Author: dave

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Coram, New York where Bozo James Prescott heard police knocking on his front door. He knew they were there to serve him with a warrant for petty larceny and assault. So, our bozo decides he will try to escape–through a roof vent. Once on the roof, with the house surrounded, the bozo realizes his only hope for getaway is to flee through a sump that leads to an underground sewer pipe. One problem, the sewer pipe is only 18 inches wide. Still, our bozo managed to squirm about 200 feet before getting stuck. And there he stayed, literally trying to keep his head above water and above everything else while praying no one in the house flushes a toilet. He waited for the cops to go away. They didn’t. Finally, after being stuck in the pipe for five hours, he called out for the cops to come rescue him, which they did, just before they hosed down and arrested him.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Roanoke, Virginia and should be placed in the "If at first you don’t get busted, try, try again" file. 26 year old Tracy Freeman was acquitted by a jury of possession of cocaine because a key piece of evidence , a bag of crack, was not found in his possession. Four hours after the bozo was released, a cop pulled him over because of expired license plates. A search of the car uncovered…a bag of crack! He was back in jail before sundown.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Sacramento, California where Bozo Jason Ellis pulled off two armed robberies. Police suspected our bozo in the robberies bur couldn’t prove anything. In fact he might have gotten away with it all if only he hadn’t decided to do that rap album. Yes, our bozo took some of his ill begotten money and formed his own rap group, the Romper Room Gang, putting out an album called The Rompalation. One track on the album described in detail a hold up that was remarkably similar to one of the hold ups the police suspected our bozo of pulling. Similar enough for the cops to arrest the bozo and 26 member of his "posse." They’re all singing a different tune now, from jail.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Rockford, Illinois where 22 year old bozo Michael Warren was having a couple of drinks at the local bar when a TV reporter asked if he could interview him for a story he was doing on underage drinking. Since he was above the legal age the bozo agreed. Sure enough the story ended up on the 10 o’clock news. All this would have been well and good except for the fact that our bozo was a wanted fugitive. A local detective saw the story, recognized him and now our bozo is cooling his heels in jail.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan via the internet. From Ipswich, Australia comes the story of bozo Nigel Gilliam who was pulled over for driving without a license. When the officer asked him for his ID, the bozo panicked and gave him the name of a friend instead of his own. Police checked the friend’s name in their computer and found he was wanted on more than a dozen traffic offenses. The cops cleared up the confusion and arrested not only our bozo but also his friend. The bozo was quoted as saying as he was being taken away, "I’ve got to get some new friends."

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Montreal, Canada, comes the story of Bozo Marianne Reiser who was arrested and charged with assault of her husband. It was her method that gets her into the bozo hall of fame. It seems her victim is allergic to peanuts and breaks out in a rash whenever he comes incontact with them. Bozo wife decided the easiest way to get rid of him would be to smear peanut butter over his face while he was sleeping. The husband escaped injury when he woke up and took his allergy medicine–right after calling police.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan who reports in with today’s Bozo Criminal Story. From the Didn’t Know When to Leave Well Enough Alone File comes the story of bozo Randall Carlson who was doing time for arson in jail in Alabama. During his stint in jail, our bozo accumulated a collection of 150 boxes of matches which he fashioned together into a crude bomb and mailed to the federal appeals court. Fortunately, the bomb did not go off. Unfortunately for the bozo, he put his name and return address on the package.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Miamisburg, Ohio where Bozo Anthony Heath decided to break into the Captain D’s Seafood Restaurant. Our bozo used what is known in the bozo trade as the Santa Claus approach. He tried to slide into the building by climbing down an exhaust vent over the deep fat fryers. He made it about halfway down before getting stuck. Employees arrived the next morning to find the bozo’s feet hanging from the vent and muffled cries for help coming from inside. Our bozo was promptly cut out and arrested.

