Author: dave

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Beersheba, Israel. Our bozo walked into a bank, handed the teller a note demanding all the cash in the drawer. The first indication he was a bozo was that he misspelled “drawer.” The second was that he threatened to blow up the bank with a “grenade”, which in fact was an avocado he had painted black. Surprisingly, he still got away with $4450 in cash. This all worked so well that he tried the same approach five days later, again getting away with $3300 in cash. However, he went to the avocado bin one time too often, as this time the cops had surveillance video and cell phone records to go on. He’s now under arrest. The location of the weaponized avocado is unknown.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Pierce, Florida, where police working an undercover sting operation noticed a guy wearing a rather interesting shirt. Bozo Terry Smith had on a t-shirt with the word “Coke” boldly printed on the front of it. When the cop approached him, he immediately offered to sell him four crack cocaine rocks. Busted! He was also found to be in possession of marijuana and MDMA. Some guys never learn. He’s spent nearly 17 years in prison on various drug related charges, and was just released in February. He’s going back.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tampa, Florida, where bozo Fabricio Gonzalez was pulled over at 4:30 Sunday morning on a routine traffic stop. When the officer approached the vehicle, she immediately noticed a white powdery substance on his nostrils which she believed to be cocaine. His nose was swabbed and the test came back positive for coke. In the meantime, his backpack was searched, turning up a small baggie of cocaine, 250 grams of marijuana and 13 Xanax pills. Just a routine bust, right? Nope. Our bozo wasn’t going quietly. He attempted to clear things up by offering up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. While he admitted there was cocaine on his nose, he said it was not his. Huh? He didn’t offer an explanation as to how someone else’s cocaine ended up in his nostrils. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Manchester, England, where our bozo left his backpack behind when he got off the train. The lost backpack was turned in to the cops who opened it in an effort to return it to its rightful owner. What they found inside made things a little more interesting. Twenty-five tablets, a large amount of white powder, small snap bags containing white rocks, snap bags containing white powder and a scale. Oh, and the man’s ID, containing his name and address. Oops. The police are giving him the opportunity to come in and claim his stuff.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Norwich, Connecticut, where bozo Shanelle Wilson pulled up to the local McDonalds and ordered a chicken sandwich. It seems our bozo is very picky about her sandwiches as she flew into a rage when it arrived and it was “not made correctly.” She got into an argument with the manager, who was 29 weeks pregnant, slapping her and a male employee before being given a refund. But even that wasn’t enough, as she then headed to the kitchen to make the sandwich herself. More slapping and shoving ensued and the cops were called. Our bozo was arrested and charged with breach of peace and assaulting a pregnant woman. No word on whether she ever got a proper sandwich.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Slidell, Louisiana, where our unidentified bozo needed her Taco Bell fix. Really, really needed her Taco Bell. And when she arrived, she was dismayed to find that the restaurant was out of both hard and soft taco shells. So maybe she went to another Taco Bell? Nope. Maybe switched to a burger? Nah. Called 911 to report the outage? Yep. She called up the Slidell Police department to complain about the taco shortage. The cops informed her that, while this was a crisis, there was nothing they could do about it. No word if charges were filed for 911 abuse.

We have had many, many failed bozo attempts to steal ATM machines, but today’s story from Okaloosa County, Florida, may just top them all. Two masked bozos entered the Boardwalk on Okaloosa Island, whipped out a blow torch and went to work on the ATM. Things didn’t go exactly as planned when, instead of cutting into the machine, the torch welded the metal parts of the locks and hinges shut. Oops. After it became apparent they weren’t getting anywhere, our bozos packed up and left. Police hope surveillance camera pictures will lead to an arrest soon.

