Author: dave

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Long Island, New York, where Bozo Douglas Yee was driving down the Long Island Expressway when another car cut him off, or at least he felt like the guy cut him off. Our bozo was immediately overcome by road rage, chasing down the car, flashing a fake police badge at the driver and forcing him to pull over. The bozo then jumped out of his car and rushed up to the other car, again flashing his phony police badge and berating the guy for being such a lousy driver. The other gentleman calmly got out of his car and proceeded to arrest the bozo for impersonating a police officer. You see, the man he chased down and pulled over was actually an off duty New York City detective.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Carbon County, Pennsylvania, where a group of bozos were drinking beer and discharging firearms from the rear deck of Bozo Irving Michaels’ home. The men were firing at a racoon that had the misfortune to be walking by. But the beer apparently impaired their aim and despite the estimated 35 shots fired at the poor creature, he escaped into a 3 foot drainage pipe a few feet away. Determined to terminate the animal, our bozo retreived a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the racoon out. Bozo threw a match in. Nothing. So he poured some more gas down the pipe, threw in another match and still no flames. Finally the bozo poured the whole 5 gallon can of gasoline down the drainage pipe, then proceeded to slide feet first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled our bozo back the way he had come, flying out of the pipe not unlike someone shot out of a cannon at the circus. The bozo landed with a thud in his front yard, miraculously suffering only minor injuries. No word on the whereabouts of the racoon.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from the Sometimes They Never Learn file. From Rochester, New York comes the story of Bozo Willie Lang who was released from prison after serving ten years for robbing a bank. On his first day out of prison what did he do? He went out and robbed another bank. Obviously he didn’t hone his bank robbing skills while in prison. He’s been arrested and sent back to jail.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Welland, Ontario, Canada where Bozo Joseph Albright discovered three bags of marijuana missing from his locker at the St. Catherine’s bus terminal. Now, if you are a bozo and your marijuana turns up missing, what do you do? File a missing property claim with the police, of course. To add to the bozo’s problems, the police had seized his stash after drug sniffing dogs turned up the pot during a routine sweep of the area. When the bozo turned in his missing property report, he was immediately arrested.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File. From London, England comes the story of Bozo Justin Clark who broke into David Withers car and stole his pager. He was caught when Mr. Withers dialed his pager number and left a message saying he’d won 500 pounds in a church drawing with instructions on how to pick up the cash. Of course, the bozo showed up at the appointed place and time whereupon he was arrested.

new category in the world of Bozo Criminals today– Bozo Flying Evangelists! From the International File: in Salisbury, England comes the story of professional software salesman and part-time preacher John Holme who had what he thought was a great idea to spread the word. He’d take to the air in a motorized paraglider and use a megaphone to preach to those on the ground, thinking that the people would pay attention to a booming voice from out of the sky. He took off and soon discovered that the sound of the paraglider drowned out his preaching unless he flew very close to the ground–so low that he had to dodge trees, fences and tall pedestrians. Local authorities decided he was a hazard to both himself and people on the ground. When he landed, he was arrested, charged with reckless behavior and fined $1000 pounds.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan who passes along this story. From Columbia, South Carolina comes the story of bozo Reggie Johnson who ran an auto chop shop, selling various parts off of stolen cars. Our bozo was caught because he would grind off vehicle identification numbers from engine parts and replace them with his own social security number.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Ottawa, Canada comes the story of Bozo Albert Cox who walked into a branch of the Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce and handed the teller a note demanding all the money in her register drawer. Unfortunately, the teller spoke only French and the note was in English, so she called over her co-workers to help with the note. Alarmed by the growing crowd, the bozo fled. He ran over to a taxi he had waiting around the corner and asked the driver to take him to a neighboring city. When the driver asked if he had enough money for such a long trip, the bozo checked his pockets and then admitted he couldn’t pay. The driver pulled over and called police who came by and arrested the bozo as he was trying to hail another cab.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Pearl River, New York, where an unidentified bozo tried to hold up the Marine Midland Bank. Our bozo walked in wearing a plastic bag over his head and handed the teller a note. The teller squinted at the note but the bozo’s handwriting was so bad he couldn’t decipher it. So, the teller called over another teller who also couldn’t read it. Before long all the clerks were trying to decipher what the note said. It took about 15 minutes to figure out the first line which said, “I’ve got a gun” and by then our hapless bozo had become discouraged and left empty handed, without having said a word or showing a weapon.

he Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule #298: Don’t be a good samaritan while on the run from the law. 20 year old Denis Jesper of Miami, Florida was on the run from the police and found a good hiding place up in a tree on the seventh hole of the Miami Shores Golf Club. A golfer shanked his drive into some bushes below the bozo. When the golfer came looking for his ball, the bozo shouted down to him, telling him where the ball was. The golfer was happy for the help, but the idea of a grown man up in a tree struck him as rather odd. He reported the incident when he got back to the clubhouse. Police arrived, found the bozo still up in the tree and arrested him.

