Author: dave

The

The Bozo criminal for this morning is from Dallas, Texas. Bozo Vashon Rhymes stole an inner city passenger bus from the Greyhound terminal downtown. It seems our bozo knew how to start the bus and get it going but unfortunately he didn’t know how to release the parking brake. Consequently the back of the bus caught fire not too far down the road. Police arrested the bozo when he left his smoldering bus to go into a nearby Waffle House to call for help.

The Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan for passing along this Bozo Report. From the International File in Brasilia, Brazil comes the story of Bozo Eduardo Sanchez who tried to break into a house by crawling through the iron grillwork covering the windows. The bozo got partially through when his pants got caught in the grillwork. Not wanting to give up, the bozo removed his pants and kept trying to squeeze through. This time he made it about halfway in when he got stuck. The homeowner returned home to find our bozo, wearing only a pair of white underpants, stuck tight between the burglar bars. Police had to call the fire department rescue team to come and cut down our very embarassed bozo.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Las Vegas, Nevada where Bozo Edward Baker was arrested for shoplifting. He apparently found a shirt he liked at a local department store, took it into the dressing room, put it on and walked out of the store. So, how was he caught? The bozo left behind his old shirt–and in the front pocket of that shirt was his paycheck stub, complete with his name and address.

The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule number 5554: Be very careful who you take your road rage out on. From Murray City, Ohio comes the story of Steven Frees who became irritated at the way another motorist was driving. He pulled alongside and motioned for the motorist to pull over, which he did. Our bozo then walked up to the car and punched the offending motorist in the mouth. Bad idea. The man he punched was the Murray City assistant chief of police who arrested him on the spot for assault.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from San Bernadino, California where Bozo Frank Flores led the California Highway patrol on a high speed freeway chase until his car ran out of gas. At this time, most criminals would either give themselves up or jump from the car and run. Not gonna happen when you’re dealing with a bozo. Instead, the bozo jumps out of his car, runs to the back and begins pushing it. Cops pulled up and called him a tow truck after arresting him.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Sioux Falls, Soputh Dakota where a homeowner came home and caught Bozo Lewis Anderson rummaging thru his house. Our bozo was so frightened by the homeowner that he jumped out of a second story window. Miraculously, he was uninjured and was able to hop in his car and speed away. Unfortunately, he sped right by a patrolling police car, which gave chase. The bozo then crashed into a light pole, but was again uninjured and took off on foot, with the police in hot pursuit. Running down the street, out bozo passed a couple of joggers. For reasons known only to the bozo he told the joggers that he was running from the cops. The joggers, hearing this, kicked it into high gear, catching up to the bozo and holding him until the police caught up.

The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 6549: Be sure you are well rested before committing a crime. From Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Walter Mitchell who broke into a home, ransacked it, grabbing some jewelry and a few other items. The bozo then headed downstairs where he spotted what appeared to be a comfy chair. The bozo decided to try out the comfy chair and promptly fell asleep. The homeowner arrived home, found the bozo and called the cops who came by and rousted sleeping beauty, charging him with burglary.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Farmingdale, New York where bozo Raymond Lerner walked up to a restaurant cashier and demanded money. The nervous cashier, while handing the gun-toting bozo his cash, dropped some of it on the floor underneath the counter. The bozo placed his gun on the counter and bent down to pick up the fallen money. The cashier then grabbed the bozo’s gun, firing a shot at the flustered thief as he rushed out the door. The bozo hopped in his car, peeled out and promptly ran into another car in the parking lot. The cops came by and arrested the bozo, who now had no money, no gun and a wrecked car.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Buenos Aires, Argentina comes the story of Marcos Guerro, who for three years had been a wanted man, managing to elude authorities on drug charges. Then our bozo decided to change careers. Perhaps he should have chosen a less visible line of work. Our bozo took up boxing and last Saturday night was featured in a live match on TV. Cops watching the fight recognized the guy and when his fight was over, police were waiting ringside with a warrant and a pair of handcuffs.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Santiago, Chile comes the story of Jesus Ibarra who robbed a grocery store and then waited for the cops to come by and arrest him. He actually wanted to be arrested. When the cops asked why, our bozo had perhaps the stupidest excuse of all time. It seems our bozo wanted to marry a young lady whose father was locked away in jail. The bozo figured the only way he could get to see her father to ask for her hand in marriage was to commit a crime and hope to be put in a jail cell next to his.