Bozo criminals for today from St. Clair County, Michigan, violated Bozo Rule Number 884484: Be sure the place you’re planning on robbing is actually still in business before scheduling your break-in. Our bozos used a pry bar to break into a grocery store and headed toward the pharmacy, hoping to steal medications. Unfortunately, the pharmacy in the store had been closed for some time, causing our bozos to leave empty-handed. As they left, security cameras caught a clear picture of their license plate. They’re busted! Charged with breaking and entering of a building with forced entry and malicious destruction of property.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from St. Augustine, Florida. Bozo Nicholas Carlson was pulled over after he was spotted driving erratically. As the cops approached the vehicle, our bozo sped away. A few minutes later, apparently thinking he had made a clean getaway, he called 911 to gloat. On the call he said, “what do we pay you guys for? Like I’ve driven past four cops.” He then went on to brag that no one could catch him because his Hyundai was really fast. He was wrong. He was pulled over and a quick look inside the vehicle found numerous drug paraphernalia, including several pipes, a jar full of marijuana, THC wax, a small bag containing an unknown white powder, and a dish containing a pink tinted crystal substance. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today from Alpena, Michigan when to the well, or in this case, Walmart, one time too many. Bozo Matthew Alexander entered the store around 1:30 am and took several items from the electronics department, exiting through the garden department and dragging the loot to his car nearby. This worked so well, he decided to try again. Twenty minutes later, he entered the store again, grabbed a shopping cart, filled it with more electronics and again left through the garden center. Guess he got home and discovered he still had some empty space in his house so he returned again 30 minutes later and once again left with a bunch of stuff. However, this time the alert Walmart employees were onto him. Someone got the license plate number and called the cops. Police found the items, including three 50-65-inch TV’s, a drone, an AT&T cell phone, a computer building kit, a flashlight, a Schwinn bicycle, a HP Pavilion Desktop, a PS4 Racing Wheel, and a Western Digital 6TB Hard Drive at his home. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Zephyrhills, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a domestic disturbance. It seems our 27-year-old bozo Cody Clark had gotten into some kind of argument with his mother. So, he picked up a weapon and hurled it at her. Guess they were perhaps eating dinner at the time as the weapon he threw was a corn cob. Yep. A corn cob. No serious injuries were reported. He was arrested and charged with domestic battery.

