Author: dave

Time to add another member to our bozo Lonely Hearts Club. From Cedar Rapids, Iowa comes the story of 20 year old bozo Stephen Mitchell who broke into the apartment of a 21 year old woman. Our bozo was surprised to find anyone at home and was even more surprised at how lovely the woman was. So, instead of robbing the place, he did what any bozo would do. He asked her for a date. Just to get rid of him, she gave him her phone number and of course he called back later to set up the date. She arranged to meet him at a restaurant but the only person waiting there for our bozo was a police officer.

bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Budapest, Hungary. bozo Gizella Kosztor had made a name for herself in the 50’s and 60’s when she flew from Budapest to rural towns on inexpensive flights, burglarized houses and caught evening flights back home. Our 75 year old bozo is out of jail now and, needing some money to write her memoirs, went back to her old tricks. She broke into several homes in a small town, but the high cost of airfares these days prevented her from making her traditional getaway. Police arrested her while she was waiting to catch a train at the local station.

bozo criminal for today comes from Cleveland, Ohio where bozo Kim Hanson managed a pizza restaurant. To boost sales and to get herself written up in the company newsletter our bozo cooked up a little scheme. She set up fake accounts for local schools and hospitals, called in orders for those businesses and then "delivered" the pizzas to them herself. Of course, since they never ordered the pizzas, she never delivered them. She even forged documents and fixed the company’s computers to cover her tracks. Things were going well for her until she asked the pizza shop’s owner to come over and help her move to her new home. And that’s when he discovered something suspicious. 400 boxes of moldy pizza in her garage. She’s under arrest.

bozo criminals for today come from Hot Springs, Arkansas where bozos John Hardy and Kevin Traylor tried to steal a boat. It was a nice one, too, 44 feet long and worth about $110,000. Unfortunately, it sounds like neither one of them qualified for a captain’s license. They managed to catch the engine on fire before getting the boat stuck in shallow water. Then, in their beer-induced frenzy, instead of trying to get away, they set off flares in hopes of being rescued, even though they were only 30 feet from shore. They were rescued, all right, by the cops.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Brian Montgomery for sending in today’s report. From Portland, Oregon comes the story of bozo Mike Monroe who held up a local bank, getting away with $800. After observing our bozo make his getaway on a city bus, bank employees called the cops. Portland police stopped the bus and, working on the description from the bank teller, quickly grabbed our bozo. The cop found all the money and asked our bozo to explain why he is in possession of so much cash. The response from our bozo, "I’m a drug dealer. And a good one." The officer then replies, "Well, if it’s drug money, I’ll have to seize it." To which our bozo says, "Whoa, wait a minute. $200 of that is my money. It doesn’t all belong to the bank." Busted!

bozo criminal for today provides us with our bozo Excuse of the Month, and maybe for the whole year. Thanks to bozo News Hawk Paul Randall for sending this one in from Wellington, New Zealand. It seems bozo Peter Sanders was arrested for dangerous driving after he switched off his headlights and swerved to the wrong side of the road. When the officer asked him why he did that, he told him that he was an amateur astronomer, searching the sky for a black hole. And he could see better with his headlights off. His attorney said our bozo hadn’t been taking his medication. His license has been suspended.

Thanks to several bozo News Hawks for passing this one along. From Novi, Michigan comes the story of bozo Tom Hamilton who was the assistant manager at a gas station. Needing some cash to feed a gambling habit our bozo stole $6000 in receipts that he was supposed to deposit. It was his effort to cover up the crime that landed him in the bozo Hall of Fame. Our bozo parked his car in a parking lot, hopped in the trunk and closed the lid. He then started to yell for help, attracting the attention of a passerby who called the cops. When the police arrived and released our bozo he told them he had been robbed and locked in the trunk…five days ago. Fine. Except that the woman who heard his cries and called the cops told them she saw him pull the car into the parking lot less than five minutes before. He’s been arrested.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Dr. Charles Florio for sending in today’s report. From Columbus, Ohio comes the story of a couple of bozos who stole the costume of "Brutus the Buckeye", the mascot for Ohio State University, along with the car the costume was stored in. Police officers spotted the car a little later parked behind a building near the campus and decided to stake it out. Within a very few minutes they had their bozos. They were rather easy to spot, a couple of guys walking up to the stolen car, one of them wearing a scarlet and gray shirt with "Brutus" in big block letters across the front. That’s the mascot’s shirt, guess the bozo just couldn’t wait to try it on and show it off. They’re the official mascots of the jail now.

Thanks to many bozo News Hawks for alerting us to this one. From Queens, New York comes the story of bozo Jack Slater who held up a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank, getting away with over $7000. Our bozo must have thought the baseball cap he had on during the heist was a sufficient disguise because he returned to the same bank later that same week and attempted to open a savings and a checking account with some of the cash. A teller recognized him and called the cops who stopped by and arrested our bozo.

bozo criminals for today come from Belton, Missouri where bozos Colin Weems and Raymond Brown had a thriving business selling marijuana. It was doing so well the bozos formed a little company, "Dunn Deal Enterprises," and had business cards made up with their name, phone number and a picture of a fist gripping a wad of cash alongside a drawing of a marijuana leaf. The business went bankrupt when they handed one of their business cards to an undercover police officer. Maybe they should have called their little business "Dumb Deal Enterprises."

