Author: dave

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Ottawa, Canada comes the story of Bozo Albert Cox who walked into a branch of the Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce and handed the teller a note demanding all the money in her register drawer. Unfortunately, the teller spoke only French and the note was in English, so she called over her co-workers to help with the note. Alarmed by the growing crowd, the bozo fled. He ran over to a taxi he had waiting around the corner and asked the driver to take him to a neighboring city. When the driver asked if he had enough money for such a long trip, the bozo checked his pockets and then admitted he couldn’t pay. The driver pulled over and called police who came by and arrested the bozo as he was trying to hail another cab.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Pearl River, New York, where an unidentified bozo tried to hold up the Marine Midland Bank. Our bozo walked in wearing a plastic bag over his head and handed the teller a note. The teller squinted at the note but the bozo’s handwriting was so bad he couldn’t decipher it. So, the teller called over another teller who also couldn’t read it. Before long all the clerks were trying to decipher what the note said. It took about 15 minutes to figure out the first line which said, “I’ve got a gun” and by then our hapless bozo had become discouraged and left empty handed, without having said a word or showing a weapon.

he Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule #298: Don’t be a good samaritan while on the run from the law. 20 year old Denis Jesper of Miami, Florida was on the run from the police and found a good hiding place up in a tree on the seventh hole of the Miami Shores Golf Club. A golfer shanked his drive into some bushes below the bozo. When the golfer came looking for his ball, the bozo shouted down to him, telling him where the ball was. The golfer was happy for the help, but the idea of a grown man up in a tree struck him as rather odd. He reported the incident when he got back to the clubhouse. Police arrived, found the bozo still up in the tree and arrested him.

The Bozo criminals for today come from Wichita, Kansas where bozos Terry Simon and Shawn Horace were planning on robbing a liquor store. Unfortunately for them, just as they were walking up to the store to rob it, a police car pulled up. The sight of the police car so spooked our bozos that they began running away. One of the bozos decided it might be a good idea to get rid of his weapon and as he was pulling it out of his pants, it went off, firing one round which not only passed thru the bozo’s leg, it also wounded his friend in the foot. Seeing that this just wasn’t their day, the bozos limped up to the cops and turned themselves in.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the "Sometimes It’s Best to Leave Well Enough Alone" file. From Harwinton, Connecticut, comes the story of Jane Whitus who complained to the Mayor that speeders were ruining her neighborhood by ignoring posted speed limits. The Mayor intervened in her behalf by asking the state police to set up a radar trap to cut down on speeders in her area. And the first person caught in the speed trap? The husband of the woman who had complained.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Oneida, New York where bozo Ronnie Mason sold some drugs to a man who paid for the dope with a check for $1500. The only problem for our bozo was that he couldn’t cash the check since it was on an out of state bank. So what did our bozo do? He called the police, of course. And told them the whole story. Police didn’t help him with the check but did arrest him for drug trafficking.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Oregon City, Oregon where bozo Mary Friedrich was arrested twelve times in the last year on forgery and theft charges. Better make that thirteen times now as she was recently released from jail after posting $12,000 bond, using forged money orders. After noticing their error, Mary was soon back behind bars at the Clackamas County Jail, which now no longer accepts money orders.

The Bozo criminal for this morning comes from Elmont, Long Island, New York where bozo Tommy Johnson broke into a bakery. He cleaned out the cash register and grabbed the TV, setting it on the counter, ready to be carted off. Then our bozo found the chocolate donuts. He decided to have one, then another and, you know how it is with donuts, you just can’t stop eating them. Anyway, the bozo ate a half a box of the chocolate donuts and then sat down to take a break. And fell asleep. An employee came in to open up, found him and called police. Officers arrived, woke up our bozo and arrested him.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Raleigh, North Carolina where bozo Michael Gilbert and a couple of accomplices tried to hold up a convenience store. Bozo Michael went in to hold up the store, leaving his friend and his girlfriend waiting in the getaway car. While bozo Michael was inside, bozo friend and girlfriend became romantically involoved, so to speak. They began making out in the car and locked the doors so they wouldn’t be disturbed. Poor bozo Michael was pounding on the door, begging to be let in to the car when the cops arrived.

We may have more than one bozo in this story. You’ll have to decide for yourself. From the International File in Cornwall, England comes the story of a bozo named Mark Looney–the name alone should tell you something. It seems bozo Looney is actually an American restaurant doorman but somehow he was able to talk himself onto the Royal Air Force base in Cornwall, claiming to be a highly decorated American Lieutenant. For five days he regaled the base personnel with stories of his imaginary exploits in Bosnia, at the same time taking advantage of the base’s free food and drink. Our bozo was found out when someone noticed that the medals Lieutenant Looney was so proudly displaying were fake ones, made of plastic.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Santa Rosa, California where bozo Fred Simpson was arrested for armed robbery. Our bozo’s problems began when he bozo held up cabbie James Hooper, using what was described as "a large caliber handgun." After getting the cabbie’s money, the bozo was running down the street when said large caliber gun went off, shooting our fleeing bozo in the foot. The bozo was able to limp away, but he left behind a trail of blood which police were able to follow to a nearby trailer park where the bozo was arrested.

