Author: dave

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Carroll, Iowa where officer Tim Brown was on foot when he got a call over his portable police radio. Officer Brown heard the unmistakable words of a Bozo, "Breaker, breaker, this is a bust." The officer returned to his patrol car, expecting to find a kid playing a prank. Instead he found 44 year old bozo Allan Schaeuble, sitting in the front seat of the police car, marijuana pipe in one hand, radio mic in the other and a tin of caramel popcorn in his lap. The bozo handed the pipe over to the officer and even told him to take him to his house where he had more marijuana. He got his wish and was busted.

Bozo News Hawk award to Chris Alexander of Trenton, Ontario, Canada, who sent us this bozo story via the internet. It seems our bozo walked into a department store and proceeded to help himself to a whole shopping cart full of men’s clothes, about $4000 worth. He then pushed the cart out the door, without paying, of course. He was chased down the street by store security personnel and into a nearby field where he threatened them with a knife and escaped into a grassy area. In the meantime, police arrived and as they were searching the area, they came upon a man wearing nothing but his underwear. Of course, this was our bozo. And why did he strip down to his shorts? He said he thought no one would be able to recognize him if he took off his clothing.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Abilene, Texas. Bozo Ronald Harrison was fleeing police on foot when he decided to hide in a field. At first his ploy seemed to be successful. Until he was noticed by a large brahma bull that lived in the field. Don’t know if the bozo was wearing red, but there was definitely something about him the bull didn’t like. Police, noticing the commotion, stopped and found the bozo way up in the top of a tree with a very large bull pawing the ground beneath him.

The Bozo criminals for this morning come from the International File. From Ishioka, Japan comes the story of two teenage would be bankrobbers, a 17 year old male and his 16 year old female companion. The two enter a bank with the boy brandishing a pair of kitchen knives as weapons. At first, the boy threatened a customer, but the customer just ignored him and walked away. Our bozo then turned to the teller. Just as he begins to threaten the teller, his girlfriend starts telling him what a bad job he is doing of being a bank robber. The two lovebirds then get into a heated argument. So heated, in fact, that they don’t even notice the teller set off the silent alarm. When police arrived, our bozo robber was standing in the middle of the bank, screaming for someone, anyone, to give him some money, while his girlfriend urged him to hurry up.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Los Angeles, California where bozo John Harris was arrested for being drunk and disorderly and thrown in jail. He was given the customary phone call and he called his bozo friend Richard Bunnell to come down to the police station and bail him out, which he did. While Bunnell was there bailing out his friend, an alert officer thought Bunnell looked familiar. Sure enough, Bunnell was a fugitive wanted for armed robbery. He was arrested and joined his friend in jail.

The Bozo criminals for today come from Des Moines, Iowa, where our bozos were trespassing and trying to steal the tires off a car that was scheduled to be auctioned the next day. The bozos did not realize that the auction lot had security cameras. The owner of the lot saw them sneak onto the lot and watched them start stripping the car. So, he jumped on the large forklift that they use to move cars around, picked up their waiting getaway car and hid it behind a building. He then called police. When the crooks showed up at the office to ask about their missing car, the cops arrived to arrest the bozos.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Nashville, Tennessee where Bozo Harley Rogers had stolen a car, some cash and a few other items from a house he had broken into. The next day the bozo drove the stolen car down to the neighborhood 7-11 to get some cigarettes. And wouldn’t you know it, he locked his keys in the car. So, he did what any bozo would do after locking the keys in a stolen car. He called the police for help. When they arrived, they did a routine license plate check, discovered the car was stolen and arrested the bozo on the spot.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Tampa, Florida, where bozo Albert Doll thought he had come up with the ultimate scam. Bozo Albert was already in the federal pen when he came up with the brilliant idea of selling presidential pardons to other inmates. That’s right, for a fee, the bozo promised other inmates and their families he could get them out of jail with a pardon directly from the president of the United States himself. I guess it never occurred to the other inmates to ask why he didn’t get himself out of jail with one of the presidential pardons. Lots of inmates were taken in, however. The bozo had collected over $90,000 in fees before being caught. he’ll need more than one of his pardons to get him out of this jam.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Tampa, Florida, where bozo Albert Doll thought he had come up with the ultimate scam. Bozo Albert was already in the federal pen when he came up with the brilliant idea of selling presidential pardons to other inmates. That’s right, for a fee, the bozo promised other inmates and their families he could get them out of jail with a pardon directly from the president of the United States himself. I guess it never occurred to the other inmates to ask why he didn’t get himself out of jail with one of the presidential pardons. Lots of inmates were taken in, however. The bozo had collected over $90,000 in fees before being caught. he’ll need more than one of his pardons to get him out of this jam.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Atlanta, Georgia, where it is only appropriate that a bozo criminal would hire a bozo attorney. Bozo Alphonse Malone was in court to answer charges of drug possession, trespassing and obstruction of justice. Since the bozo had not yet posted bail, he was dressed in the traditional orange jumpsuit and handcuffs. Standing next to Woods and arguing for his innocence was his bozo attorney, Frank Dennis, also dressed in an orange jumpsuit and handcuffs. You see, his attorney was on probation on drug possession charges, had missed a mandatory drug test and the judge had ordered him into custody. He stopped to plead his clients case before being locked up.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Huntsville, Alabama where a highway patrol officer was sitting in his favorite hiding spot to catch speeders. He clocked a bozo approaching at 102 MPH and gave chase, taking over three miles to catch up to the car and pull the bozo over. The officer was concerned that the driver might have a medical emergency so he inquired as to why the bozo was going so fast. The bozo, for lack of a better story, told the officer the truth. He had just washed his car and was trying to blow dry it. The cop then asked how much the car wash had cost . "Five dollars," replied the bozo. The cop then told him it actually cost $255 as he handed him a #250 ticket.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Lt. Jim Reader of the Gregg County Sheriff’s Department who passed on this rather distasteful bozo criminal story. Lt. Reader reports that a police officer in Benton, Illinois was called to a burglary scene. The citizen reported that someone had broken into the barn where his large motor home was stored and had attempted to siphon gas out of it. When the officer investigated, he noticed that there was a five gallon gas can sitting right by the motor home. Next to the can was a piece of siphoning hose. It also appeared that our bozo had become ill while trying to siphon the gas out of the motor home. Upon further investigation, it was obvious why the bozo became ill. Being unfamiliar with this type of vehicle, the bozo had removed what he thought was the gas cap, stuck in the hose and begun to suck on the other end of the hose to get the gas flowing. Only problem, what began flowing wasn’t gas. The bozo had not stuck the siphon hose in the gas tank. He had stuck it in the motor home’s portable sewage container and had received a mouthful of raw sewage.

