Author: dave

Thanks to several bozo News Hawks who pointed out this one in a recent Dave Barry column. From Annapolis, Maryland comes the story of bozo Chad Wilson who was in violation of his parole and was being taken before the judge when he broke away and ran from the courtroom. Our bozo, with the deputies following close behind, ran to the nearby Maryland Inn where he hid in a closet. So far, so good. It’s when our bozo came out of the closet that his troubles really began. Inside that closet, for reasons unknown, was a full size bunny suit, complete with floppy pink ears. Yes, our bozo put it on. Yes, he was immediately spotted by the deputies and arrested.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Donna Jean Johnson for sending in today’s report. From Athens, Texas comes the story of bozo Shannon Harvey who was a wanted man-in fact there were two outstanding warrants on him, including one for aggravated robbery. But that didn’t stop him from walking into the drivers license office to renew his license. DPS officers discovered the warrants while his license was being processed. He’s been arrested.

We’ve always said that if it wasn’t for bad luck, bozos would have no luck at all and that’s certainly the case today. Thanks to bozo News Hawk Neal Tooni for sending in this one. From Pamelia, New York comes the story of bozo Jeyvan Lang who was more than a little stoned and was weaving from lane to lane. And maybe he was a little paranoid, too, because when he noticed a police car in his rearview mirror, he did what seemed to him to be the logical thing. He pulled into the driveway of the first residence he came to, pretending to be going home. His ploy might have worked except this particular driveway belonged to the home of the very officer who was following him. He’s been charged with DUI and possession of marijuana.

bozo criminal for today comes from the Internal Affairs Division. From Seattle, Washington comes the story of a group of cops who couldn’t tell the good guys from the bad. It all began when and 18 year old bozo stole a police car and a cop on bicycle patrol reported seeing the stolen vehicle. A patrol car arrived on the scene and was waiting at a stop light when a second patrol car arrived. The officer in the second car thought the driver of the first car was our bozo thief and proceeded to ram the vehicle with his car. The officer in the first car thought he was being attacked by the stolen car driver and opened fire. The officer in the second car returned fire and more that twenty shots were fired before the officers realized their mistake. Fortunately, no one was injured. In the meantime, our bozo thief thought better of things and drove the stolen patrol car to a police station and gave himself up.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Gregg Hanke for sending in today’s report. From Cape Canaveral, Florida comes the story of a group of illegal aliens who picked one of the worst possible spots to try to land their boat. Right in front of NASA’s Kennedy Space Center, one of the most closely guarded strips of shoreline in the United States. Apparently they were shooting for a beach near Miami and strayed a little too far north. And they didn’t help their cause any when the one member of the group who could speak English asked one of the armed NASA guards if he could borrow his cell phone to call for directions. They’re being held pending deportation back to their Chinese homeland.

bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Chita, Japan comes the story of a bozo who went to a great deal of trouble to collect theft insurance on his car. Using a backhoe he dug a large hole on some farm land owned by his father. He then pushed the car in and covered it up, claiming it was stolen and hoping to collect about seven thousand dollars to pay off debts. There were two basic flaws in his plan. Number one, he didn’t completely cover the car, a piece of it was sticking out of the ground. Number two, he didn’t let his father in on the scheme. When pops noticed the freshly dug spot of land with a part of a car sticking out of it he called the cops.

Thanks to many bozo News Hawks who alerted us to this story. From Kansas City, Missouri comes the story of bozo John Hanson who was celebrating the 4th of July with several of his friends by shooting off some fireworks. The group got a little loud and rowdy and the neighbors called the cops. Since it’s illegal to have fireworks in the city one of the bozo’s friends hid them before the police arrived. Finding nothing illegal, the police told the group to keep the noise down and left. End of story, right? Wrong! About 3 AM bozo John got hungry and went into the kitchen to warm up some lasagna. And that’s when he discovered where his friend had hidden the fireworks. In the oven. The kitchen was blown to bits but no one was seriously injured.

