The Bozo criminal for today comes from Las Cruces, New Mexico where Bozo Angel Flores walked into a grocery store, forced the clerk into a bathroom at gunpoint, took $200 from the till and ran outside to his getaway car. He didn’t get very far, though. Cops found the car four blocks away, out of gas. They found the bozo a little bit fruther down the road, walking to the nearest service station.
The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 3465: If you’re going to rob your own workplace, at least do a little research first. From Decatur, Georgia comes the story of Bozo Rodney Hart who was a security gurard at a local bank. After helping a customer with her safety deposit box, our bozo got the bright idea of using his vault master key to help himself to some cash. What the bozo didn’t realize was that all the bags of money in the vault had exploding dye packs in them. He was barely out of the vault when the packet exploded, blowing a hole in his pants, covering the bozo with dye and releasing tear gas. Needless to say, our hapless bozo was arrested.
The Bozo criminal for today comes from Phoenix, Arizona where U.S. Marshalls took bozo John Hall in for questioning since he fit the description of a man wanted for arson. Our bozo didn’t have any ID but denied he was the man they were looking for–no way he was John Hall, the bozo said. The marshalls said they had to fingerprint him anyway. After taking the prints, they asked the bozo to sign the fingerprint card so that it could later be identified. He did. Using his real name, John Hall. He was arrested.
From Portland, Connecticut comes the story of an unidentified bozo who entered a Burger King restaurant early one morning and demanded cash. The restaurant was not yet open and the one employee there was trying to get the cash register open when a shrill beeping sound went off. Startled, the bozo forgot all about the money and ran out of the place, thinking the beeping was a burglar alarm. It wasn’t. Just before the attempted robbery, the employee had put a batch of breakfast sandwiches in the microwave oven. The beeping was the sound of the microwave going off.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan who passed along this Bozo Report via the internet. From Oak Lawn, Illinois comes the story of Bozo Reggie Smith who walked up to a Domino’s Pizza shop, kicked in a plate glass door and demanded money. The employee gave him $200 and he fled. Police had no problem tracking him down, however. It seems our bozo cut his leg when he kicked in the glass door and officers just followed the trail of blood for a couple of blocks until they found our wounded and bleeding bozo.
The Bozo criminal for today just didn’t know when to quit. From Springfield, Illinois comes the story of Bozo Daniel Redding who was arrested and charged with conning grandmothers out of their money. He would comb thru phone books, looking for women with old fashioned first names. He would then call them, claiming to be their long lost grandson, begging them to send him money to fix his broken down car. He was turned in by one of the grannies and arrested. And as for the quitting while he was ahead part? He was slapped with another charge after using his one phone call from jail to contact a 93 year old woman to ask her to send him bail money.
The Bozo criminal for today comes from Corpus Christi, Texas where police arrested Bozo James Holloway and charged him with a series of vending machine thefts. Police were tipped off by the man’s landlord, who reported he paid his weekly rent in quarters. When police when by to visit the bozo they found not only a large pile of quarters on the floor, but a huge pile of jawbreakers right next to them.
Bozo News Hawk Award to Miller Duncan who sent us this bozo story via the internet. This guy is not really a criminal but he’s so stupid we’ve had to create a new award especially for him. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the winner of our first ever Barney Fife award for incompetence in the line of duty. From Akron, Ohio comes the story of officer Quincy Lane who was fired from the police force for not once, not twice, but for three times answering a police emergency call and forgetting to bring along his weapon.
The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 5464: When you’re in hiding, remember the purpose is to remain hidden. From Phoenix, Arizona comes the story of Steve Green who was a deadbeat dad, way behind on his child support payments. He had managed to drop out of sight and elude his ex-wife’s efforts to find him. Then one day last month our bozo found $23,000 in the street. He tunded it in to the cops and allowed his smiling face to appear in the newspaper as being the hero who turned in the money. His ex saw the picture and the cops came by and nabbed him.
Our Bozo News Hawk award goes out to Wayne Cox who sent us this report via the internet. From Charleston, South Carolina comes the story of Bozo William Haynes who walked into the downtown police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was of substandard quality and demanded that the man who sold it to him be arrested immediately. Police determined that our bozo’s brain was also of substandard quality and arrested him on the spot.
The Bozo criminal for today wins the worst excuse award. From Baltimore, Maryland comes the story of Bozo Robert Scott who was arrested and charged with firing two foot long homemade bombs from his front yard, across a busy thoroughfare to a lot behind a car wash. After spending eight hours removing all the explosive material from his house, the police asked the bozo what he was doing. The bozo replied, "There’s nothing to get excited about. I’m just doing some experiments with high powered explosives."