The Bozo criminal for today doesn’t really qualify as a criminal but he is such a bozo that we couldn’t let the story slip by without honoring him. From Hornell, New York, comes the story of Heath Hess who decided to walk along the railroad tracks to get away from the noisy street so he could talk on his cell phone. Our bozo stuck a finger in his other ear to cut out all outside noise while he talked–and we do mean all outside noise. Including that of an approaching train. The bozo was so wrapped up in his conversation that he didn’t even hear the train’s horn. The engineer on the train saw the bozo on the tracks and tried everything he could think of to warn him. In a last ditch effort, the engineer threw a water bottle at the bozo, finally getting his attention. He was able to leap from the tracks just as the train passed by. The bozo was treated at the hospital for bruises, abrasions and extreme stupidity.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston, Texas where bozo Robert Townes was arrested by police for burglary of several homes in a well-to-do section of town. Police rousted him while he was sleeping in the front seat of his pickup truck in front of a home that had been burglarized. Loot from several other burglaries was in the back of the truck. It seems the bozo raided the refrigerator at his last stop and the combination of food, beer and a hard day’s work put him to sleep–and put him into jail.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston, Texas where bozo Robert Townes was arrested by police for burglary of several homes in a well-to-do section of town. Police rousted him while he wassleeping in the front seat of his pickup truck in front of a home that had been burglarized. Loot from several other burglaries was in the back of the truck. It seems the bozo raided the refrigerator at his last stop and the combination of food, beer and a hard day’s work put him to sleep–and put him into jail.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersberg, Florida where Bozo William Higgins was found guilty of defrauding the government by claiming total disability for a military injury. For 22 years, our bozo put on an arm brace, got in a wheelchair and reported to the local federal building to pick up his disability check. All the while he had been working full time as a house painter. He was discovered when someone recoginized him working on a house a few blocks down from the federal building.

The Bozo criminals for today come from the International File. From Resistencia, Argentina comes the story of the two bozos who stopped at a fast food restauarant and asked for permission to use the restroom. The store manager gave them the key and the bozos proceeded to yank the toilet out and load it on the back of their getaway vehicle, a small motor scooter. At least they tried to load it on their motor scooter. The bozos were still trying to balance two people and a toilet on the back of the scooter when police arrived.

The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 6468: If you’re going to do the crime, at least try to be inconspicuous while doing it. From Massapequa, Long Island comes the story of bozo Lynn Reeves who walked into the Sunrise Mall topless with her naked two year old daughter in tow. She headed for the T.J. Maxx clothing store and proceeded to try on some clothes. Finding some she liked, she tried to walk out without paying. She was met at the door by the police.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from our Road Rage file. From Tampa, Florida comes the story of Bozos Cecille Herbert and LaTonya Wright. It seems Cecille cut off LaTonya in traffic. Angered by this, LaTonya pulled up by Cecille and a passenger in her car mooned her. Well, this really set Cecille off since she had her children in the car. So what does she do? She reaches under the seat and pulls out a gun, threatening the other car with it. At the next light, LaTonya pulls up beside Cecille and hurls a burrito at her. Fortunately for both bozos, all this activity has attracted a nearby patrollman who arrests them both.

The We have a new category for today: Bozo Criminal–hopeless romantic division. Our bozo for today didn’t have criminal intent, but ended up arrested anyway. From Lawrenceville, Georgia comes the story of Bozo Arnold Kaye who had a very special date lined up. He was going to take his girlfriend to the new Robert Redford movie, "The Horse Whisperer." To impress her, our bozo thought it would be romantic to take her to the movie in a horse drawn carriage. So, he got a pony, hitched it up to a carriage, picked up his girlfriend and the two headed to the movies. He parked his carriage in the movie parking lot and went inside with his date to enjoy the flick. When they emerged from the movie, the police were waiting for him. It seems you have to have a license to drive a horse drawn carriage in Lawrenceville. The cops took the pony to the animal shelter and charged our bozo with cruelty to animals and animal abandonment. To make matters worse, his soon to be ex-girlfriend! isn’t speaking to him.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Jacksonville Beach, Florida where bozo Diana Sparks was arrested for trying to sell her two year old daughter for ten bucks. Obviously needing the money to buy drugs, our bozo was caught when she called the police, asking them to run a background check on the couple, telling them the whole story. She stayed on the phone with the cops long enough that they were able to trace the call, come down and arrest the bozo and to see to it that the child was taken care of.

From the International File comes our story of bozo criminal and Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet who mailed a letter bomb to an opposing faction’s leader. Unfortunately, our bozo did not put enough postage on the letter and it came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting exactly what it was, our unfortunate bozo opened the letter, blowing himself up.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Santa Cruz, California where bozo Eumelio Garcia was in jail on theft charges. Bozo broke out of jail and went to visit his girlfriend. Within an hour he and his girlfriend were having a yelling, screaming fight. Pretty soon, the jail doesn’t look so bad to our bozo. So he heads back to jail and literally tries tries to break back in. This wasn’t quite as easy as breaking out. Our bozo has now had assault and jailbreak charges added to his sentence.

The Bozo criminal for today is somewhat unique in that he’s not a criminal, just a politician. It’ll be up to you to decide who the real bozo is. From Ontario, California comes the story of 62 year old Hale McGee who is running for congress there. During a TV appearance in Ontario, Mr. McGee flatly declared that crime was absolutely, positively without a doubt not a problem in his city. Less than an hour later, as Mr. McGee was heading home, he was robbed of 80 bucks and his cell phone.