bozo criminal for today comes from Torrance, California where bozo Reggie Hampton pulled off a carjacking, jumping in and forcing the driver to slide over to the passenger’s side. Things started going downhill when our bozo discovered that the car was a standard transmission and he had never learned to drive stick. Instead of giving up and looking for another car our bozo strugged along, trying to get it going, even ordering the owner to help put the car into gear. By this time the barely moving car had attracted the attention of the cops. Realizing he was caught, our bozo tried to run but became entangled in the seat belt and was dragged a few feet by the slowly moving car before he was arrested.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for pointing out today’s story in a recent Ann Landers’ column. From Hutchison, Kansas comes the story of bozo Tom Hall who had a little too much to drink at a party. He met an old friend there who told him that her house was unlocked and it was OK for him to go over there and sleep it off. Telling her he knew exactly where she lived, our bozo left the party. Somewhere along the way he got a little confused but he did finally find what he thought was the right house. The backdoor was unlocked so he let himself in, stripped down to his underwear and climbed into the first bed he found. Sometime later the woman who was sleeping in that bed awoke to find a strange man passed out cold next to her. She jumped up and quickly ran next door to call the cops. They came over and awakened our bozo, telling him he was in the wrong house in the wrong bed with the wrong woman. He’s been charged with criminal trespass.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Boulder, Colorado where bozo Douglas Olsen had been admiring a Himilayan cat at the humane society but was a little short of cash. He decided the quickest way to come up with the money would be to print it up on a copy machine. Either he’s colorblind or he’s even dumber than your average bozo. He printed up fake dollar bills on crumpled yellow paper! (Yellowbacks, anyone?) When he tried to pass these beauties the folks at the humane society busted out laughing and stalled our bozo until the police arrived.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jeff Kimmey for sending in today’s report. From Oklahoma City, Oklahoma comes the story of bozo Kenneth Waymire who had just bonded out of jail. Not surprisingly, our bozo was in a big hurry to get home. Too much of a hurry as it turns out. He hadn’t gone very far before he was angered by a slow moving van on the highway. Our road-raging bozo veered in front of the van, making obscene gestures at the occupants and generally harassing them. When the van pulled into a parking lot, he wheeled up beside them and jumped out of the car. Unfortunately for our bozo the occupants got of their van also. All seven of them. Members of the Oklahoma City Police department’s tactical unit, in full riot gear. A check of our bozo’s car turned up some crack cocaine. He was given a speedy ride back to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joe Messina for sending in today’s report. From Boston, Massachusetts comes the story of bozo Hal Cowans who broke into a home and stole a couple of cameras and some jewelry. He then headed to the nearest pawn shop and hocked the items. The police were eventually able to track down the stolen goods and return them to the rightful owner. But the bozo’s identity remained a mystery until the owner decided to get the film in one of the cameras developed. On the roll were several pictures from his nephew’s Bar Mitzvah and a couple of photos of a man he didn’t recognize…but the police did. It seems our bozo let the pawn broker take a couple of shots of him to prove the camera worked and then forgot to remove the film. The next pictures he’ll have made will be mug shots.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Andy Kent for sending along today’s report. From Kirksville, Missouri comes the story of a bozo husband and wife team who went into a local drug store and grabbed several handsful of film before fleeing. And our bozos might be happily taking pictures today except for one problem. They remembered to make their getaway with the film, but they forgot something else. Their six year old son who was also in the store. He’s staying with grandpa and grandma now since he was more than happy to tell the cops where his parents lived.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Sal Darigo for sending in today’s report from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania where police were summoned to an arcade and amusement center. It seems 19 year old bozo Dave Jenkins had called the cops to complain that one of the arcade employees had stolen something from him. And just what would that something be, the cops asked. "My marijuana," was our bozo’s reply. The police did a little investigating and found the pot. When our bozo identified it as belonging to him, he was arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bryon Cheatham for sending in today’s report from Big Spring, Texas where bozo Kirk Moore reported his car as stolen to the police. A short time later the police spotted the vehicle in question and pulled the driver over. As fate would have it, our bozo was in the area and stopped to claim the car as his. The officer on the scene ran a check on the vehicle’s license plates and discovered the car had been stolen not once, but twice. And the first thief was…our bozo! That’s right, our bozo is a car thief who called the cops to report a stolen car as stolen. And to add to his problems, he was wanted on a parole violation. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jack Decker for sending in today’s report from Muskegon, Michigan. A couple of bozos hatched an almost perfect plan for stealing goods from the local Wal-Mart. Using their home computer, they printed up official looking Wal-Mart receipts for $2000 worth of computer equipment and a DVD player. They then headed to the store and loaded the items into a shopping cart, planning to show the phony receipts to the security guard as they headed out the door. Guess they were really excited about pulling off the heist as they got to the store a little early. The time printed on the bogus receipts was 3:03 PM. They tried to sneak past the guard at a little past 2:50. A bozo time warp, if you will. They’re keeping track of time in jail now.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Memphis, Tennessee where bozo Albert Kane stole a set of tools out of the back of a pickup truck. The tools belonged to a local home builder and one of the tools was fairly rare. The builder placed an ad in the paper seeking to purchase another of the rare tools to replace the one stolen and who should respond to the ad but our bozo. When the builder went by the bozo’s home to inspect the tools he had for sale, he recognized them as his own. He excused himself, saying he was leaving to get some cash. Instead he returned with the cops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Erfurt, Germany where an unidentified bozo tried to purchase some gas with counterfeit bills. The clerk recognized the money as being phony and wouldn’t take it. This so upset our bozo that he drove to the nearest police station to complain. Not the best idea. First, it’s against the law to try to pass counterfeit money. Secondly, the officers ran a quick check on our bozo and found that he didn’t have a drivers license. And, third, he was drunk, four times over the legal limit. He won’t be going anywhere for a while.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Worth, Texas where bozo Randy Harris picked a really bad place to hide. Our bozo allegedly held up a bank, getting away with a small amount of cash and escaping on foot. Thinking that the cops might be on his tail, he ducked into a tanning salon. Our bozo then rushed up to the attendant and, out of breath, asked the price of a tan. The curious attendant asked him if he was being chased and he answered, "No, I just need a tan." He was shown to a tanning bed. In the meantime the suspicious attendant called the cops who were waiting to arrest our tanned and rested bozo when he stepped out of the booth.

Don’t know what it’s been recently with bozos shedding their clothes but we have another one today. From the International File in Brazil comes the story of bozo William Farias. Our bozo, a minor league soccer player, scored a goal in an important game and to celebrate, ripped off his shirt, threw it into the crowd and ran around the stadium, a common practice in soccer. Don’t know if he wasn’t getting the reaction he’d hoped for from the crowd or what, but our bozo decided not to stop with his shirt. He also ripped off his shorts and threw them into the crowd (must have thought he was in the XFL!) He not only was suspended from the team he was also arrested for indecent exposure.