The Bozo criminal for today comes from Detroit, Michigan where Bozo Bobby Patrick walked into a car dealership, pulled an uzi on a salesman and demanded he give him a car. The salesman handed him the keys to an ’87 Chrysler Le Baron. Later, our bozo called the dealership to complain that the car was overheating, and they told him to bring it in. He did–and found the cops waiting for him.
The Bozo criminal for today can blame all his problems on El Nino, or whatever’s causing the hot weather… From Atlanta, Georgia comes the story of bozo Howard Whiteman who decided he had had enough of the hot weather and would steal himself an air conditioner. The bozo found one he liked, a large central unit, outside a federal office building. The only tool the bozo could find was a large meat cleaver and he used it to cut through the various hoses, pipes and other lines connected to the air conditioner. He was doing just fine until he used that large metal cleaver to hack through the electrical line. YOu guessed it–the current lit him up like a Christmas tree in July. Wne police arrived, they found our dazed and slightly singed bozo lying next to the air conditioner. And to add insult to injury, the jail isn’t air conditioned.
The Bozo criminal for today fell victim to a violation of Bozo Rule Number 5698: Be sure you have the proper tools for the job. From Windsor Locke, Connecticut comes the story of Bozo Jason Ferris who tried to smuggle an overstuffed suitcase full of marijuana through baggage claim on a flight from Chicago. The stuffed suitcase broke open a couple of times, first when a baggage handler placed it on a conveyer belt leading to the baggage claim area. Cops closed the suitcase and put it back on the conveyer to see who would claim it. When our bozo walked up to claim his suitcase, it broke open again. He was still trying to stuff 16 bags of marijuana back into the suitcase when police arrested him.
The Bozo criminal for today pushed his luck a little too far. From Philadelphia, Pennsylvania comes the story of Bozo Randall Fitch who successfully held up a bank last week. Obviously, the bozo decided this bank robbing stuff was easy, so he decided to try it again. At the same bank. Wearing the same clothes. Employees recognized him the second time around and alerted a security guard who held the bozo until police arrived.
The Bozo criminal for today picked the wrong person to rob. From the International File in Bangkok, Thailand comes the story of a bozo who tried to rob a jewelry store. The bozo, carrying a knife, demanded the owner of the store hand over all his gold "or else". Unfortunately for the bozo, the owner of the jewelry store was an off duty police officer who happened to still be carrying his service revolver. The officer pulled his gun on the bozo and held him at bay while he called for back up.
The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 1005: Never get yourself into a job you’re not qualified for. From Madison, Wisconsin comes the story of Bozo Alan Haber who stole a taxi cab. He would probably have been OK if he had just been content to steal the cab… But no… he had to pretend to be a cabbie, too! Police were tipped off about the bozo cab driver by a woman who called the cops to complain that her cabbie seemed to be a very poor driver. He had no idea where he was going and at the end of the ride couldn’t operate the timer to tell her how much she owed him. Police quickly tracked down our bozo and charged him wht car theft, drunk driving, driving without a license and impersonating a cabbie.
The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Melbourne, Australia comes the story of Bozo Rod Price who needed some time off work to look for a new job and came up with what he thought was a foolproof excuse. He told everyone at work that his father had died and then he took out a notice in the newspaper to back his story up. He was caught when his very much alive father read his own death notice in the paper and called authorities.
The Bozo criminal for today comes from the Hi-Tech File. At the Comdex Computer show last year Prescient Systems set up a booth to show how their new "Gotcha" video surveillance system worked, complete with a functioning video camera. Now, if you were a bozo looking to rob a booth at this show, which booth would you choose? Of course. The first night of the convention a couple of bozo security guards tried to steal a couple of boxes of Pentium II chips from the booth. The "Gotcha" system worked perfectly and recorded the theft on digital tape. The bozo thiefs were arrested the next day.
The Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Wayne Cox who sent us this story via the internet. From Cleveland, Ohio comes the story of Bozo Larry Simpson who successfully broke into a bank after hours. Finding that all the money was safely locked in the vault, our bozo felt he just couldn’t leave without stealing something. Looking around, he spotted the bank’s video security camera. Climbing into a chair, the bozo reached up and jerked the camera off the wall. What our bozo forgot was that the camera was connected to a video recorder in the back which got a great picture of our easily identifiable bozo stealing the camera.