From Fort Pierce, Florida, comes our Bozo Excuse of the Week. Cops gave chase to a vehicle they saw run a red light. After a short pursuit the pickup truck pulled over and that’s when our bozo offered up this classic excuse. He said he ran the light and fled from the cops because “his pants were down.” Further investigation found that there was another passenger in the car, who was apparently performing a sex act on him at the time of the alleged offense. Crack cocaine and a crack pipe was also found in the truck. His companion was charged with drug possession and prostitution after she admitted the drugs were hers. Our bozo was sited for running a red light.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 112218: If you’re going to steal a car, be sure what type of fuel it takes. Police in Crooked River Ranch, Oregon, where police were called to a report of a domestic disturbance. It seems our bozo had threatened his stepfather with a gun, then stole a vehicle before fleeing with his girlfriend and his three year old son. Three hours later a tow truck called the police with a tip that he had been called to tow a stalled vehicle that matched the description of the stolen car. The police were able to arrest our bozo without further incident. Oh, did we forget one vital piece of information? Our bozo had noticed the car was low on fuel so instead of stopping at a gas station, he stole a gas can from a barn and put the fuel in the tank. One problem. The gas can was full of diesel fuel. And the car ran on regular gas. Oops. He’s busted, charged with menacing, pointing a firearm at another, unlawful use of a weapon, second degree burglary, third degree theft and being a felon in possession of a firearm.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Lincoln, Nebraska. Police were called to a residence on a report of domestic assault. Upon arrival, they were looking for the suspect, our bozo, Markel Lucas, who had two outstanding arrest warrants. They spotted a man matching our bozo’s description sitting in a car outside the residence. However, when they asked him his name, he replied that he was “Deangelo Thompson.” OK. Except for one small problem. He was wearing an ID lanyard around his neck with the name “Markel Lucas” on it. Oops. He’s busted! Charged with resisting arrest, obstructing a government operation, false reporting, child neglect and third-degree domestic assault.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in this doozy from Cashmere, Washington. It seems bozo Cameron Wilcox, a convicted felon, was walking around with a pistol tucked in his pants when it discharged, sending a bullet through his testicles and into his thigh. Being a con, who cannot possess a firearm, instead of heading straight to the hospital, he had his girlfriend drive him to a park where he gave the pistol to a friend. Not sure on how he planned on explaining the gunshot wound, but his troubles multiplied once he got to the hospital. While doctors were performing surgery, a baggie of marijuana slipped out of our bozo’s anus. Strike one. Police officers were called and a search of our bozo’s car turned up a bag of methamphetamine and the blood stained jeans he had worn to the hospital. Strike two. Police declined to arrest our bozo at this point, instead instructing him to appear at a regional justice facility two weeks later. He did, and during a strip search, another balloon of marijuana slipped from his anus. Strike three. He was placed under arrest, but he wasn’t done yet. He used his phone call to tell his girlfriend not to cooperate with authorities. Of course, the call was monitored by the cops. Strike four. He’s been charged with second-degree felon in possession of a firearm, unlawful possession of meth, possession of a controlled substance in a correctional facility and tampering with a witness.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Key West, Florida, where the cops only had to step out of the front door of headquarters to arrest our bozo. It seems bozos Gary Moore and Crystal Ferguson had been partying in the coastal town, consuming a pint of vodka. And, as often happens, one thing led to another and our bozos found themselves in a amorous mood. So they headed for the nearest hotel, right? Nope. Maybe to the beach? Nah. At least found a secluded area? No way. Dropped trou and began having sex on the sidewalk in front of the Key West Police Department? Right! Bozo Gary was arrested and charged with indecent exposure. Bozo Crystal was found to be severely intoxicated and was taken to the hospital for treatment.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Southington, Connecticut. The cops were called to the Cadillac Ranch Restaurant there after highly intoxicated bozo Jesse Walker refused to leave the bar at closing time. Seeing that he was not a man to be reasoned with, the police loaded him into the back of a squad car to take him to jail to sober up. End of story, right? Wrong. They failed to take his cellphone and our bozo was able to dial 911 for help from the police car. Over and over and over again. You can now add interfering with an officer and abuse of the 911 system to the public intoxication charges.

Bozo criminals for today come from Charlotte, North Carolina, where our unidentified bozos stole a van for the “Unknown Brewing Company”, complete with big logos for the bar painted all over it. This in itself was a bad idea, but we’re sure our bozos didn’t expect what happened next. The brewery posted a picture of the stolen van on social media, along with an offer to throw a “keg party” for anyone who found it. Never underestimate the power of beer. Almost immediately, tips started to “pour” in, with a photo of the vehicle’s whereabouts being posted within 42 minutes. In honor of the van’s theft and return, the brewery is offering up a new beer, “Van Theft Auto”, which it will sell for 25 cents a pint to celebrate.

Bozo criminal for today comes from West Chester, Pennsylvania, where the cops were called to a report of a large stone lion stolen from the front porch of a residence. The homeowner had a security camera which provided the police a video of the theft, which they promptly posted online. That must have done the trick, as within hours, the lion was returned, along with a bouquet of flowers and a card. “Sorry, we were supposed to take the lion on the next street over…”

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Niagara County, New York, where bozo Sharon Wilson wanted to go visit her boyfriend in jail but had no car. No problem. Call Uber, right? Wrong. Ask a friend for a ride? Nope. Steal a car and drive yourself? Sure. Things were going smoothly as she drove to the jail and parked without incident. It was when she decided to leave that her true bozo tendencies came out. She started driving recklessly around the jail parking lot which got the attention of the sheriffs. She fled the lot with the cops in hot pursuit, leading them on a high speed chase before finally being stopped in the city of Lockport when she hit a police car head-on. She is charged with possession of stolen property, reckless endangerment, fleeing a police officer, trespass, reckless driving and imprudent speed. The good news is she won’t have to drive far to visit her boyfriend next time.