The Bozo criminal for today was foiled by cupid. 19 year old bozo Earvin Amos of Erie, Pennsylvania robbed a woman by sticking a gun in her face and stealing her wallet. In the process of committing the robbery, the bozo noticed how strikingly beautiful the woman was. As the days went by the bozo found he couldn’t get her out of his mind. So, he did what any lovesick bozo would do. He wrote her a love letter asking her out and giving her his pager number. He promised to return her wallet if she would call him. She did. When he called her back, the police traced the call and arrested the bozo for armed robbery.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Paul Medema who sent us this bozo criminal story from Orange County, California. It seems a bozo criminal is stopped by police on his way home from a party. It is obvious to the police that the bozo is drunk, so they ask him to get out of the car and walk a straight line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares the report of a robbery taking place at a house just down the street. The police tell the party animal to stay put while they run down the street to the robbery. The bozo is left waiting outside the police car. He waits and waits and finally decides to drive himself home. He gets home safely and goes straight to bed, only to be awakened a short time later by the police knocking at his door. Bozo answers and at first denies that he had ever left the house that night. Police ask if they can see his car. Without asking why, the bozo takes the police to the garage where they find the police car parked, with its lights still flashing. The drunk bozo had driven the police car home instead of his own and had never noticed the difference.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Providence, Rhode Island where a student was arrested for running naked through Coventry High School. He said he was celebrating his Greek heritage and was showing his support of Athens, Greece in its bid for the 2004 Olympics. What really made the guy a bozo was his excuse for being naked–he said its because the ancient athletes always competed in the nude at the Olympics and he was just trying to be like them.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Modesto, California where Bozo Richard King tried to rob a branch of the Bank of America without using a weapon. He walked in, with his hand in his pocket and his thumb and forefinger extended to make it look like he had a gun in his pocket. Things were going along well until the bozo forgot and took his hand out of his pocket. The teller then realized that the bozo did not have a gun and simply walked away to call police. The bozo eventually grew tired of waiting and walked out of the bank and into the arms of arriving police officers.

The Bozo Criminal for this morning comes from Santa Cruz, California where police were investigating a robbery of a residence. Police suspected a youth or a teenager was the culprit since becides taking money and a watch, a skateboard and some baseball cards were stolen. Suspicions of the police were confirmed when they discovered a very important piece of evidence the bozo criminal left behind. His homework, complete with his name at the top.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this bozo criminal story in Ann Landers’ column this week. It seems a husband and wife bozo team decided to rob a service station. The wife held a gun on the assistant manager in the office while the husband forced the manager at gunpoint to the room where the safe was located. While alone with the wife, the assistant manager told her about a wonderful contest they were having and suggested that she enter it. The wife eagerly filled out an entry blank with her name, address and phone number on it and handed it to the assistant manager. The only prize the bozos won was a free ride to the police station.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File. From Bedford, England comes the story of John Mitchell. Mr. Mitchell violated Bozo Rule #3187: Don’t call the police to your house if you are already wanted by the police. Our bozo called up the police to report that his house had been broken into and several items stolen. Police dusted the place for fingerprints and took the bozo’s prints also so that they could eliminate his fingerprints from the others taken from the house. When the police routinely ran a check on the bozo’s prints, they found his prints matched those lifted from several burglary scenes around town.

Thanks to the many Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this bozo criminal story in the Dallas Morning News today. From New Orleans, Louisiana comes the story of Bozo Joshua Clay, 17, who held up a bank in the Crescent City. Bozo pulled a gun on the teller and was given a bag of cash. In addition to the money, the bag also contained one of those exploding dye packets that went off just as the bozo was running out the door. Bozo ran off down the street, heading for his house, dropping red stained bills from the hole blown in his sack as he went. Police simply followed the trail of cash to the bozo’s house and literally caught him red-handed.