The Bozo criminal for today was maybe just a little too honest. From Los Angeles, California comes the story of Bozo Walter Russell who was a suspect in a robbery of a convenience store. The police brought the clerk in to see if he could pick the bozo out of a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to say the words, "Give me all your money or I’ll shoot," the bozo shouted, "But that’s not what I said!"

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Cheryl Watson who passed along our Bozo story for today. From Los Angeles, California comes the story of Bozo Kevin Kramer who was arrested for a bank robbery. It seems our bozo pulled off a daring daylight robbery without a hitch. So, why was he caught? It was the clothes. The bozo wore a shirt bearing the name of the company he worked for as well as the bozo’s own name, written right over the shirt pocket. Cops simply called the bozo’s employer and were able to track him down.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan for passing along this Bozo Report. From Portland, Oregon comes the story of Bozo Duane Brunson who hailed a taxi to a Bank of America branch, which he robbed. The taxi driver, who was unaware of the robbery also drove the bozo away afterward, dropping him off on a street corner a couple of miles away. The FBI later questioned the cabbie who could not help them other than to confirm that he had given the bozo a ride. As luck would have it, the bozo needed a cab later in the day, called the same cab company and got the same cabbie, who immediately called the FBI after dropping him off. The FBI quickly caught up with the bozo, who was still carrying the holdup note in his shirt pocket.

The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule number 4678: It’s best to keep a low profile when you’re a wanted man. Our story comes from Lewiston, Idaho where Bozo Allen Strebeck was set to get married at the county courthouse when a jail sergeant recognized him as a man named in an arrest warrant for failure to pay a fine. After the magistrate performed the ceremony, the officer confronted the bozo with the arrest warrant and was preparing to arrest him when members of the wedding party passed the hat and came up with enough money to pay the bozo’s fine.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File where our bozo was foiled by modern technology. The Dominion Bank in St. Catherine’s Ontario has set up a new type of branch bank which basically consists of rows of ATM machines attended by only one employee. Our bozo walked into the bank of ATM machines and shouted, "This is a stickup!" When none of the ATMs responded, he shouted again, and again. Finally realizing that he was getting nowhere with the machines, the bozo became discouraged and walked out.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Hartford, Connecticut where Bozo Michael Carter was arrested for robbery. When being questioned by police, our bozo stated that there was no way any of the witnesses could identify him as the robber. Why? "Because," the bozo said to the officer, "I was was wearing a mask."

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Las Vegas, Nevada where Bozo Richard Trent was concerned that the description that the police were circulating of a person wanted for assault sounded a lot like him. So, he called the cops to try to clear things up. And clear things up he did, for while he was not responsible for the crimes in Vegas, when police ran a routine check on his name, they found that he was a fugitive from California, wanted for several crimes there, including assault. Since he was kind enough to give his real name and address, the police stopped by and arrested him.

The Bozo criminal for today is from the International File. These bozos had a pretty good idea, they just chose the wrong time to try to pull it off. Police in Medellin, Columbia were on routine patrol when they noticed a hearse and another car moving slowly along the highway, a two car funeral procession. The cops pulled them over and noticing that the driver of the hearse seemed rather nervous, decided to check things out. Looking in the back of the hearse, the police found not a casket but instead a large crate filled with 1300 pounds of marijuana. The passengers and the driver, all dressed in funeral black, were arrested. And just what was it that aroused the cops suspicions in the first place? It was because our bozos decided to stage their fake funeral at two in the morning.

Thanks to several bozo news hawks who pointed out this story in Ann Landers’ column. From Montreal, Canada comes the story of a couple making a good living stealing high quality designer clothing and then selling it out of their house. Their troubles began when their house was robbed, with the thief getting away with several of the items of clothing that the bozos themselves had stolen. So, the bozos did just what you would expect them to do. They called the cops to report that their stolen clothing had been stolen. Whne the police arrived to investigate, the couple asked them to wait in the hall while they rushed around the house, stuffing clothing into closets. While they were racing around, the police noticed several people sitting in the living room. When questioned, they told them that they were at the house to buy clothing, which they presumed to be stolen. A search of the house turned up $75,000 in stolen clothing and a book of clients and their phone numbers. The only clothing these bozos will be dealing with for a while has black and white stripes.