The Bozo criminals for today come from Poughkeepsie, New York where Timothy Martin and Nicholas Polys, both 24, were stopped by state police. One of the cops noticed a marijuana bong in the car and a subsequent search turned up more paraphenalia and a substance that appeared to be marijuana. Police confiscated the bong and the substance and let the bozos go pending testing of the substance. One of the bozos then asked the cop for a small favor–after the case was over, would the police be so kind as to give back the bong? Bozo went on to explain that it was an heirloom bong that had been passed down among friends for at least 15 years and he’d hate to lose it. His request was denied.

The Bozo criminal for today isn’t a real criminal… but he’s such a bozo that we couldn’t keep from honoring him. From Hannibal, Missouri comes the story of Stan Cassell who decided that his Chevy needed washing. So, what would a bozo in Hannibal, Missouri with a dirty car do? Head down to the Mississippi river and back the dirty car in, of course. When our bozo got out to start cleaning, the current of the mighty Mississippi caused the car to float downstream. Police were able to retreive the car some distance downriver. Authorities decided not to charge our bozo with anything because, as one officer said, "You can’t ticket a guy for being stupid."

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Fairfax, Virginia where bozo Garrett Burris offered to help out a friend who was ticketed for speeding. Our bozo said he would represent him in court if he would contest the ticket. The bozo grabbed a handful of books on fighting speeding tickets, read up on them and showed up in court ready to play lawyer. He proceeded to question the issuing highway patrolman for half and hour before the prosecutor jumped in and asked the bozo if he was a lawyer. Nope, the bozo replied. At this point, the judge brought a halt to the proceedings, fining the traffic violator fifty bucks and charging the bozo with practicing law without a license, which carries a $2500 fine and up to a year in jail.

Today’s bozo criminal is one of the strangest ever uncovered by the Bozo News Staff. From Edmond, Oklahoma comes a report that police there have issued an arrest warrant for bozo Edward Jefferson for attempting to sell an atomic bomb. Not a real bomb, but a homemade one he had put together with some wire, a few spare computer parts and lots of duct tape. The bozo would travel around to flea markets and swap meets attempting to sell the bomb for one million dollars, cash. He is wanted for terroristic activities.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan for providing us with today’s bozo. From Queensland, Australia comes the story of bozo Colin Moore who broke into a residence and stole a car from the garage. When the owner returned home and discovered that the car had been stolen, he thought the thief would be caught rather easily. You see, the car had a leaky transmission. A very leaky transmission. So leaky in fact that the police were able to follow a trail of transmission fluid to the nearest service station, where the clerk told them that someone had purchased some tranmission fluid only a few minutes before. The bozo paid for his purchase with his credit card and the whole transaction had been captured on the station’s security camera. Needless to say the bozo was soon apprehended.

The Bozo criminal for today violated bozo rule number 408 — never use a piece of raingear as a weapon. From the International File comes the story of Juan Mendoza of Madrid, Spain. Witnesses say it was raining last Sunday when our bozo burst into a restaurant brandishing what appeared to be a rifle and screaming, "Hands up, this is a holdup." A few moments later a waiter noticed the object the bozo was holding was not a rifle but an umbrella. He and his fellow waiters subdued the bozo and turned him and his umbrella over to the police.

The Bozo criminal for this morning learned one thing–never stiff a cabbie. From Cape Giradeau, Missouri comes the story of Jimmy Duane Eason who was arrested on two counts of robbery. The first count comes from the bozos alleged robbery of a home. The second count comes from the fact that the bozo called a cab to take him to the house and had the cab wait while he ransacked the house and then used the cab as his getaway car. When the cabbie dropped the bozo and his loot off at his house, the bozo bolted from the cab, leaving the cabbie unpaid. The cabbie called the cops and added his charge of theft of cab fare to the one the cops filed for robbery.

The Bozo criminal for today is our first ever example of a successful thief who still managed to lose money on his crime. From Dothan, Alabama comes the story of Joseph Olson who walked into a convenience store and handed the clerk a $20, asking for change. When the clerk opened the till, our bozo reached in, grabbed a handful of cash and ran out the door. One big problem–he made off with only about 15 bucks and he left his $20 bill laying on the counter.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Midway, West Virginia where bozo Peggy Sue Rhodes was on home confinement on charges of drug possession. She called her parole officer to ask for permission to go to the doctor, citing a bad case of the flu. One problem, she didn’t get the phone placed back on the hook and the parole officer was still listening on the other end as she and her boyfriend began talking about making a drug buy while she was out. Police got a warrant and went to her house the next day and busted the couple for possession of crack.