Author: dave

Nobody ever said being a stupid crook is easy work and we’d get no arguments from today’s bozo. From Albuquerque, New Mexico comes the story of bozo mastermind Charles Fenton who kicked a hole in the wall of a portable building at the Bernalillo County Detention Center, enabling six prisoners to flee. Our bozo planned to escape by the same route but he used so much energy kicking the hole in the wall that he just had to lie down and take a little nap. He was awakened by guards who hauled him back to his cell.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Muskegon Heights, Michigan where bozo Janet Simon shoplifted a number of items from the local dollar store. As she sprinted through the parking lot, she dropped her purse, which contained her drivers license. The police didn’t even have time to try to track her down, however, as a short time later our bozo called the cops to see if anyone had turned in that lost purse. Yes, said the officer, but you’ll have to come down to the station house to pick it up. She did. She was arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Oklahoma where bozo Ronald Thomas was serving a 12 year sentence for burglary. Our bozo somehow managed to steal a corrections department van and escaped from a prison work crew. Once on the outside he faced a quandry familiar to all bozos…Where do I go? He drove around for a while and then got completely, totally, hopelessly lost. So he pulled into a convenience store parking lot in Garden City, Kansas, dialed 911 and asked for the police to please come pick him up and take him back to jail. The cops were happy to oblige.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File. London, England is the home of newlywed bozos Joanne Darby and her husband, Che, who stole a $500 wedding dress from a local bridal shop. Operating under the theory that it doesn’t do you much good to have a wedding dress unless you can wear it, our bozo bride posed for a wedding picture in the stolen dress. When the picture turned up in the local paper, the owner of the shop recognized the dress and called the cops. The lovebirds have been charged with theft.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Shannon Brown for sending in this one from Metarie, Louisiana. Bozos Johnny Johnson and Reggie Shaffer had big plans to rob a convenience store. Our bozos pulled up right in front, jumped out of the car, put on their ski masks and went in to do the job, leaving their vehicle running for a quick getaway. What they didn’t count on was a store employee in the parking lot who saw the whole thing. While they were inside he jumped into their car, drove it around the block and called the cops. You can imagine the surprised look on our bozos faces when they came out of the store and found their getaway vehicle gone. They took off on foot but it didn’t take the cops long to track them down and arrest them.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Eddie Stair for sending in today’s report. From Campbell County, Tennessee comes the story of bozo Bryan Vance who broke into The Big Orange Tavern. Passersby noticed the broken window and called the cops. By the time the officers arrived our bozo was long gone, but he left behind plenty of evidence. There was blood smeared around the tavern from a cut he received when he broke the window. There were also several snack food wrappers and empty beer cans scattered around. But it was what was left outside that sealed our bozo’s fate. The police noticed a trail of beer cans, full ones, leading from the tavern directly to our bozo’s home. It seems that when he decided to head back to his house, our bozo filled a large plastic trash bag with beer and dragged it behind him, never noticing that there was a hole in the bag.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fairbanks, Alaska where bozo Mark Duncan stole a checkbook. Trying to take advantage of his newfound fortune, our bozo went down to the local Safeway and wrote a check for $83 on the account. This was not the wisest move our bozo could have made. The Safeway where our bozo tried to cash the bad check was the same Safeway where he was employed. He’s under arrest for theft and forgery.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who spotted this story in the Los Angeles Times. From Pasadena, California comes the story of a group of bozos with big plans. They hatched up a scheme in which they posed as military officials seeking to buy several gold products, such as gold wire and gold sheets, for use by the Jet Propulsion Laboratory on the Space Shuttle. These items, worth over $1.5 million, were to be billed to the Jet Propulsion Lab and shipped to an office our bozos had set up in Pasadena. The firm they were negotiating with, accustomed to dealing with the federal government, thought something might be up and called federal agents when they noticed that the person who had filled out the requisition form for the gold, a Sgt. Michael Jeffries, had misspelled the word "sergeant" on the form.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Harare, Zimbabwe comes the story of a female bozo who planned on smuggling some marijuana on a flight from Zimbabwe to London. Our bozo had about 14 pounds of the stuff…it was where she chose to hide it that got her into trouble. She crammed the marijuana into her underwear, specifically on her back side. The customs agents said she looked like one of the "Big Butts" family from the old Saturday Night Live sketch. She never made it onto the plane, which was a good thing because she probably would never have fitted into the seat anyway.

Bozo criminal for today comes from our Beware of Bozos Bearing Gifts file. And thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to this one from Los Angeles. Bozo Russell Carson worked for one of the large overnight delivery services where he allegedly stole about $14,000 worth of packages between October and December. At Christmas our bozo overwhelmed his family members with extravagant gifts. He told them that he was making good money and had bought the gifts himself. Family members thought otherwise and called the cops. Our bozo had slipped up when he didn’t bother to get gift boxes for all the presents. He simply wrapped them in the boxes they were shipped in, with the address label of the people the packages were intended for still attached.

Bozo criminals for today come from Colleyville, Texas where two thieves stole a van load of cigarettes from a tobacco store. So far so good. But how do you make your getaway if you don’t have a vehicle? You call a taxi, of course. And since cabs aren’t on every corner in Colleyville, the police arrived before the cabbie did.