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Paul Randall for sending in today’s report. From St. Croix Falls, Wisconsin comes the story of bozo James Chavez who shoplifted a toy car, some medication, a few batteries, a pellet pistol and a flip phone from the local Wal Mart. He was quickly caught and charged with a misdemeanor. He must have really wanted this stuff badly because two days later he allegedly broke into the police station property room and stole those very items again, leaving behind more expensive stuff like a computer and an assault rifle. He’s now been charged with breaking into a police station, a felony.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Leuven, Belgium comes the story of an unidentified bozo who stole a sewing machine from a repair shop. A couple of days later our bozo returned to the shop, sewing machine in his arms, to ask for a manual and a needle for it. The staff recognized the machine and kept the bozo talking until the police arrived.

bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Walsall, England. Four bozos robbed a Chinese food delivery driver, striking him over the head with a package of prawn crackers and getting away with a large order of Chinese take out. Police were called and upon arrival they found the trail was still warm. Hot in fact. It seems one of the bags of food had sprung a leak, leaving a trail of curry sauce that led directly to our bozo’s flat nearby. They were arrested before they had a chance to enjoy their fortune cookies.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Seth Linthicum for sending in today’s report. From Des Moines, Iowa comes the story of bozo Stephen Harrigan who held up a convenience store, getting away with a small amount of cash. Unfortunately in the confusion our bozo left his wallet behind at the scene of the crime, an oversight he discovered a few minutes later. And since he was still in the neighborhood, he decided to try to retrieve it. As he walked back into the store, he overheard the clerk on the phone to the police, describing him as five foot ten and 38 years old. "I’m six two," our bozo shouted, "And I’m 34 years old." The bozo was still trying to get the facts straight when the cops showed up and arrested him.

bozo criminal for today reveals that word of tighter security around airports hasn’t filtered down to the bozo ranks just yet. From the Tampa, Florida airport comes the story of bozo illegal Peruvian immigrant Maria Ramos who approached the Continental Airlines counter, dragging eight bulging duffel bags behind her. When she asked to buy a ticket to Newark the agent asked her the standard "Did you pack your own bags" question. To which our bozo answered, "Why do you need to know that?" Security was called and it was discovered that the bags were full of more than $25,000 worth of shoplifted clothing. She’s been arrested.

bozo criminal for today comes from the Domestic Affairs Division. From the International File in Cardiff, Wales comes the story of bozo Anthony Macnee. bozo Anthony became enraged when he discovered a text message on his wife’s cell phone that said, "I love you." He was so angry that he forgot that he himself sent the message when he was on a trip out of town. A heated argument ensued that culminated with the wife conking him on the head with the cell phone and the cops being called to settle things down.

bozo criminal for today comes from Indianapolis, Indiana where bozo Clarence Thompson learned the hard way that you shouldn’t always take police officers at their word. Our bozo was a known character around town and one time while talking to officers patrolling the area he told them to give him a call if they ever had any extra drugs to sell. Deciding to take him up on his offer, the cops made that call a couple of days later. Our bozo set up a meeting and when the cops pulled up he hopped in the back of the black and white cruiser, and offered to buy 56 grams of cocaine. The officers made the arrest without ever leaving their car.

Thanks to several bozo News Hawks for sending in this one from the International File in Fukuoka, Japan. It’s the story of a gang of bozos who raided a Japanese bank, getting away with 47 million yen. You would think with this much money crammed into a suitcase our bozos would hang on to it, but of course they didn’t. They jumped on a train and one of them stashed the bag in an overhead compartment several rows away from where they were sitting. This attracted the attention of a suspicious conductor who asked them about the bag. When they started acting nervous, the conductor confiscated the bag and went off to call the cops. When he returned, our bozos had jumped off the train, leaving their money behind.

bozo criminal for today violated bozo Rule Number 1090: It’s usually a good idea to put on your disguise before entering the place you intend to rob. From Elkhorn, Wisconsin comes the story of bozo Gail Fontayne who walked into a convenience store carrying a rifle and a ski mask. She headed for the back of the store where she tried to put the mask on. Needless to say her bumbling attracted some attention, causing her to make a quick change of plans. She claimed that she was carrying a gun because she had just come from skeet shooting and, as for the mask, she was just trying it on. Didn’t work. She’s been charged with attempted robbery.

Thanks to several bozo News Hawks who reported this classic from the International File in Bucharest, Romania. This story reminds us of the old Alka Seltzer commercial about the guy who "couldn’t believe he ate the whole thing." Our hungry bozo broke into a bakery and found some cakes that were to his liking. So much to his liking that he ate 42 of them. Maybe he should have stopped at 41 because he suffered such severe indigestion that he couldn’t even move. Security guards heard moaning coming from the kitchen and called the cops who arrested our bozo.