The Bozo criminals for today come from Wichita, Kansas where bozos Terry Simon and Shawn Horace were planning on robbing a liquor store. Unfortunately for them, just as they were walking up to the store to rob it, a police car pulled up. The sight of the police car so spooked our bozos that they began running away. One of the bozos decided it might be a good idea to get rid of his weapon and as he was pulling it out of his pants, it went off, firing one round which not only passed thru the bozo’s leg, it also wounded his friend in the foot. Seeing that this just wasn’t their day, the bozos limped up to the cops and turned themselves in.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the "Sometimes It’s Best to Leave Well Enough Alone" file. From Harwinton, Connecticut, comes the story of Jane Whitus who complained to the Mayor that speeders were ruining her neighborhood by ignoring posted speed limits. The Mayor intervened in her behalf by asking the state police to set up a radar trap to cut down on speeders in her area. And the first person caught in the speed trap? The husband of the woman who had complained.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Oneida, New York where bozo Ronnie Mason sold some drugs to a man who paid for the dope with a check for $1500. The only problem for our bozo was that he couldn’t cash the check since it was on an out of state bank. So what did our bozo do? He called the police, of course. And told them the whole story. Police didn’t help him with the check but did arrest him for drug trafficking.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Oregon City, Oregon where bozo Mary Friedrich was arrested twelve times in the last year on forgery and theft charges. Better make that thirteen times now as she was recently released from jail after posting $12,000 bond, using forged money orders. After noticing their error, Mary was soon back behind bars at the Clackamas County Jail, which now no longer accepts money orders.

The Bozo criminal for this morning comes from Elmont, Long Island, New York where bozo Tommy Johnson broke into a bakery. He cleaned out the cash register and grabbed the TV, setting it on the counter, ready to be carted off. Then our bozo found the chocolate donuts. He decided to have one, then another and, you know how it is with donuts, you just can’t stop eating them. Anyway, the bozo ate a half a box of the chocolate donuts and then sat down to take a break. And fell asleep. An employee came in to open up, found him and called police. Officers arrived, woke up our bozo and arrested him.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Raleigh, North Carolina where bozo Michael Gilbert and a couple of accomplices tried to hold up a convenience store. Bozo Michael went in to hold up the store, leaving his friend and his girlfriend waiting in the getaway car. While bozo Michael was inside, bozo friend and girlfriend became romantically involoved, so to speak. They began making out in the car and locked the doors so they wouldn’t be disturbed. Poor bozo Michael was pounding on the door, begging to be let in to the car when the cops arrived.

We may have more than one bozo in this story. You’ll have to decide for yourself. From the International File in Cornwall, England comes the story of a bozo named Mark Looney–the name alone should tell you something. It seems bozo Looney is actually an American restaurant doorman but somehow he was able to talk himself onto the Royal Air Force base in Cornwall, claiming to be a highly decorated American Lieutenant. For five days he regaled the base personnel with stories of his imaginary exploits in Bosnia, at the same time taking advantage of the base’s free food and drink. Our bozo was found out when someone noticed that the medals Lieutenant Looney was so proudly displaying were fake ones, made of plastic.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Santa Rosa, California where bozo Fred Simpson was arrested for armed robbery. Our bozo’s problems began when he bozo held up cabbie James Hooper, using what was described as "a large caliber handgun." After getting the cabbie’s money, the bozo was running down the street when said large caliber gun went off, shooting our fleeing bozo in the foot. The bozo was able to limp away, but he left behind a trail of blood which police were able to follow to a nearby trailer park where the bozo was arrested.

The Bozo criminals for today come from Poughkeepsie, New York where Timothy Martin and Nicholas Polys, both 24, were stopped by state police. One of the cops noticed a marijuana bong in the car and a subsequent search turned up more paraphenalia and a substance that appeared to be marijuana. Police confiscated the bong and the substance and let the bozos go pending testing of the substance. One of the bozos then asked the cop for a small favor–after the case was over, would the police be so kind as to give back the bong? Bozo went on to explain that it was an heirloom bong that had been passed down among friends for at least 15 years and he’d hate to lose it. His request was denied.

The Bozo criminal for today isn’t a real criminal… but he’s such a bozo that we couldn’t keep from honoring him. From Hannibal, Missouri comes the story of Stan Cassell who decided that his Chevy needed washing. So, what would a bozo in Hannibal, Missouri with a dirty car do? Head down to the Mississippi river and back the dirty car in, of course. When our bozo got out to start cleaning, the current of the mighty Mississippi caused the car to float downstream. Police were able to retreive the car some distance downriver. Authorities decided not to charge our bozo with anything because, as one officer said, "You can’t ticket a guy for being stupid."