Thanks to many Bozo News Hawks who alerted me to this classic bozo that was reported by Ann Landers while I was away. From the International File in Bristol, England comes the story of bozo Nigel Firth who shoplifted a couple of live lobsters from their tank in a supermarket and stuffed them into his pants. He was sprinting for the exit when he came to a screeching, and screaming, halt. The lobsters were none too happy to be stuffed in our bozo’s pants and so they did what lobsters do. They used their large and powerful claws to clamp down on whatever was available. Emergency medical technicians were called and had to pry the lobsters loose using pliers. Doctors say our bozo will recover, but will never be a daddy. Thinking he had gone through enough, the supermarket manager declined to prosecute.

(Best of Bozo) From Minneapolis, Minnesota comes the story of bozo Florence Williams who walked into a bar with a parrot in a box. She then began asking patrons of the bar if they would like to buy a parrot. One of the men in the bar took a look at the parrot and said, "That’s a good looking bird. In fact, I’ve got one just like it at home." A little later when the man returned home, he found his apartment had been broken into and the bird stolen. He called the cops who stopped by the bar and found the woman still there, still trying to sell the bird.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminals for today come from the International File. From Resistencia, Argentina come the story of the two Bozos who stopped at a fast food restaurant and asked for permission to use the restroom. The Bozos then went into the restroom, yanked out the toilet and loaded it onto the back of their motor scooter. Or, maybe tried to load it onto their motor scooter would be more correct. The Bozos were still trying to balance two people, and one toilet on the back of a motor scooter when police arrived.

(Best of Bozo) Thanks to several Bozo news hawks who pointed out this story in a recent Ann Landers column. From Salina, Kansas comes the story of several plainclothes police officers who were at a residence conducting a search for illegal drugs. Their task was tougher than they thought it would be. You see, they kept getting interrupted by all the walk up drug traffic and phone calls from would be buyers. Finally, the cops called in reinforcements on the form of several officers who parked their marked cars in front of the house. This still didn’t stop the steady stream of would be Bozo drug buyers. Finally, the cops set up an assembly line type operation where they let the Bozos in the front door, arrested them and led them out the back to be carted off to jail.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo rule # 5353: REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU MAY HAVE HEARD, IT’S NOT A GOOD IDEA TO RETURN TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME. From Philadelphia, Pennsylvania comes the story of Bozo Patrick McCrew who pulled his beat up cowboy hat down almost over his eyes and held up a bank, getting away with a few hundred dollars. Things were going fine for our Bozo until he decided to return to the same bank a few days later to open up an account, wearing the same beat up cowboy hat. The teller he robbed recognized him and called the cops, who arrived before he was able to fill out all his new account paperwork.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sioux Falls, South Dakota where a homeowner came home and caught Bozo Lewis Anderson rummaging through his house. Our Bozo was so frightened by the homeowner that he jumped out of a second story window. Miraculously, he was uninjured and was able to hop in his car and speed away. Unfortunately he sped right past a patrolling police car, which gave chase. The Bozo then crashed into a light pole, but was again uninjured and took off on foot, with the police in hot pursuit. Running down the street, our Bozo passed a couple of joggers. For reasons known only to the Bozo, he told the joggers that he was running from the cops and they, too, began pursuing the Bozo. By now, our hapless Bozo was beginning to run out of steam and was caught by the joggers who held him until the police caught up.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Sgt. Thomas C. Thomason of the Sun City Arizona Sheriff’s posse for today’s report. It’s the story of bozo Frank Hart who was in the process of burglarizing a business when a couple of sheriff’s deputies noticed him. The cops ordered our bozo to put his hands up but he ran. Right down an alley and up to a cement block wall. A big wall, too, about five feet tall and two feet thick. Our bozo scaled it in one bound. And that was probably the biggest mistake he made that day. He had climbed into the Sun City Sheriff’s posse compound where he found himself surrounded by 15 patrol cars. He was quickly arrested.

Bozo criminals for today come from Tyler, Texas where a couple of teenage bozos worked for a major electronics retailer. The two somehow figured out a way to activate the gift cards that the store sells and went on a little shopping spree. After allegedly trying to purchase a palm pilot, a mini disc recorder and a couple of video games our bozos ran into trouble at the check out counter. The cashier suspected something was up when she ran the gift card through the register and noticed that it wasn’t for the usual $20, $50 or $100. Nope, our bozos had made themselves a gift card worth $100,000. The cops were called and the high rollers arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Lou Bragg of Summerville, South Carolina for today’s report. It seems police there received a report of a vehicle which had almost caused an accident at a busy intersection. Police traced the car to a residence and as they pulled up, they spotted two men leaving in the vehicle. The officer pulled them over and the driver of our car, our bozo, was given a citation for failure to yield right of way. End of story…almost. While the officer was in his patrol car writing up the citation, our bozo was scrambling around in his car trying to dispose of a couple of marijuana cigarettes. Of course he still had them in his hand when the officer walked back up to the car. Busted! You can add drug possession charges to his rap sheet.