’s receipts and decided it might be a good idea to douse the inside of the safe with gasoline and set it ablaze to cover their tracks. Seemed like a good idea except for one problem. The only piece of paper in the whole room that didn’t burn completely was the piece used to start the blaze–a health care form with the bozo’s name and address on it.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Nashville, Tennessee where bozo Ray Talley was sentenced to six months in jail for committing one of the stupidest crimes in Bozo Criminal history. Ray was arrested for placing a 20 foot ladder across some railroad tracks, intending for a train to run over it. Railroad officers saw him place the ladder on the track and were able to remove it before a catastrophe could be created. What really makes Talley a bozo is his reason for placing the ladder on the tracks in the first place. He said he had stolen the 20 foot ladder, but it was too long for him to use. So, he placed it on the track hoping the train would cut it into two ten foot sections. Maybe next time he should steal a saw, too.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File. From Hong Kong comes the tale of 29 year old Lui Kai-kwong, who, armed with a fruit knife, robbed a bank of a little over $2000 and ran away. The bank’s security guard gave chase, along with a mailman who saw what was going on. The bozo ran and ran and grew more tired, as his pursuers grew ever nearer. In fact, the pursuers were so close that when the postman pulled out his cell phone to call the cops, the bozo snatched it out of his hand and called the cops himself, turning himself in, saying he was totally exhausted. We have here a clear violation of Bozo Criminal Rule #578: If you’re going to rob a bank and flee on foot, be sure you’re in shape.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File. From Hong Kong comes the tale of 29 year old Lui Kai-kwong, who, armed with a fruit knife, robbed a bank of a little over $2000 and ran away. The bank’s security guard gave chase, along with a mailman who saw what was going on. The bozo ran and ran and grew more tired, as his pursuers grew ever nearer. In fact, the pursuers were so close that when the postman pulled out his cell phone to call the cops, the bozo snatched it out of his hand and called the cops himself, turning himself in, saying he was totally exhausted. We have here a clear violation of Bozo Criminal Rule #578: If you’re going to rob a bank and flee on foot, be sure you’re in shape.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from San Francisco, California. Bozo Bobby Wells went into the downtown branch of The Bank of America with the intention of robbing it. He grabbed a deposit slip and wrote, "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." Then, while waiting in line, he got scared and thought someone might have seen him write the note. So, the bozo leaves and goes down the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting in line here, he handed the teller the note. Seeing the spelling errors on the note, the teller realized she had a bozo on her hands. She told him she could not accept the note because it was on a Bank of America slip and he would either have to write a note on Wells Fargo paper or go back to the Bank of America. The bozo reluctantly said OK and left the bank. He was arrested minutes later while waiting in line at the Bank of America.

The Bozo Criminal for today is from the International File. Bozo William Nixon of Belfast, Northern Ireland turned himself in for robbing a gas station. And he didn’t even know he did it until he saw himself on tv. It seems our bozo had spent his entire welfare check on beer before deciding to use a fake gun to hold up a gas station. It wasn’t until he sobered up and was watching a crime program on tv that he remembered what he’d done–because there he was, on the tv screen, caught in the act of robbing the gas station by a security camera. The very embarassed and now sober bozo turned himself in and apologized to all involved.

A Bozo News Hawk Award today goes to T.L. Reagan who lists his address only as "Real Close E. Texas." T.L. sent us this story concerning some young bozos who were breaking into repair shops and stealing lawn mowers, tools, chain saws and the like. The bozos would then sell the stolen items to friends and neighbors. When one of the neighbors couldn’t get his saw to start, he took it to the repair shop down the street. The mechanic on duty recognized the saw as one stolen from the shop not three days before. He then notified the cops who proceeded down the street to promptly arrested the bozo thief.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Boston, Massachusetts where it is illegal to intercept police radio transmissions. As you might think, it is rather difficult to capture people using these illegal scanners. Police came up with an ingenious plan. They sent out hoax messages on police radio frequencies about little green men in flying saucers landing in the downtown area. When carloads of bozos showed up looking for the aliens, police confiscated their scanning equipment and warned the bozos that scanning police frequencies was against the law.

A Bozo News Hawk award for this morning goes to Cybele Rowbottom of Manchester, England who sent us this bozo report via e-mail. From the Daily Star comes this story: Man calls the police after he hears breaking glass and fears someone is breaking into his house. Police searched the house to no avail and were preparing to leave. That’s when the home’s owner decided to follow his nose. He noticed a foul smell coming from near the sofa. Checking behind it he found a not so well hidden, but very dirty and smelly bozo. Police held their noses and arrested Bozo Chris Gordon. Maybe next time the bozo should consider stealing a can of Right Guard first.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Baltimore, Maryland where 26 year old bozo Robert Pritchett ran his car off the road and into a tree. Bozo was uninjured but the car was totaled . He flagged down the first car that came by and asked for a ride into town. But before going, the bozo said he better go back to his car and get his stash of marijuana out before the police came by and discovered it. The driver of the car waited patiently for the bozo to come back with his stash and then arrested him. The driver who stopped to help was an off duty police officer.

We have a rare Bozo case today. Both a Bozo criminal and perhaps even a Bozo judge. Here’s the story. 41 year old Francis Glancy of Pittsburgh was held on trial on drunk driving charges after he crashed his bicycle on his way home from a local bar. The bozo could avoid trial and have his record cleaned if he would attend alcohol rehabiliation classes and would agree to have his drivers license suspended for 30 days. The catch is the bozo does not have a drivers license and does not want one. The judge disagreed and ordered him to take a test to get a drivers license just so he could then suspend it.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Birmingham, Alabama where bozo Eddie Phillips was in jail on robbery charges. The bozo sealed his fate when he wrote a letter from jail to a friend on the outside orchestrating the testimony that he wanted him to give at his trial to establish his alibi. He went into detail as to how he really needed his friend to lie for him to get him off the hook. One problem, the bozo sent the letter to the wrong address and when it was returned, jail officials became suspicious, opened the letter and discovered the bozo’s scheme.

Bozo Criminal for today is from the International File. From Geneva, Switzerland comes the story of Franz Koeffler who was sentenced to four years in prison for burglary. The bozo, who was convicted of breaking into over 380 homes at the rate of up to 15 per week, would always press his ear against the door, listening for people inside before breaking in. Police might never have caught him except for one instance in which he stopped by an apartment complex where the doors had been freshly painted. You guessed it, when he pressed his ear against the wet paint, he left police a perfect ear print which they were able to match to the bozo. In fact, when captured, he still had traces of paint inside his ear.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Hong Kong comes the tale of 46 year old Chan Koon Shing, a small time hood who stopped by the clinic of Dr. Siu-ko and demanded $50 in protection money. The doctor handed it over and then asked for a receipt. The bozo gave him one, complete with his real name and ID card number. The doctor gave the receipt to police who used it to track down and arrest the bozo.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Kansas City, Missouri where police pulled over bozo Richard Finney after he ran a red light. His license was expired and he had no ID but what made the cop suspicious was that the bozo acted as if his jaw was wired shut, barely opening his mouth, even when he spoke. When the cop asked the bozo what was in his mouth, he replied, "Nothing, " through closed lips. The officer pried open the bozo’s mouth and managed to get a small amount of marijuana before the bozo swallowed the rest of it, except for the stuff that wound up stuck in and around his teeth. When the cop asked the bozo what that was, he replied that he’d had pizza for lunch and that it had a lot of parsley on it. Police didn’t buy that story and the bozo was arrested.